Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass

If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:

Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

That’s shit. Can you bring forward any plans to change that?

@TinselAngel Marital home on the market, divorce should be done by end of the year.

No money to rent and pay the mortgage/bills so am stuck til house sells. No family nearby either. Just got to ride it out.

Is it ok to cry and be upset? To feel angry and betrayed? It's as if the blame has been turned 180, like it's my fault and I am in the wrong

Love reading and learning, is it worth my time trying to understand why?

I don’t think there’s much point n trying to understand why they do it. It’s just more of putting all your energy into them instead of yourself.

Yes of course it’s OK to cry. Whichever way you look at it you’ve been lied to, and you’re grieving both the past that has been revealed as a lie, and the future you thought you had.

@TinselAngel you are so very right! That makes so much sense, why waste energy when I should be packing my belongings and being ready to move.

I just read this on another website, do you think it would be ok to cut and paste here? the passage is an excellent descriptor.

"He victimized himself by saying that I caused him to suppress his feminine side. He was hiding it because of me. Then over time, his story changed. It went from occasionally cross-dressing, to wanting to become a woman. He reminded me every day that he didn’t feel like he could truly be the woman he felt like on the inside because it was my fault for loving him as a man"

All those memories and life we built (it was ending anyway) but it was all a lie. That is how I feel at my core, lied to.

Thank you for listening

They always end up by criticising us for “not loving the real them” but how is it our fault that they presented themselves as somebody else and that’s who we fell in love with?

@TinselAngel They always end up by criticising us for “not loving the real them” but how is it our fault that they presented themselves as somebody else and that’s who we fell in love with?

Its not our fault, it's their's for lying, for manipulating and gaslighting and pretending to be someone they are not. They will never be accountable, or say sorry, and will always be a victim. The man I loved is gone. The man I loved was never real.

I never set out to get divorced, but he crossed such a fundamental boundary there was no recovery. While still reeling from that and getting over the heartache he goes and does this. What a nut-job. At one point I thought we could be friends after, how stupid was I!.

https://open.substack.com/pub/louiseperry/p/the-experiences-of-trans-widows-ute?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=1v0f1d

My guests today are Ute Heggen and Emma Thomas, two women whose lives have been deeply impacted by the men in their lives choosing to transition. Ute runs the YouTube channel @UteHeggenTranswidowHeals, and has also authored a memoir titled 'In the Curated Woods.' Emma is founder of the campaign group Children of Transitioners.

Sharing for those interested from the Maiden Mother Matriarch substack/podcast.

Your story is very similar to mine also. I really did try and hang on in there for the sake of the vows I made and keeping our family together. But finding this community made me realise that I had completely and utterly become little more than a supporting cast member to a main character who wasn't in the script I read when I took the role I signed up for. I recently was blessed to be told that (3 years post full coming out, over 2 years post divorce) he would still be married to me if I could've accepted him. All. My. Fault.

You are allowed to grieve and yes it does hurt and feel that we have been living a lie. Its not your fault. Even if they have Dysphoria they HAVE a choice, if he loved you and cared for your feelings, he has a choice to be the man in your life, have therapy/support for his mental situation or run towards and ideology. But no he chose the other path. Thats what I keep telling myself. Its not my fault that I have separated and making my children live in 2 different homes. Its his fault it was HIS CHOICE which didn't leave me any other option but to leave. He choose his selfish attitude towards this ideology which he thinks will make him happy. And yes you are allowed to cry and grieve. I have been separated for 4 weeks now and I accidently found out 7 months ago, and it true like many have other women have said, the pain will lessen as the days pass and lessen the sooner we accept it. Lots of hugs and strength to you to get through this tough time and heart break xxxx

Hi.
Recommended to this thread.
I'm still living with my OH who I have talked about on another thread.
Basically I've put up with knowing he's been sexting other men and women. I have never felt so alone, rejected and unwanted.
I've got to the point where I'm ready to leave but struggling with where I'll go on my part time wage and a dog!
I feel tied to living with this loneliness, it's tough!

I think nowadays both kink and “gender” are used to excuse male behaviour and coercion that would be unacceptable otherwise.

It’s good that you have decided to end the relationship. What has to happen before you can move out? (Or get him to move out).

Do you mind if I link your thread on here?

I recently heard that my friend and fellow trans widow Jackie Mearns has died. She was a very brave woman.

This is her talk at a WPUK event:

Very sad to hear this @TinselAngel- RIP Jackie

Wishing all transwidows and women new to, or living with these unwanted situations, a happy Christmas. I hope whatever your circumstances you have support and good things in your life today ❤️

Well, he did move out and I've bought him out of the house. It's a very lonely Christmas day and I'm off to work, probably be shouted at in the toxic environment but hey ho, at least it's human company.

Oof that sounds hard, bon courage

Congratulations. Next year will be better surely. So glad you managed to buy him out. Hope today isn't too terrible.

Happy Christmas, Jaffa. Wishing you a peaceful day.

Thank you. Work hasn't been too bad, but it's always a grim place at the best of times.

Merry Christmas and upwards and onwards. We are strong and these are weak men. Well done on getting out of the toxic abusive relationship. The coming days will be lonely and difficult. But this too shall pass xxxx Happy New Year mate xx

Merry Christmas and upwards and onwards. We are strong and these are weak men. Well done on getting out of the toxic abusive relationship. The coming days will be lonely and difficult. But this too shall pass xxxx Happy New Year mate xx

Hello, it will be a year soon that I found out about my ex. Its been around 4 months that we are separated. I still go.into.depresion and haven't been a single day that I haven't cried. How long will I suffer like this? I just feel exhausted physically and mentally. I am not enjoying life at all, I try to be strong but dont know if this will every stop.

Thank you 😊

I don't know much about losing a partner / relationship but Cruse Bereavement Care used to talk about not making major decisions within the first 2 years as you will still be grieving. We all move and heal at different rates and I magine I would still be grieving my relationship after a year.

It does and will get better. Life is full of joy and beauty - flowers, sunsets, children laughing, lovely food, a great joke. Feel your pain but also your joy - you will get to a place of more joy and less pain. Sending you lots of love ❤️

Talking to a friend recently I reflected on how long it took me to get over my marriage ending this way, far longer than I thought it 'should'. It's a shocking, lonely and fairly unique place to be, and all I can assure you is that you will move on from this and find your life again, and four months is very raw. I hope you have supportive people around you. Gradually you will find this fades, and you can start trying to think about what you want and need, and how to have a life again. So many of us on these threads have come out the other side, so give yourself time 💐