Ask me anything about my experience as a trans man who wholeheartedly defends women’s rights

[13J]

I really didn’t know how to title this.
But I’ve replied to a couple of posts over the last few days regarding trans people and the SC ruling.

For those who haven’t seen my previous posts.

i’m in my mid 30s.
i transitioned at 18, started testosterone at 20 and had full top and bottom surgery at 25. I also hold a GRC. I am told I pass extremely well, and most people are quite surprised if they learn I’m trans after having known me a while.

HOWEVER,
As much as I believe that everyone’s right are important, I do not believe eradicating women’s rights in the name of trans rights is okay.

i do not believe single sex spaces should be invaded by the opposite sex, and that people should be made to feel uncomfortable in their safe spaces.

I KNOW you cannot change your sex. I know I have not changed my biological sex.

i know I have a surgically altered female body, not a male one.

i have been rejected by most trans people and in most trans inclusive spaces for disagreeing with the loud minority on these points.

I’ve been called transphobic on many occasions because of it,

And as I have become older, I have come to a deeper understanding that gender is nothing more than a social concept, and while I am happy in my life and the choices I made.
i am not sure I would make the same ones again if I knew then what I know now.

So I just wanted to open this post up and say if anyone would like to know anything further about what I’ve experienced or my personal beliefs. Then feel free to ask, I will answer as openly and honestly as possible and no topic is off limits.

i am speaking only for myself, not for other trans people, but I suspect that many of them feel this way, they are just afraid to voice it because of the backlash they’d receive.

Welcome.
I’ll ask just one question for now…

What was it that caused you to destroy your natural body?

What do you believe is the reason(s)why trans women haven't campaigned to have their own toilets, changing rooms etc.

@Myalternate
Thank you

Honestly,
As a child I horrifically bullied at school for having poor eyesight and being quite poor, and at home I was emotionally and sexually abused. Leading to depression, anxiety and an eating disorder.

I hated everything about myself, because I had been taught that everyone else hated me.

My parents were very stereotypical, and I was more comfortable in ‘boys’ clothing, wanted ‘boys’ toys, liked things like football and cars.

I was constantly told I couldn’t like things, have things, wear things, because I was a girl.

So, I didn’t want to be a girl.
Not if that meant spending my life being abused, mistreated and told I had to be unhappy.

Do you use men's changing rooms, looks, etc?

That sounds awful.

I'm not sure the best way to phrase this, but I'll have a go. With hindsight do you think it was easier for those around you, for professionals, for society, maybe for yourself to consider you 'trans' and to 'fix' that, than to address the trauma you had suffered?

Hi - you say that whilst your happy now if you had your time again you may not chose the same path if you knew then what you know now. Can you expand please?

I’m really sorry for the bad experiences of your childhood, and hope you’ve been able to make a happy adulthood!

Do you have enough acceptance for being who you are, given the rejection by the wider trans community? And are you part of the LGB community?

Do you feel that the trans rights movement as a whole is mostly concerned with the rights of transwomen?

Do you think that gender identity ideology is based on sex stereotypes? It sounds like in your experience it was partially your parents' adherence to stereotypes for girls that made you want to escape this and become a boy?

I mean this kindly OP, your childhood sounds awful and I’m so sorry you were treated so badly, but don’t you feel any bitterness or anger that your abuse led you to do this to yourself? Or have you had help with it and managed to let it go.
Again, I am so sorry; you’d get no judgement or discrimination from me.

Can I please ask if you are, or think you might be, neurodiverse?

@atoo
Not if I can help it. I will always use gender neutral/disabled facilities where available for my own safety and comfort, and that of others.

If no alternative is available, prior to surgery I used female facilities for safety.i was challenged because of how I looked, which I understand. Before hormones, once I spoke it was accepted that I was female and it was fine.

After hormones, short of stripping, it was hard for women to just believe me because I did look and sound very male (I know that’s unusual). So I just stopped doing things where I’d need to change, and avoided public toilets

After surgery, I use the men’s. I have never had any issues and never felt unsafe, But if I looked more feminine then I’m sure I would feel much more uncomfortable.

Third spaces are really the only solution.

But to answer @AcquadiP

i think it’s a couple of things

Some people need to feel validated in their identity. particularly in the early days of transition.

I used to feel that way, I was desperate to use the men’s facilities to prove I was a man, but I had been a woman who had been abused by men, so I knew the risks.

