I’m Trans, Here’s My Story

[SnugPeach]

Hi I’m Trans, I know I’m essentially coming into what some would consider the wolf’s den by coming here to make a post. But I’m also a strong believer in trying to help people to understand and am happy to explain my story and experiences if it helps to enhance others understanding.

I kind want this thread to be AMA but also to give a bit of backstory. Now I know some of you are going to hear the next few thing. I say an immediately just tell I’m confused or misled, but yes I have Autism. I was diagnosed at a young age, but Autism is just one part of me. Had being Autistic affected my gender? Maybe who knows, I am me, Autism is not something separate thing that it’s me.

Anyway I’ll try not to waffle as I do tend too. I’m currently 28, have been DIYing for 1 and half years. Have everything updated and changed, Name, Passport etc. I also extensively researched everything I could on HRT over the years as the NHS system takes year and years to be seen.

During Childhood really I was I guess you could say less aware of ‘gender’ than my peers as I was for most things. I was heavily bullied at school by the boys for being ‘weird’, they’d call me ‘gay’ not that I understood what that meant but I doubt they did either, it was the early 2000s afterall. Where as on the other hand I was quite friendly with the girls, they didn’t bully me and treated me often with compassion and I’d enjoy spending time with them. Unfortunately even they would get bullied from time to time for associating with me. The boys often disdained at my lack of interest in football or other ‘boy’ things. Instead I loved working out technology how things worked, along with people. Despite being Autistic I have always been fairly sociable even if it’s been riddled with difficulties and learn curves and I still struggle with that today, but I love connecting with people and sharing feelings.

Skip forward to Secondary School and here is where a few things happen. I’m still very behind my peers in my understanding of allot of things. My feelings on my gender are neutral are based purely on fact of I am what I am because how can I not be. It did learn about Transgender people but it didn’t still click for me. I remained still extremely cautious of the boys but was more of a loner. I wanted more girl friends but the social dynamic had changed. I viewed most of the boys as idiots and bafoons. They would do the dumbest stuff like all this stupid competitive crap and honestly a majority of time I found myself sharing my female peers feelings towards them. It was around this time I found myself more aligned with Femininity and started to self describe as a feminine-guy. But still I would be considerate and respectful towards the girls who knew saw me as a boy even if not the same. Afterall who could blame them when I myself felt the same way. My Mum taught be about the day to day struggles women deal with and I very much took that to heart. Honestly the way some of the boys acted towards girls in my class outright appalled me. I became invested in Feminism and equal rights which also spanned I to my experience with Autism and my own femininity (which had been policed just in the opposite direction, aka made fun of/discouraged). In the later years of Sixth Form I became friendly finally with people again after some therapy which also arose from me being on my own (was supported by a ta for most of my schooling, we had an autism centre in the school I went too) I grew very close to the girls in the group we would natter and gossip about all sorts. I kinda felt honoured that they considered me trustworthy enough to include in conversations they didn’t include the two other guys in. Also around this time people started asking me if I was Gay I was mostly confused, because I wasn’t Gay, Asexual yes technically (but did not have word for that yet), But not gay. I liked Women but romantically only.

Fast forward it’s university and I became a sort of shut in again. I commented to Uni and after my first year I hated the course. But my Mum refused to let me take a break or quit as by the time I’d had enough I was ‘halfway’ so her logic was to push through. Not that my degree has done anything for me. Anyway this is where feelings first started. Now in my early 20s I was finally catching up to my peers not that I’ve ever full caught up. I was fully realised as a feminine guy, however that never felt right. I also still felt outcast for this. That’s when I finally started to explore gender. Upon turning 18 I hate being called a Man and tried desperately to get people to call me a Guy as it felt less Man more neutral. So I after university came out as non-binary, I started to pass my nails get my hair dyed, But it still didn’t feel right. My Mum supported me until I bought a Jumper from the women's section. I cared deeply about my mum and her backlash was enough to push me back in the closet back to bring a feminine guy, but now my mum instead of being sensitive around my gender, it felt like she empathised my manners, which honestly disgusted me. I near had a referral for the gender clinic back here but due to this I basically let it go. One of things that made me so happy was just how unmanly I was including the fact I didn’t start growing any sort of facial hair until I was in my mid 20s and I grew and kept my hair long and it made me so so happy. Anyway back I went for a few years.

