Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass

If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:

Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

I'm not sure what you mean by rules? People may access private care from wherever they choose, provided they can pay. If people are accessing care through the NHS, then they are limited to what the NHS will provide.

I did look it up and if you are a therapist in another country who is licensed in that other country, you really can't do therapy with people in the UK via tele health. That's just what Google said and it is wrong at times obviously.

If I ever do get my therapy license I would like to be able to work with people in other countries, but would the NHS pay for it? From what I read its better to do it as coaching but that distinction between therapy and coaching can be a fine line.

I hope therapists there don't decide not to take trandwidows, that seems unethical.

I hadn't no. Just googled though x

I hadn't no. Just googled though x

You're correct that there are restrictions on delivering therapy in different countries and states ie parts of the US. There are ways round it and were you to find someone online you could just check that out individually.

And absolutely the NHS wouldn't pay for anything outside their standard offer. Funding for therapies is low and wait times are high. If a TW can afford private help, trying out an initial session with private therapists is best, to see if you get on and particularly to gauge their response to our fairly unusual and unique story.

There’s an article in the Mail today which says it is about a woman who started the trans widows group finally speaking out. For avoidance of confusion it is not me.

Article makes it sound as if her group is new?

Yes.

A lot of people seem to be assuming it’s me though.

I tried private therapy but no one understands us I think unless you have been through it. Especially in the current climate of being called tramsphobic if you go against TRAs or even try and put our opinion out there.

I read it and did wonder, sorry.

You definitely have to sound out therapists first to see if they’re sensible on the topic.

Hi everyone. I am not a Trans widow but a volunteer for an organisation were support is offered around various challenges in life. I have had a couple in the seventies contact me about the fact their son, who is married and has children, has made an 'announcement' and is wanting them to relate to him as her. I have been reading about trans widows on Mumsnet for a long time. I will direct them towards the trans widow site but does anyone have any other suggestions? Thanks for your help.

You’d think that there would be parents in the groups like Bayswater whose trans identifying children are now adults.

There is probably a gap in the market (so to speak) for parents and siblings of adult transitioners. They’re not the same as us, as we can leave our exes but they stay related.

@ AxolotolEars - There is a website called childrenoftransitioners.org/ written by various adult children of transpeople\ transitioners. It gives information that is useful for family members and those working with the children affected. You and the grandparents may find the 'Gra submission ' and ' How to help children of transitioners' articles a good place to start.

Hi i have been told to come in this forum with my struggles. Basically my ex of 6 years well we have a child together I kicked him out of family home broke up with him and for a while managed to block it out because I just didn't communicate with him unless i had to. Well now he is calling himself mummy and it's literally confusing my daughter. I don't know what to do social services don't seem to care apparently men are allowed to do this crap. However it's ruining my life. I already had to put up with his jealousy through my pregnancy and i just feel through our whole relationship he was pretending to be a woman. It's destroyed me mentally and a few times wanted to take my own life because of him.

So sorry to hear this. I imagine it feels as if you will never be free of him. But your child will get older and things change. I'm wondering what support you have from friends and family, and whether you've been able to start again with your own life free from him? It sounds as if separating, however difficult, is better than being with him? Do you have formal access and custody arrangements?

Hi my family knows what's going on and what he is doing although i certainly feel unsupported as they just say o just ignore him he is being silly or mum will say if he wants to be a weirdo let him. I feel they don't understand why I can't get over this. I was doing well then my three year old as I've been doing more shifts has been with him more hours then usual the Tuesday and Thursday. She is at nursery rest of week. I do feel I can't escape this because it has took over my life I hate the fact he is calling himself mummy now. I sent a message to him today out of pure anger basically saying he has confused our daughter and basically saying I never want to speak to him again. He even has the nerve to call himself mummy around me which really hurts. Why does he have to do it Infront of my face.

I should add I've also spoken to family services and social services regarding this and they don't seem to concerned about what he is doing ?

