Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass

If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:

Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

My GP recommended a couple of groups to me. I joined one and it was all about acceptance, affirmation and validation. You have to be careful which groups you get into, as some are just pro trans groups. These groups do not offer any support to the families, they just drone on about pronouns, gender identity, and focusing on the trans person’s needs. In my experience, their needs are very well met, whilst the families are left floundering and bewildered.

Yes there do seem to be many groups like that.

I completely agree. Its all about them and their mental health. Nothing nothing for us and our children. When will GPs look at us, when will therapist look through our angle. I think most of them are worried to be a part of cancel culture.

I respect the work you do on here but my lived experience is what it is.

The issue is sharing your FB info if you don't trust a stranger you meet on another site.

I'm talking about groups that are basically gender critical.

Therapists don't know about the groups because they aren't searchable.

When I found out my ex was a cross dresser I got on a group run by the woman who wrote that book that's something like "my husband Betty". I had some bad experiences in there just not being excited about him lying to me and having discomfort seeing his breast forms, not trusting that he wasn't trans or gay. They kept going on about just loving him and how if he says he is just a cross dresser to believe him. I ended up leaving.

Hopefully this training will help with that. Therapists are ethically supposed to meet people where they are. For instance if they have a Muslim client, they don't go on trying to convince her she is wrong for wearing a hijab and telling her Islam is incorrect.

But if they have it stuck in their head that they are here to teach and convert and politicize therapy they probably aren't going to take that course anyway. There is supposed to be a certificate they can get at the end to let people find them.

My work is definitely not just confined to in here. I wasn’t aware that I had disputed your “lived experience”? (Isn’t all experience “lived”?)

Yes I’m aware of the issues with using even private groups on Facebook, that’s why I’ve never gone down that route.

While we’re on the topic of infiltration, not being able to trust people with your identity etc, I’d remind women here to be cautious about invitations to DM.

At least one very well known TRA has tried to infiltrate trans widows, to my knowledge (although on Twitter not here).

I'm not going to argue with you about whether these support groups exist or not. I understand that you have been deeply hurt as have all of us and that you are extremely distrustful of people. I think you have good reason for that as well.

I don’t require extra accommodations because of my experience as a trans widow. It makes me wiser, not more susceptible.

My well founded caution is based on experience gained via several years of doing this, and most importantly on prioritising the safeguarding of women, not on some kind of irrationality based on trauma.

When the stance of the registering bodies of therapeutic and allied professions, is one of parotting TWAW and the unions who those professionals belong to, do the same, then finding a therapist who will actually work with trans widows will be difficult imo.

It’s a bit depressing really that this is still pretty much where I started 8 odd years ago. I concluded nothing was ever going to come to us, we were going to have to do it ourselves which is why this space and the website exists.

The real problem, as well as all the stigma etc, is that most trans widows are prevented from setting up such support structures due to lack of time and resources- we’re the ones left combining raising traumatised children with often full time work. That’s why I’ve not been able to take TWV to the next level. I’d say it’s a project for when I retire but I hope it won’t be needed by then.

I have a list of sympathetic therapists which I can email to trans widows who contact me via the website.

Thank goodness, as i have to say all the NHS psychologists, and other NHS mental health services are very much TWAW, terribly right on and non terf. I have thankfully retired from working alongside them

Yes I was fortunate that the timing of my marriage break up was just before all this got embedded in the NHS and counselling.

There is a void for the needs of women in this situation via the UK NHS as groups sound politically-driven and focussed on the trans person's needs, and of course access to decent 1:1 therapy is so limited with huge wait times. In terms of any individual therapy taking a stance these are simply poor therapists. This experience is about loss and deceit. It is fundamental psychological work and should not involve advice or direction. Unfortunately there are a lot of underskilled counsellors around and my experience suggested that some were freaked out by seeing the 'other side ', as many are comfortable with seeing people considering transitioning and affirming their identity with them. I work in the field and am exasperated when trained therapists fail to work with TWs neutrally, helpfully and compassionately.
In terms of support groups I think most people who found this forum found very few other groups online particularly if they are not used to mining FB, Reddit etc and don't know where to start. This area is refreshingly public-facing in a feminist hub, which has given not only support from others in this situation but also from women more widely, all of which I found life-changingly helpful.

Grouty and Lioness I found this experience is partly about acceptance (for a long time you are going to feel terrible) and refocussing on the supportive people around you, the bits that remain good in your life, and working out how to have a good life around the bomb hole left behind. I found it very helpful to remember this is loss, like a complex bereavement (the person has gone but they're still here, I hated and missed my ex, I accept I will never fully know or understand why he did it or for how long he had made the decision etc). It is unbearable to lose a partner in this context and I cant imagine an adult.son or daughter. But you need to work out what you need and want and how to keep the relationships you want (whether you need to have an ongoing relationship with an ex because of children or an adult child because of grandchildren). Lots of women here have lived through this and come out the other side. You can't control or change this but you can shift the focus to your needs and make a good life despite this. Getting treatment for depression, sleep etc is part of refocussing on yourself and your needs going forward.

Thanks @socialworker222 that’s a really helpful post.

It is indeed a bereavement. My lovely son has gone. I need to keep seeing the replacement because I want to see my grandchildren.

Two years on I still can’t make sense of it but I’m getting more used to it. I think that’s the best I can hope for, to become used to it. ❤️‍🩹

Totally. You can't do anything to change, reverse or persuade. I had the luxury of not having to have the 'new' version of my ex in my life at all so it must be very painful to see them.

Thank you for your kind words and guiding a path for seeing the light following your awful experience. I do not want to see my husband (not ex yet) but unfortunately will have to as I have 2 beautiful children with him and do not wish more misery for them and making them choose between parents. I dont know how i can have zero contact with him because of our children. Its going to kill me.

I think others on here will be able to advise on how to manage necessary civil contact with an ex in these circumstances, to ensure the kids are okay but your boundaries remain clear. Very difficult for you.

@Groutyonehereagain To reassure you ( if you don' t mind a CoT butting in!), I would not have rebuilt the close relationship with my grandmother after a long gap if she had remained close to my father, and accepted his awful behaviour to us. Boundaries matter.
There are no easy decisions in this.

I'm wondering what the rules are on seeing a therapist online who is in a different country. That could be a possibility.

You perpetually assume the worst in everything I have posted. I dont know why, but its a pattern. I haven't said a thing about you being irrational. I'm done arguing with you.

I don't require extra accommodations for being a trans widow either. I dont know what your issue is with me, but you seem to think I'm some TRA or something. I'm fine with that, I really wanted to have interesting conversations with everyone here but it seems impossible with you. And that's fine. I wish you well.

Have you found any support online? It seems there really is none for children of these guys or for children of closeted people who were in hetero marriages.

It was my daughter's step dad and I'm grateful she has been able to heal and move on. Things got awful for both of us after the divorce. I think going through two divorces was just terrible for her and I still feel guilty for bringing him into her life.

Have you heard of grey rocking?