I’m Trans, Here’s My Story

[SnugPeach]

Hi I’m Trans, I know I’m essentially coming into what some would consider the wolf’s den by coming here to make a post. But I’m also a strong believer in trying to help people to understand and am happy to explain my story and experiences if it helps to enhance others understanding.

I kind want this thread to be AMA but also to give a bit of backstory. Now I know some of you are going to hear the next few thing. I say an immediately just tell I’m confused or misled, but yes I have Autism. I was diagnosed at a young age, but Autism is just one part of me. Had being Autistic affected my gender? Maybe who knows, I am me, Autism is not something separate thing that it’s me.

Anyway I’ll try not to waffle as I do tend too. I’m currently 28, have been DIYing for 1 and half years. Have everything updated and changed, Name, Passport etc. I also extensively researched everything I could on HRT over the years as the NHS system takes year and years to be seen.

During Childhood really I was I guess you could say less aware of ‘gender’ than my peers as I was for most things. I was heavily bullied at school by the boys for being ‘weird’, they’d call me ‘gay’ not that I understood what that meant but I doubt they did either, it was the early 2000s afterall. Where as on the other hand I was quite friendly with the girls, they didn’t bully me and treated me often with compassion and I’d enjoy spending time with them. Unfortunately even they would get bullied from time to time for associating with me. The boys often disdained at my lack of interest in football or other ‘boy’ things. Instead I loved working out technology how things worked, along with people. Despite being Autistic I have always been fairly sociable even if it’s been riddled with difficulties and learn curves and I still struggle with that today, but I love connecting with people and sharing feelings.

Skip forward to Secondary School and here is where a few things happen. I’m still very behind my peers in my understanding of allot of things. My feelings on my gender are neutral are based purely on fact of I am what I am because how can I not be. It did learn about Transgender people but it didn’t still click for me. I remained still extremely cautious of the boys but was more of a loner. I wanted more girl friends but the social dynamic had changed. I viewed most of the boys as idiots and bafoons. They would do the dumbest stuff like all this stupid competitive crap and honestly a majority of time I found myself sharing my female peers feelings towards them. It was around this time I found myself more aligned with Femininity and started to self describe as a feminine-guy. But still I would be considerate and respectful towards the girls who knew saw me as a boy even if not the same. Afterall who could blame them when I myself felt the same way. My Mum taught be about the day to day struggles women deal with and I very much took that to heart. Honestly the way some of the boys acted towards girls in my class outright appalled me. I became invested in Feminism and equal rights which also spanned I to my experience with Autism and my own femininity (which had been policed just in the opposite direction, aka made fun of/discouraged). In the later years of Sixth Form I became friendly finally with people again after some therapy which also arose from me being on my own (was supported by a ta for most of my schooling, we had an autism centre in the school I went too) I grew very close to the girls in the group we would natter and gossip about all sorts. I kinda felt honoured that they considered me trustworthy enough to include in conversations they didn’t include the two other guys in. Also around this time people started asking me if I was Gay I was mostly confused, because I wasn’t Gay, Asexual yes technically (but did not have word for that yet), But not gay. I liked Women but romantically only.

Fast forward it’s university and I became a sort of shut in again. I commented to Uni and after my first year I hated the course. But my Mum refused to let me take a break or quit as by the time I’d had enough I was ‘halfway’ so her logic was to push through. Not that my degree has done anything for me. Anyway this is where feelings first started. Now in my early 20s I was finally catching up to my peers not that I’ve ever full caught up. I was fully realised as a feminine guy, however that never felt right. I also still felt outcast for this. That’s when I finally started to explore gender. Upon turning 18 I hate being called a Man and tried desperately to get people to call me a Guy as it felt less Man more neutral. So I after university came out as non-binary, I started to pass my nails get my hair dyed, But it still didn’t feel right. My Mum supported me until I bought a Jumper from the women's section. I cared deeply about my mum and her backlash was enough to push me back in the closet back to bring a feminine guy, but now my mum instead of being sensitive around my gender, it felt like she empathised my manners, which honestly disgusted me. I near had a referral for the gender clinic back here but due to this I basically let it go. One of things that made me so happy was just how unmanly I was including the fact I didn’t start growing any sort of facial hair until I was in my mid 20s and I grew and kept my hair long and it made me so so happy. Anyway back I went for a few years.

