I’m Trans, Here’s My Story

[SnugPeach]

Hi I’m Trans, I know I’m essentially coming into what some would consider the wolf’s den by coming here to make a post. But I’m also a strong believer in trying to help people to understand and am happy to explain my story and experiences if it helps to enhance others understanding.

I kind want this thread to be AMA but also to give a bit of backstory. Now I know some of you are going to hear the next few thing. I say an immediately just tell I’m confused or misled, but yes I have Autism. I was diagnosed at a young age, but Autism is just one part of me. Had being Autistic affected my gender? Maybe who knows, I am me, Autism is not something separate thing that it’s me.

Anyway I’ll try not to waffle as I do tend too. I’m currently 28, have been DIYing for 1 and half years. Have everything updated and changed, Name, Passport etc. I also extensively researched everything I could on HRT over the years as the NHS system takes year and years to be seen.

During Childhood really I was I guess you could say less aware of ‘gender’ than my peers as I was for most things. I was heavily bullied at school by the boys for being ‘weird’, they’d call me ‘gay’ not that I understood what that meant but I doubt they did either, it was the early 2000s afterall. Where as on the other hand I was quite friendly with the girls, they didn’t bully me and treated me often with compassion and I’d enjoy spending time with them. Unfortunately even they would get bullied from time to time for associating with me. The boys often disdained at my lack of interest in football or other ‘boy’ things. Instead I loved working out technology how things worked, along with people. Despite being Autistic I have always been fairly sociable even if it’s been riddled with difficulties and learn curves and I still struggle with that today, but I love connecting with people and sharing feelings.

Skip forward to Secondary School and here is where a few things happen. I’m still very behind my peers in my understanding of allot of things. My feelings on my gender are neutral are based purely on fact of I am what I am because how can I not be. It did learn about Transgender people but it didn’t still click for me. I remained still extremely cautious of the boys but was more of a loner. I wanted more girl friends but the social dynamic had changed. I viewed most of the boys as idiots and bafoons. They would do the dumbest stuff like all this stupid competitive crap and honestly a majority of time I found myself sharing my female peers feelings towards them. It was around this time I found myself more aligned with Femininity and started to self describe as a feminine-guy. But still I would be considerate and respectful towards the girls who knew saw me as a boy even if not the same. Afterall who could blame them when I myself felt the same way. My Mum taught be about the day to day struggles women deal with and I very much took that to heart. Honestly the way some of the boys acted towards girls in my class outright appalled me. I became invested in Feminism and equal rights which also spanned I to my experience with Autism and my own femininity (which had been policed just in the opposite direction, aka made fun of/discouraged). In the later years of Sixth Form I became friendly finally with people again after some therapy which also arose from me being on my own (was supported by a ta for most of my schooling, we had an autism centre in the school I went too) I grew very close to the girls in the group we would natter and gossip about all sorts. I kinda felt honoured that they considered me trustworthy enough to include in conversations they didn’t include the two other guys in. Also around this time people started asking me if I was Gay I was mostly confused, because I wasn’t Gay, Asexual yes technically (but did not have word for that yet), But not gay. I liked Women but romantically only.

Fast forward it’s university and I became a sort of shut in again. I commented to Uni and after my first year I hated the course. But my Mum refused to let me take a break or quit as by the time I’d had enough I was ‘halfway’ so her logic was to push through. Not that my degree has done anything for me. Anyway this is where feelings first started. Now in my early 20s I was finally catching up to my peers not that I’ve ever full caught up. I was fully realised as a feminine guy, however that never felt right. I also still felt outcast for this. That’s when I finally started to explore gender. Upon turning 18 I hate being called a Man and tried desperately to get people to call me a Guy as it felt less Man more neutral. So I after university came out as non-binary, I started to pass my nails get my hair dyed, But it still didn’t feel right. My Mum supported me until I bought a Jumper from the women's section. I cared deeply about my mum and her backlash was enough to push me back in the closet back to bring a feminine guy, but now my mum instead of being sensitive around my gender, it felt like she empathised my manners, which honestly disgusted me. I near had a referral for the gender clinic back here but due to this I basically let it go. One of things that made me so happy was just how unmanly I was including the fact I didn’t start growing any sort of facial hair until I was in my mid 20s and I grew and kept my hair long and it made me so so happy. Anyway back I went for a few years.

