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Feminism: Sex & gender discussions

Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

174 replies

TinselAngel · 24/08/2023 22:30

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

  1. You are not alone
  2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
  3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.


Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass



If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:



Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

Behind The Looking Glass - Teaser - Lime Soda Films Feature-Length Documentary

Watch our fundraiser teaser here: https://youtu.be/dH4XQ6Ie8O0Support our project: www.limesodafilms.com/donateLime Soda Films' upcoming film titled Behind T...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhAlvw_kAHs

OP posts:
Damaya · 07/09/2023 12:59

It is absolutely ok to talk to your friends about it. Your partner will make you think it is not but this is his secret not yours. Keep in mind some friends may not understand. I lost some long term friends who thought I should just stay.

You are no longer sexually compatible. It’s absolutely ok to not want this life for yourself. he gets to do his thing but his right to expression doesn’t trump your right to comfort in your own home!

ImNotWorthy · 07/09/2023 15:09

@Awaitin He is now sleeping in his nightdress and underpants every night locking the door to our bedroom so that the children won’t come in and see him dressed like that. 

DS is a firefighter, and so I am duty bound to remind you that this is very poor fire safety indeed. You may need to evacuate everyone as quickly as possible in an emergency.

Those few seconds it takes to unlock the bedroom door may be the difference between life and death. And there won't be time for him to get changed, either.

Can I just add how full of admiration I am for all you posters BrewBrew

Awaitin · 07/09/2023 20:03

@Damaya Thank you! It’s weird how shame drives us people to be silent. He once said that I could talk about this to my best friend when I said that I can’t be the only one who listens to him and that this make me feel very alone as I can’t talk to anybody. But I didn’t want to, and I don’t know if I can, because I feel ashamed. Like I am the one who didn’t stop this insanity. Like this would define me and who I am. I recognize this is how abused women would act and I know this isn’t on me. And how partners to alcoholic behaves. The list is long. At the same time I don’t know if I have the right to tell his secret to others. But it feels like I’m choking when I can’t adress the whole issue. 

At the same time I feel relived. I have thought about divorce because of his negativety that affects us all. He has always been very conservative in his thoughts. During our honeymoon there were the pride-march in the city we visited and he wouldn’t go near the strees where the march was going on. He had a backpack where there was a rainbow-like image and he put tape on it so that no-one would think he had anything to do with the pride-movement. And now he’s advocating trans rights and is growing his hair long, when he always have had it short and the same cut for all these years. That’s why I find this surprising and odd and so not like him. But now I feel like I have a real reason for the divorce, and that’s why I feel relived, but at the same time I struggle with letting friends know the whole truth about the divorce. 

@ImNotWorthy That’s a very good point! He has always been very rigid about safety matters, so I will gladly point this out to him. 

I have read what so many people have written here. I don’t know how you cope with the legal system is US. But I will say I admire you all and how you all are trying to keep some sanity for your children to this upside-down world we have been thrown into. 

socialworker222 · 07/09/2023 21:01

Hi Awaitin, sorry you have been having to live this way for so long. It sounds like you have made a good decision and now just need to be practical, think about finances, get legal advice and as you say, tell some people so you are supported (you will always have our support on here). I had no hesitation in telling very close friends and family and their support was vital for me to survive the first difficult years after making my decision. Maybe start with a close and trusted friend and see how they react. You may be surprised by the amount of support you get. People who care about you are unlikely to be 'political' about the trans issue and those who are may not end up being in your life for much longer. You could keep it secret or say it is something too personal to share right now, and at least have their support, but I certainly found it a great relief to tell trusted people. You are already imprisoned by this secret so it would be good for you to be able to tell someone.

ImNotWorthy · 07/09/2023 21:04

I feel obliged to add that, even if you all get out safely, it is possible, though admittedly unlikely, that those few seconds delay could end up costing a firefighter his or her life.

Dadhouse · 08/09/2023 13:27

Best wishes @Awaitin you might be surprised at the support you get from 'his' family. My brother is such a selfish idiot my sympathy is firmly for my sil. We hope he sorts his life out and moves forward but feel he's been utterly horrible to her.

Damaya · 08/09/2023 17:05

I’ll agree on support from the ex’s family. My ex’s family firmly supports me and not him. I still am friendly with them.

