Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass

If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:

Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

Re name of thread, isn't there a Star Wars film called 'Revenge of the Si(x)th?

Hi, I'm a trans-bereaved father (my adult daughters think that saying they're boys but knowing I know they're girls is a good enough reason never to speak to me again) and stand with you ladies in not accepting the destruction of family and reputation done by the trans cult.

My brother, on the eve of my dad's funeral has just announced to my mum he's always felt like a woman.
Subsequently, he's phoned distant relatives to really spread the news.
He was in Brighton in the 90s shagging everything in a skirt, don't remember any laundry between conquests or exploration of his feminine side then.
Not at all interested in supporting siblings during the child rearing times. Very pub culture football lad orientated.
He has managed to out narcissist my mum which is quite an achievement. I absolutely think this is the key to it, attention was slipping and it just wasn't enough to be the unemployed golden child with a functional alcohol problem. Had to explore something new.

Sorry @beeflin I feel so sad that these young girls aren't proud to be women. I'm not sure how we'd have fitted it in but we've definitely failed to make the next gen feel privileged to be female hence them rejecting the awesomeness that is being a kick ass, womb bearing, oestrogen producing human.

Blimey Dadhouse hes picked his fucking moment hasnt he
Sorry about your dad

So sorry @Dadhouse , presumably it's because your father has died that he now feels able to come out with it (all about him!). He couldn't even wait a decent length of time before saying it

Thank you but I can't blame us - we sweated as much as any parents to give them support and love. I blame some right bastards among famous and powerful AGPs for creating this hatred to further their narcissism. Credit and blame where it's due!

Is he planning on turning up to the funeral en femme?

He rocked up in very casual shorts and football shirt but with what I can only describe as attention seeking nipples.
It was rather a sight in a sea of elderly smart outfits.

I'm lucky that although we have parents in common and a shared understanding of our childhood, we could have no need for further discussion. It makes me sad, and angry that over the years we've made excuses, and allowances for his actions but he couldn't even put others first at a fairly major life event, it had to be about him.

It's undermined the past, I don't recognise what he is saying and I can't trust him.

My heart goes out to you all with closer ties to your significant person. So hard to explain to ourselves, let alone others we are responsible for.

So sorry Dadhouse and Beeflin. Very similar themes connect us - betrayal, loss, estrangement and their oblivion to the feelings of others.

Just saying hi. I’m in the US and was invited here after reaching out to the trans widows page. I found them on YouTube was interested in more support. I’m really needing support as I feel so alone and silenced.

I finalized my divorce with my ex husband this year after he came out as male to female transgender. This was my partner of 22 years and a 15 year marriage. He was my high school sweetheart and I came from a very traumatic childhood and we moved out together. Now at 40 I am starting over and I can’t trust my judgement in men. I can’t get a fresh start from him because we share a child together and my state being very liberal has deemed it in my (special needs) child’s best interest to have equal time with “Dad”. My sons Daddy chose to come to his elementary school dressed as a “sexy witch” for Halloween last year. That is what my state thinks is in my child’s best interest. My son has autism and can’t even totally pick up on the looks from others but I can.

Because I make more money I pay child support to my ex husband even though he has full time employment because my state feels I should supplement “her” income. They don’t consider I am disabled, did not instigate the change that shattered our lives or the costs that I have to pay for my and my child’s therapy to try to recover from this change and the ongoing psychological damage. We are struggling!

I don’t know I can ever fully recover but I am feeling some positive energy reading others stories. I can never feel like I have a voice. No one wants to hear how this impacts families and ruins lives. They only care about my spouse who was a shitty abusive alcoholic husband even during the marriage! At one point his online purchases had the DEA come to our home. He put holes in our walls during his rages and damaged our property to frighten me.

We went to a marriage therapist (I think of him as a terror-pist now) when he first came out who told me I was a lesbian because I had fallen in love with my husband and my husband had always been a woman and just didn’t fully acknowledge it! I’ve heard this a few times now from others and it is just so wild to me! This was my marriage ending moment. I knew I wasn’t a lesbian (nothing against lesbians but I’m not one and this man wasn’t going to tell me I was).

