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Feminism: Sex & gender discussions

Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

174 replies

TinselAngel · 24/08/2023 22:30

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

  1. You are not alone
  2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
  3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.


Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass



If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:



Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

Behind The Looking Glass - Teaser - Lime Soda Films Feature-Length Documentary

Watch our fundraiser teaser here: https://youtu.be/dH4XQ6Ie8O0Support our project: www.limesodafilms.com/donateLime Soda Films' upcoming film titled Behind T...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhAlvw_kAHs

OP posts:
socialworker222 · 24/09/2023 20:23

ineedsomuchhelp · 24/09/2023 16:34

Prior to this we had a great relationship. He was the "perfect" husband.

I feel so fucking destroyed but he's making me feel like I'm at fault for doing so.

So sorry to hear this. It's devastating. You may need to accept that right now you won't get answers from him as he's probably entirely self-absorbed and consumed by his new life.
So this is about you and what you want and need. You could ask him for a proper conversation where you lay out your feelings and questions. But he may disappoint and it sounds like right now he isn't open to any challenge or hearing your side.
I'm not surprised you're constantly distressed. His behaviour is intolerable.
It sounds as if you've spent these months trying to talk to him, but getting nowhere. I'd say that might be long enough to get a sense that he isn't prepared to compromise, discuss properly or hear you. But you're still hoping this can be solved.
Many of us on here have been in the same position and have walked away. Are you staying because you still have some hope that you can change this? And do you have children together?

ImNotWorthy · 24/09/2023 21:01

Transition seems to turn them into abusers. No amount of abuse is tolerable in any marriage.

Mine was a lazy cocklodger, and it took me years, and MN, to realise my poor mental health was down to emotional and finacial abuse. Unlike the pattern I see on this particular thread, he didn't change over night - it was me who gradually realised what had been actually been going on in my marriage for years.

But the principle is still the same.

ineedsomuchhelp · 24/09/2023 21:24

We've got two children, one at the end of secondary and one at the start.

If I had a magic wand I'd change the situation back, obviously. I could even just about cope with the changes he has made now...but it seems it's one thing after another and he's never going to stop. Apparently he has no idea how far he wants to take it and I just have to support him on his "journey" - which is a phrase that turns my stomach.

Whenever he talks about it (which isn't much as it results in so much tension) I just want to throw things as he sounds like a brainwashed teenager.

socialworker222 · 24/09/2023 21:47

I guess that is your dilemma. Whether to wait and see if he stops at a point you can tolerate, or whether to throw in the towel. The escalation seems inevitable and is a widespread experience sadly. He shows a profound lack of compassion or care for you (I'm wondering how your children are reacting, and whether he shows any concern or sensitivity towards them?). That can be the last straw for many of us. Regardless of their choices, the callousness and selfishness makes a longer term relationship impossible.

Awaitin · 25/09/2023 14:43

@ineedsomuchhelp I’m sorry to hear about your relationship! I hope you find help and support here. 

So my trip was great. I could breathe, I could sleep, I could eat. And back home everything went back to normal with all the stress and anxiety. I told my husband last Wednesday that I want a divorce. After that we have been living in a weird limbo where I need to leave him over and over again and he falls apart once again. I don’t know where he gets the idea that we can continue, I have tried to speak clearly about the divorce, selling the house and moving apart. It’s not just the cross-dressing, there’s a lot more issues of me feeling lonely, not being heard and doing most of things alone. 

About the cross-dressing he just said that it was ”for fun” and that it doesn’t matter, he can just stop. Why he thinks that he can just stop I haven’t figured out yet, because he himself said that it felt nice putting on women’s clothes and doing make up. He himself pointed out that he was transgender and now everything could go back to normal? I don’t think so. 

But sometimes we can have this very good connection and talk about the issues we have had. But there is so much that have gone wrong so I don’t know how we could rebuild anything. And then there is this cross-dressing. I just think he will promise whatever at this point. And then again I have to point out that we are going to have a divorce and he is panicing once again. And yet again, I don’t feel heard. In the past when I pointed out the things that made me unhappy, I wasn’t heard. Now, when I want a divorce, I’m not heard, he just focuses on getting things fixed. I need to stay strong for the children and support them, I need to support my husband so that we can get this freaking house on the market, and I don’t have the time to just breathe and think and process this whole thing. 

