Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass

If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:

Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

I’m so sorry to read your story. I’m the mother of one of these men and my heart breaks for the wives going through this pain. It is completely heartbreaking for you. I can only say that your pain will ease when you separate and you start to move on. What I’ve found is, I’m getting used to the situation so it’s not so awful.

I have three grandchildren and I’ve been so worried about them but actually they’re doing ok. Their mother has moved away to be closer to her parents, which has helped things. Sending much love and strength. ❤️💪

Thanks @Groutyonehereagain I'm pleased that things are working out for your family, especially the grand kids. They are the most important in all of this.
I can see a positive future for myself and the kids. I'm hopeful that we can still co-parent amicably. He is my best friend. I just feel like I am holding a hand grenade and about to pull the pin and completely change everything for the four of us.
I know it is actually he who has changed everything, but at no point has he said (as I think I would have if roles were reversed): I understand if this means we can't go on as a couple. I feel he has unfairly put the onus on me.

You must put yourself and your kids first. He will get endless support from the trans community, whereas the families are left floundering. After years of being a couple I know it’s very difficult for you to step away from caring about him but this is what you have to do. Bluntly, he’s no longer your best friend. He’s putting yourself and his kids through hell. I’m sorry you’re facing this.

He is the one responsible for changing everything, not you. When my son first declared he was a transwoman he thought he could just carry on living in the family home but in the spare room. These men are delusional about the situation they have caused.

Thanks for your kind words and yes to the delusion! He seems to think we can continue like this indefinitely. He says nothing has changed as he hasn't transitioned (yet?) and is reluctant to go about in public dressed as a woman. He feels trapped and cries about it most days.
We have hardly talked about it really. I think I'm still processing everything he has told me. Every couple of weeks there's another revelation. I'm frustrated with myself at not having had the break up conversation already, although I have hinted as much.
For me, everything has changed. We haven't been physical since it's all come out other than hugs and he did kiss me recently and it just felt so weird and so wrong. Like he was playing the part of a woman. But he is not a woman. I'm not attracted to him anymore. It's like we are housemates with kids. All the plans I thought we had for the future are just gone. Total headf*ck.

All these years doing this and it still infuriates me how women like us have been stitched up by this ideology. In any similar situation, I bet you wouldn't hesitate to seek advice from close friends and family, but in this situation you have to worry about "outing" him. Its a clever way of keeping control, and its in no way like the origins of the phrase with gay people, as nobody these days is going to beat him up or remove his children from him. I remember being in exactly the same situation.

You should seek support from trusted friends and family like he has. Its the only way of getting through this. And you don't have to be supportive of him, again remove the trans identification and nobody would expect it of you.

I don't think there is any easy way to break up, or any easy way to have these conversations. You can't and shouldn't feel you have to make it easy for him. I broke the news by putting the house on the market, but this strategy might not be for every one!

Imagine a future when you are no longer his support human and he is unable to make increasingly unreasonable demands on you. Its a far better future than the alternative, I can assure you.

Your kids will be confused but I don't see how you can help that. Modelling boundaries for them does help I think.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but you will be OK 💐

God your description of him is infuriating. Moping around and crying over something that is entirely his fault. If he feels trapped maybe he should fuck off. (Sorry I have a great deal of sympathy for you and your children and zero for him).

This dynamic you describe of increasingly regular revelations is hugely detrimental to your mental health. It keeps you in fight or flight all the time. When I was there my physical health started to suffer as a result.

What you describe about him playing the part of the woman is something that many trans widows describe their exes doing, particularly in the bedroom (less so with the house work and the childcare of course) and it is hugely emotionally damaging.

Thanks @TinselAngel . A lot of what you say strikes a chord with me. I actually told a friend yesterday. She knew some of it (the autism and depression) but not the trans stuff.
She encouraged me to look at the positives and maybe even use that in explaining my position to him. That is, that separating will be better for all of us. He will have space to do whatever, and the kids and I will have peace and, as you note, be out of this fight or flight cycle.
It's just gathering the courage now to have the conversation. Thanks for your comments and support, it makes me feel like I have a small but mighty army behind me. 😘

I’m glad you feel that way as I appreciate these days my advice can be quite robust.

Hi @IndigoRising26
I did start out trying for an amicable and civil break.
I said I needed time to decide what this announcement meant for me, which sowed the seeds that I might not stay.
I absolutely had to tell friends and family as I'm the kind of person that solves my problems that way. I'd choose a few trusted people to tell and get their support. You could also speak to a counsellor or even Samaritans if you're in the UK. They can listen and you don't have to be suicidal or in crisis to just talk about a problem.
I'd think about the time and place you want to tell him, including thinking about your teens at that time. And decide to do it. You can be calm and reasonable. It might be worth thinking through your legal/financial/housing options and decisions first too so that you can lay out to him how this might work.
So arguing why you aren't staying is fairly straightforward. You can reassure that you want an amicable break, co-parenting etc but its a deal breaker for you.
I wonder if you're worrying that his low mood means you'll be putting him at risk some way, or isolating him? He is unlikely to have reached this point without internet research where he will have found a vast world of support.
You might want to tell his parents first, if you have a good relationship, so that they can support him.
You talk about needing courage to do this. Are you worried he will be angry? Hold on to the core truth that he has the hand grenade in his hand, not you. My ex blew our lives apart. I then divorced him and it broke up the family but the responsibility belongs to these men, not the women trying to hold everyone together as the bomb goes off.

Thanks @socialworker222 . I didn't realise that the Samaritans can help with non-crisis stuff. I found out today that I can get some counselling through my work possibly so I may do that. I've found that Citizen's Advice can offer practical advice on separation (we are not married) so I plan to make an appointment with them.
I do wonder/worry how the news is going to go down. He is very depressed at the moment and potentially about to lose his job. I have asked him if he thinks about harming himself and he says no, but I do worry about that.
On the other hand, he can be unreasonable. Not violent, but not great at seeing things from someone else's point of view. He seems to think my love for him should be unconditional and I expect him to be quite surprised when I tell him that actually it's a deal breaker.
I think you're right, I just need to pick my moment and say it quite plainly. I don't want to get dragged into a debate with him and give him an opportunity to later throw back things that I have said, completely taken out of context.
I do get on with his family and I have wondered about giving them a heads up. His Mum seems very confused but his Dad has reached out to me offering support. Maybe worth a word with his Dad. My own parents don't know the full story, but they would have my back if I just told them we are separating.
I'm sorry to hear you say your ex blew your lives apart and divided the family. That sounds incredibly difficult. Like you, I am aiming for an amicable split but, also like you I suspect, I will be able to get through it if things go sideways. I hope you are doing really well now.
It's quite freeing, this gradual letting go and ignoring his drama.
I keep daydreaming about how easy life is going to be when I just have me and the kids to worry about. I mean, I know it won't be a picnic (especially financially), but honestly just being able to dump all his emotional baggage is going to feel incredible.

It’s usually us that have to pull the plug. I’m not really sure why. They tend to assume we will put up with it and accept an entirely changed relationship, wholly on their terms.