We went to a marriage therapist (I think of him as a terror-pist now) when he first came out who told me I was a lesbian because I had fallen in love with my husband and my husband had always been a woman and just didn’t fully acknowledge it! I’ve heard this a few times now from others and it is just so wild to me! This was my marriage ending moment. I knew I wasn’t a lesbian (nothing against lesbians but I’m not one and this man wasn’t going to tell me I was).

Bloody hell! Talk about gaslighting! 😡

You have suffered a terrible blow, but as long as you remember you are the victim and your husband was a bastard and a crook you will be able to relate to another man in the future. Just remember never to gaslight yourself. Be upset and angry and work through your feelings gradually, knowing they're deep.

Welcome Damaya. You've had a really raw deal financially and legally. You really haven't been heard, and many of us on here have felt a profound need to tell our stories, truths and lived experience. The timing is poor for women whose partners have done this in the last few years because of the surge in cheerleading for transitioning, making us even more isolated. I hope the fact that you have escaped helps, and that you can start to make your own life. His behaviour is appalling and I hope you have food friends and family around you?

Getting out definitely helps. Space offers a lot of healing. Therapy is helping too.

I have a few friends I can be open with but I unfortunately lost others in this. I have my son who I am staying strong for. This was really hard on him.

what held them back from seeing him?

Hi.

I started a thread in the other forum and was directed here. I'm not sure if I consider myself a transwidow or not... My ex was very abusive, for an explanation I have given some examples here...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4888627-removed-from-a-dv-support-group-due-to-trans-issues-talk-of-abuse-warning

My ex transitioned, well even that's up for debate, after I left the relationship. However, it's not like I lost anyone because the man he was before wasn't real. None of it was ever real... I've read some things from other trans widow websites and there's some similarities between those women and me.

He started off doing drag but I did drag too. It was hilarious fun until he made no so fun. I mean, I'm one of those nerds that wears a costume at Halloween and goes to science fiction conventions in costume. Drag was just another act for me.

Yeah, he stole my clothes and I hated it. Waste of a $180 half bodice for ren fest. He stole my make up until he spent a ridiculous amount of money for his. Honestly, I believe this is just another mask for him to wear until he gets tired of it or until he is done with his current supply.

I hate having to heal while still dealing with him. Our child who is three now says, "I have two mommies!" If I were a lesbian I wouldn't care but I'm not. My ex calls his boyfriend our child's daddy and so that's what she calls him... I worry about how this all will effect her later.

She just came back from a 50 day extended summer visitation. I was supposed to have two weekends and he only let me have one. "You should just stay away and leave us alone." He said. I'm her mother and sometimes I don't feel like it because he is literally trying to replace me.

I know what that sounds like. Crazy right? But it's true... He never asks or discusses, there's no compromise no allowing the natural progression or for adaptation for me or our child. In the beginning it was "not his job," to care for our child it was mine "because you wanted her! You're her mother." Now, several years later it's devolved to, "stop abusing my child I will keep her safe far away from you. I am her mother. Child support is extortion and you will do as I say or I will take my daughter away from you." Followed by a massive amount of insults...

I wonder if it will ever stop? I wonder if I will ever be able to say, "F'off I am not celebrating my abusers life path!" Without a ton of extremists screaming insults at me mostly from behind a computer screen? Or a confused cop calls me or shows up for a welfare check late at night and I have to explain ALL over again. Or when a judge is confused and it effects the process... Or our child's preschool or her doctor... I shouldn't have to take this on. Our daughter shouldn't!

I know... Just wait. He'll stop eventually. I guess then he'll be a detransitioner and I'll be forced to celebrate that too? Sigh. If I sound a bit angry and tired, it's because I am... Sorry for the long rant. I just have very few people to talk to that can relate.

I’m sorry you are also left in this horrid spot of having to “celebrate” someone who was abusive. I feel your anger also and it is justified. These men destroyed our lives and are doing their best to mess up our kids lives and they are somehow out on a pedestal for it. It is total bullshit.

I wouldn’t let mine take the mommy title. I put my foot down there. When he tried I just said Daddy just have been mistaken because I’m your mommy. But since daddy keeps changing names I can see how it would be confusing and if Daddy wants you to use the new first name that’s up to Daddy. But Daddy is not Mommy! Silly Daddy that’s my name!

Thank you for the support! So, here's the rub... Our daughter is three. At one she stopped talking it took me about a year to get her into speech therapy. I don't know how it works in other areas but in the states sometimes it takes awhile to get help.

