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Feminism: Sex & gender discussions

Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

174 replies

TinselAngel · 24/08/2023 22:30

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

  1. You are not alone
  2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
  3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.


Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass



If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:



Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

Behind The Looking Glass - Teaser - Lime Soda Films Feature-Length Documentary

Watch our fundraiser teaser here: https://youtu.be/dH4XQ6Ie8O0Support our project: www.limesodafilms.com/donateLime Soda Films' upcoming film titled Behind T...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhAlvw_kAHs

OP posts:
TinselAngel · 04/11/2023 21:25

Can you stick to the letter of the custody agreement? (ie don't allow longer periods) It's up to him if he doesn't take the weekends up.

OP posts:
Mommyisnotsilent · 04/11/2023 21:32

TinselAngel · 04/11/2023 21:25

Can you stick to the letter of the custody agreement? (ie don't allow longer periods) It's up to him if he doesn't take the weekends up.

Yup, this is what I do. I stick to the final agreement when ever possible. There have been times in the past before the final was signed that I made the mistake of allowing changes and it blew back in my face. You give and inch and they take six miles sort of thing.

TinselAngel · 04/11/2023 21:33

If he only turns up occasionally then his influence on your daughter will hopefully be pretty limited.

OP posts:
socialworker222 · 05/11/2023 18:28

ImNotWorthy · 04/11/2023 17:45

I wasn't derailing, I was on topic. I was trained to challenge prejudice as part of becoming a CAB worker, no matter who it was I had to challenge. I was not policing the thread - nobody can, except MN. I still don't understand people's thoughts, thoughConfused

@TinselAngel this is a great thread. I'll relurk. ArchersTardis

To hopefully help you understand, this is a safe place for people in a vulnerable and isolated position to speak their experience and receive support.  Women will not feel safe seeking support in a place where a self-declared 'transgender rights advocate' posts. It's very simple and a matter of respect and sensitivity.

socialworker222 · 05/11/2023 18:34

Sorry to hear this Mommy. You are and always will be her only mother. It is ironic that the asserting of a whole new made-up identity includes taking yours. Hold on to the fact that you are there, you are bringing her up, kids work this stuff out and your health and wellbeing and life, and your daughter's, matter more than any of his idiocy. However exhausting do keep records of his contact.

Delphinium20 · 05/11/2023 19:58

@Mommyisnotsilent

I don't have personal experience as a trans widow but I do have loads of experience as a mom :). First off, you ARE her only mommy. No amount of word games will change that. When she goes to school, it will be obvious to her that the women are her friends' moms and she will have comfort knowing you are her mom just like her friends' moms. Of course, schools are captured so an activist teacher or a busybody parent may try to mess with her, but parents need to be vigilant for more than just trans ideology and I would be prepared for this. It comes with the territory. So, I would continue doing what you are doing, "I am your mommy. Daddy is being silly. I love you. Mommies are women, Daddies are men." Keep it simple, say it confidently and don't punish her when or if she fights you on this because she's trying to figure out her place in a world of contradictions. She's been put in a terrible position by her father and your best defense is love and confidence that you are her only mommy and you will always be there for her. Kids need stability and continuity and at some point, maybe not until she has kids of her own, she will realize who her good and stable parent is. Hang in here. 3 is tough age and their power struggles have to be met with patient (and omg is that difficult at times!) loving consistency.

Delphinium20 · 05/11/2023 20:02

I forgot to add that most kids figure out who the crappy parent is around age 12/13. He will do this on his own. You just have to be the source of consistent love and structure.

Chariothorses · 05/11/2023 20:51

Just delurking to agree with @Delphinium20. We realise when

  • he fails to respect our privacy, in public & private, as teens, as he's 'a girl too'
  • we get fed up of his unending nasty comments about you (and women generally) -we'll still shout at you tho as -well you're our mum!