Then after finding out about Femboys it all came back, maybe this is what I am. But I quickly came to the conclusion again this was not right. I realised deep down I wished I where born a girl. I had thought that my childhood would have been easier if I was, the my behaviours would have been more acceptable. Which bought me great internal conflict. Afterall I’m a feminist. I adore the women in my life and my immediate reaction was one of disgust and hate for myself. How could I feel this way when I knew full well I struggle women have to deal with, the stereotypes my femininity fell into, the fact I could be a man and be all these things. I had a privilege one that I understood yet never felt, because I completely hated everything about being a man. So many parts of myself were restrained or restricted and I felt completely uncomfortable with myself. It turned out I was asexual for example because I couldn’t see myself as a man in situation like that ever. Still I spent the next 2 years fighting over all this with myself internally. I’d let my mum know and our relationship soured even more so because it. Over the course of the 2 years I fought with myself daily over my feelings, one side of me telling me what I was feeling was an offence to the women (cis and trans) I cared about. The other side in full acceptance that I did feel this way. I’d give away anything ANYTHING to have been born in a body that matched my mind. Again I don’t want to be a Male, full stop. I always have felt more female than male and why that’s something that’s not easily explained it’s just how I genuinely feel. All the acknowledgment and beliefs about you don’t have to be a girl to be feminine don’t seem to matter the logic doesn’t apply to that feeling.

Eventually with the support of some friends I finally go back to get a referral. Meanwhile completely separate thing but my Mums health was getting worse. She had Breast Cancer on and off since I was young also. I 2023 she was finally made terminal after over 23 years since her first diagnose (probably 5ish years of remission between first first and follow ups). Her being made terminal was a big wake up call for me for many things include this situation. For a while the debate stopped in my head because it was filled with worry about her but once that eased off (she lived about a year longer than they predicted) it all came back and hit me really hard. I was training 27 at the end of year. I was miserable my body disgusted me and I didn’t want to waste anymore time wondering if HRT would help and if it would allow me to finally put to bed some of my feelings. So I started to DIY just before my 27th birthday. I felt a tonne better within the two weeks and despite the fact it’s not like a magic bullet pill that took away all my dysphoria and stuff it’s helped to insane degree. My Mum obviously did not support me which was hard and broke my heart deeply since she was the women I have always looked up the most in my life. That all it’s own story really.

Right now I’m sort of back I a bad way. Sure due to my Autism amongst other things I still have allot of mental health issues. I’ve never worked, have allot of anxiety, issues with depression but again I had these before transition and arguably they where better and being more manageable after until the Court Ruling early this year. Since that ruling I have been referred and put back into Therapy again because of the effect it’s had on me amongst other stuff going on. I’m honestly terrified of what it all means. All I want is to live my life in peace as myself. I know you’re all going to have different views on what that should look like but all I ask is to have some empathy. I’m literally scared, I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life. Instead it feels like the whole world is crumbling around me and people view me as undesirable, undeserving and less of a person. Tell me who would sign on to feel like this?

it’s just so hard for me. I’m not even sure if what I’ve said is any good but I’ve just tried to describe best I can my experience and how I feel. I wish you all a pleasant day and please feel free to ask anything. Also apologises for any bad grammar/spelling mistakes, Dyslexic too.

We are anti men in women's spaces. That's all.

Tangental but I thought it had been established transmen who genuinely look like men also should not use womens spaces so effectively are excluded from both single sex facilities, to lay that gotcha to rest. Gives them a dilema especially for detransitioners, but their's to navigate.

Do you mean the crime of harassment? I don’t think it’s established anywhere that the mere fact of a man entering a women’s toilet is sufficient to meet the bar to establish that. That seems a very unlikely proposition, given that the definition of harassment under the Protection from Harassment Act requires a “course” of conduct, which means behaviour on more than one occasion.

When someone tells them who they are, believe them.

I believe you.

In terms of deeper voices, women who take testosterone for years all seem to develop similar croaky voices rather than men’s voices - their voice box isn’t big enough to fully support the thickening of the vocal chords.

The also don’t grow in height (or pelvic shape as apparent from their gait).

But the SC ruling does allow for them to be excluded from women’s spaces as well as being excluded from men’s, if their appearance could upset women.

"I just want to be honest and down to earth with my feelings and not lie about who I am or what I feel."

And this is a directly contradictory statement.

You might be being 'honest' about your feelings but you are indeed not telling the truth about 'who' you are if you enter into a female single sex space.

Again, no matter how much you might hate hearing it, you cannot escape this specific material reality through changing that reality using a philosophical lens.

You continue to ignore the very fact that your very presence in those female single sex spaces causes harm to female people. Who you profess to love.

What kind of person will deliberately choose to enter a female single sex space knowing that they are male and that their presence is likely to cause the female people using the space harm?