She didn't start calling me "ma," until she was about two and a half. Later it changed to "ma ma." Now, it's whatever Ma, Mommy, Momma... Makes me smile when I hear it.

Her biological father started demanding that she call him "Mommy, ma ma, Mom, Mother..." Every variation... He started referring to his boyfriend as "Daddy," around her at the age of one. I brought this issue up to my speech therapist and they basically said that if I try to change it, it might confuse her even more...

Fast forward to now and she's three and she just got back from her bio father's where she spent 50 consecutive days. Now she says, "I have two mommies!" And talks about, "my other momma." And calls her bio dad's boyfriend "daddy." Obviously, she was taught this and it wasn't a natural occurrence.

Even though my ex can chose to visit he doesn't. We live 1000+ miles away from each other. So, I do allow for the occasional phone call. Our child is so confused because it isn't video so she says, "Oh hi Daddy." Because my ex's voice is still deep and hasn't changed despite him going on and on about being on hormones. He corrected her and said, "It's mommy!"

I'm looking into therapy for our child but the waiting list is over a year long. So... I just don't know what to do. She's already very confused and I don't want to confuse her even more. She's only three.

Plus, I have to be very careful about the subject. Again, I don't know how it is in different areas but the family court system in the states is terrible. If I teach her to reject his pronouns and what not I could end up losing her. However, if I wait six months I can file to modify custody so that he has less contact if he continues to not have physical contact with her. It's a coin toss though and honestly depends on the judge. I could go on and on about how bad the system is... But I'd make one very, very long post. Short answer, victims of domestic violence are not protected here and in family court abusers gain custody all the time.

I feel you totally there and I’m also in the states. I wouldn’t recommend you deny pronouns or teach her any differently in your case. That doesn’t mean you need to refer to her as mommy. Maybe just start referring to her as whatever the new first name is. “Mommy is so happy you are home! Did you have a nice visit with Jane?”. I don’t see how that could be seen as not being gender confirming.

My child is 9 so wasn’t going to make this change without me being on board. So my ex is Daddy with she/her pronouns if my kid remembers. I will not correct pronouns but my ex will. I let my child say whatever. Sometimes he calls me he and I don’t get butt hurt so not sure why my ex should! I try myself to avoid the use of pronouns all together. I use the first name. Think of it as a game. How can you rearrange your sentences to refrain from pronoun uses.

Family court I’m paying mine support to masquerade around even though he works full time and I have slightly more than 50%. My state thinks I should supplement her income. So I get that travesty. Document everything. Don’t be hostile in text ever. See if you can get legal financial help. A lawyer helps. I’m playing this wait and refile game also. Get on all the therapy lists you can. Try for an occupational therapist. Don’t expect they will support you in custody but it shows you are the more custodial parent. Is Dad trying?

Suggest to the speech therapist that the names are seemingly confusing. Ask her if she has worked with other “modern” families and if they perhaps picked new names for the transitioning parent. Maddie is common. Close to Daddy and a feminine name also. This new Daddy sounds like a stranger. When she is in therapy suggest to the therapist you are concerned about using the name Daddy for men who continue to disappear from your child’s life. What happens when Dad moves on from him. He is nothing to her. Maybe he needs a new name so she doesn’t associate daddy with a man who comes in and out of her life at will? Remember when dealing with professionals keep any statements about your feelings out. They don’t need to know. Only interests about your child.

I do call him "your other parent," as much as possible. He hates it and says that I am abusing our child by not using a female pronoun. He has changed his name but not legally. I also use, "they," sometimes. Our daughter does know who I am talking about but it took some time.

She does call him "mommy," or "momma," but the issue is that I can't start calling him "daddy," because he's already filled that position with someone who will most likely not be around for long.

She doesn't have a speech therapist anymore. They've determined that she's no longer stunted and she's made great progress. I am very proud of her. I did talk to her speech therapist during and she said that it's best to let him call himself whatever and she can figure it out for herself. Kinda sucks but... It does mean less confusion right now.

Although, you're right... With each new partner he changes himself. It will be very confusing for her and there's nothing I can do about it but to be stable, strong, document, and keep trying to find her a therapist.