Awaitin · 08/09/2023 21:53

@Dadhouse @socialworker222 @Damaya Thank you for your kind words! They mean a lot to me! How are you all doing/coping?  I really appreciate reading about your situation even if it feels like we share the same nightmare. 

My husband got his tooth pulled out today, so he has slept most of the day and that means more space for me. I can sleep with the door unlocked and that eases my anguish a little. Hoping for a full night sleep. This week has been hard, feeling anguished, I’m tired but sleeps bad, hungry, but must force me to eat. But still I know this too will pass, and it will get better! My husbnd hasn’t noticed everything different about me this whole week, and that says a lot about our pretty distanced relationship. But makes it easier for me at this point. 

I’m counting the days to my trip. We are going for a long weekend-trip with my almost adult son and his aunt, sister and grandmother (from his dad’s side). I get to sleep in peace a few nights and I’m getting away from this situation. And after the trip I count the days for my appontment with the psychologist. And somewhere there in between i will take up the divorce with my husband. And tell my best friend what’s going on. I need to say it out loud so that I don’t feel so trapped and to take away some of the shame I have. 

I really hope you all have a good weekend with some peace of mind, even for a moment! 

socialworker222 · 09/09/2023 18:10

Sounds like a good plan Awaitin. The shame is interesting. I carried shame for years and couldn't rationally explain it. The isolation worsens that, and it being so uncommon made me feel like a freakish oddity. Several friends had partners who went off with younger women, but I was unusual and a topic of gossip in my community (my kids later found out when they told a couple of people that 'everyone knows', which they hated). I think we also feel shame that we didn't know, didn't spot the signs, and were made fools of. But you of course have nothing to feel ashamed of.

Awaitin · 09/09/2023 22:03

@socialworker222 Exactly! We didn’t know and we didn’t see the signs for what they were. At least I didn’t see the whole picture. I just thought this was a spice in our sexlife (for him) even if I said I didn’t get turned on of him in a slutty dress. And then forwarding to this day when I can’t even remember when we had like normal sex with him penetrating me. And I just went along and didn’t see all the red flags until this one day when reality slapped me in the face. Just to get the shame to shrink I need to at least tell my best friend. This is not our shame! 

I’m sorry to hear about the experience that your children had, that everybody knew. It’s awful to think about what have been said at the dinner table when your life is being discussed, but it’s heartbreaking when you are a child/young adult. Wondering what have been said and what jokes has been thrown around. But then again, I should hope that all have talked about it with compassion for you and your children in mind. 

I also think that the shame maybe can come from the stories that has been told about the marriage lasting and all are living happy together, and we can’t do that. Even if we are told tiodo so, because so many (??) other women can. Like we were the failure. 

I’m usually taking action and then reflect later. That is also why I feel like I really have to sort my thoughts before I tell my husband. So I can be clear in what I want and why I don’t want to continue with him. Maybe, maybe if I can stay calm this divorce isn’t going to be too complicated and therefor easier for the children to handle. 

My daughter, 14, asked me today if I was happy in my marriage (not my husbands daughter) and I answered no. She then wondered why I still was staying in the relationship. I couldn’t say that it’s coming, but I really need to set an example for her and her sister (and my boys, of course) that you should not stay in a relationship where you aren’t happy. That you should think of your boundries and what you do not accept and don’t let anybody push those boundries. But it is easier said than done, because change happens slowly.

socialworker222 · 10/09/2023 06:43

Spot on. I told close family that I was going to divorce him, but didn't tell him for a couple of months. I lined up their support, saw a solicitor, found a counsellor, talked to my manager at work, saw my GP, put aside some money (I wish I had done that years before given he screwed me over in the divorce and I was too worn -down to fight it) and got into a calmer private headspace. And then told him. It helped me to take back some control and also.time telling our kids to be as undisruptive as possible (a pipe dream, they were of course devastated, so try as you might you can't make it better for everyone). The counsellor noted that I set an important example to my daughter that (in manageable circumstances) women don't have to stay in intolerable circumstances with men who disregard their or their children's needs and feelings. My children are now adults and have several times explicitly said how glad they are we didn't stay together. So you seem to have a sound view of your way out of this. It's very hard going but the peace of freedom and independence can't be understated.