I wish you all strength! 

Transwidow987 · 25/09/2023 20:44

@Awaitin
I'm catching up with your story. Idk if it would be considered an addiction but it plays out like an addiction. They say they can stop, throw out all their stuff and then months later the urge creeps back in every time. It gets stronger as time goes on. Dr Blanchard said in an interview that it gets stronger the older they get.

Some times I do wonder if they were able to completely stop watching porn and fantasizing about anything having to do with this if they could stop. But the likelihood of any man quitting watching porn is very low and with these guys its nill I'm afraid.

I suggest you stick to what you need, don't play his games, think of it like an addiction that as of now we have no solutions for. He is going to try to negotiate like an addict and say he will stop but they just keep escalating as their brains need a bigger and bigger hit of the dopamine they get. I think they get it sexually and also nonsexually.

Focus on you and your future, there is no pulling them out of this. You can prolong it but what is the point in that? He is going to be upset. That is a normal part of divorce. You can't stop him from being upset about it, all you can do is save yourself and your children.

My ex purged and started again many times. He even said that he thought that I had cured him in the beginning. He is now living as a woman after swearing for 6 years he was just a cross dresser.

Transwidow987 · 25/09/2023 20:54

@ineedsomuchhelp
I think he is acting out a lesbian fantasy that a lot of them have from watching too much porn.

It could be that he is thinking about what sex would be like once he has bottom surgery, is trying to prepare you for it. Does he get an erection? Some times the estrogen and T blockers make it impossible unless they have a viagra. And he could be preparing for an inability to get it up in the future.

It could also be dysphoria although that isn't as common in these older AGP men who have decades of testosterone in their systems.

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

Many closeted spouses of all kinds are "perfect" to keep you distracted and bc they feel guilty. They know they are depriving you of so much and so they go over board in other areas to give a false sense of security.

ImNotWorthy · 25/09/2023 23:52

@Awaitin Some lovely MNer's on the Relationship Board finally got it through my head that You don't need his permission to divorce.

Once I had instructed my solicitor to actually start the ball rolling, my stress increased (especially as he turned even more nasty, refusing to co-operate!) but here's the thing:
At the same time, I immediately felt free, and my depression went away. Completely - although I then had to endure a further stressful year living under the same roof as him.

And since the moment that I committed to divorcing him, I have never again suffered the sort of depression that I experienced in my marriage.

(Hope you don't mind: I know your marriages differ from mine, of course.)

Transwidow987 · 26/09/2023 01:57

This is so true. You just do it. I always highly recommend getting out of the house if it makes sense legally because watching them transition is hell. And some of them do things like insist on wearing the same outfit you are wearing or changing clothes to match you, or buying what you buy. If you don't have to live together its so much better to live apart. And obviously you can work on yourself and not see their manipulations or be expected to deal with their feelings.

JenniferBooth · 26/09/2023 17:34
Transwidow987 · 26/09/2023 19:31

That looks like a set up, trying to go viral.

socialworker222 · 26/09/2023 22:44

Yes that looks staged...
Glad you got free Worthy. Divorce is usually fraught and very stressful but you can come through and out the other side 🙂

ImNotWorthy · 26/09/2023 23:11

@socialworker222
Only with the help of MN, who held my hand through the process on the Relationship Board. The threads from that time are still there Grin I was looking at them only the other day.

Btw, my current name is not to do with lack of self esteem, more to do with being a fan of Wayne's World Smile

Awaitin · 29/09/2023 13:30

I know I don’t need anyones consent for the divorce, but I’m glad it is pointed out. Sometimes I get so stucked with my thoughts so it’s good to hear those simple things. We are still getting the divorce and we are going to sell the house. I wish I had the resources to just move right now but it’s not possible to pay for 2 places. 

It would also be easier because then I would have the time to process things. Now it feel likes everything must be on a stand still and I can only focus on getting the house sold and moving. No time for thinking and reflecting. The goal is me and the girls in our new home. This is what I hang on to, and every time I have doubts or feel tired, I just focus on that.

