Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

And of a lower than intellectual average 13 year old arguing about a computer game they’ve just lost or some such nonsense

So many people on this thread not giving a shiny shite about the actual women affected. No wonder the OP hasn’t come back. She’s not going to have been given a very good impression of the help available from “feminists”. But then of course, many people have an interest in scaring trans widows away from mumsnet.

Thankfully it’s a teeny tiny minority
who go about on mumsnet screeching to the void
and get…. No where

Hi @Swampdweller. I hope you’re ok.

OP if you’re still reading, he is first and foremost a father and needs to put his teens first. The fact that he isn’t doing this says everything!!
Listen to Dr Az Hakeem if you want to learn more about the psychology of middle aged men declaring a trans identity. In fact, I’d recommend everyone listens to him as he is an expert on this subject.
Too many kind hearted women are feeding the devastation that comes with men declaring they are trans. If you listen to the gender experts you might find that it is not kind to feed into the delusion. We all want people to live as their authentic selves but since when did that involve plastic surgery and hormones. Surely that is the antithesis of being your authentic self.
What I have noticed over the last couple of years is that so called gender critical experts such as Stella O’Malley & Az Hakeem will talk to anyone on this subject but gender affirming experts such as those at private gender clinics will only speak to those who hold the same view as them - and who become their lifelong patients.
i Hope you are ok OP. It is shocking what is being asked of you and your boys.

Many posters have given her very good advice. On divorce, gaslighting, facts on AGP….

Others don’t understand what’s happening to the OP. There are others only concerned about the man and his feelings and how the OP should “be kind.”

What is your advice to her? We are allowed to debate the issue without going into the specifics.

Someone hasn’t bothered to read the thread

@TinselAngel

Yes I have.

And yet you appear to have failed to grasp the dozens and dozens and dozens of post not debating a damn thing but instead giving advice