It is actually deplorable to think that you would also choose to attend a rape crisis session that was female only instead of one specifically for your needs or a mixed sex session. I really hope that you read back this thread with some time and actually think through what has been said.

The whole point is that women should not be in a position where they have to make a judgement.

I'm a boring, middle aged, middle class woman.

When I use a loo outside of home, I need the loo.
My priority is it's clean, there's paper, water and a basin.

I don't want to have to worry about someone else coming in who is a woman who tries to look like a man, or a man who tries to look like a woman.

It's too complicated and stressful.

If women want to appear as men and be trans men, fair enough. But bear in mind other women will be wary of you, so decide in advance where you're going to have a pee, or whatever.

@SnugPeach

Op. You think your beliefs, feelings and wants override the wishes of all women.

This is a male trait

Earlier you said this:

I’d feel incredibly uncomfortable, downright terrified to use the men’s toilets.

Why is that? What is it about these male-bodied people that terrifies you?

It really really does.

No, harassment under the Equality Act is defined as:

A person (A) harasses another (B) if—
(a)A engages in unwanted conduct related to a relevant protected characteristic, and
(b)the conduct has the purpose or effect of—
(i)violating B's dignity, or
(ii)creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for B.
(2)A also harasses B if—
(a)A engages in unwanted conduct of a sexual nature, and
(b)the conduct has the purpose or effect referred to in subsection (1)(b).

There is no need for a course of conduct. You have a case against the provider of the services rather than the individual - it is the provider of the services who must ensure the spaces are single sex.

Of course, if they strip off, watch women or girls strip off, or repeatedly enter the women’s toilets then it could also be a criminal offence.

And for the record. I never said you should be banned from sexual assault survivors groups.

I said you shouldn’t push your way in, illegally, to those that are legally for women only.

there are loads of groups that allow trans women to attend and you are perfectly welcome in any of those, just as you are legally entitled to be in those for men.

where you are not allowed is in those for women survivors only that are legally using the single sex exemption.

I have every sympathy for you. I’ve been through a horrendous experience that gives me nightmares every night and you do not have the right to push me out of the space where I can get therapy, help and support to deal with what a man did to me.

The idea that a male body isn't a 'strictly' male body if it's had fake tits stitched on to it - what planet?

A male body that has been castrated is not only still male, it is evidence that it belongs to a man capable of ordering extreme physical violence. Not someone I want to be near.

Given your view of me the next line will probably be turned around in my face but I will say it because it’s true. Men don’t listen to word no. It’s disgusting and despicable they think they can just do anything and that their mindset is ‘she says no but she wants it really’ it’s outright disgusting.

Too right.

We are not turning this round in your face, You are doing it yourself. How can you not see that you are a living example of men not accepting women's "No"?

Here we have a man coming onto a women's forum and using 'having D cup sized breasts' as some kind of justification for being in a women's rape crisis centre.

If you can't see it by now, there is no helping you.

I think the key phrase in what you just said is "a different cultural category than men and women".

From what I can tell, all these societies that have categories like two spirit, fa'afafine etc acknowledge them as a third category. They don't tell gender questioning people that they "are" members of the opposite sex and that they have the right to expect everyone around them to pretend that they are, or the right to muscle in on everything set aside for the opposite sex.

That is what has caused most of the mischief. Most gender critical feminists don't hate trans people. What they object to is the enforced denial of facts and the cavalier disregard for women's needs as a sex. The unnecessary overreach, in other words. Putting male sex offenders in women's prisons. Hounding women out of their jobs for saying that sex sometimes matters. Encouraging children to see drastic surgery and heavy medication as a desirable goal and anyone who advises caution as a hateful enemy.

If trans activists had gone for the "third category, third spaces" approach, I think everyone (aside from a hardcore minority of real transphobes, most of them not in the least feminist) would have been happy with that.

Now what did Hayton say to us all about how female people were sorted on the social hierarchy according to breast size?

I mean, my husband might have bigger breasts than I have... doesn't make him a woman at all...

I won’t have it said that I don’t care. I’m probably gonna get crucified for reengaging but I pride myself on my honesty and the simple fact was your situation was overwhelming for me to try and respond too. As I know what I will say will not make it better and you will hate what I feel. But try I shall.

I don't believe you do care, you only re-engaged because you saw people calling you out for ignoring Taztoy.

Firstly what you went through is awful. I’m so sorry you had to experience such a dreadful traumatic event. Given your view of me the next line will probably be turned around in my face but I will say it because it’s true. Men don’t listen to word no. It’s disgusting and despicable they think they can just do anything and that their mindset is ‘she says no but she wants it really’ it’s outright disgusting.