I don’t know what is better, a husband who is crying, mad or just focused on getting the relationship to work. Now it feels like I’m breaking up over and over again because he will get his hopes up, and I always point out to him that we are getting a divorce, nothing has changed. 

The cross-dressing still bothers me. He (of course) promised to never do that again. But as it has been pointed out here, and as I have pointed out to him last week, it’s like an alcoholic who swears not to drink again. Still the issue remains. This isn’t something that started last week, happened 2 times during sex. This has been going on for years. Started with sexy underwear in bed, then came the make up, then came the shopping for his own female clothes and own make up. And the shaving came along as well. Then he started to wear female underware sometimes during the day, then the female t-shirts that almost can go for male t-shirts. And he pointed out he’s transgender, female clothes makes him feel more comfortable and he started sleeping in female night dress. He also pointed out he wanted to grow long hair. (Sorry, I need to point out to myself all he said and did). 

Now he says that the cross dressing was just for fun and to add spice to our sex life. Now he says that the female clothes in some way turned him on and denies that ”they were just comfortable”. He says that he has thought that a regular sex life indicated in his mind that the relationship was good and that’s why he felt that it was important that we had sex every week. Now he can say that he wasn’t in the mood all the time but the female clothes was a way to turn him on a long time before the actual thing. He says that the female clothes makes him anguished and he can’t wear them, that he won’t wear them if I don’t ask him to or if he will have another relationship, his partner will ask him to wear them. He pointed out that he has had long hait before (true, because he was too lazy to go to get his hair cut), and he wanted to change hair style. In the past, when we met, it was very important to have short hair and always the same hair cut. Now he eill have his hair cut. Then he pointed out that he hadn’t been cross-dressing his whole life and if he would be transgender, which he now denies, he would have thought about it more early than when he was over 40. 

This is very tireing. That is my number one feeling. Tired. But I will get trough this. This will pass, too.

TinselAngel · 29/09/2023 18:17

Then he started to wear female underware sometimes during the day, then the female t-shirts that almost can go for male t-shirts.

This is very familiar to me.

If you moved out and rented, could you claim housing benefit to start with? That's what I did.

OP posts:
Transwidow987 · 29/09/2023 18:31

"He says that he has thought that a regular sex life indicated in his mind that the relationship was good and that’s why he felt that it was important that we had sex every week. Now he can say that he wasn’t in the mood all the time but the female clothes was a way to turn him on a long time before the actual thing"

This is the epitome of Autogynephilia. That's how my ex was, it was like he was doing his time trying to keep the once a week up because that's what was expected. Not because he desired me.

My heart breaks for you. He sounds like he is going to say anything to get you to stay and as of now we have no way to treat AGP. And as long as they are online getting their fill of trans porn and God knows what else they are going to keep escalating. Maybe even without the internet.

Dr. Blanchard doesn't even have a clue how to stop it and he is an expert.

Transwidow987 · 29/09/2023 19:35

@Awaitin do you mind if I use that quote above in an article I'm doing? I won't say where its from. Right now I have about 14 followers so its probably only going to be read by 20 people anyway. If not that's SO OK. We all need to keep our boundaries up.

ImNotWorthy · 29/09/2023 20:40

@Awaitin
He says that he has thought that a regular sex life indicated in his mind that the relationship was good and that’s why he felt that it was important that we had sex every week. 

All about him, I notice. As long as he fucks you regularly the relationship is good? About as good a relationship as that between a teenage boy and his wank sock.

Nothing about you, and no inkling that you might not agree with his definition of what indicates a "good relationship."

socialworker222 · 29/09/2023 21:28

Awaitin · 29/09/2023 13:30

I know I don’t need anyones consent for the divorce, but I’m glad it is pointed out. Sometimes I get so stucked with my thoughts so it’s good to hear those simple things. We are still getting the divorce and we are going to sell the house. I wish I had the resources to just move right now but it’s not possible to pay for 2 places. 

It would also be easier because then I would have the time to process things. Now it feel likes everything must be on a stand still and I can only focus on getting the house sold and moving. No time for thinking and reflecting. The goal is me and the girls in our new home. This is what I hang on to, and every time I have doubts or feel tired, I just focus on that.

