Non fatal strangulation and choking during sex

[ArabellaScott]

Grim read.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62zwy0nex0o

These threads are always so depressing.

I'll bet the term 'breath play' was first used by a man

Non-fatal can quickly change to fatal, if it happened once that would be the end of sex with the strangler for me.

I totally agree. I’ve done stuff years ago that I didn’t enjoy, pretending I did, just to keep the man and to feel desirable. Looking back I was stupid and vulnerable. I had no self respect and still suffer now as a result. ( not prepared to go into details ) but physically as well as mentally. Sex is a huge hang up for me now but 20 years ago I was ‘easy’ and regret it now

You need to forgive yourself. You were young and impressionable. You didn’t know any better.
Be kinder to yourself.

How much of a positive are these kinds of relationship to the children involved?

I would hazard a guess that many women have similar stories. And please don't you or anyone feel that they need to go into any details to explain why they feel how they do.

Especially not on an internet forum.

I don't think we can remove men from the anal equation because anal is pleasurable for the male anatomy, far, far more than for women.

Women explore these things alone, with other women,

Lesbian sex is amazing and believe me when I say that anal penetration is WAY low down on our list of priorities! Almost never happens.

I feel like we need a feminist sex education organisation. A proper, grim, pearl-clutching, fire-breathing, 'not the fun kind' of feminist organisation. That will share information, great role models, provide non judgemental, clear, factual and evidence based information, and help girls feel centred, confident, and at home in their bodies.

Understand their own feelings and desires, help out their friends, understand consent, recognise abuse, coercion. It could maybe offer a phone line, work with safeguarding at the heart of everything.

Why are women's bodies so often occupied territory?

If I can offer a male perspective in my experience a minority of women maybe 10-15% enjoy anal sex but those who enjoy anal sex really really enjoy it. I have even had a couple of partners who preferred anal sex to vaginal penetration.

Which is fine.

What's not fine is when the other 85-90% are prude-shamed and pressured into something they don't want. Which porn culture does.

Or did they just say they did because they thought that’s what you wanted to hear? It’s actually very painful and damaging internally long term! I used to watch porn and thought I was weird not liking it ! So pretended I did just to be thought of as sexy

Women need to read Dworkin!

Seriously it really saddens me that third wave 'choice' feminism derided her as an ugly fat man hating prude. The generation of feminists who did that really did their own selves dirty. They thought that Dworkin was a pearl clutcher and they flocked towards sex positivity, polyamory, strip clubs and other things that our patriarchal media and society convinced them was what they really wanted.

I'm so happy that Dworkin's having a resurgence amongst Gen A women. It gives me hope and joy.

Maybe we need a sort of meta campaign to address the derision aimed at some of the second wave feminists.

An anti-smear campaign.

It does seem that women trying to help and protect other women attract a lot of opprobrium. As one gets older, it seems quite obvious why. But it also feels like facing down the ocean.

Avalanches of rape culture, porn culture, consumerist culture, hyper individualism, libfemmery - and in the background all the lurking men with their own agendas.

Some of them will even turn up on a feminist board to tell us about women who love anal sex.

Just find any women who have worked with victims of domestic and/ or sexual abuse.

It ruined me.

I went from “sex positive”, “sex work is work”, “sexual liberation is so empowering for women” to being horrified by it all within a matter of weeks.

The reality of it is earth shattering.

I naively went into it thinking it would be women who had no recourse to leave abusive relationships. In actual fact, it encompassed so many issues with the unifying feature that they were nearly entirely males exploiting females.

On a daily basis I would be speaking to the police, addiction services, probation services, prisons, social services, homeless shelters, schools, doctors, services who support prostitutes, services who support women at risk of so-called-honour killings.

You may think kinky sex is titillating, but when the basis of it is a woman risking her life to satisfy a man’s sexual urges, it’s all part of a wider problem.

I have had lesbian partners who absolutely loved anal play and it was a very normal part of our sex lives, hence why I specifically brought it up.

And how do you think they came to this conclusion?

Do you think the first time they received anal penetration it was pleasurable? Or do you think it was painful and they just continued regardless to please their partner?

Do you think it’s possible these women were “performing” sex in a way they’ve been told is the way that men want?

Do you think it’s possible they’ve been through something traumatic that makes them reticent to have vaginal penetration?

Why do you think your male perspective is relevant here? We’re not talking about what men think women think about sex. We’re talking about what women think and you’re not a woman.

If you’re a sex positive and open minded person then I’m surprised you’re claiming it’s safe. There is no safe way to strange or be strangled.

People in the kink community who are honest, open and experienced like @PinotPonywill explain that to you, if you won’t listen to people you think are vanilla / pearl clutchers etc.

The fact you think it can be done safely shows a lack of awareness or maybe experience.

How many straight men have died from a female partner doing it to them though?

I already highlight this in another comment I made. Men hold the power here, but they are also guilty of enjoying receiving it. Straight men have died from doing it to themselves. My point around that was that it is/can be an objectively pleasurable act. Not that it isn’t dangerous, or more dangerous for a man to do to a woman.

The point is that a woman wanting to do this isn’t “just going along” with a man’s murder fantasy. As some here have said it is. It is a sexual act you find in gay/lesbian relationships as well as solo.

Yes famously there’s no grey area at all between lying on our backs at the ceiling and being strangled….

Yes famously there’s no grey area at all between lying on our backs at the ceiling and being strangled….

They are, but I hope that they are a sort of way of letting the sunlight in.

And the other question might be how many women have killed themselves through autoasphyxiation? I’ve only heard of men doing it.

How convenient that women's becoming empowered and able to speak their desires plays straight into what men like doing to women.