Damaya · 10/09/2023 21:31

The shame is definitely strong. I think part of it is just what an outsider I am. It would have been “easier” if it was a traditional divorce and he was just an asshole and an alcoholic. This throws in a different layer.

In the US there is this undertone of needing to celebrate my ex. You don’t get that with any traditional divorce. “Oh your husband decided to go have sex with the secretary. I mean really he needs to be himself though so good for him!”. This is the only divorcé situation where a “good for her though” or “wow, how courageous at her age” gets thrown in It’s absurd and angering! And if I point out how uncomfortable it is people don’t like that either. They want me to mask that I’m happy. Because you should be happy when people transition… Doesn’t matter about anyone else except the transitioning person.

Take a look over at Reddit transpartners if you ever need some perspective on how bad this mockery of playing female can get and just the absolute narcissism that is being spewed about. It will cement your reasons for leaving. Those women have no respect for themselves to remain in sone of those situations and put their kids through it. There was one recently where the spouse (A male) went in for a female wax service and then claimed transphobia when the salon worker was uncomfortable. The guy didn’t warn them he was trans. He literally booked himself for a female wax and got hurt when they got worried he was a perve. The poor salon worker! She was probably terrified. Those people get victimized every day already.

I’m struggling with strong feelings of anger toward my ex and doing my best to mask it as I have to coparent with him and I don’t want our son to internalize it. His actions don’t help. He tries to push buttons and be for lack of a better word a little bit provocative. I pride myself on not taking the bait, but it makes him angry and it takes a mental toll on me. And having to play nice in the sandbox and pretend to celebrate the transition of a shitty borderline abusive ex husband sucks! I told my therapist on Friday I think I actually hate him. I have never truly felt hate for anyone before even my literal rapist so I couldn’t place it at first. But this is my coparent for the next 9 years. This is my life. I hope it gets better.

socialworker222 · 11/09/2023 13:44

It will get better Damaya. Keeping the moral high ground with your behaviour is wearing but pays off in the long run as you remain blameless. Plus a good parent. I managed to keep my mouth shut about how I felt with my kids and now as adults they are, of their own volition, clear-sighted about who was responsible for the pain caused and who behaved well (me). It pays off in the end.

Awaitin · 11/09/2023 19:25

@Damaya It’s really good that you have your therapist ti talk to an pour out all your anger and hate. That will make it easier to just not react to what your ex throws at you. And you need to get it out somewhere so that all those dark feelings don’t eat you alive. Your child will know in the long run who was the adult one! 

I told my best friend about the cross-dressing and the upcoming divorce. I got massive support from her. I feel so much better to get it out, to tell my feeling of shame and to have someone on my side saying I’m doing the right thing. I will keep my eyes on the goal; an appartment with no locked doors and people in the closet, and I just to have go through the upcoming difficult time first. 

socialworker222 · 12/09/2023 20:23

Great news Awaitin.

Damaya · 13/09/2023 01:19

Great job on telling your friend! I know it’s hard to start telling people. Eventually you will get it down a flow for telling people. It is validating that more people you tell. While you will get extremists most people if they personalize it for themselves would leave. I’ve had very few people who truly think I should have stayed married,

Transwidow987 · 23/09/2023 22:32

Hi I am wondering if its ok to post my transwidow substack link here? Its just starting, I'm trying to make a healing place for transwidows.

I'm a long time lurker, been divorced from my ex for 7 years. I have about 6 short articles so far. If its not ok I totally understand.

I'm really glad to see that this place is still running. I hate that we even need this. I wish AGPers would just find some one else who is into their fetish or stay single, leave us alone.

TinselAngel · 23/09/2023 23:03

Transwidow987 · 23/09/2023 22:32

Hi I am wondering if its ok to post my transwidow substack link here? Its just starting, I'm trying to make a healing place for transwidows.

I'm a long time lurker, been divorced from my ex for 7 years. I have about 6 short articles so far. If its not ok I totally understand.

I'm really glad to see that this place is still running. I hate that we even need this. I wish AGPers would just find some one else who is into their fetish or stay single, leave us alone.

Yes of course.

