Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass

If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:

Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

What a difficult situation for you. I assume you feel glad, and rock-solid in your decision to end the relationship which is positive. You know what you want/don't want. I don't know how you would be able to live alongside him through the coming escalation and celebration though. It would be unusual to be able to tolerate that.

Lean on the friends who are there for you. Talk to someone about your financial/housing/ work options when you have the headspace. Focus entirely on looking after your needs day to day. You will survive this and come out the other side but its really hard going at first.

And you will feel numb, angry, sad, embarrassed, all sorts of things not necessarily in a linear pattern.

I certainly felt really embarrassed and ashamed. I knew people were gossiping about us and some had a needlessly salacious interest ( the number of people who asked if he had had surgery yet blew my mind). It doesn't matter. He will be last week's news at some point and a lot of people will feel for you even if outwardly they toe the political line.

Thank you. Right now, he's sitting at the other end of the sofa in some silk negligee and I'm still in jeans and a tee shirt. Why do they think we all dress like sex objects at all times?

He's also a bit of a hoarder and his stuff was all in the spare room that he's moved into, so now he's stressing that he's got to throw stuff away. The horror!

Living with him like this will be hard I know, but I'm shifting my perception of our relationship to housemates only; no more dealing with his family, no more lifts (I'm the only driver/car owned), and no more excessive emotional support. He's no longer my emotional responsibility. That's kind of freeing.

Also, I'm very firm in my ending the relationship. I can't be with him like this, it's one of the biggest passion killers for me. I'm swearing off relationships full stop for the foreseeable future, I need to sort myself out first.

Luckily, I have a decent civil service job and am saving like mad in case the worst happens and we have to sell the house.

I have only told my very close friend and yes it will be extremely embarrassing for me when all find out what he wants to be. I am exactly the same about gossiping. I do not wish to be a centre of attention of people's gossip over drinks. Its been 7 months now and it is still very raw and i am struggling to cope mentally.

It's awful isn't it?

I am so sorry to see that you are hurting so much. I hope you find a close friend/family member to talk to. I make sure world of difference to vent it all out to a person who understands you well. Lots of hugs xx

Thank you, sadly no family at all. They were deeply abusive and toxic, so I had to cut them all out of my life over twenty years ago. Most of my friends wouldn't be that understanding, I don't think. But there is one who may.

I can also access confidential counselling via work; I've only just come back in a different role,from having a month off with stress! And now this!

We've also just remortgaged so the timing for his announcement couldn't have been worse!

You need to have a goal of selling your house or buying out your ex @Jaffapedigree Sharing the house will continue to cause you pain and he is currently involving you in his fetish by sitting around in negligees. Even if it's a year from now and you move to a tiny flat it will be better to be away from him. Have you watched the transwidows film Behind the Looking Glass? It might help you understand what's going on

Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be able to buy again, but I'm working on my savings. Only got £5K so far. Plus, he'd fight me on who gets the cats!

I can't watch the film right now because everything's so raw.

Yes it’s perfectly normal to feel embarrassed, they generally look terrible.

There’s only two things we can do, grey rock the behaviour, and as my friend always puts it “keep our own side of the street clean”.

Here’s an explanation of grey rocking if you’re not familiar:
https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock#know-when-to-use-it

If there is anything beyond awful its that. Still hope.that this is some.sort of a bad dream! But unfortunately it is not and I am trying to accept this harsh reality 😕

Well, I managed to find a friend to talk to earlier today, so that has made me feel a bit better. I'm still seething with white hot rage inside but I'm hoping that passes soon. He's gone down the pub (dressed in men's clothing, it's only me who gets to see the lacey tops and bras, of course!).

I'm finding myself retracting from interacting with him; after getting home from the gym earlier today, I barely spoke to him, I struggled to stay civil. I wanted to ask what the hell he thought all this was doing to me, but I didn't because I doubt he'd be able to frame an answer that wasn't ultimately about himself. I think I'm going to withdraw further including fewer shared meals, things like that. He's determined to just carry on with joint cooking, grocery shopping (done by me, of course, because he doesn't drive). I'd rather do a lot less together now.

Sorry for rambling!

You don’t want to be in a state of incoherent rage all the time as it’s exhausting, but you have every right to be angry, and anger is useful for helping you get shit done.

I think we’ve generally found the “what do you think this is doing to me and to our children” route, futile because by the time they get to that point, they don’t care about anybody else and they are convinced that they are taking the righteous path.

Yes, very much so. I do recognise it as futile, but it's still living in my head. I'll get through this, as will the rest of us. Stay strong!