Then after finding out about Femboys it all came back, maybe this is what I am. But I quickly came to the conclusion again this was not right. I realised deep down I wished I where born a girl. I had thought that my childhood would have been easier if I was, the my behaviours would have been more acceptable. Which bought me great internal conflict. Afterall I’m a feminist. I adore the women in my life and my immediate reaction was one of disgust and hate for myself. How could I feel this way when I knew full well I struggle women have to deal with, the stereotypes my femininity fell into, the fact I could be a man and be all these things. I had a privilege one that I understood yet never felt, because I completely hated everything about being a man. So many parts of myself were restrained or restricted and I felt completely uncomfortable with myself. It turned out I was asexual for example because I couldn’t see myself as a man in situation like that ever. Still I spent the next 2 years fighting over all this with myself internally. I’d let my mum know and our relationship soured even more so because it. Over the course of the 2 years I fought with myself daily over my feelings, one side of me telling me what I was feeling was an offence to the women (cis and trans) I cared about. The other side in full acceptance that I did feel this way. I’d give away anything ANYTHING to have been born in a body that matched my mind. Again I don’t want to be a Male, full stop. I always have felt more female than male and why that’s something that’s not easily explained it’s just how I genuinely feel. All the acknowledgment and beliefs about you don’t have to be a girl to be feminine don’t seem to matter the logic doesn’t apply to that feeling.

Eventually with the support of some friends I finally go back to get a referral. Meanwhile completely separate thing but my Mums health was getting worse. She had Breast Cancer on and off since I was young also. I 2023 she was finally made terminal after over 23 years since her first diagnose (probably 5ish years of remission between first first and follow ups). Her being made terminal was a big wake up call for me for many things include this situation. For a while the debate stopped in my head because it was filled with worry about her but once that eased off (she lived about a year longer than they predicted) it all came back and hit me really hard. I was training 27 at the end of year. I was miserable my body disgusted me and I didn’t want to waste anymore time wondering if HRT would help and if it would allow me to finally put to bed some of my feelings. So I started to DIY just before my 27th birthday. I felt a tonne better within the two weeks and despite the fact it’s not like a magic bullet pill that took away all my dysphoria and stuff it’s helped to insane degree. My Mum obviously did not support me which was hard and broke my heart deeply since she was the women I have always looked up the most in my life. That all it’s own story really.

Right now I’m sort of back I a bad way. Sure due to my Autism amongst other things I still have allot of mental health issues. I’ve never worked, have allot of anxiety, issues with depression but again I had these before transition and arguably they where better and being more manageable after until the Court Ruling early this year. Since that ruling I have been referred and put back into Therapy again because of the effect it’s had on me amongst other stuff going on. I’m honestly terrified of what it all means. All I want is to live my life in peace as myself. I know you’re all going to have different views on what that should look like but all I ask is to have some empathy. I’m literally scared, I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life. Instead it feels like the whole world is crumbling around me and people view me as undesirable, undeserving and less of a person. Tell me who would sign on to feel like this?

it’s just so hard for me. I’m not even sure if what I’ve said is any good but I’ve just tried to describe best I can my experience and how I feel. I wish you all a pleasant day and please feel free to ask anything. Also apologises for any bad grammar/spelling mistakes, Dyslexic too.

This is exactly the point @SnugPeach . Please start reading the posts and stop merely reacting to them.

You aren't respecting women so why should we respect you?

@SnugPeach, you said earlier, "Where I and the majorly of people here in this thread disagree is on the issue of if Trans Women are Women or not."

I think you're right to imply this is the crux of the matter.

And I wonder if it might be worth tackling this, upfront, as it were. To start off, perhaps we could try to clarify matters. I wonder what you mean by (the word) "woman"? You see, if you mean the same as I do, it's clear from the start that trans women are not women, but men. It's obvious. (In fact, "a trans woman is a man" is analytic (a term in logical studies you might like to look up).)

So when you say, "... yes I to me am a women ...", then, it must be that you mean something different from what I (and my mum and dad, and uncles and aunties, and grandparents ... and children and grandchildren) mean by the word "woman".

What do you mean by the word "woman"? We'll be talking (and thinking) at cross purposes until we clarify what we mean.

@SnugPeach - human beings cannot change sex. There is no medical or surgical treatment that can make a man into a woman or vice versa.

Women and girls have every right to single sex spaces in toilets, changing rooms, hospitals, prisons, sports. We have every right to keep our words. We have every right to object when male rapists declare they are women and their crimes are recorded as female crimes.

