Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

I would ask him to pause on telling the DC so that you can have a ‘whole story’ and plan ready to share.
I’d also ask him to wait a month for you to work out your own feelings, as he’s broken big news to you without warning.

However the way he’s behaving, saying that it’s you who’s changed not him, suggests he’s going to be very unreasonable. Get legal advice on divorce at the first opportunity, and gather whatever financial information you can.
After a pause, if he’s still determined and you have all the information you need, I’d make it clear that he is choosing to end the marriage and that you won’t be his house keeper anymore- he’ll be needing to pull his weight around the house.

He’s riding rough shod over your preferences, so don’t feel obliged to wear kid gloves.

Agree that deodorant can be used by either sex.

But, in this case, I also fully believe this was a passive aggressive move by the husband. Leaving these little items out to demonstrate a point is part of the drip-drip effect of pushing boundaries.

Again, this is no longer a partnership.

He's being a selfish twat.

2 Teenage boys are not likely to take this well.

You married Trevor not Tracy. If he wants to be Tracy he can leave.

I notice he's staying as Trevor for work where it might inconvenience him.

What a dick!

Philip/“Pips” Bunce

https://www.whatisawoman.uk/PippaBunce/

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this OP.

Personally I couldn't deal with my DH doing this. Through thick and thin doesn't cover transsexuality in my book.

He's not considering your feelings one little bit. Heaven knows how your kids are going to cope with it. I'd seriously start looking at suitable therapists.

How old are your DC? If teenagers, are they 13 or 17? I think there will be a different conversation if they are young teenagers.
It would be a deal breaker for me.

"He won't leave the house"

"I have nowhere to go"

He's the one turning your life upside down. This isn't marriage on the terms you agreed to, and you have every right not to endure it. Don't just roll over. He's obviously a difficult fucker and knows how to pull your strings, but he doesn't get to have it all his way. You have rights. Seek legal advice.

You're stronger than you know.

I’d get chuck the bag with his dresses in out the front door and say “you can do what you like but not on my time”. That’s just me.

I'd get as much information about your finances if I were you. Not meaning to alarm you, but there are many stories of male partners draining the family savings in pursuit of a trans lifestyle.

Wishing you the best.

You do what you want to do for you abd your children. Dont agree to.anythinh which you dont want to agree to. Personally I'd say no, I can't remain married to you on that basis.

Has he told his mother?

Your husband has no idea how hard his life will be. Unless he wants to be an activist and get attention. Stupid man. Do you think he's gay? Lots of transpeople are.
Let your DC make their own mind up but you don't need to call him 'Edith'.
I'd ask for a divorce and yes you are untilled to half of his pensions.
Cheer yourself up on Rightmove. Pick a pretty house. He's not who you married so that would be it for me.

Here's a link to Trans Widows Voices - women who have been through the same thing.

Wishing you strength. Your husband is a manipulator and you deserve better.

Personally OP I’d make your plans to leave now, and start that process.

If this is not what you want, or who you want, you can make that decision. It’s not as easy as some posters suggest as “he can leave” so I’d make your own exit plans and get those wheels in motion asap. If he’s at the point of wanting this to be open and to the extent of including your children in this, for me, that means it is something that is for the long haul and likely to progress beyond just clothing indoors.

I completely agree.

It’s a power move.

The trans people I work with have to have ‘female’ products like deodorant and shower gel etc, because it affects their MH when using the standard, generic products (even though none of them have images on or say they’re for men).

It’s all about attention and power.

You married a man who claimed to love you, a biological woman. You haven't changed. Maybe he has changed. Maybe he hasn't changed but did lie about who he was. It's irrelevant. This isn't what you signed up for.

You do need to be supportive. You need to support your children. They are your priority. You don't need to sit and nod along, pretending that your husband is revealing that you'll be living the dream from this point forward.

"Eject....Eject.....Eject"

So sorry OP. This is not something that will go away and will only manifest itself in ever increasing demands as your feelings and wishes become secondary to his desire to be authentic. You will be gaslit into oblivion as he views you and others aound him as nothing more then vehicles of affirmation. You do not have to play this game and life is too short to be a bit player in his main character syndrome.

This man is an autogynophile. He is a fetishist. Upping the ante to involve you is because it’s no longer enough of a thrill to do it privately. He has to openly pretend to be a woman. No male pulls a stunt like this on middle age and is not a fetishist. Sorry I just don’t believe they exist.
This cannot work long term and if I were you I’d refuse to play his games. Tell him you’ll be seeking legal advice and take it from there.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. Please look for the Trans Widows thread. I am a trans widow (though now with a decent DH) and I really feel for you.

Trans hate? Trans for men like your husband is a paraphilia. And he wants you and your children to participate in it!

He’s gaslighting you: it’s not you who’s changing things from your usual relationship, it’s him

I think you need to be strong, say “Sorry, this isn’t for me” and tell him that you’ll be getting a divorce

See a lawyer asap to find out your rights and get copies of the finances

Id be there when he tells the dc, but I’d be absolutely clear with him that you won’t be supporting him and staying married

Fine, if he wants to be his “authentic self”, but that should also apply to you

He essentially wants to be a middle-aged woman?

Give him a list of the household chores you currently take care of, anything life admin, whatever you do for your sons, school etc…

Offer to bring him to M&S to shop for some comfy full briefs. When the neighbours notice, don’t explain. Just say “Oh, Betty?”

He’s not considering you or your children…

I’d also wonder occasionally in conversation with him about transvestites. Where did they go? Does he think he’s one? What’s the difference?

Stop pandering to this bollocks and file for divorce. There's no coming back from this. I would not support him telling the boys either, they will be the ones needing your support.

Poor you and your poor children. It is not going to be an easy road for them and you will find he centres himself throughout it all. What an utterly selfish narcissist to put his children through such heartbreak so he can live out his sexual fetish. I would move area to protect my children from the embarrassment if they are teens. If they are very young it will be bad but not as bad for them.