Then after finding out about Femboys it all came back, maybe this is what I am. But I quickly came to the conclusion again this was not right. I realised deep down I wished I where born a girl. I had thought that my childhood would have been easier if I was, the my behaviours would have been more acceptable. Which bought me great internal conflict. Afterall I’m a feminist. I adore the women in my life and my immediate reaction was one of disgust and hate for myself. How could I feel this way when I knew full well I struggle women have to deal with, the stereotypes my femininity fell into, the fact I could be a man and be all these things. I had a privilege one that I understood yet never felt, because I completely hated everything about being a man. So many parts of myself were restrained or restricted and I felt completely uncomfortable with myself. It turned out I was asexual for example because I couldn’t see myself as a man in situation like that ever. Still I spent the next 2 years fighting over all this with myself internally. I’d let my mum know and our relationship soured even more so because it. Over the course of the 2 years I fought with myself daily over my feelings, one side of me telling me what I was feeling was an offence to the women (cis and trans) I cared about. The other side in full acceptance that I did feel this way. I’d give away anything ANYTHING to have been born in a body that matched my mind. Again I don’t want to be a Male, full stop. I always have felt more female than male and why that’s something that’s not easily explained it’s just how I genuinely feel. All the acknowledgment and beliefs about you don’t have to be a girl to be feminine don’t seem to matter the logic doesn’t apply to that feeling.

Eventually with the support of some friends I finally go back to get a referral. Meanwhile completely separate thing but my Mums health was getting worse. She had Breast Cancer on and off since I was young also. I 2023 she was finally made terminal after over 23 years since her first diagnose (probably 5ish years of remission between first first and follow ups). Her being made terminal was a big wake up call for me for many things include this situation. For a while the debate stopped in my head because it was filled with worry about her but once that eased off (she lived about a year longer than they predicted) it all came back and hit me really hard. I was training 27 at the end of year. I was miserable my body disgusted me and I didn’t want to waste anymore time wondering if HRT would help and if it would allow me to finally put to bed some of my feelings. So I started to DIY just before my 27th birthday. I felt a tonne better within the two weeks and despite the fact it’s not like a magic bullet pill that took away all my dysphoria and stuff it’s helped to insane degree. My Mum obviously did not support me which was hard and broke my heart deeply since she was the women I have always looked up the most in my life. That all it’s own story really.

Right now I’m sort of back I a bad way. Sure due to my Autism amongst other things I still have allot of mental health issues. I’ve never worked, have allot of anxiety, issues with depression but again I had these before transition and arguably they where better and being more manageable after until the Court Ruling early this year. Since that ruling I have been referred and put back into Therapy again because of the effect it’s had on me amongst other stuff going on. I’m honestly terrified of what it all means. All I want is to live my life in peace as myself. I know you’re all going to have different views on what that should look like but all I ask is to have some empathy. I’m literally scared, I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life. Instead it feels like the whole world is crumbling around me and people view me as undesirable, undeserving and less of a person. Tell me who would sign on to feel like this?

it’s just so hard for me. I’m not even sure if what I’ve said is any good but I’ve just tried to describe best I can my experience and how I feel. I wish you all a pleasant day and please feel free to ask anything. Also apologises for any bad grammar/spelling mistakes, Dyslexic too.

I agree with this.

I’m really sorry you’ve been through so much. I’m so so sorry about your mum as well.

Your post comes across a little bit as label searching - looking for where you fit in best. I’m not sure this is a good idea - labels can be reality restrictive. What stood out to me is that you found acceptance/happiness (?) as what you were - a male guy who liked being around women. There are many such guys- what made you turn to trying to BE a women? You have to know that’s just not possible.

