Insistent on they/them

[chipmugs]

Name changed.

I play a team contact sport. It's a women's team and we enter in the women's league. Two players on our team that I know of are transwomen. One post-operative and one I don't know as she hasn't been around very long. Some other players are, I think, calling themselves non-binary but are obviously at least to me female.

Another player, a female, recently announced at the end of training that they'd noticed people misgendering others at practice and saying we mustn't do this, it will be called out as we are an inclusive club. During training and practice we should all be "they/them". I'm almost certain she meant that someone has said "she" referring to non-binary players. I don't think anyone has referred to the trans players as "he", I'm fairly sure of that.

I don't want to be policed in this way. It's a women's league. The transwomen are spoken about with female pronouns. If you are a female with issues surrounding being described with female pronouns then maybe this isn't the club for you. I am considering saying I want to be referred to only as she/her to see what would happen if I did.

What would you do in this situation?

Please don't tell me I shouldn't accept a place on a team with trans women because there aren't many opportunities for me to play sport and although I'm not keen on it I'm cowardly and not ready to lose something I love.

So EVERYONE has to accept being they/them? BIG NO

Yeah, I don't like it. I want to push it, to see how MY desire to have specific - and correct!! - pronouns goes down

It's a contact sport. I would be more worried that the men on your team may injure other women, and that any games you win are won unfairly.

Surely that's what really matters?

If the concern is "misgendering" then enforcing "they/them" for everyone is going to "misgender" everyone who doesn't claim a "non-binary" identity whilst also demanding "they/them" pronouns. Which is the women and the transwomen. I'm surprised that the organisers would risk upsetting the transwomen by refusing to use "she/her" for them.

Honestly, this kind of controlling behaviour would make me think it wasn't the sort of place I'd want to spend my time, but I can appreciate that if it's the only group you can join then you're in a difficult spot.

If I take a stand over that, I won't ever get to play. I don't like it but that's that

By that, I mean males in a women's team. I can't play anywhere else, and even if I could I'd likely not be allowed as a terf

Why are males allowed to play in a female team of contact sports??

Males on women's teams happens in lots of sports, including contact sports. That's not really my question here although I am not keen

I appreciate what you're saying but, if it's a contact sport then honestly I don't think this is negotiable. I'm really sorry, it's a shit situation and it's not your fault, but it's still a no from me.

"Hold on, are you actually suggesting that you get to dictate what pronouns the entire team is referred to as on their behalf?"

That was exactly what I thought when she said it. I was a bit too shocked to say anything at the time

Im shocked. It's completely wrong. What don't all the women (biological) stand together? This is crazy.

'Actually my pronouns are she/her'. Uncontroversial surely?

Can't you leave her and the transwomen to fight it out? She can tell them they can't be "she", and we'll see who the last person standing is.

I wouldn’t be pleased being labelled as they/them because that’s not what I go by. If someone told me they wanted to be they/them then yes of course I’d respect that and use those pronouns but on a woman’s team you would expect she/her so could he slip of the tongue. Everyone shouldn’t be put in the same box to please a few people so I would have to say I’d want to be called she

I've heard this suggestion among some female friends of mine, too (not close friends).

It's not actually about pronouns, it's about ignoring that sex exists. These friends of mine also pointedly use phrases like "pregnant people".

They (subconsciously?) want to live in a kind of utopia where sex doesn't exist. I think they think that if we all pretend it doesn't exist, sexism will also cease to exist.

(Of course, we won't, and it won't.)

I've learnt the hard way that there is nothing you can do to make people like this see reason. And you will lose friends and lose influence by attempting it.

I hope you can find a different sports club because I think that's the only plausible way out of your situation

So the 'they' refers to the group of women?

Or are individual women addressed as 'they' rather than 'she' ?

Think the transwomen are ok with the they/them proclamation though, in the spirit of being kind etc

I want everyone to be kind enough to cut us some slack saying "she" about people who've chosen to play on a women's team and let it go

Roller derby, OP? It was captured very early on and from what I understand it's impossible to find a group that isn't very pro-trans. Ten years ago the first young female transitioners I encountered were involved in roller derby.

No the complainer was saying we should say "Betty's lucky they didn't get a penalty for that" or similar instead of Betty's lucky she got away with that foul

This sounds like a terrible idea. Referring to a "she" as a "they" is straightforward misgendering. Using the pronouns which people ask for is the best way to proceed.

What if Betty's a bloke?

Was the complainer speaking in any kind of official capacity?

Presuming not, I'd probably just ignore her for now. Write down what she does and when she's been rude enough to objectively justify it, make a complaint about her bullying behaviour.

In the meantime, perhaps sound out the other players about her bossyness.

‘It’s lucky Betty got away with that foul.’
”can someone check if Betty’s coming for drinks later?’

First, I play in a sport that is women only - we do not allow transwomen to play at all. In other situations where there may be trans identifiying people, I will not use compelled language, but will always be polite and phrase things carefully to avoid the use of any pronouns.

Compelled speech is NEVER the best way to proceed.