Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

I’m not in your position but I’ve observed the trans debate for a long time and I’ve followed similar threads to yours.

If it was me I’d like to think I’d do the following.

I’d tell him that if this is what he really wants then he should do it and you won’t stand in his way. HOWEVER, this is not what you signed up for. You signed up and invested your life in a hetero sexual relationship with a man. Therefore the contract of marriage needs to be terminated. It’s breech of contract.

Step aside and let him get on with it. You can’t battle with him. I’d do it passively and graciously. Wish him luck and you hope he finds happiness.

The alternative is that he destroys you in the process of this ultra narcissist act. If you stay together he will suck the life blood out of you like a leech to feed his selfishness. Next up will be him copying you in what you wear, you’ll be his muse.

I’ve seen it on here many times.

You can’t save your marriage. Save yourself and protect your DC.

I would wish him well and divorce him.

Half of those pensions are legally yours. Make sure you take em.

Sorry you are going through this op. I've tried to imagine my dp dropping this on me. I love him dearly but this would break the deal between us x

You can accept this is who he is of course, but you absolutely do not have to accept this as a husband. This isn't what you married, he is no longer the person you made your vows to and if he wants to move the goal posts this much then he needs to leave.

He wants to be a different person. Fine.

But he can’t expect you to want to stay married to a different person than the one you married. It’s like having a major religious conversion, with huge impacts on day to day life, and expecting the other person to be fine with that.

He can’t expect his kids to be fine about it either - and I can guarantee that while they may be kind and cool with it outwardly they absolutely will not want to introduce their mates to their transwoman dad.

Oh yuck. I’d make plans to leave him and move on with my life. I’m sorry this has happened to you

Yeah just refuse. Say if he wants to 'live as a woman' then you'll be splitting as you're not into women. And if you were they'd need to be the authentic variety.

Though I think all deodorant is unisex, no matter what it says on the packaging. Yeah, I know that's hardly the point.

You don't need to accept this from him.

Selfish bastard!

You don't have to do anything that you don't agree to 😘

My 2p

I'd let him do what he likes regarding chats with the kids.
Afterwards i'd sit down with my children and explain to my teenagers which AGP is and you love them and will support them through this and ypu are sorry their father has decided to do this. You'll support them however you can.

Separately sit your dh down and explain (very obviously) the marriage is over and he is welcome to live his best life as Brenda but (again obviously) he needs to leave the marital home amd do that elsewhere..

Get yourself in therapy.

You have a spare room... if he wont move into it - you move in and take all the shit that's in there currently and put it in the old master bedroom. Then its his problem.

Stop being a doormat....You matter!!!

Tell him he can do what he likes but you won’t be involved. He can tell the children but again how they react is up to them. If they are teenagers they can decide how their relationship develops, he should be prepared that they don’t want to see him.
Id start getting some advice and mentally prepare to move on.
Does he work somewhere where this won’t be an issue. I worked with someone whose husband had to give up work as a secondary school teacher because the children would not play along. He seems a miserable person now.

You don't have to be gaslit into a life you don't want. You don't want to be married to a woman. He has to give you the freedom to choose what YOU want and he's trying to control the narrative so, as you say, he can have his cake and eat it - try out being a woman (well a transwoman) without any risk. He keeps his marriage and security and can swap back if he wants.

That's deeply unfair on you. You don't exist as a support mechanism for his life. Don't let him manipulate you into becoming one. You are the main character in your own life!

It ought to be very validating to him assuming you're straight that you don't want to be married to a woman. You could only stay married to him if you believed he was a man, which according to the rules of the game I am given to understand would mean you hated him and wanted him to not exist.

Or are the secret rules just man wants man gets?

I don’t support trans hate either and it doesn’t bother me how people choose to live their lives.

But you are a heterosexual woman and chose to marry a man.
I am not attracted to women and therefore I wouldn’t choose to be with one.

You cannot kick him out but I would start divorce proceedings and I’d move into the spare bedroom and stop any intimacy immediately.

Who would the kids rather live with?
This will help you decide on the next best steps.

@Swampdweller link to the most recent of 6 Trans Widows threads. It’s worth reading through them even if you don’t want to post.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4879982-trans-widows-escape-committee-6-the-next-generation?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

I think I would be wary of how confusing this is for the children particularly if you go along with it. I would be careful about what you are teaching them to accept in their own relationships. You do not have to accept this. Clearly you are not married to the person you thought you were. I will pull be choosing separation in your position which dh may realise is a bigger issue for your children.

I’m so sorry OP. It’s ironic isn’t it, such a Male trait to expect everyone else to flip their own lives upside down to accommodate his fetish whim. Same as the blokes aggressively screaming ‘it’s M’am’ at shop workers and those inciting violence against anyone that questions their motives. Rarely things you hear of actual Women doing.

You do not have to support his delusion that things can continue as normal. You do not have to stay with him.

I’d personally tell him no then start the divorce. Half the house would get you a flat somewhere. You cannot continue as normal while he dresses and pretends to be a woman. You did not agree to this before marriage, do not let him push you into something you don’t want to do. Your poor children will be kind but embarrassed and not want to see him anymore dressed like a woman. Divorce, move and make a clean break.

Don’t wait it out. If the kids are 18 you won’t get to stay in the house.

Sounds like that ceo who half the week works as a ma and the other half as a woman.
your DH can’t just cosplay at being a women when he wants to

You have to tell him that that's what he wants, but it's not what you want. Just choosing to dress as a woman once in a while is one thing dressing as a woman all of the time, apart from at work, doesn't work for you. You married a man not a woman and you don't want to live with a man dressed as a woman (probably looking hideous). He can get his own place where he can 'be himself'. And you and the children can stay in the house and be yourselves. A bridge too far really.

I think it’s an attention thing.

I work with some people where a percentage of them are trans.

They do it purely because they get positive things from it and special treatment, then accuse staff of transphobia if they are told to do something they don’t want to do.
But then they quickly choose to turn back into men when it suits them.

It drives me mad.

Before you do anything get your financial ducks in a row, make sure you have access to everything and any paperwork. These men turn nasty when you say no to them.

And can I just say he’s a moron for using women’s deodorant. It’s pants and as an actual women I always use men’s.

I'm sorry OP, I can't imagine how difficult this must be, especially as you will be trying to support your sons through this.

I think that's the way I'd have to try and approach it with him. Saying that you still love him and the life your family had and that both of you need to prioritize supporting your children through this change.

If practocally neither of you can move into a spare room, can your boys share (or one of them move into spare room/alternate it) to create some space and a distinct shift in the relationship while you figure out what comes next.

He's thought and spoken and received support (from GP and you) about what he wants and you need time and space to be able to get that too.

If there's no married relationship left (there wouldn't be if I was in your place) then there would be a separation and divorce and separate houses. And you'll need to be able to guide your children through that as well as coming to terms with the end of your marriage yourself.

He has the right to live his life as he wants to and present as a woman. But you have the right not to be married to a trans woman if you don't want to be. And you don't have to live as a support human to another adult.