Insistent on they/them

[chipmugs]

Name changed.

I play a team contact sport. It's a women's team and we enter in the women's league. Two players on our team that I know of are transwomen. One post-operative and one I don't know as she hasn't been around very long. Some other players are, I think, calling themselves non-binary but are obviously at least to me female.

Another player, a female, recently announced at the end of training that they'd noticed people misgendering others at practice and saying we mustn't do this, it will be called out as we are an inclusive club. During training and practice we should all be "they/them". I'm almost certain she meant that someone has said "she" referring to non-binary players. I don't think anyone has referred to the trans players as "he", I'm fairly sure of that.

I don't want to be policed in this way. It's a women's league. The transwomen are spoken about with female pronouns. If you are a female with issues surrounding being described with female pronouns then maybe this isn't the club for you. I am considering saying I want to be referred to only as she/her to see what would happen if I did.

What would you do in this situation?

Please don't tell me I shouldn't accept a place on a team with trans women because there aren't many opportunities for me to play sport and although I'm not keen on it I'm cowardly and not ready to lose something I love.

That's a fair point, if it's just another player then they don't have the authority to make a new club rule. Presumably there's some kind of club secretary and clubs rules/regs?

In that case you are meant to say that Betty is stunning and brave and that was clearly a valid tackle.

With a straight face.

"I'd prefer not to be misgendered, she/her for me please".

I’m not sure that would work if you have more than 2 sentences though.

Straight face? What's with the heteronormativity?

I think a lot of people at the club do believe TWAW and those that don't aren't confident speaking out.

I like most of the team, some are great friends and I don't want to upset anyone. I also have no other option for this sport

So they're not non binary are they, if they've chosen to play on a woman's team.
Somewhere inside them they have chosen to play with and against women. Why would they do that if they were non binary?

Surely the way to resolve this is just to ask everyone what pronouns they would like to be called, and agree that everyone will have the courtesy and respect to try to remember and use those pronouns.

I would say something along the lines of "we all try to be polite but it's not inclusive for people to go round policing each other's language. Some people are not ready to declare what pronouns they use, that's very outing. People's transition status is private. Other people have cognitive issues, you can't expect everyone to know and remember everyone else's preferred pronouns all the time and never make a mistake. Accusing other people of deliberate misgendering is offensive, and calling other people out for getting pronouns wrong is aggressive and non-inclusive behaviour that can easily turn into bullying"

Can't you say you have an undisclosed information processing disorder and that saying "they/them" about individuals will be really difficult for you? If they claim you're transphobic, tell them they're ableist.

I thought that's where we were at until recently and someone has got worked up because "she" has accidentally been used for a woman who may not like it. No one will have done it purposely, it's not like that

(As a side note, how can someone feel triggered and upset by the use of a "she" pronoun but not by playing in a women's team? Or is it a vagina-havers team? Mind you, one trans woman is pre-op so maybe it should be a lady-feels team... wait, that rules out non-binary person... wait...)

It's almost as though segregating sports by "gender feelz" rather than sex is a complicated and pointless venture...

Couldn't be arsed with this bullshit!

Thank you. That's a really helpful way to manage it

"Used for a woman who may not like it"...

You mean someone was offended on her behalf?

Yes, I think the person who brought it up is a female she-her

Taking offence on behalf of someone else who "may" have got offended had they heard is ridiculous.

I think if this is raised again, I think I would discuss it with whoever is in charge and say that this is not an agreed club rule and that this kind of self-appointed monitoring is prone to turn into bullying, accusations, and a suppressive atmosphere. Surely not the "inclusive" environment the club is supposedly after. If an individual player is deliberately harassing another player because of their gender identity then that individual player can be dealt with.

I am so tired and fed up of this nonsense. And why are males playing in a female sport league? Trans or whatever they have male strength and physical advantage in sport. I do not have any easy answers for you OP - this nonsense is just going to get worse. Maybe the answer is to have a trans & non-binary league as a stand alone then they can battle their they/thems out together and let everyone else got on with it?

Tell him you are as special as him so you get to state your preferred pronouns and that they are she/her and if he dares to mis gender you, you will be calling them out on it.

I could not be doing with that crap.

This

Best not to break the law. Where there might be circumstances in which misgendering people isn't illegal, deliberate misgendering can be harrasment.

https://www.opendemocracy.net/en/5050/david-mackereth-dwp-doctor-christian-trans-people/

I can't believe that anyone playing in a women's team is going to get upset about the use of female pronouns. Surely it's literally the definition of being there?

No one is suggesting a campaign of harassment tho, Dad. But fab of you to point out that would be against the law! Good job you're around to edumacate us wimmin.