It seems that everyone I talk to knows someone who is transitioning or is non-binary. I sometimes try to find out how terfy or not someone might be. And they're not because they have a niece or friend or friend's child who's trans. I feel quite alone in my thoughts.
Pronouns at the end of emails are everywhere. I've not been asked to do it yet, but I know it's coming.
I'm a freelancer. I'm on a trial period with a new client. I'm writing a script for a webnovel. The main character is non-binary but looks like a woman. I've been told that I have to write in a gender-neutral way. But it's vampire erotica. And nobody is allowed to be anything - no genitals/breasts. A lot of the other writers on this project are non-binary or FtoM. A lot of cosplay stuff. It's really hard to write. I'm upset because they clearly don't like me. I was hoping for lots of work from this client. Ties are REALLY hard. They loved the test I did for them. But they don't like my story. I just can't do this GenZ/Queer thing. I'm lost. I've always been a loony lefty, always been woke... but I'm all washed out now. I can't keep up. I'm really upset. I have to feed my kid and keep a roof over our heads, but I feel a bit pushed out. I could fake it, pretend I'm non-binary or something. I'm just very down. Very.
I feel like they're going to find out I'm in my 40s, have two tits, single mother, 6 cats... and it just won't wash. It's not cool. I don't have a TikTok where I cosplay. I don't really have much of an online presence at all. I don't pose in fetish gear on Instagram.
I live abroad. Very, very rurally. In the local arts centre I met a MtoF who just looked like a giant trucker in a dress. I know that sounds rude. And I can't believe I'm saying it because I never would have said anything like that in the past. He was complaining about going to a lesbian event and having to drive two hours to get there and that when he arrived, none of them were very nice to him. All the women I was with were comforting him and saying how terrible it was. He said there was a "very masculine energy from the butch lesbians" at the event and that they made him feel very ill at ease. I piped up and suggested that maybe that was because they were lesbians and that lesbians are attracted to women, and it did not go down well. So, I backed off. And now, I smile at him whenever I see him, and we have a pleasant chat. I don't have the courage of my convictions.
Today, I was on a phone call with an old client who might have a little bit of work for me. I told her that I was just finishing up a non-binary vamp story. To be honest, I was hoping for some "terf" company. She was delighted. Her daughter is non-binary, and her daughter's girlfriend is on testosterone. So again, I backed off.
I think this is how it will be. I can't make a living unless I play along. I feel so fed up. I really believe in women's rights, but I can't risk speaking out.
This isn't a very well-ordered post. Sorry. I needed a bit of a ramble. I'm really quite down.