I’m not sure you’re going to find what you’re looking for that way, for all the reasons mentioned above by other posters. I really hope you start to feel better in yourself soon.

You have autism and are a feminine man, who is self dosing on HRT [where are you getting this from exactly?] because you have convinced yourself that you are a woman, however if you were you wouldn't need HRT.

HRT is designed for women like me, whose bodies STOPPED making this hormone and whose bodies start breaking down and ceasing to function whereas your body will cease to function if you give it the wrong hormones [your HRT is not Replacing anything and your body is not designed for this increase in female hormones].

You call us wolves, and assume that none of us has ever known a feminine man or indeed anyone with autism. And assume that we need this phenomenon to be explained to us. We don't. We are well aware of feminine men, and of the black and white thinking that people with autism cannot step outside of.

Be assured, many men have come here before hoping to 'explain' it all to us whilst insulting us as you go. This is a very male trait so please be assured, even if you hadn't 'explained' it all, it would have been clear in your methodology which sex you are. Maybe you aren't so 'feminine' after all?

I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life.

You can't be like any other woman, because you're male.

“Here’s my story” and OP living out his whatever by writing an essay he hopes all the womwn on here read, sympathise, change their minds and “be kind” while he gets hard , I couldn't read all that drivel. Trans women are men. I cannot see you/them any other way. Be happy as the man you are. Good Luck and don’t use women’s private places please. It’s the Law.

@SnugPeach , IAM a man who has always had women friends. As an adult I spend time on MN, I sympathise (probably not the right word) with women, I have contributed to fundraising for two of the Court cases.
I do that for the memory of women family especially late sister.
I understand much more than many men. But I am a man every cell in my 15 stone body contains a Y chromosome. As does every cell in your body. It cannot be changed.whichis good for me.
I understand you had a tough time in adolescent years but you are now a man, you now mix with adults. You can now have adult conversations where facts and reason prevail.
Stop trying to change the things that cannot be changed. It is as if you want to negotiate a new value for gravity. Can't be done Pal stop wasting time and effort embrace being a kind man.
Women will love you. More effective than Brushing up your Shakespeare!😏

It’s brave of you to post your story here. You haven’t had an easy life. I agree with what the other posts have already said. I only wanted to add that I had a sfriend with autism, she had a very similar school experience to yours in mirror image - the girls were cruel and bitchy towards her; they mocked, ostracised, and humiliated her, but the boys let her tag along and she enjoyed the banter and straightforwardness of their interactions. Sometimes she would play football and she adopted the boys’ school uniform because that made her feel better aligned to the people who were sheltering her. She never wanted to BE a boy, she was a straight heterosexual woman who couldn’t find a way to get along with other women. For a while she had her hair cropped short like a boy and I wondered if she’d come out as bi but that never happened. After uni she always wore her hair long and loved it that way. She found a kind of peace at work where she was had a technical expert role. She was kind and witty and lots of fun. She struggled her whole life to fit in and our friendship was not easy because my friend would become fixated on certain ideas and it was very hard to talk to her when she got stuck in those single-minded paths. Sadly eventually became an alcoholic and refused to seek help; she died young. I miss her.

It’s important that you take very carefully into account the impact of your experience of being bullied; your close and fairly dependent relationship with your mum; your autism; and your inability to find paid, satisfying employment in your young adult life (work is very important to create sense of purpose, direction and belonging). You need a lot of therapy whichever path you go down.

I personally worry that you have latched onto an idea that if you can “become a woman” it will fix everything - I am not convinced that it will. I don’t think there’s an easy solution for you and if you get some comfort out of changing your body in drastic ways, I’m not going to judge you. But it saddens me that you are in this situation and haven’t been able to get professional help. DIY sex change is not ideal and I know you are aware of that. It is not just about the physical presentation of your body: it’s about your psychological state and your mental health welfare. It’s dangerous to do this without the right professional support in place so please get in touch with your GP.