As shocked and disgruntled as you may feel, the website they use offers no other consideration than they have the right! to total support. They are urged to cut off family who cannot totally support ( which may suit you nicely) but supportive family eventually wind up as anyone to be discarded when you are less useful than their current needs. Put simply, they support each other in their tunnel vision progress.
As you can see, this does not leave much opportunity for meaningful discussion. Their needs come before a child's for example. With this knowledge you may decide to be equally focussed on what you need. Sad, grieving but focussed.

Sadly they think the children would be ok and still go about pursuing their choosen path. They also want the rights of being a Mother from us and applied to them. It is so unfair and hurting.

It's all part of the blind excitement of Project Me. My ex posted online in ways which shocked and upset his children, made changes at his own pace entirely against our agreement, and never properly talked to them despite working in a profession where he purported to understand the needs of young people. The oblivion and blindness is fairly blanket. Nobody else matters, their supporters will tell them everyone will be fine (and if they are not they are to be discarded and disregarded) and the priority is their pursuit of their true authentic self. This is almost, shockingly, not personal. Because nobody around them matters at all. I can't think of an equivalent experience that so detaches people from their former bonds and responsibilities.

Hello everyone, I thought I'd share my updates on my situation with you here.

He's going to move out! A very sensible mutual friend got in contact with me after he'd been confiding in her, and after hearing my side of things, I think she must have given him a right talking to, because his attitude has changed quite a bit.

So now, he's talking seriously about moving out and selling the house. However, I'm determined to keep the house, so have contacted our mortgage broker to discuss buying him out. After a short post on the mumsnet housing board which received a couple of positive responses, it looks like I may be able to do it. I definitely need the broker to confirm it though, hopefully he can set up a meeting soon.

The ex has also been trying to tidy his room today, cue lots of noise and grumbling. He's also still wearing the godawful clothes, but if he's leaving soon, I can will myself to put up with it until he's gone.

I also reconnected with an old work colleague yesterday and we indulged in what is best described as a day long bitch fest! She's totally supportive, as is her no nonsense husband, so at least a few good people have my back. I'm feeling a lot better today.

It is never a good idea to alter mortgages without sound legal advice. My grandson's non married parents found that any new arrangement must guarantee a roof over his head until he is 18.
Are you also aware of your co-parenting financial obligations? It is not unusual for one parent to make a claim against a better paid parent. Transitioners can claim for not working with DWP on medical grounds! Proceed with good legal advice. If you are young ( says the pensioner) your situation may be much simpler.

Really pleased to hear that things are going better and that you’ve found people with a grip on reality that you can lean on.

NC for this

Instigated divorce this year as the STBEX over the past couple of years wasn't happy. I couldn't seem to make him happy, he didn't seem to enjoy being with me. Started to exhibit disrespect and contempt towards me and my family, which steadily grew in frequency and culminated in a crescendo event that stepped so far over my boundaries it was totally shocking. I thought long and hard about filing for divorce which after a few months I did (after he said I was being sensitive/overreacting and should just get over it).

Throughout the entire time of our relationship I accepted who he was/is, 100% including the bits that over the past few years didn't sit right or were a turn-off. The wearing women's clothes when intimate, which then progressed to always wearing lingerie, the shoe collection, fake breasts. But he was my husband, for better or for worse and in all areas of life, personal and professional, accept people for who there are. Everyone!

After I filed he's been pretty up and down but recently he had confessed it was ineveitable we would divorce and that had things he wanted to share but it wasn't the right time. I thought he said that as a way of hurting me.

I found out today (by accident) that for the past few years he has been thinking more and more about coming out as a woman or living his life as a woman. And that he couldn't tell me this because I am a JKR supporter (I've read some of her tweets) and researched about various feminist issues such as women being able to use single sex toilets in the workplace, that I am pro-sex only, that gender is fluid and I should understand that, and I'm not supportive of transgender people and have denied him being who he is for the past few years so getting a divorce is the right thing to do.

I told him if he wanted to identify as a woman then I wished he would have spoken to me and I could have supported his choice, I wouldn't have stayed married mind you but the discussion could have occurred moons ago.

Is it ok to feel so utterly heartbroken that I am being blamed for his unhappiness and that is it my fault he can't be who he wants to be?

It isn’t your fault that he can’t be what he wants to be though, it is reality’s fault. Your story is so very familiar to me

The bright side is that it looks like the worst of this is happening after you’ve decided to divorce so not your circus or your monkeys.

My view is that the fetish gradually escalates but they have to be able to claim they were “born this way”. Blaming us becomes an easy explanation for why they didn’t do sooner.

Are you living separately or are you still in the same house?

@TinselAngel same house unfortunately