Yes it will be turned around on you as you, a born male, are not listening to women who say 'No' to you.

Do I believe Trans Women should be barred from rape crisis/survivors groups no I don’t. Where I and the majorly of people here in this thread disagree is on the issue of if Trans Women are Women or not. I believe so yes, which again call me a hypocrite because I am Trans myself. But yes I to me am a women, why should I not be able to access these services?

You can and should access services for Trans people, services specific to your particular needs. Transwomen are not women not by any metric and the Law has clarified this. It is blatantly obvious why you should not access female only rape crisis services.

The main reason to you all is because you fundamentally view me as nothing more than a male and nothing we can talk about will change that.
I don’t have a strictly male body. First off im going to be very blunt. I fully intend to have bottom surgery, the thing that holds that up is waiting to get stuff done. However not every trans women wants to have bitten surgery and I respect that it doesn’t detract from them as women. I have D Cup sized Breasts. I’m not trying to push you out of anything or override you. I want us to be equal. That includes having consideration for our differences, as women.

You don't have differences as a woman, you have differences as a man. You cannot be equal to a woman, you are just simply not one. If you were a woman you would not need to do any of the above.

Lastly I don’t set the guidance this is just an opinion. When it comes to things like that yes it’s on the provider to decide and yes you are correct that a single sex exemption can be made. But until recently that was at the discretion of the body in charge of that. Now we’re just blanket taking away the ability for trans women to be in any female space even if everybody who uses that space is in agreement about it.

No, the Supreme Court Judgement clarified that where spaces, services, sports are designated as single sex then they have to be single sex based on biological sex and not on anything else including a GRC. The burble about everyone else using the space being in agreement for males to be allowed entry into female single sex spaces is just that, burble. Once males are allowed in female single sex spaces that space is mixed sex (and should be described as such) not female single sex and any and all males can enter.

I don’t think people will like what I have said but that’s what I feel as has every other reponce been. I just want to be honest and down to earth with my feelings and not lie about who I am or what I feel.

You totally disregard the feelings of women and girls and insist that yours are the only ones that count. No.

Wasn't the original question about whether a man can be arrested for entering a women's toilet? You can only be arrested when suspected of a criminal offence, and the EA2010 doesn't establish any criminal offences.

Also, and more significantly, the EA2010 applies to service providers, associations, public sector bodies and the like. It has no applicability to individuals (who don't meet any of those criteria).

So a a service provider (arguably) has a duty to prevent men from entering a women's bathroom but the man who does so cannot be prosecuted or for doing it, not only because it's not a criminal act but because the EA doesn't apply directly to him.

OP, for crying out loud, you aren't 'banned' from toilets or banned from centres for victims of sexual assault, or indeed 'banned' from anything other if those things are single sex spaces for females. Just like transwomen aren't 'banned' from sport or from anything else. Just stay in your lane. It's like I'm not banned from education because I wouldn't be welcome in a primary school class.
And just to reiterate the SC ruling hasn't changed the law. Women have had various sex-based rights for decades and we would like to keep them.
And you have your own special rights too, under the EA, in relation to gender reassignment.
Why dont you put your energies into fighting for more third spaces. While you're at it, people with disabilities could also do with more people to campaign for accessible toilets. It would do you good to think about others so maybe try that too. Honestly, it would help your mental health to be doing something useful instead of trying to weaken women's rights.

In the very early days of internet dating chat rooms, everyone had fake names and listed their bra size. Open to returning to that on Mumsnet...

So just to be clear after all the loooong 'please I just want to be understoooood' posts

OP has decided he will do what he wants because women are support humans and don't matter as much as him doing whatever he feels like

to your last point. -isn’t that what we are doing anyway? Male, female and unsex facilities. It is an acknowledgement that there is a space for all. No one needs encroach on each other’s space.

I’m a 36G.

Im king of the hill in that case.

but my back’s sore and my bras are unattractive.

I have been abused an bullied by men my whole life. I have seen how they think, how they operate. Anything beneath them is just helpless prey. I have been SA’d by a man. You really think me as a trans women taking HRT doing my best to blend in is going to be safe around of men. Either they see me as Trans Women straight up, a cross dressing guy or the do wonder why is this women in here… oh she’s Trans. You really think men are friendly to Trans Women!? You really don’t think they just view us as toys to be abused just as much as they can other women. If anything they get more dangerous with us because god-forbid they find us attractive. Find out we’re Trans and loose their shit. That’s why the whole Trans Panic Defence exists.

That’s why I don’t feel safe in male spaces, because I am not.