And a word of advice- don't try and force daughters to have unsupervised visits with dads if they are reluctant, or avoid telling the truth as you want to protect them. In the long term, it won't help your relationship with us.
(will now go back to occasional lurking!)
nauticant · 05/11/2023 21:18

Vaishnavi Sundar was a guest on tonight's Free Speech Nation on GB News talking about her film about trans widows:

(the link goes directly to her segment starting shortly before the 28 minute point)
Mommyisnotsilent · 06/11/2023 04:36

Thank you everyone for your support... I guess I am grasping at how to deal with all of this. On top of the abuse I endured and continue to endure I feel the need to fight to not be replaced as our child's mother. For legal reasons, I can't use images... I refuse to speak over the phone, written media is best for many reasons. It's kinda hard to gaslight someone when it's right there in black and white...

We have two recognized Holidays Thanksgiving and Christmas. Every other year we switch off. He gets Thanksgiving this year. Of course, he's going to attempt to ignore the written final orders and do as he pleases and attempt to manipulate me. He always demands for way more time when he does intend to take her for a Holiday but again doesn't utilize regular visitation.

I reply like I usually do with the correct times and dates for visitation. With very little emotion. I'm cordial. He then says that he will be picking her up from her daycare and that they won't mind her other mother picking her up. Then he says that he has attempted to give me peace while he recovers and that he will always be her mother and will never stop being her mother, and I can't stop him.

She doesn't go to daycare, she goes to prek. He never asks about her. He says he is recovering from what? Who knows probably another lie to cover up the fact that he has the capability to speak to our daughter over the phone and hasn't for over a month. It wouldn't be the first time he has lied about some mythological illness or procedure.

Yeah, he would show up at her school. When we lived in the same state he did. She was in an early education program and the staff were a bit spooked. Nope, it wasn't during his visitation time either. He doesn't pass at all I don't think he even tries. It's more manipulation and control... But this is why I struggle I guess... The final does state that I have sole decision on education.

He doesn't care about our child... He's in deep arrears with child support. BTW, the child support system in America is terrible too. Next month he will owe over 8k. I wish he would get bored already and go find a new hobby.

I'm actively trying to find a therapist for my child. There's over a year long waiting list. I can't take him back to court unless he disappears for at least six months and even then they may not do anything. Five and a half months is the longest he's gone.

I am part of some groups that support survivors of domestic abuse forced to co-parent and deal with court and post separation abuse but this transgender thing, feeling that he is literally attempting to replace me as her mother, is beyond their understanding.

If you've made it this far into my ramblings thank you, if you haven't and skimmed until this last sentence I don't blame you... It's a lot...

socialworker222 · 07/11/2023 19:54

We get it, to differing degrees. So sorry about child support. He sounds as wrapped up in himself as many of our exes are, and selectively dipping into parenthood as it suits him. Being civil and clear and keeping records is really important and will help you feel more in control. The older kids get the more they see things as they are. I'm just sorry that the systems around you are so woefully inadequate.

ImNotWorthy · 08/11/2023 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TinselAngel · 08/11/2023 21:22

To me, in my innocent naivety,

Next time do your research before butting in on a support thread.

OP posts:
TinselAngel · 08/11/2023 21:24

Mommyisnotsilent · 06/11/2023 04:36

Thank you everyone for your support... I guess I am grasping at how to deal with all of this. On top of the abuse I endured and continue to endure I feel the need to fight to not be replaced as our child's mother. For legal reasons, I can't use images... I refuse to speak over the phone, written media is best for many reasons. It's kinda hard to gaslight someone when it's right there in black and white...

We have two recognized Holidays Thanksgiving and Christmas. Every other year we switch off. He gets Thanksgiving this year. Of course, he's going to attempt to ignore the written final orders and do as he pleases and attempt to manipulate me. He always demands for way more time when he does intend to take her for a Holiday but again doesn't utilize regular visitation.

I reply like I usually do with the correct times and dates for visitation. With very little emotion. I'm cordial. He then says that he will be picking her up from her daycare and that they won't mind her other mother picking her up. Then he says that he has attempted to give me peace while he recovers and that he will always be her mother and will never stop being her mother, and I can't stop him.

