Banned from breastfeeding group for objecting to males breastfeeding

[snickerdoodle1990]

Hi everyone,

I gave birth a few months ago and had some breastfeeding difficulties, so joined a local breastfeeding support group in my city. It’s basically a place to go for support with feeding, plus meet other mums/have a cuppa and biscuit etc. They also have a FB group. It’s become a nice, friendly place to go once every couple of weeks.

Recently, a trans-woman (male) has joined the group asking for support because their wife has not long had a baby and the trans-woman is wishing to breastfeed too, apparently through use of hormones and domperidone (?) to stimulate supply (I did not realise this was possible at all)

I really really object to this person being present in a group of women who are seeking breastfeeding support, trying to come together in their breastfeeding experience and also revealing themselves intimately

I told the group leader my concerns and she basically told me to shove it - said that the group is a safe space for everyone and they support all who wish to breastfeed and that I shouldn’t come back because I am a bigot

I am horrified as are the other women, where do we all stand and what would you do?

It fills me with horror to think of the synthetic rubbish that is being fed to that baby to satisfy some man’s sense of entitlement.

Agreed. And it fills me with horror that he is using his own child to suck his nipples so he can pretend to be a woman. It is so far away from centring the child’s needs. 🚩

It is making you uncomfortable, yes. But I don't see how you can speak for all the other members of the group and know how they feel. If I were one of them I would be welcoming. Maybe not everyone in the group is as closed minded as you...?

Sorry to nitpick but it’s safe to take paracetamol and eat soft cheese while breastfeeding so anybody providing this advice is wrong!

The breastfeeding network (https://www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/drugs-factsheets) has really helpful factsheets about medication while breastfeeding. Women not getting prescribed perfectly safe drugs they need (or being too scared to take them/made to feel like they should turn them down) is a real frustration of mine. It muddies the water about medications that genuinely aren’t safe. Plus if you’re struggling with pain, depression etc etc then it’s naturally going to make breastfeeding more difficult and potentially contribute to women feel like they have to stop before they want to.

The risk with soft cheeses etc is mostly related to the effects of a potential listeria infection on the developing fetus so again, not an issue for breastfeeding.

I didn’t want somebody to stumble across your post and think that they’re doing something wrong.

My city has a similar set up (maybe the same one?) without getting into my thoughts on inducing lactation, I would just say in my city Dad’s are welcome to come to the group too to support their partners and understand breastfeeding. My husband came with me in the early days after c section. Are men welcome too in your group? If so then I feel you are discriminating against the trans mum coming to group. If it’s a female only space then I do understand where you’re coming from.

I totally agree

I find the idea sickening tbh. But of course the rights and wellbeing of women and children don't matter. It's sanctioned abuse.

Men have always been in breastfeeding groups. My exhusband took me to one when our daughter was very little as I had had a section and unable to drive, 17yrs later my brother ended up taking his wife for the same reason - struggling with breastfeeding and unable to drive due to section. Breastfeeding counsellors can advise men on how to support women as well as helping women get the latch correct. The focus is the baby.

Domperidone is a prescription only medicine. Either the bloke is buying illegal supplies on the dark web or getting a prescription from a dodgy doctor. It's licensed for treating nausea & vomiting or abdominal pain in palliative care.

Yes agreed. Many women are prescribed painkillers that are safe for breastfeeding post c-section and paracetamol is always the base drug for it before you go on to anything stronger if needed. I breastfed both of my children and more recently supported my SIL breastfeeding, both of us used paracetamol correctly.

Or so open minded you will believe any shit anyone tells you? Even that a man who fathered a child is now a woman? And his desire to breastfeed is because he’s now a woman? And not because he’s a man with a lactation fetish? And not because he’s exhibiting controlling behaviour around the mother of his child.

I suggest a bit more reasoned thinking, a bit more open eyed cynicism, and a bit less believing in any idea that comes along so you can pat yourself on the back for being so open-minded that you lose your ability to think.

@Oldermum84 the OP is not being closed minded. This is a very specific female function that cannot be replicated by cross sex hormones or performance.
You might be happy to welcome this TW but it should not exclude a natal women seeking help because he trumps her.
There is no good reason for a natal male to be there. He is obviously not suffering from body dysphoria if he still has the ability to father a child.
Fwiw I have a trans family member and this is unacceptable behaviour for genuine trans people trying to go about their business. It smacks of someone who is a transactivist and is looking to cause distress.

In the words of the inimitable Magdelen Berns 'You are so open minded your brain's fallen out'. This is a fetishist getting off on being with a group of women who are breastfeeding. Stop pretending that men can be women. They can't.

If she's calling you a bigot, I think you'd be well in your rights to tell her what she is: a delusional bootlicking lunatic.

And legally that means all.

If it is not single sex, it is mixed sex. Allowing one 'impregnating parent' to join means they must allow all impregnating parents. There's a reason these groups usually don't allow dads - if they let this man in, they must also let in all the other dads.

Maybe we should start staging mass sign ups to trans support groups and just barge on in

"move on with the times"?

Have a little think, is every trend worth following? Is every new invention necessarily good because it's new?

Just some food for thought.

Men who wish they were women are not women and are not mothers.

@snickerdoodle1990 soery to hear about your experience

if the group is described as women only then they can’t let him in. If it’s not, theres not much you can do though I agree with all the people saying a social services alert because what he’s describing is child abuse.

if you have a male partner I would be tempted to bring him to the next meeting because if they’re allowing one male in, they have to allow all males in.

I am not massively GC, pretty tolerant around transgender people. But even I find this so wrong. The thought actually makes my skin crawl. Totally agree with @Higgeldypiggeldy35 - it’s personal desire for gender affirmation rather than in the best interests of the baby. The fact you’ve been kicked from the group for raising concerns is astonishing, I would seriously be contacting the local council and every news outlet I could find.

I never said they were women but the can refer to themselves as mothers if they wish, it doesn’t matter that you or I don’t see them as mothers in the traditional sense

If no males were allowed in the group, then no women would be made to feel uncomfortable.

Having just given birth is one of the most vulnerable times in a woman's life. Women deserve to have a single sex spaces to receive breastfeeding support. And if there's a risk of women feeling awkward, embarrassed, uncomfortable or unsafe because a man wants to barge in, just because you dont care, the rest of us can. And do.

That’s fair enough if that’s what you personally feel comfortable with. But that’s kind of the point - it’s not just me and what I think, I’m just one little person in the world. A little fish in a tiny pond. Plenty of other women in the group are equally uncomfortable, and plenty of other posters have stated that they would feel uncomfortable too.

It is possible to be both open minded but find something wrong or uncomfortable.

Referring to yourself as a mother is one thing, making a small baby suck your nipples is quite another.

Other matters apart, I’d be very concerned a) about the drugs that the baby would presumably be imbibing with any milk produced, and b) would these drugs have been prescribed by our cash-strapped NHS??

If we're talking about "moving with the times" how about moving with the times now that the Supreme Court judgement has been made?

This is so so wrong!
Men cannot breastfeed, surely if they have implants they still haven’t got the tubes and ducts. As for stimulating some secretions???? My mind boggles. Why would anyone put that in their baby’s system?
If that person wants to support the baby’s mother; there are many other ways such as letting mum sleep, providing nourishing food and drinks; doing the housework etc.
Is there anything these men don’t want to steal from us. I find it incredibly sad that this rubbish is being pandered to and frankly makes me more gc- and angry.