I doubt you will listen to me but I honestly recommend your number 1 priority should be finding a job and finding a sociable hobby you enjoy. The hobby could be joining a choir, starting an allotment, planting forests, being a volunteer tour guide at an historic house! Ideally it should involve physical movement, fresh air and some social interaction but perhaps not very intensive. It would help I think, to get out and do something totally new and see yourself in a new light with a new crowd.

In the workplace you shouldn’t encounter bullying - it will be neutral.

I think you need some solid experiences where you don’t encounter judgement and where gender isn’t really a consideration. Adult life is nothing like school or university and I don’t think you have really had a chance to experience a standard adult life yet - you’ve had your mum’s illness to contend with on top of everything else. It has been a lot. I wish you well in the future.

I am sorry to hear your story, through which your pain and struggle is clear. The posters above have said most of what I wanted to say.

I think the posters talking about not trying to identify yourself into a box are absolutely spot on. And I am of the firm belief that the Internet and SoMe are the worst culprits at creating and maintaining boxes. You see it on Mumsnet - should I behave like this? Was the person wrong to do this? Like there is only way to be or act and we need public policeman to check our actions against. Other social media is similar, and I see it in all sorts of ways - patients who come saying they do 'not feel normal', or 'feel different to others' (how can they possibly know?) there must be something (medical) wrong with them, or policing every tiny physical difference/deformity as it does not fit some ideal. The big lips, the plastic surgery - all trying to be that impossible ideal which is sadly beamed into our faces 24/7. Never thought I'd miss glossy magazines, but at least they weren't ubiquitous.

Down with ideals! We are all unique and the best thing for us is to stop comparing. And importantly GET OFF THE INTERNET! Spend some time in the world - volunteer with those with even harder lives than yours, or with animals, or planting trees. Develop hobbies that put you with people who don't give a damn about your labels - go running, join an art group. If you can, get a job where you feel needed and useful. Dress yourself, your hair and nails exactly the way you like them for you - not as a performance. And wear them proudly as a very unique man.

Your comment that the SC ruling was hard for you tells me you are deep in Internet land. Please leave it, even if just for a time.

OP you've looked for reasons and solutions to a problem and seem to think womanhood is the answer to all that ails you. It isn't.

You can go down the route you are currently on, but I doubt you'll find the happiness you are looking for.

You can change your name, your hair, your clothes, take hormones in quantities not designed for your body, get artificial breasts, get your penis cut off, and change all your documents to say female but you will never be a woman.

The cold hard fact is that you are a man, and will always be a man.

My heart goes out to you. Being neurodiverse is difficult - I didnt realise how difficult until faced with my wonderful DC's mental health struggles; and being bullied through school is hideous and very hard to ever get over. Your mum being ill for so many years will also have taken a massive toll on you, quite aside from being eventually bereaved.
But you remain a male. You are fine as you are. You can have long hair, and paint your nails, and wear whatever you like and hate football, and that's fine. You're different from some males, and similar to a few. We are all individuals after all and how boring the world would be if all women liked was hair and make up and all men liked was footie and beer!
Dont worry: the Supreme Court didnt change anything. It simply explained that women's sex-based rights have always been based on biological sex. And women on this board just want those laws, there to allow us to live equally in an unequal society, to be respected. You also have 'extra' rights under the Equality Act under gender reassignment, to allow you to live equally too.
I hope things get easier. Try not to spend too much time online - it's a rabbit hole and honestly not great when mental health is a problem.

I agree with the other posts that you are leaning heavily on a label. You need to look at reality. I am also concerned you have never worked and are possible over ruminating on everything. Work builds confidence and relationships and should not be underestimated. Start with volunteering first if necessary but get yourself out there and out of the box

So in summary, you struggled in school and life socially because you are autistic. Girls are socialised to be supportive; a situation which you exploited throughout school. Your mental health, like those of most autistic individuals, has worsened in adulthood due to your autism. You have fixated on ‘trans’ as being the solution to this despite the fact that ‘transitioning’ hugely worsens mental health. You are now lying to those around you about your sex on formal documents, and presumably forcing yourself into women’s spaces despite being a man. You are trying to reinforce harmful stereotypes about women as they are the only way you can claim to be a ‘woman’. And you expect women to put up with this? To pretend you are something you are not? It just goes to show you have absolutely no idea what it is to be a woman.

