I blame JKRowling

[RedToothBrush]

For shrinking the size of Monster Munch and shrinkflation generally.

Also the existence of belly button fluff

What do you blame her for?

She popularised teenagers wearing trainers. Have you noticed how often "trainers" are mentioned in the HP books?

"I think your trainers are too small, Won-Won". Yes, that line really is in one of the books.

"Kleckern" not specifically spilling something on your best top but spilling something in general. Someone who does that often is a Tollpatsch or a Trampeltier.

She killed my Peace Lily. It was okay yesterday. Then I had a scroll through JKR'S Twitter feed last night, woke up this morning and my Lil is dead as a dodo. That's no coincidence.

She made me leak a bit of pee. Tb fair, it wasn’t entirely her fault, that Julie Bindel was involved too. Their chat about bras just made me laugh too hard.
Which reminds me, I was going to start a go fund me for Julie’s physio bill.

I blame her for making some blackberries look nice and ripe and juicy when really they are not quite ready and turn your mouth inside out with tartness.

Some sort of dastardly magic I presume.

Was that her?? she's been doing it to the ones on my dog walk too HOW RUDE

I blame her for showing up what selfish, unimaginative toerags most male billionaires are.

now I know who’s been hexing me in the kitchen all these years hence my username

I was also extremely healthy and smoking fucking hot about 30 years ago and what happened there eh

Its all falling into place now

And wasn’t it her massively fucked the whole economy with the aid of a tabloid lettuce?

One of my headphones stopped working this morning. It's obviously all her fault

See, what she did here was she brought the season too early, so the brambles have ripened too fast. They look lush but taste shit. It's fucking disgraceful, and there should be a petition of some kind.

I’ve got a headache. Thanks for ruining my morning by inflicting it on me JKR, you dreadful woman.

That's fantastic, but I really resent JK Rowling calling me a Tollpatsch and Trampeltier.

I blame Thatcher for all these ills. They can't both be responsible.

Unless JK IS Thatcher. Have you ever seen them both in the same room?

I blame her for a strange night's sleep. Weirdly she was in my dream last night and she tasked me with finding her a range of 1 litre vases in glass or white for some kind of floral display. Although I never wear heels in my dream I was searching London shops for vases wearing heels and my feet were sore, so I blame her for dream sore feet too.

I think we might have finally discovered the true identity of Jack the Ripper after all these years…

Trampeltier is such a good word, we Lower Frankonians pronounce it "Drambledier" of course, we don't do P or T, hurts our mouth.

My roof is leaking and I know it was her.

She is literally making me wish my life way because next Tuesday sees the release of The Hallmarked Man. How many best-sellers does one woman need?

she sneaked into my utility room, broke my washing machine, then subtly encouraged me to hire a shit washing machine repair guy who gets the fucker working for a day or too before it bloody breaks again

then she wiped her muddy hands on towels I cannot wash

jesus, when will this woman’s nefarious activities be addressed?

She makes random passers-by say 'You missed a bit' when you are painting a garden fence, and 'you can do mine next' when you are washing a car.

It can't be a coincidence, it is clearly something they are compelled to say by an evil controlling force.

See,she's so busy this morning she didn't have time to use a shrinking charm on my tent bag so I got the tent in the bag first time including do the zip up, all by myself.
Even DH looked impressed!

That's an excellent point. I had a 24 inch waist, endless stamina, no wrinkles, and not a trace of grey in my hair. Then she started publishing books and now I have more white hairs than dark ones, a [mumble a number that's rather larger than 24] inch waist and am permanently exhausted. Not to mention the hot flushes.

Coincidence? I think not.

Someone’s responsible for me waking up at 12:20 every night unbelievably itchy and unable to get back to sleep and I think we all know who that is, don’t we hmmm?