Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

I'm so sorry OP a horrible situation to be in.
You say you don't think he will screw you financially, that's because you still love the man he was and you trust him, but he's not that man anymore. I can promise you the minute things don't go even the slightest bit his way, he will turn on you pretty rapidly and will even try to blame you for everything that goes wrong for him. He's already started going down the coercive control and compliance road with you. Stand your ground it's not all about him.
Remember this is his thing, not yours. You don't have to validate his feelings or support his behaviour to make his life easier, he doesn't care about how you feel or what you want your life to be just as long as he gets what he wants. You certainly don't have to live with him any more.down
Put off telling your children as long as you can while you sort out your financial freedom. He will want to keep all his money for himself I guarantee it , although he will say otherwise to begin with, these men are as manipulative as can be & you can't trust a word they say.

You don't have to hate trans people to not want to be married to one.

This ^^ I don't want to be married to a trans woman either and it's perfectly fine to feel that way. You certainly don't need to sleep with a trans woman if you don't want to.

I wouldn't make any decisions in a hurry, think about what you want long-term and talk it over with a trusted friend or perhaps a counsellor if it would be easier to discuss with a neutral third party. Your wants and needs matter too- of course you want to protect your children, but they'll be adults in a few years, and you need to live a happy life too.

Once you've worked out what you want, you can make a plan to achieve it. You might need to look for a full-time job, for example.

If you can't live with him you have to make it clear the house is being sold.

It's okay to not want to be married to someone who presents as a woman. Tell him you are not sexually attracted to women and never have been and that's never going to change.

You don’t have to be supportive nor do you need to pretend to your children that you are.

Your husband has a particularly vile fetish and needs to leave.

I agree .
You owe him nothing, you married a man and became his wife and he became your husband.
He doesn't get to decide the terms of the marriage now he has changed them.
This would be the end for me ,i know there is no way i could continue with this relationship .
I honestly cannot get my head around these men who think they can 'become' whoever they like and bugger the consequences .

He's not planning on being civilised, he wants total acceptance and nothing else will do.

You don't have to go anywhere.

You get one life, OP. You and your husband are no longer compatible. Seriously, save yourself. You work part-time, well I can tell you, working full-time and being free to form new attachments will be far less awful than continuing to live in a sham marriage.

You could definitely have divorced him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour if no-fault divorce didn't exist! No one would expect you to labour in a marriage where your husband wants to be a woman.

For me, I would find staying in this situation to be extremely depressing. Give him his freedom to be who he wants, and for you to find a life that allows you to live authentically, not in this weirdness.

Really sorry this has happened to you.

‘carrying on as normal’??

‘John, Iet’s be clear here - I married a man. I want to be married to a man, hence choosing to marry a man. I don’t want to be married to someone pretending to be a woman which is what you are asking. Nothing about this whole situation is 'normal' and therefore our marriage cannot continue ’normally’. This is your doing, and if you wish to pursue this then you must accept the consequences of that decision which is divorce, you utter utter womble.'

Why did you enable his kink? This was obviously going to happen eventually.

Don't blame the op.

He is not a trans woman he is a cross dresser.

If he wants to live his authentic self I would tell him absolutely and show him the way out of the hall door.

@Swampdweller Nope, just no. This isn't the marriage or life you signed up for at all. It's not even close. To say he's changed the goal posts is the understatement of the century. He's basically been grooming you for years. If you stay your life will be one long miserable act of submission. And then one day, when you're too old and worn down to deal with it, you'll realise how many years you've wasted on this self absorbed, entitled man. It will also be a lousy environment for your children. Speak to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. You will be entitled to half the house or maybe more and a share of his pensions. Stop being "kind", he isn't your friend.

I’d tell him straight that you married a man, not a man who thinks he’s a woman.

As such, he has deceived you and the marriage can’t continue.

I’d see a divorce lawyer ASAP and get all the pension/money details sorted.

He has been massively unreasonable and you did nothing wrong. If he throws phrases like “trans hate” at you, let him know it’s gaslighting by and abuse and that will be in the divorce petition too.

Find your anger. You and your children do not deserve his selfishness.

Regardless of the trans part, no one can demand another human to 'accept' them.

He should not be involving your kids at this stage and can't expect you to be 'supportive'.

If he is really on his way to transitioning then he needs to understand this is the end of your marriage and things cannot stay as they are.

See a solicitor and make it clear to him you are done.

Then when everything is set in motion can tell your kids what is happening and why you are leaving.

Him just expecting you and your kids to just carry on as normal is ludicrous.

Swampdweller, just checking in to give you my support. I’ve been in your situation and tried very hard to make it work, but ultimately we parted. You have a lot to think about. I’m somewhat dismayed by the strong opinions and knee-jerk responses being voiced by people who don’t appear to be fully informed. I’m happy to chat if you would like.

It's not the same thing. That's just a lie from him to try to make you accept it. You didn't marry a 'transwoman', you married a man, even if he was a man who had some fetish about women's clothing. He knew you weren't welcoming of that part of his sexuality and wanted it kept separate from your life together. Now he wants to change all the rules you've lived by for 20 years. Of course you're not happy about it. Involving the kids in it is another step too far. It will change everything, not just between the two of you but for your whole family.

Whatever you decide to do, don't let him try to minimise this. It's a big deal, it does affect you in huge ways, and you have every right to be angry, hurt, or however else you feel.

Are you a lesbian? Do you fancy or want to have with a woman? That's the only question I would be asking myself.

You are not duty bound to take part. Unless you want to if the first questions are both yes

How can he expect to carry on as normal? It's not normal to live with a transwoman instead of a man if you've always been married to a man.
As for expecting your support while telling his sons, absolutely not, your support will be all for them.

For your sake, I hope it goes more smoothly for you that it might go, but you need to be prepared that plenty from the trans community would label you as nasty, mean, or even hateful for not remaining in a relationship with him in the way he wishes.

It's the job of the woman to bend herself in whatever direction the man wants, and if you don't, you're an awful bigot. I say be prepared because if he's spending time online with activists or others like him, he may go in this direction and start guilt tripping you.

He has the right to live as he wants, but you do as well, and it doesn't have to involve accepting whatever he wants to do. Remember that in the next few months.

@Swampdweller whatever you decide, he cannot rush you into a decision. That’s not fair. You need time to come to terms with this, whatever it looks like.

There's a certain type that can't let anyone else have support and attention.

Even when it's their own kids during exams that determine their future.

He can choose to live however he wants, but so can you. You deserve to have a degree of control of both your life and the narrative, and he appears to think they you’re prepared to float along as a supporting player in his story.

If you want to leave, or kick him out then you go ahead, and conveniently his own logic supports this; because assuming he is a woman (he’s not) and assuming that you are straight, then your marriage has to be over.

His magical transformation renders his outside of what you are attracted to, and you entered into a heterosexual marriage, which is now over.