She doesn't go to daycare, she goes to prek. He never asks about her. He says he is recovering from what? Who knows probably another lie to cover up the fact that he has the capability to speak to our daughter over the phone and hasn't for over a month. It wouldn't be the first time he has lied about some mythological illness or procedure.

Yeah, he would show up at her school. When we lived in the same state he did. She was in an early education program and the staff were a bit spooked. Nope, it wasn't during his visitation time either. He doesn't pass at all I don't think he even tries. It's more manipulation and control... But this is why I struggle I guess... The final does state that I have sole decision on education.

He doesn't care about our child... He's in deep arrears with child support. BTW, the child support system in America is terrible too. Next month he will owe over 8k. I wish he would get bored already and go find a new hobby.

I'm actively trying to find a therapist for my child. There's over a year long waiting list. I can't take him back to court unless he disappears for at least six months and even then they may not do anything. Five and a half months is the longest he's gone.

I am part of some groups that support survivors of domestic abuse forced to co-parent and deal with court and post separation abuse but this transgender thing, feeling that he is literally attempting to replace me as her mother, is beyond their understanding.

If you've made it this far into my ramblings thank you, if you haven't and skimmed until this last sentence I don't blame you... It's a lot...

I think if he's not seeing her very often, and you keep things reality based, she will grow up knowing full well who her mother is, no matter what he tries to tell her.

OP posts:
ImNotWorthy · 08/11/2023 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 08/11/2023 21:37

@ImNotWorthy read the room, this thread is not about you, and continuing to derail it, as well as your astonishingly crass "intervention" on behalf of a man is starting to look quite suspect.

TinselAngel · 08/11/2023 21:45

And now I am banished for ever....for acting in good faith, thinking the best of people till I am proved wrong, and having an open mind.
No you are banished for calling a group of abused women prejudiced against men like their abusers. Desist. You are making a fool of yourself and will put trans widows off posting on this support thread.

You're the second poster this week to be disappointed with me having boundaries. It's still not going to stop me protecting the women on this thread.

OP posts:
ImNotWorthy · 08/11/2023 23:09

Right back at you.

You vilified me for nothing. I did nothing wrong. I acted in a principled way. I explained as clearly as I could. Rather unfairly, I thought, you deflected your anger at the other poster onto me.

If you want to know more about me, then you should AS the name Sequential Analyst, where you will find many current posts on many different topics.
Unfortunately, I was stuck with this name on this thread because I posted with a temporary name change, which had nothing to do with this thread.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 08/11/2023 23:18

If you cared about the women on this thread, you would listen to Tinsel when she states her firm boundaries, rather than derail the thread with this self justifying screed. So I question why you are continuing to post @ImNotWorthy

LarkLane · 08/11/2023 23:34

@ImNotWorthy Women come to this dedicated thread for support and help. The specific purpose of these long running threads has been explained to you several times. Please engage your brain, stop derailing, and let women be supported.

ImNotWorthy · 09/11/2023 02:35

This reply has been deleted

This post has been removed as it's derailing and undermining the purpose of this thread .

JustStopItPlease · 09/11/2023 02:41

@ImNotWorthy Please stop, this thread is not your soapbox.

GAHgamel · 09/11/2023 05:51

@ImNotWorthy you are perfectly entitled to assert your boundaries, but not on this thread. Start a thread along the lines of "The recent kerfuffle on the Transwidows thread" and we can discuss it over there, and leave this thread for its specified purpose. And so as not to be a hypocrite, I'm butting out of here now.

socialworker222 · 10/11/2023 23:13

Do you have supportive people around you Mommy? Friends and family? I found it very helpful to have people around who saw the self-absorption and delusion and reminded me that my position was reasonable and that I was a strong decent parent. I hope you're connected and have some back-up?

TinselAngel · 10/11/2023 23:27

socialworker222 · 10/11/2023 23:13

Do you have supportive people around you Mommy? Friends and family? I found it very helpful to have people around who saw the self-absorption and delusion and reminded me that my position was reasonable and that I was a strong decent parent. I hope you're connected and have some back-up?

It also helps reinforce reality for your children.

OP posts:
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