So... He has two other kids with two other women. I only knew about one, he obviously lied. He owes a crap load of child support to all three of us but the OAG doesn't seem to care. Specially, because he's a veteran. During our relationship he used the excuse of having PTSD for everything. I mean, everything. He's never met one of them and hasn't seen the other in over eight years.

Our child? He did take the 50 day extended summer but before that it was 5 and a half months before he saw her. He refuses to take the monthly visitations calling them "not feasible." He might call her once in a great while but for the most part he just messages me and attempts to bother me. It's never been about our child.

Also, oh so... You do know the pain and agony of this f'ed up court system. Yeah, it's both sad and infuriating.

I wish I didn’t know the pain but I totally am living it with you! Know you are not alone. And your daughter knows who her real Momma is!

Document every missed visit. Do not deviate from the order. He missed his time and wants make up? If it isn’t in the order too bad so sad. Learn grey rocking. No reaction to your ex at all. Learn a poker face. He thrives on attention and reaction if anything like mine. No reaction to him. He is a coworker. A shitty one you wouldn’t have dinner with. Professional and reaction-less I’ve found is making mine less interested in parenting? What he really wants is taking something from me. So I don’t let him see I care. It takes a toll but it is a long game!! Yours has an issue with something just don’t react. Only interaction is coparenting. Shows the crazy if they are the only ones reacting.

Mine came to second grade trick or treat at school dressed like a sexy witch. I was the only one who didn’t react. 😳

Thank you so much! You are so not alone either! I am right here. Finally, I've found someone dealing with the same BS... In DV circles they can only relate so much and then I run into the issues of people not understanding or judging me.

Yeah, I was yellow rock for sometime. Then I went grey rock. I get the occasional out of the blue poke from him once a week or so. I mostly ignore it. During the beginning I did react a bit emotionally but it was never insulting to him or anything like that. More like, this is what you did to me and I don't want you doing it to our child.

I rarely ever react now and if I do it's one of those unemotional canned responses. "Our experiences are different." Or, "You and I both know that's not true." I don't even use, "Your attempt to paint me in a negative light has been noted," anymore. I just ignore it.

Still sucks though... I may not be reacting to him but it still gets to me. Every chance he gets he shoves the trans issue in my face, even when I've said, "Oh you're legally changing your name? And getting married? Well congratulations. Please let me know when the legal name is valid. Thank you and have a wonderful week." Yeah, he blew up at me about a week later. He keeps trying to shove a book Pink is for boys in my face and that our child might be part of the LGBTQIA+ community. And I'm like... "Um, she's going to be whomever she wants and I will love her always."

He's really careful about the way he speaks though, always roaming around the point never actually saying it. Unless he's insulting me. I follow the orders to the letter and this makes him angry. He's even said that we don't have to go by the judge's orders. I'm just documenting and doing what I can. He gets turkey day this year and if he doesn't decide to take that I might file. It has to be at least six months of very limited or no contact.

Dude! Okay... First, you... Are... So... F'ing... Strong! I don't know how I could handle that situation and NOT react. In a sexy cat suit? Whut? Second, out of pure curiosity does your ex pass at all? Mine doesn't. If he does actually dress up to pass he looks like he's wearing drag. Before I moved out of state with our daughter he showed up at her daycare. All of the staff was more than shocked.

So, he has a habit of not wearing underwear. One of the reasons why I know he's not on hormones is because he's actually said, "E makes your D*K smaller and I'd hate that. I wanna be a chick with a big D*K." He wears skin tight woman's leggings. Ever see the Labyrinth? I'm just gonna link it here...

That's what it looks like. And a man's tank top or cropped t-shirt but he is thick. Has broad shoulders and is pretty stocky. He doesn't even try. Slaps cover up on his face and maybe some lip gloss with a full two days growth of facial hair.

Mine doesn’t pass either!! Not even slightly. He is taking hormones so he sprouted some buds but he was 40 and balding when he started. He looks like an unkempt homeless man in drag. And he has decided yellow is is color!! Yellow!! So he looks like a lemon or a fat banana normally. Back to school night he made an appearance (very late thankfully). Was wearing yellow stilettos, a sequined yellow tank top and a yellow skirt (also cannot cross those legs omg). I need to take up poker I swear I had 0 reaction. The school put up a “all families welcome” pride flag in the window for us… Principal gave it a little point like “hey, did you see our sign”. I was dying inside but my face showed a smile.