He does it because he will only be thinking about himself, not your child or you. It's so disrespectful and selfish. It sounds like you will have to have basic contact with him because of your child for now. It's hard for people around us to understand how devastating this is and how long it takes to in any way recover. He will be completely obsessed with himself and not care how you or your child feel. That seems to be a pattern most of us have seen, total self-obsession and poor parenting. My ex did a lot of frightening and confusing things and eventually my (older) kids voted with their feet and stopped seeing him. Down the line things will change for you but right now your priority is your health and sanity and keeping the rest of life normal and stable for your child. Keep a record of incidents (for example your child being upset or confused) and crucially focus on keeping your finances, life, friendships and routine intact. You are the decent parent and the stable rock. Lots of us saw our GP because this has such an impact on mood and sleep. It's disappointing that social care aren't currently interested in your child's confusion, so you will need to keep a log of anything concerning and go back to them as this unfolds. It must be very hard to see this happening and all the women on here who have been through this know how hard it is.

Thank you that's a good idea to start keeping records as she calls me daddy sometimes which I find upsetting and only happens when she has been around him. I know it sounds bad but I just want my daughter to understand she has one dad and one mum not a dad who dresses as a woman and sees himself as mummy. I have been obsessed and lost many nights sleep over this and it was taking a dark turn then I kicked him out because I couldn't take it anymore. No matter how many times I've begged him to not do this he doesn't seem to care. Maybe men who do this including him don't realise the pain they are causing and how hurtful it is. I fear as long as I have to have even minimal contact with him i feel that I won't be able go get over it. I feel bad because yesterday my daughter called me daddy and I shout at her and i started to cry. It's not my daughters fault it's just all the upset from that nasty man. Because i will never ever see him as a women ever.

Oh lovely I feel for you. I am dreadingbthat day to come in my life. We haven't told the kids anything yet. They are still in primary school. I have warned him not to create confusion by changing how they address him and he cannot CANNOT have my title and right of Mummy taken away from me. I think you should put your foot down and talk to his side of family. Gently explain it to your little one that you are her only Mummy and always has been it would make you happy if she continues to call only you as Mummy. Xxx I wish so much that these crazy men understand how much emotional and mental trauma they are putting us through. Lots of hugs lovely xx

Exactly why can't he just be dressing as a woman but not call himself mummy. He already ruined my pregnancy by having fantasies it was him walking around like a tit with his hand attached to his stomach. I think going forward I can't communicate unless I literally had to. It was working until my daughter was calling me dad. I don't want to end up disliking my child but it's upsetting to hear. Thanks for your message.
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Hi all, I'm a long time lurker but I had to join up when I saw this thread.

My long term partner has come out as trans. Thankfully, we're not married and we don't have children, but we do own our house equally between us. I've ended the relationship because, well, I just can't be intimate with him anymore due to this. He's moved into the spare room.

He's now happily wearing skirts, bras, etc around the house. I'm trying to be amicable but right now I'm internally seething. It's all been very one sided, all about his wants and needs. Only a couple of our mutual friends have bothered to reach out to me to see how I'm doing.

Is it normal to also feel incredibly embarrassed about the dressing up? I find it very cringe inducing. He'll never pass and he's aware of it, and we live in a rather non progressive area so I don't think he'll be walking down the streets dressed up in skirts, etc.

I also feel that I can't tell any friends or work colleagues why we've split up, again embarrassment I guess, plus I don't want anyone gossiping about us.

I have no family at all. Almost all our mutual friends are TWAW types.

We can't afford to buy each other out of the house, and selling wouldn't give either of us enough money to buy again. I'm in my fifties, I love our house and can't see myself moving out, but neither can he so I'm stuck with a weird trans housemate ex. And no one to talk to who will understand my point of view.

I'm wondering if I'm going through the stages of grief, as I was numb from hus announcement up to niw (a couple of days). Plus, I ended the relationship.