Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

[ImmyNotNewHere]

Yesterday I found emails on my partners phone from just before we met, where he is hooking up with ‘trans women’.

I know this isn’t strictly feminism, however I don’t want to post in relationships and be met with a chorus of how I need to be more ‘inclusive’ and less ‘bigoted’.

I have been with my partner for 7.5 years, and during that time he has been amazing, kind, caring, devoted. I can’t really complain at all.

however yesterday I was on his emails looking for receipts for accounting, and I searched a term and
at the bottom of the results was an email from a few months before we met, where he was replying to a transsexual on Craigslist.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I then searched for further Craigslist emails, and found roughly 6 more where he is replying to ‘’mature transvestite slut seems man‘ & ‘tall sexy thick black transsexual slag’ just to name a few.

He has responded in one of them that he is a ‘straight acting guy’ and in others that he is ‘bi’.

Anyway world has crumbled really. I’ve searched some of the people he was messaging and it is VILE.

I am quite sure he hasn’t been with anyone since we were together, but I still feel betrayed. He lied to me about who he is/was.

I also feel total repulsion.

we have two children and he is father to my stepson (Yes huge red flag which I am taking seriously)

I guess just need some advice.

I’m so sorry. There is a percentage of men who fetishise transwomen. Your partner is one of them. Men don’t usually learn to give up their fetishes. I think you should get ready to leave him, I doubt he’ll change.

Really upsetting to learn that your partner is not the man you thought. Though I’m not sure that it’s any different to discovering that he’s gay really.

I’m sorry I can’t tell you what to do it has to be your decision - but I can’t imagine anyone on MN would tell you to “be more inclusive” just because he’s been with trans women than they would if he’d been with any other men. It’s the infidelity that’s the problem. And (potentially) your son - but again I’m not clear how the fact that his partners have been trans women makes that more of a red flag. It’s the deception that means that you can no longer take him on face value.

The fact that they are trans is a tiny part of what is going here. Would you be ok with him hooking up with these people if trans wasn't in the description?. Unlikely.

On rereading your OP, you’re certain he hasn’t been with anyone but you said he’s “hooking up” with them? How can you be sure, unless it’s simply that he just hasn’t yet had the opportunity?

If that’s the case, it’s just a matter of time until he gets daring enough to take the step. And you finding out might well be that last thing that was stopping him from taking it further. So I think you need to prepare yourself to end things, because as the other poster said, this won’t stop, it will only get worse. Either you decide to live with it (I couldn’t but clearly some women do) or you leave him.

No, the problem is that they are men. The tran part is really just a detail

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I'm sorry. This must be awful for you

If you have a look through this forum there's the Trans Widows threads - they would probably be a good source of support.

I asked him outright, and yes he has had sexual intercourse

So you've spoken about it and told him what you've seen? Is this a fetish and has he put it to bed? I don't know if I could stay with my husband knowing he's potentially gay or atleast bi, if I am being totally honest.

This is very risky for your health. Have tests. Don’t have sex with him again.

I spoke to him and he initially just denied and lied. Multiple times. This is almost the worst part is the slithering, I know feel like I do not trust him whatsoever, I have absolutely no way of knowing what has really happened and who he really is.

eventually he admitted that yes he has had sex with men.

It’s so grim. It’s not my cup of tea at all. I just wish he had said it from the start, and I could have made a decision.

This would be the end of things for me. His being unfaithful would be enough.

I'd also assume that he's closeted and using his partner as a beard.

So before you met then?

In that case you’re in much the same situation as finding out that he’s had previous homosexual experiences before you met, and that he’s still contacting men now.

Like I said earlier, that isn’t going to stop (because he’s still attracted by them or he wouldn’t have been in contact with men more recently) so it’s a matter of whether you want to live like that or not.

In my (vicarious) experience of infidelity, and particularly the more “taboo” versions like gay or trans, the partner finding out is a key moment in enabling the other person to indulge his fantasy more openly. I don’t know whether getting found out in a sexuality that you can’t provide for him ever leads to the person stopping. It’s out in the open now (at least between the two of you) and it can’t be put back in the box.

not sure if my original post was clear, but this happened just before we go together. I don’t believe it has happened since

But I don’t think this is the right place to discuss it. Nobody will tell you to be more inclusive just because he’s into trans women. IMO you should ask for it to be moved onto the relationship section.

I'm really sorry OP, what a horrible blow for you, not surprised you feel it's crumbled your world. My view is that people rarely give up fetishes like this. Plus you say some of it is vile. Being with someone like that (even if they say they've changed) would kind of eat away me knowing what he'd done. I'd have to make a clean break and leave. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Maybe so. This board has been the only board on number I ever frequent, and it used to be very regularly. That gives you a hint on how I feel about such things. And how this is especially a shock

I agree with others that whether these men claim to identify as trans or not is a minor detail. I think Relationships is the going to be the most appropriate support.

Of course it's different. Your partner hooking up with women before he met you is very different to hooking up with men and claiming to have a different security online

Make an appointment with your nearest sexual health clinic, then start planning to leave him. He’s gay and he’s trying to ‘legitimise’ his homosexuality by sleeping with men that present as women. That’s his problem to work through, not yours, because he will try to make it about you. This marriage is over, there’s no coming back from this. You need to put you and your children first. What a sleaze bag. You deserve better.

People on MN said a woman should accept her partner being in contact with trans women in the name of inclusivity?? I find that very hard to credit. Why would it be different to saying a woman who learns her husband is bi should accept him being in internet contact of the type you described with other men?

Thats a very different thing even from saying they should accept trans women in toilets d changing rooms - which I know there used to be a lot of. But infidelity in a couple is a different matter. You can’t possibly tell someone else they should accept that.

It’s different to him having a past history with other women. That’s not what’s happening here though. As PP have said this is basically a gay man who is hooking up with female-presenting men as way of denying his true sexuality even to himself.

I think people are missing that this all happened before OP and her partner got together. I wouldn’t be comfortable with it either, but lots of the responses seem to assume that it’s current behaviour/infidelity, which it isn’t.

The OP can discuss it here if she wants. Perhaps the thread police could have a bit more sympathy towards a woman who has just had the rug pulled out from underneath her.

Tricky. So there's the issue he's bi, has had gay sex, and presumably not told you. This has implications around STIs and honesty in a relationship.

And there's the issue he was specifically searching up transwomen for sex. Personally, as a straight woman, if I was single, I wouldn't exclude the possibility of sex with a transwoman if I found them attractive in person, and if they hadn't had surgery/hormones. But I'd never specifically seek out a transwoman for sex because I find the ideology as a whole deeply regressive. (Could probably say the same for men with some other political/ religious beliefs too). Your partner needs to be honest about precisely why he was doing this.

Is it to do with internalised homophobia towards the part of him attracted to males? Maybe more understandable but also more chance he's really gay, not bi. Or is it a fetish for transwomen themselves? Less understandable because he's fetishising an ideology which itself fetishises and opresses women.

Totally agree! I like the analytical responses here and have often been tempted to post less relevant threads.