Insistent on they/them

[chipmugs]

Name changed.

I play a team contact sport. It's a women's team and we enter in the women's league. Two players on our team that I know of are transwomen. One post-operative and one I don't know as she hasn't been around very long. Some other players are, I think, calling themselves non-binary but are obviously at least to me female.

Another player, a female, recently announced at the end of training that they'd noticed people misgendering others at practice and saying we mustn't do this, it will be called out as we are an inclusive club. During training and practice we should all be "they/them". I'm almost certain she meant that someone has said "she" referring to non-binary players. I don't think anyone has referred to the trans players as "he", I'm fairly sure of that.

I don't want to be policed in this way. It's a women's league. The transwomen are spoken about with female pronouns. If you are a female with issues surrounding being described with female pronouns then maybe this isn't the club for you. I am considering saying I want to be referred to only as she/her to see what would happen if I did.

What would you do in this situation?

Please don't tell me I shouldn't accept a place on a team with trans women because there aren't many opportunities for me to play sport and although I'm not keen on it I'm cowardly and not ready to lose something I love.

Just to add as I think a pp shared misinformation: the EqA protected characteristic of gender reassignment does not compel others as to the use of chosen language and pronouns, and it is not legal discrimination to not use a person's chosen pronouns. Maya Forstater's case discusses this in some depth.

If it is 'respectful' to use someone's chosen language when they are TQ+ identified then it must logically be equally 'respectful' for a TQ+ person to reciprocally use and accept a non TQ+ person's chosen language or understand that they may hold other views. It's a two way street. Or are we talking about hierarchies of caste here where some have power and entitlement to command respect (which if so, would not actually be respect, would it? it would be an act of subservience) that others don't? Which surely would exist only so long as the lower caste would agree to enable it?

Empress linked this article on another thread: this is Lily Maynard, the quote seems helpful re using mis-sexing pronouns:

Using male pronouns to refer to women allows that somehow those of us left behind in the ‘cis’ camp are either enamoured with or oblivious to our sex’s oppression. We must stay in the box so others can leap out into the realm of authenticity. After all, surely we would change our own pronouns if we weren’t happy?

How can we protect single sex spaces- whether it be prisons, sports, refuges or aqua aerobics classes- while calling a man ‘she’? A man is either a woman or he isn’t. And he isn’t. Some say it’s about respect. What about respect? Respect has to be earned, and it wouldn’t matter how much I respected you, you still couldn’t change sex.

Or in this case, what is everyone supposed to do when there are different TQ+ identified people who would like to control the pronouns for the group but don't agree on what the pronoun should be.

I also assumed roller derby, my kids went to watch a game recently and met a bloke in the women's team, with a beard, who uses it/it's pronouns - not a woman by any definition, even gender IDs. They all had pronoun stickers on helmets and there was a bit of everything - it is a place to watch for where pronouns go next. If you have mixed heritage you have your pronouns in all your languages, for example.

It sounds like the officially mixed sex teams are actually safer as the contact rules account for size and strength difference.

I avoid anyone who is stupid and deluded enough to use ridiculous pronouns.

Let them play on their own.

If it is rollerderby, and I can see why a lot of PPs are guessing that, is it specifically the contact aspect that you like or is it the skating? If the latter are there options for you to join skate groups, like artistic skaters, jam skaters, just general roller discos, outdoor skate groups? You could arrange with some of the teammates that you are friends with to go attend those events/groups together. Then, you have options to just ease back from the derby side of things for a while maintaining parts of the activity and the freindships you value.

I'm all for this,I'm sure they'd find something else to kick off about but at least the sane people wouldn't have to worry.

Something that bothers me is the “if you slip up” terminology. If I use the pronouns based on my perception of his or her sex, as I have ben doing for over sixty years, why is it assumed that I “slipped up”? Using gender identity “preferred’ (read “demanded”) pronouns is a really recent innovation. Ten years ago, I had not come across it. It is ageist to demand that old people change the habits and assumptions of a lifetime, as this demands a lot of mental effort for some of us, and it also implies agreement with a worldview that some of us find highly problematic.