My womanhood is not any man’s costume.

Sending you solidarity, @Taztoy

OP the fact you thought you could come and tell your story and convince all us bigoted women that you are one of us, shows your total ignorance.

You don’t know what it’s like to be a female from birth. Is women have battled inequalities since toddlerhood. We have been interested in the trans issues for over a decade because it affects our liberties after our foremothers fought so hard for a better life away from sexist stereotypes. There’s nothing more manly than thinking “I’ll just explain to the wimmin and they will listen”

We are invested in this and that won’t change.

Get your gender dysphoria sorted and accept you are male. You will be fine.

I would be really interested to ask you.. what would you say about yourself and your identity (who you are, what matters to you, your beliefs about the world) that goes beyond gender or being a woman? As in ‘who’ are you, as a person?

For me, I would say I’m very curious, I live through emotions and feelings, I tend to ‘read’ others. I’ve been called too sensitive and too opinionated, but I’m also shy and insecure. I see the world through ideas and theories. I think roots and tradition matter, I feel like who I am comes from my family, the people who loved me and came before me, even if I didn’t meet them, and I think about that often. I believe that meaning and purpose is more important than money, and like to have something to focus on that gives me a sense of achievement.

I guess my point is that although we are in part defined by our sex, ‘who’ we are is so much more than that.

Men don't accept no for an answer? No,some of us do: you don't.

I haven’t RTFT has the OP told us what he thinks a woman is defined as?

Because it surely has to be more than “I have fake tits and will one day have no penis”

A woman isn’t defined as “dickless man”

You have a penis.

Just a note to us all. Please don't settle for allowing a male who has had their penis and testicles removed access into female single sex provisions.

There is several issues with this. One, there is no indication that this removes the risk of that male person committing sex or violent crimes. Next, as we unfortunately know, there are many more ways to abuse women and children that don't need those body parts.

Also, male people without a penis and testicles still retain all other male body cues that female people will be likely to use to correctly identify that person as being a male person.

This matters of course, because the other major aspect of why we have single sex spaces is because we want privacy away from all male people (we make allowance for those under about 8 years old for caring needs). Privacy and dignity remains the same regardless of the status of whether a male person has had extreme body modification or not.

I know that most of us probably know this, but I just felt it was relevant to point out.

A major clue as to the sex of a person is that a TiM will have hands like shovels. No need to peer into their underwear or ask them to drop their kaks. No, just look at the hands. There isn't a TiM on earth who can cover that up unless they wear gloves in the toilets and don't wash their hands after being on the loo. I doubt they will decide to amputate their hands, even if they decide to amputate their willies.

By their hands shall ye know them. 😉

I'm concerned that the fact of having been assaulted by a man becomes a mark of affirmation of being a woman.

The more I listen to trans people (as I’ve been told I should do) the more I see women’s oppression as something they think they need to appropriate and be part of. Like we are all having shit loads of fun being oppressed, between pillow fights and hair braiding of course.

Sorry that was me. And it’s my trauma talking I suppose.

Thank you for your post.

I will go down each issue and give my view. In the view of sports. First I will say be it male or female no one body is the same. Yes Men have an advantage over Women in most physical sports and underrepresented in sport in general. I am no expect but from the scientific things I have seen most scientists say after 1-2 years of HRT the advantage of male puberty in sport is greatly diminished. I think in this case it’s up to sporting bodies (not government) to look at the science and make a decision. If the science shows no significant advantage then yes trans women should be allowed to participate. Again for me this is about being fair trans women are women in my eyes and they should be allowed to compete if science shows they don’t have a significant advantage. Again the reason I say significant is because there is always a best athlete, athletics is not fully equal it’s more like a scale the upper limit of that scale should be determined by the peak level of cis women athletes.

Changing Rooms. On this I will speak how I feel personally. I would not get changed in front of other women regardless. Unless the space was only filled with people I personally knew and am comfortable changing in front of, who where also comfortable with me being present. If changing rooms are sealed cubicles I don’t see a problem.

I do think that some people have tried to run before they can walk so to put it. I personally believe their intentions to be good and I have no ill will against them but sometimes there have been things I’ve seen that I have thought where too far or crazy or needed to built too with time. The word Trans has lost genuine meaning in the public’s eyes as the definition means one thing to one person and something else to another. I believe you can feel however you want but we need a united message, that’s where things have fallen apart.