OP posts:
Transwidow987 · 24/09/2023 04:39
Transwidow987 · 24/09/2023 13:32

S2 Ep 11: The Cis-Spouse Bill of Rights https://ourpath.org/ourpath_podcast/s2-ep-11-the-cis-spouse-bill-of-rights/

I also did an episode of a podcast, I use different names to avoid legal issues.

https://ourpath.org/ourpath_podcast/s2-ep-11-the-cis-spouse-bill-of-rights

ineedsomuchhelp · 24/09/2023 14:32

Posting for help.

Husband came out as "trans" around 4 months ago to me now. I've had to deal with body shaving, hair dyeing, eyebrow waxing etc. Whole appearance has changed.

I've said there is no chance I will ever find this attractive, which is true. I've begged him to reconsider, but each week brings new shit he is doing. Lots of hidden stuff around the house - make up and who knows what else. He WFH so I guess he does a lot of "experimenting" then.

Penetrative sex has gone. He basically gets me to wank him off if he's horny.

No chance he will reconsider that this is part of a bigger picture, that it's a symptom of other stuff that is going on. He considers himself a woman. Apparently I should accept him, continue with the marriage etc as it is me who has the problem - he's only changing his outer shell and if I loved him I could cope with it.

I can't.

He is regularly furious with me over little things. And small arguments change into huge ones. I've spent weeks crying and don't know what to do anymore.

UtopiaPlanitia · 24/09/2023 15:48

Transwidows, and trans issues generally, are starting to get some media airtime in Ireland that isn’t just the usual TWAW and ‘no criticism allowed’ puff pieces that we’ve seen in the past.

This radio interview had empathy/sympathy for the women living with AGP partners - I was very pleased that there was no statement of how brave the men were in ‘living their truth’.

I thought I’d post this interview here in case it would be of interest:

https://niallboylan.com/podcast/my-husband-left-me-to-become-a-woman-tracy-shannon

My Husband Left Me To Become A Woman (Tracy Shannon) - The Niall Boylan Podcast

In this compelling and emotional episode, Niall sits down with Tracy Shannon, also known as "The Trans Widow," to share her powerful and deeply personal story. Tracy's life took an unexpected and....

https://niallboylan.com/podcast/my-husband-left-me-to-become-a-woman-tracy-shannon

TinselAngel · 24/09/2023 16:06

ineedsomuchhelp · 24/09/2023 14:32

Posting for help.

Husband came out as "trans" around 4 months ago to me now. I've had to deal with body shaving, hair dyeing, eyebrow waxing etc. Whole appearance has changed.

I've said there is no chance I will ever find this attractive, which is true. I've begged him to reconsider, but each week brings new shit he is doing. Lots of hidden stuff around the house - make up and who knows what else. He WFH so I guess he does a lot of "experimenting" then.

Penetrative sex has gone. He basically gets me to wank him off if he's horny.

No chance he will reconsider that this is part of a bigger picture, that it's a symptom of other stuff that is going on. He considers himself a woman. Apparently I should accept him, continue with the marriage etc as it is me who has the problem - he's only changing his outer shell and if I loved him I could cope with it.

I can't.

He is regularly furious with me over little things. And small arguments change into huge ones. I've spent weeks crying and don't know what to do anymore.

Sorry that you find yourself here, @ineedsomuchhelp.

It sounds like he's made his choices pretty clear. You say you will never find them attractive. Do you want to stay with somebody that you will never find attractive and who has chosen to make themselves so? Flowers

It's like our exes are Shroedingers Transitioner. They often claim to be simultaneously just the same as they always were, and completely different, depending on what suits their argument at the time.

OP posts:
ineedsomuchhelp · 24/09/2023 16:30

That's the thing. I bloody love him - but I don't want to be stuck in some sort of pseudo lesbian relationship. Or is the fact he's gone off penetrative sex symbolic of something else?

I've just got so many questions that I don't really want answered. But I do. This is a fucking shit feeling, and it's made worse by the fact he doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong - it's all my fault because I'm not accepting the changes.

ineedsomuchhelp · 24/09/2023 16:34

Prior to this we had a great relationship. He was the "perfect" husband.

I feel so fucking destroyed but he's making me feel like I'm at fault for doing so.

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