The trouble is @SnugPeach , we are unable to share views with many in the trans community due to the assumption that we are coming from a place of hatred and bigotry, rather than a place of being a victim of the gendered experience through all the stages of our lives.

I am not a cis woman, im not sure i know any 'cis' women. My humanity has been denied, due to my sex in many small and confusing ways from before I could speak to now in middle age.

I am all for non binary, I can really get behind a rejection of gender stereotypes, I think we should all (male and female) being working for that. What hurts me and my experience is an embracing of gender stereotypes of the opposite sex. How can a reinforcement of such harmful stereotypes ever be a progression.

You are perfect as you are @SnugPeach ; however you dress, whoever you love, there us nothing wrong with you. Please love yourself, don't medicalise yourself.

Im perfect as I am, my ASD, dyslexic, gay DC are perfect as they are and I am wishing we can get safely to the point they accept themselves as they are, rather than becoming influenced that there is something wrong with their bodies. How could I ever celebrate mutilation and medicalisation? Don't get me wrong, I will be there for them no matter what.

I’m sorry for your troubles but you lost me at “trying to help people to understand.” We understand perfectly, and we don’t need the delusional to try to convince us otherwise. Humans can’t change sex.

This is like someone I know who had a similar history, lost her mum and then it culminated in transitioning ftm. It’s given her something to define herself and feel positive about but it’s fairly clear to me and most people who know her that she is and probably always was a lesbian woman, but that hasn’t been such a prominent identity choice in society of late so she went the non-binary into trans route, for now. I say nothing as it’s her life and journey to live but I won’t say that she’s a man because that’s not biologically possible. Same with OP, I wish you well but you’re not and never will be a woman, and it’s not all that delightful most days anyway I promise you.

I want to engage in good faith but I can't really believe this thread will go any other way than a long, rambling, memememememe monologue from OP (loaded with assorted 'btw this bad thing happened to me so please don't be mean') then lots of kind, well-thought out responses from FWR posters, then the OP comes back, berates everyone for being a bullying bitch, and BTW they're more of a woman than a cis woman and pass 110% of the time and they're never going to waste their breath engaging again.

Have you never considered that many women also could write their tough life story to “help people to understand” why they need single sex spaces and people not to pretend that men are women? In fact JK Rowling did just that, no? What sort of reaction do you think they’d get from TRAs?

@unreasonablebaguette 🎯

None of this makes you any kind of woman. It makes you a very hyperfocussed man who has an obsession that is entirely a figment of your own imagination. Im really sorry you have encountered homophobia and bigotry as a result of being a feminine guy, but that is an indication that society needs to change, not you. What you are doing is self harm. You said "For a while the debate stopped in my head because it was filled with worry about her" when your mum got a terminal diagnosis. Doesn't this show that it's an obsession that you, with enough motivation and the right support, could get over?

I am really sorry you lost your mum and I’m sorry you feel so unhappy.

im an autistic woman. My friends are mostly men and I don’t dress in a stereotypically female way.

post-menopausal as I am I take HRT to replace the hormones my body isn’t making any more because I was incredibly unwell without them.

Why do you think you have actually become a woman?

what is wrong with just being a man who likes to dress in a stereotypically feminine way and have female friends?

I sceptical this isn’t just another plop and run

Lots of excellent advice has already been given.

I am so very sorry about the loss of your mum. That must have been so very hard at such a young age. And autism will have made finding your way in the world as an adult much more challenging too.

But being a woman does not mean an easier life. It is insulting to think this way. Someone who isn't female will not know - can't know - what being a woman truly means. A trans woman will never have period pains during a critical exam or be sacked for being pregnant/menopausal or have to deal with an adult body that is significantly physical weaker than virtually all healthy adult men.