But you are right I am internally reacting. I hate him more than I have ever hated anyone in my entire life for what he is doing! I have no problem with adults doing what they want but I have issue where someone else’s right to expression infringes on my Child’s right to a semi-normal childhood! I’m trying to let it out where he can get 0 satisfaction (here). He wants me to be uncomfortable. And I totally am, everyone is, but I appear to be so ok with this so if a court were to analyze my actions I’m clean.

it helps to know there are others. You are right I don’t fit in elsewhere in other support areas. This is the closest even if it isn’t US based. Feel free to reach out via pm if you would like to chat. I think those of us who have gone through this are sone of the only ones who can truly understand it.

Your ex using ptsd to excuse actions too I’m sorry but what a piece of shit! I have ptsd (child sexual Assault) and while it influences me it’s never made me abusive and I’d never use it as an excuse for shitty behavior. It embarrassing more than anything for me!

I have been married for almost 11 years and we have been together for almost 13 years. We have 1 child in common and we both have children from prevoius relationships. We live in Scandinavia.

I have found me in a reality I no longer want to be part of. It first started with him wanting to have anal sex (he was the one penetrated with a dildo). Then it slided to him wearing my underwear during sex ”because if you don’t put on sexy underwear, I will”.

I think I’m quite open minded so I didn’t think much of it until he told me he was turned on by wearing womens clothes. It felt weard when he started to buy womens clothes online and using my make-up but I just thought I had to suck it up and be more open-minded.

In the store he would put make-up in the shopping basket and ask me to pay for it (we have different accounts, he would take some of my purchases and pay for it instead), then some underwear, then more women-stuff. I didn’t feel comfortable but didn’t want to make a scene in front of the children. I was the one making it legit so that no-one knew it was for him.

This summer he bought a nightdress (he now has the courage to pay for his women-stuff) and wore it a few nights. It felt uncomfortable for me sleeping next to him. He told me that he no longer got turned on by the clothes, it just felt more comfortable.

There is shaving (I dont like shaved male legs, I want them hairy). He is now sleeping in his nightdress and underpants every night locking the door to our bedroom so that the children won’t come in and see him dressed like that. And if he accidently leaves his tranny clothes to be found he can always say that they are mine. What do (or did) you tell your children if they found something you would never put on? Let them belive it’s your slutty clothes or just tell them they aren’t yours?

Over the years I have slowly being pushed in to a role I don’t want, I don’t see myself as how he descibes me. He talks about me as a husbandwife, meaning I have masculine appearance, that I’m not acting female enough (I don’t wear make up every day because I’m working from home, I wear high heals only randomly on occasion). He says I’m the head of the family when everything is still about him and his oppinions and that he gets to decide (can the girls bake, home-coming times etc). I’m a woman, I like being one. And I hoped for a relationship where man and woman were equal. He has no understanding why I don’t feel ok with this whole sh*t.

And then it hit me last week. I really, really don’t want this and I don’t need to take it. I don’t want a man in womens clothes sleeping next to me. I feel like he’s locking me in every night when he locks the door and changes his clothes. He has forced me to silence because I can’t talk to others about this, it’s his secret. I feel my heart racing in the evening and have the feeling that I can’t breathe. I know, anxiety (have a doctor’s appontment booked).

I got out on the web and nowhere to be found was the support for us who don’t want to stay married. Only stories about how everyone lives happily ever after in these new roles. Was I the ONLY one who didn’t want to stay married!?

I wasn’t. I found you.

So I have a plan. I’m going on a trip next week without my husband. After that I will tell him that I want a divorce and take it from there. It won’t be easy selling the house and moving apart (or living together when not being together, we need to sell first to afford to move), but I need space. I need to be able to breath. And sleep without locked doors.

I don’t know how he will react. By anger or by tears. I don’t know if he will make this house selling easy or hard. I asume he won’t do a thing and forcing me to do all the practical work because he doesn’t want to live in an apartment and he can’t afford a house by his own. So I bet it will be a long, hard and cold winter.

I would like to know, did you tell any of your friends that your men cross-dressed and how did you cope with the secret you were forced into? Is it ok to say to your friends why you are getting a divorce or is it his little secret you have to carry with him?