I think Trans Women should be allowed at the Hempstead Pond. Again much in line with my comments about changing areas and stuff the same applies here.

i think Lesbians absolutely have the choice to have genital preference. It’s only transphobic if said Lesbian reacts in a way that is transphobic. But essentially being like, look I respect you but I don’t like dicks and so we’ve not compatible is completely acceptable. As somebody with dysphoria around that area I don’t expect other women to like my genitalia either. Some will like Women regardless others won’t preference is allowed. Any Trans Women who says it’s transphobic simply because a cis women said I can’t be with you because I don’t like dicks is being unreasonable, that is not transphobic.

Yes I can. Women feel attacked by Trans Women in my view because of the worries about the erosion of women’s rights Because of the push to self ID and the fear people will use that to access spaces easily. This has been accelerated by fear mongering in the media and culture war. Which also helps to distract us from far greater issues. I say this again from my feelings and the bottem of my heart. I don’t want to take any women’s rights away. I want only to be recognised as a women myself and outside of certain understandable circumstances treated and seen as such. I’m a feminist despite what some people here may feel, I believe we still have quite a way to go to true equality and the getting rid of the patriarchal system. Things like the end of Roe V Wade in the US have been indicative of the time and the attack on women rights by cis men and it disgusts me.

Thank you again for your questions and the way in which you asked them. I hope that what I have said helps to clarify my feelings and even if you don’t agree you can respect where I’m coming from.

I am sorry, I am not aiming this at you Taztoy at all. It is actually something that I have picked up previously too. So it really was a general reminder because some people (not you I expect) actually believe that something changes in a man once they have their penis and testicles removed.

Sadly, it doesn't.

For example, Punch a Terf Baker removed his very own testicles in jail. Still is an abuser of women even without that body part.

You chose to post on here and, seeing as you called this board “the wolf’s den”, we can safely assume you were expecting outright hostility.

But that isn’t what happened. The replies to your initial post were largely thoughtful and gentle, with many posters expressing sincere sympathy for your loss. As you apparently couldn’t cope with kind responses, what would have happened if you’d got what you expected? How would the attitude you thought you’d be met with have affected your mental health?

What was the point of posting somewhere you believed would be too difficult for you to handle? Did you want a narrative in which the nasty women of MN drove you to a mental health crisis? Or to confirm to yourself you’re the victim of horrible bigots?

If you’d genuinely seemed to be looking for a “conversation” I was willing to post my own personal story (which includes being autistic, identifying as NB for a while, and how this experience informed me becoming GC - like the vast majority of women here, I’m not a hateful uneducated bigot, which must be disappointing for you). But, as it seems you were just trying to hurt your own feelings, I won’t engage further.

Posting here feels like self-destructive behaviour and seeking out some additional therapy might not be a bad idea.

May I ask, from where have you formed these opinions? They're practically identical to the ones repeated by most transactivists. Have these come from social media influences?

I hope that what I have said helps to clarify my feelings and even if you don’t agree you can respect where I’m coming from.

No I don't agree. And no, I don't respect where you're coming from. Turns out you hold the same TRA opinions as the others TRAs. And no, you are not a feminist. At all.

"If the science shows no significant advantage then yes trans women should be allowed to participate."

It already has shown that there is no reduction in male advantage. Please stop reading only what you feel is safe. You also need to read the theory of what is fair competition too.

Here is the place for you to start reading. We have an easy to access archive all all the studies and the papers.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womensrights/5142027-save-female-sports-evidence-thread?page=1

I think Lesbians absolutely have the choice to have genital preference. It’s only transphobic if said Lesbian reacts in a way that is transphobic.

How absolutely dare you try to dictate to lesbians whether or not they can reject men.

I never said that. I talked about the fact I’d be SA’d by a man in relation to my fear of the men’s bathroom and men more so in general. Being SA’d is not a criteria to being a women.

I say this again from my feelings and the bottem of my heart. I don’t want to take any women’s rights away.

Yet you repeatedly insist on doing so by invading women’s spaces and using our language.

And your answer is to throw women's doors open to any man who says he belongs in there. Because we are just props to you, the main character.

Stay out of our spaces.

God that's grim.

Me me me me me me. Let me talk more about me and how I will trample all over women's rights at any given opportunity.

Fuck me. Can women have nothing of our own without men trying to appropriate it?