In the same way I can't know what is like to be black or to need to use a wheelchair to get around. I can empathise and listen, but that is not the same as experiencing it.

The world needs to be much more accepting and welcoming of 'feminine' men. Many men still seem to struggle with gender non conforming males. For example the repugnant abuse of gay men in professional football. But that is a problem only men themselves can solve.

Women's single sex spaces are not a refuge for adult men that some other men treat very badly. If we allow adult males in, they are no longer a single sex space. Men can, of course, be extraordinarily lovely people - much nicer than me! - but we still don't want them in women's spaces.

Being gentle, thoughtful and caring are excellent qualities. Talk to your GP about your struggles and unhappiness. Talk therapy is much more likely to help you live a rewarding life, than hoping for cross-sex hormones to work unlikely miracles. Common side-effects of taking female hormones include mood swings, headaches and weight gain. So they are not an obvious cure for depression.

Most of my very favourite people are 'gender non conforming'. Extremely feminine women and overly masculine men are usually exhausting nightmares. Being GNC is a positive quality not a sign that you are the wrong sex.

Exactly.

For a while the debate stopped in my head because it was filled with worry about her

Is this not a major clue to you that there are other ways of thinking about yourself? Rumination does not help. You made changes to yourself to try and feel happier, to be a feminine man. But instead of moving forward being who you are, a neurodivergent, stereotype-divergent man, you now expect the world to reshape itself around your self-image. A self-image born of unhealthy, unhelpful rumination.

I, as probably every other poster on this thread, am sorry for your distress and for your loss of your mum, but it doesn't change anything: you are a man. A grieving, confused, self-medicating man.

Hello lovely. I’m the mum to an autistic kid. I’m also gender critical.

To other posters - please understand that everything you say will be pored over and any negativity manifested by 1000%. I realise it’s usually entirely appropriate for trans people coming on this board to “explain it all” to be treated robustly, but I’m not sure that’s what this is. I wonder if this is about the OP’s mum, and the conversation the OP wishes had been had with her.

I wonder how you feel about David Bowie, @SnugPeach? We live in a really gender segregated age but other generations were much better at subverting gender norms and feeling comfortable about it. You don’t mention your Dad? I’m hazarding a guess he’s either not around or isn’t the best example of the genre.

Which leaves you with examples of maleness that you cannot relate to, and examples of femaleness which are much more relatable.

The organisation Just Therapy will help you to unpick all of this. See if you can find someone who really understands how autistic minds work.

On a practical level, I know how hard it is being autistic so if presenting as trans gets you though for the time being, you go for it. But be sure that you expressing yourself does not cross the line into intimidating others, because male bodies are intimidating to women in a vulnerable position because they are stronger and because women have observed everything that you have about how male behaviour can be.

The only thing the Supreme Court ruling has done day-to-day is make it slightly trickier to find a public toilet. If you were my kid I’d remind you you have a sunflower lanyard and tell you to use the disabled. Because in my view it is your disability which makes you vulnerable. But (as I also say to my daughter who does have to use the disabled loo on occasion) do try to limit that where you can as there may be someone who needs it more than you. If you are a member of a gym, if I were your parent I would suggest arriving ready to work out or finding a gym with unisex facilities. You don’t need to use women’s single sex facilities. There are plenty of people online acting as though this judgement is meant just to hurt the feelings of trans people. It’s actually just about women and their safety.

One final thing. You are not by any means the only person who has to reconcile what was good about their parents with what was bad. In some ways that’s part of the last stage of growing up. Go easy on yourself.

Firstly, sorry for your loss. 💐
Secondly, it's not possible to change sex, no matter how uncomfortable you feel as an autistic person in your male body. I'm sorry that society doesn't seem accept men who don't fit a typical 'mould', but while women might be more accepting of you and kind to you, you're not a woman. No amount of surgery or hormone treatment can turn a man into a woman, or vice versa. I do think you would benefit from mental health support and/or therapy, and encourage you to investigate that further. I wish you well. ❤️