I don’t know what is better, a husband who is crying, mad or just focused on getting the relationship to work. Now it feels like I’m breaking up over and over again because he will get his hopes up, and I always point out to him that we are getting a divorce, nothing has changed. 

The cross-dressing still bothers me. He (of course) promised to never do that again. But as it has been pointed out here, and as I have pointed out to him last week, it’s like an alcoholic who swears not to drink again. Still the issue remains. This isn’t something that started last week, happened 2 times during sex. This has been going on for years. Started with sexy underwear in bed, then came the make up, then came the shopping for his own female clothes and own make up. And the shaving came along as well. Then he started to wear female underware sometimes during the day, then the female t-shirts that almost can go for male t-shirts. And he pointed out he’s transgender, female clothes makes him feel more comfortable and he started sleeping in female night dress. He also pointed out he wanted to grow long hair. (Sorry, I need to point out to myself all he said and did). 

Now he says that the cross dressing was just for fun and to add spice to our sex life. Now he says that the female clothes in some way turned him on and denies that ”they were just comfortable”. He says that he has thought that a regular sex life indicated in his mind that the relationship was good and that’s why he felt that it was important that we had sex every week. Now he can say that he wasn’t in the mood all the time but the female clothes was a way to turn him on a long time before the actual thing. He says that the female clothes makes him anguished and he can’t wear them, that he won’t wear them if I don’t ask him to or if he will have another relationship, his partner will ask him to wear them. He pointed out that he has had long hait before (true, because he was too lazy to go to get his hair cut), and he wanted to change hair style. In the past, when we met, it was very important to have short hair and always the same hair cut. Now he eill have his hair cut. Then he pointed out that he hadn’t been cross-dressing his whole life and if he would be transgender, which he now denies, he would have thought about it more early than when he was over 40. 

This is very tireing. That is my number one feeling. Tired. But I will get trough this. This will pass, too.

This is the way to do it. Keep your focus on your end goal, getting out, getting a new home, your girls. The process of adapting, reflecting and coming to terms with it all will take you a very long time, but keeping calm and practical for this difficult part will work. You can see what you need to do for you and your girls, so try to stay focussed on that, not him and his many protestations and self-centred angst. Your kids need you, and your health and sanity comes first. This bit will progress and you'll get onto the next part of your life when you are likely to have space to breathe and grieve.

Transwidow987 · 30/09/2023 00:24

Its telling though that they have to plan it and try to Guage what will make them seem sexually normal. I honestly had the feeling that my ex was happy with just his hand and his panties.

Awaitin · 30/09/2023 10:22

@Transwidow987 Yes, it’s ok to quote me in the article!

ImNotWorthy · 30/09/2023 14:21

Transwidow987 · 30/09/2023 00:24

Its telling though that they have to plan it and try to Guage what will make them seem sexually normal. I honestly had the feeling that my ex was happy with just his hand and his panties.

If he has a sexual fantasy that can never happen in real life, then that, plus stimulus and hand, is the only way that the fantasy can ever be fulfilled. It literally can only be fulfilled inside his head, all he needs to add is the sensation he feels in his penis - a hand does fine, though, if he wanks frequently he should beware of developing the "death grip."

Transwidow987 · 30/09/2023 23:42

We have been apart for 7 years. I remember there was a TV show called "men of a certain age". There was a commercial that came on where Raymond talked about how he lost his libido and his wife made him take viagra. And he complained that he now had to stick his "dead wooden penis" into his wife once a week. And that commercial came on for that show quite a bit and I remember seeing his face he would get this look on his face like he was trying not to show any emotion. And looking back that That he made when anything was coming close to his web of lies. And I just used to get this eerie feeling when he went blank like that. His supposed low libido was a huge issue in our marriage, its a long story. But I think he had to take viagra to counteract the T blockers he was taking. He would make sure we did it once a week but he would never initiate and he had no passion for me.

Transwidow987 · 01/10/2023 00:05

@ImNotWorthy the above was in response to your comment.

ImNotWorthy · 01/10/2023 01:17

Oh ((@Transwidow987)), how awful, here's a hug from me. And a cuppa BrewBrew

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