Most trans women haven’t been abused by men, and haven’t been treated the way women are treated, so they don’t understand why women feel uncomfortable.
They just believe because they’re a woman now in their eyes, it’s where they should be.

But, I also believe that now, a lot of people who are claiming to be trans and are demanding to be in women’s spaces, and then doing things like stripping in full view so everyone knows they have a penis, are not genuinely trans
They are men, and it’s a sick kink.They know you’re uncomfortable and they trice on it because if you dare to question it they can bleat transphobia

Well, they could until the SC ruling.

Can I also please ask what you would say to a teen girl who identifies as a transgender boy?

Interesting, thank you.

@BackToLurk

Im not sure if it was easier for others although it probably was from a medical perspective because the depression etc was all attributed to my gender issues.

But it felt easier for me, it felt like it would solve all of my problems. It didn’t, although I do feel more comfortable now.

But I think that’s more to do with me having done a lot of work on accepting myself rather than the physical changes that have been made.

Thanks so much for starting this thread. It's very brave and so helpful to move away from the black and white views. What concerns me as a Muslim woman is that we have strict rules about gender interaction. Where people 'pass' well as the opposite gender, I feel this takes away my choice to follow these rules. So for example, a biologically male person might see me undressed and I wouldn't realise. Do you have any ideas how this could be addressed?

Given your dreadful upbringing have you had therapy for it and before you went down the route to transition?

@Justme56
Yes, of course.

i think i felt powerless as a child.
i had no control and most of what was happening to me was bad.

Things I liked, i was told I shouldn’t or couldn’t because I was female.

So to me, I thought if I was male, i could cut my hair short and wear baggy jeans and like football and nobody would complain. Nobody would be pressuring me to wear makeup or dresses or like ‘girly’ things.

initially when I transitioned I was so happy about all of those superficial things that I thought I’d solved the problem.

I hated my body. I was extremely small chested, too skinny, and not considered attractive.

As a man, I was viewed as attractive, I was wanted, and needed and accepted in a way I had not been before.

But, being older now, I realise that that acceptance had to come from within me.

I didn’t become comfortable because I trabsitioned

i became comfortable because I took control of my life.

Sp I do wonder if I had just moved away, and lived how I wanted, whether I could’ve comfortably done so as a woman.

What is your sexual partner preference?

@13J thank you for your engagement here. I'm so sorry to read about your childhood and trauma. You seem to have a firm grasp of this debate and I'm sorry if that has caused you difficulties too.

My daughter is autistic, has been depressed since her early teens, she identifies as male and prefers the treatment she receives in society as people perceive her to be male.

But I don't believe that her transitioning will solve all her issues, just as you've posted that you're more comfortable now but that transitioning didn't solve all your problems. How would you advise someone in my child's situation - they are legally adult but immature in some ways and very autistic as well, so they wouldn't listen to my opinions.

@myplace
i have a lot of acceptance in my life now, but I think that’s is more to do with finding the right people rather than my actual gender or sex.

i am also gay.
I find the LBG community accepts me as a gay man.
But before I came to an acceptance of my sexuality, I felt the community didn’t accept me as trans.

Tbh i am relieved for you that you’re ok. Thanks for speaking out. The reason i find the trans movement so awful is the unnecessary and increase in suffering of vulnerable people and twisting of basic biological facts, mainly for male fetish purposes.

@spannasaurus
100% transmen are rarely mentioned. And don’t seem to flaunt themselves so much. You never heard of a trans man standing in the middle of a men’s changing room and stripping pre op do you? Because they wouldn’t, because they understand the risks.

Men don’t care if we are in their space because they don’t feel threatened.

But there’s also been some high profile trans men who have done us no favours either because they’ve done things like have children and demand to be known as the child’s mother whilst simultaneously demanding the world see them as a man, and naturally those two things don’t go together. So people tend to think they just want special treatment (which I imagine is true).

Thanks for your AMA - I am so sorry that you had such a dreadful childhood. Do you think if you had a happy childhood you would have been happy as a female as an adult? No judgement from me - I wish you all the best for the future

Thanks for starting the thread, OP.

I’m curious as to whether you’ve ever felt unsafe/uncomfortable in male-only spaces such as toilets, and if so, what you think made you feel that way?

e.g. was it fear of being clocked as trans, feeling physically vulnerable (I should imagine that would depend on your height/build to some extent), etc?

Also, it sounds like you tend not to disclose your trans status in everyday life - is that quite stressful to maintain?