Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass

If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:

Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

Just human then. All the ones I've come across are female. I've not listed all. I wrote a long screed further, but deleted. I can't help except by expressing sympathy.

The irony being our dad was always more football, it was mum who'd never miss a rugby game.
But no, the new trans identifying sibling always felt unhappy in the wrong body. He doesn't want the photos of him bearded at festivals, playing rugby and sinking pints, he's a lady and ladies like chilled white wine and chatting.
It's harder to argue with the more emotional stuff but we felt he was a boisterous, energetic, confident kid not the sad, reflective introvert he's suggesting he was inside. It's just if he's lying about rugby he's probably lying to himself and us about how he looks back on the past.

There is a concept in youth psychology of "rapid onset gender dysphoria" and it happens in groups of preteens and teens. When the young person is separated temporarily from their peers and from the internet for even a week or two, their GD diminishes or goes away.

I do wonder what would happen to some of these TIM'S if they were in a situation where they could only watch vanilla porn or no porn, and had no access online or in person to other TIMs and to the "handmaidens" or "drag h@gs" who cheer them on and constantly tell them how gorgeous they are.

I know in my ex's case it wouldn't have mattered. He started in the 90's in HS and so when we met he had been doing it for 20 years. It was already deeply installed in his nervous system as a pleasurable positive thing to do.

But for some of them who seem to absolutely come out of nowhere, I do wonder if its like the rapid onset GD that youth experience. When you watch a certain kind of porn and have Os to it, it is so powerful. It just dumps so much positive reinforcement into your brain.

I asked AI to come up with simple nonviolebt statements for a wife to say when her TIM husband is accusing her of being abusive, a transphobe, or not loving them.

🌿 Nonviolent Boundary Statements for Women Whose Husbands Come Out as Transgender
About My Identity and Boundaries

• I am a straight woman. That hasn’t changed, and I have a right to honor my own orientation without being shamed for it.
• It’s not hateful to know who I am and what I am (and am not) attracted to.
• Loving myself and being true to my identity does not make me transphobic.
• I am not obligated to stay in a marriage that no longer reflects mutual attraction, compatibility, or shared values.
• My boundaries are not abuse. They are how I protect myself.

About Emotional Manipulation and Gaslighting

• Calling me abusive because I want to leave is manipulative. You are allowed to live your truth. So am I.
• Disagreement is not abuse. Discomfort is not abuse. I am allowed to say no.
• Respecting your identity doesn’t mean I have to erase my own.
• You are entitled to your feelings. You are not entitled to redefine my reality.
• I’m allowed to grieve and have my own process. That doesn’t make me an enemy.

About Ending the Relationship Respectfully

• I want us both to be free to live authentically—even if that means separately.
• Ending a relationship isn’t a rejection of your humanity. It’s a recognition of incompatibility.
• This marriage no longer feels emotionally or physically safe for me. That is enough reason to leave.
• I wish you well in your journey, but I’m choosing a path that honors my own health and truth.

“I wish you well in your journey, but I’m choosing a path that honors my own health and truth”

A simple “fuck you” is also effective.

This is true.

While it may represent an ideal of civility, it's hard to wish someone well when you don't believe their 'truth', they've treated you with contempt, and worst of all they've disregarded and hurt your children. Nice idea but I find Tinsel's alternative option compelling 🤣🤣

For sure. I mean its chat gpt, not exactly "real", I just found it interesting that it knows a lot about us.

There is a course that is starting on Teachable for therapists about how best to help transwidows and explains what we go through, and talks about what not to say and helps the therapist with their biases.

I know for me I really hated when therapists tried to get me to watch movies about transwomen. Not helpful.

I've had friends say their therapist told her to "just become a lesbian," or "you aren't being supportive in this marriage."

Who is behind this and how do they know what we need?

I am seriously baffled that literally no one thinks about what happens to us mentally. No therapist, no medical profesionals or any govt bodies! Thank you Tinsel for all you have done for woman in our situation so far. I am glad I found this forum.

When i said to my therapist that this is a mental illness she didn't hesitate to correct me that it is not an illness! I still stand my ground that it is an illness whatever anyone might say and should be treated as one and not by caving into their demands of calling them with a different pronouns and accept as a different gender.

To obtain a Gender Recognition Certificate a transexual must have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria from a psychiatrist specialising in the disorder. If it's not a mental disorder then why are transexuals being given drugs & surgery on the NHS? Taxpayers shouldn't be funding extreme body modification as a lifestyle choice.

Almost every trans widow I know attempted suicide. Bit no one keeps track of those statistics. There was a woman who was running a private sub for us on reddit who died by suicide. Her husband kept pushing her and insisting that she was crazy and abusive for not accepting him as a woman.

One of the other mods told us, and that's all we knew about it. I really wish she had reached out for help, but maybe she felt like no one would help her.

My son has bullied me to try and get me to accept that he’s a woman. Since he told me, I’ve been on antidepressants and I’ve wanted to die. My heart breaks for my lovely DIL with what he’s put her through. 💔

Lots of hugs to you. You dont need to feel pressured to do anything that you dont want xxx

This is so so so sad 😞. No one wants to know or even realise what the wives, children and parents of the transitioning person are going through mentally 😞

I get the feeling that a lot of liberal people think that our suffering comes from thinking that transpeople are bad and disgusting. And while I will admit that there are some who felt this way prior to D day, because of religious beliefs maybe, most of us have no issue with with trans people in general.

Its not about that. Its about the deception, the gaslighting, the lack of respect our (ex)spouses had for us. Our consent was taken away. They purposely picked a person who they knew wasn't attracted to women or TIMs and used us as beards. Our entire relationship was a huge lie.

There are places you can go to find women who are pansexual but they chose to lie and use us as beards and to drag children into their web of lies. I would never date a woman or a trans woman and he knew that but pursued me anyway.

They also have the option to stay single or date around until they are ready to come out. No one owes you their time, love, energy or commitment or sexuality.

Ladies, how did you overcome your depression? I am so depressed it is crazy. I myself dont know how I am able to function. I tried therapy but wasn't really working for me, I ended up crying at all sessions and cannot really afford any at the moment now that we are looking to seperate. I work full time and have put my anchors as my kids and work but still I keep thinking and hoping that all this would stop and things go back to as they were 6 months back. I know thats never going to happen but i end up crying every single day :( I worry if I will be able to live alone and how. I do not have any family support in the UK. I have never felt so scared and vulnerable in my whole life of 42 years.

A trans widow with a history working in mental health with a psych degree who is getting a masters in counseling, who has helped many TWs by offering free coaching and has been in many support groups, also has a life coach certification and has been in a lot of therapy. There will be an opportunity for clinicians and TWs to be beta testers at the beginning.

What sort of support groups? I’m not aware that there are “many” groups for trans widows that are entirely female focussed . And “life coaching” is a bit woolly. For this to be effective trans widows would need to be consulted at the initial stages, to see what they need rather than via beta testing. What process has there been to consult other trans widows? I’d hate it to end up being Genspect type appeasement. There are many trans widows (not me) who could input into this and I could help by sending out a request if whoever it is gets in touch.

A very hefty dose of anti depressants is how I managed.

Is there a possibility that you could move closer to your family? I would look into that.

I would also talk to a lawyer about the money part ASAP.

If he applies for a certificate and you can get an annulment maybe you could move your kids and you to where your family is? If you moved there to be with him and he has been "female" his whole life then he had you move there in bad faith, knowing he was going to abandon you emotionally and sexually. You should be allowed to get support for yourself.

It is my opinion that healing can't start until you are able to live separately and start the divorce or annulment process. Watching them transition in the same house is traumatic.

There are quite a lot of private support groups on Facebook that are very loosely associated with Our Path. Its kind of like a rave, you have to be invited in order to keep it private and keep put the trolls and the exes.

There used to be subs on reddit and some private subs but they were shut down for being gender critical.

Yes I’m aware of that thanks. It’s not accurate though to state that there are “many” support groups and raise women’s expectations of there being more support available than there is. I’d also be cautious about calling groups of women connecting on social media “support groups” as it implies something formal. I’ve got some reservations about Our Path too but that’s another story.