Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass

If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:

Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

I'm five plus years out now and find there are still some things I struggle to "get over," specifically the deception and the effect on my children. Each year is a bit easier though. The crying stage lasted many months for me. It's a complicated grief.

Give yourself grace.

4 months is nothing. It’s still very early days. It will gradually get better though, particularly as they can always be relied on to do more and more preposterous things that kill any love you have lingering for them.

This is exactly what I am scared of, the escalation.
We've stopped having any kind of sexual relationship but as best friends, we make it work.
At least I don't have to put up with him showing me kink womens clothing anymore.
You can learn to live with it, but it comes at a price.

They always escalate.

Whether this will begin to change with transition no longer being considered to be as stunning and brave as it was in the recent past, remains to be seen.

Exactly the escalation is FAST! am surprised at the fast pace that this started escalating as soon as I found out. The boundaries that kept moving. It is awful.

Did your children understand your position or did they support him? My children dont know yet but I am really anxious about it already. What if they support him and hate me for not accepting his delusions.
I know I am being selfish here but cant stop thinking that way. I am a worrier as a person.

Many children of transitioners see their father’s nonsense for what it is.

My children rejected their father and have not seen him in years including as his "new persona."

I am sad to read this - I worked with Jackie many years ago and she was both funny and very encouraging to others.

I'm a chid of one of these men.

I'm 55; he's 82. I found out about his fetish around 3 years ago, at the time of when my DM had become physically disabled and bed/wheelchair bound, so had separate rooms.

And in no way, shape or form do I support him. He utterly disgusts me but I have to pretend all the time as he is primary carer for my DM.

I hate him.

I was worried that this would cause a rift between either my children themselves, or my children and me. Particularly at a time when being trans was heavily celebrated. However I was able to clearly tell my kids why I didn't want to stay, including why I didn't want my daughters growing up with such a sexist and retrograde model of what a 'woman' was, when they were older. At the time he managed entirely on his own to wreck contact by being self-absorbed, insensitive and frightening them (they found him 'creepy' to be around particularly to be in the bathroom and sleeping at his overnight). Even if your kids politically take his side you can present an entirely reasonable position without having to entirely expose what you really believe about whether he is a woman. It's a slow process, talking to kids as the years go by, and as with break-ups for other reasons, kids usually end up seeing who is the reliable, child-focussed grown-up, and it 100% of the time isn't these men. So I wouldn't worry, and would calmly stick to your position and be that great parent. That will be enough.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I have one child who hates their father and describes themself as estranged and one who feels guilty but still says has no need to see him. Mine haven't seen theirs for nearly ten years now. Finding out must have been hideous. I hope you managed to make a good life for yourself despite this.

Everyone makes their own choice. You're not alone in staying and making that sacrifice. I couldn't do it and I hope you can still maintain your agreement and boundaries as this goes on.

He is not out in public yet, just close family and friends but my neighbour yesterday asked me if he is inclined towards being feminine. They observed that he is carrying a women's purse in public now. The irony of that is honestly, that I do not carry a purse /handbag and neither does his mother. So wonder where this stereotypical image of a woman he gets from! Mind boggling !

I am so sorry for what you and your mum had to go through. I have read your posts (virtual hug). My children are pre teens and as you might be aware these days in the schools and unis in the UK they make it look cool and inclusive. Celebrities supporting it and what not. I am 100% disgusted by all these trans propaganda.

Stereotypes, porn, and usually a woman in their past that they particularly admired and so try to imitate.

I'm just in total shock, still after 3 years. This man couldn't have been more 'manly', typical male aggressor, volatile temper, bully, HATED watching gay TV personalities and would sneer at them in real life.

And now this. Watches trannie porn, dresses (in private) with what I would call typical porn outfits, fake boobs, wigs, make up, 6 inch platforms.

He complains of being tired cos he looks after DM but I know he's up at all hours, at night,in his kit because he charges the ring doorbell in the kitchen, so I cop an eyeful when I get notifications for their doorbell. 🤮

Yes, I have a wonderful life, despite helping my parents sort their stuff out after DMs medical episode. My DH is amazing, so supportive so I thank my lucky stars for him.

I'd be the same as your kids if my DM wasn't around. I never want to see him again, but sadly I do. 😥

How did Christmas go for everyone?
The journey in a year of our new trans family member has been quite dramatic. From a taking it slow, apparently understanding of occasional misnaming to full on anger at any slippage.
Like a cult, various family members have been cut off. There was an initial flurry a year ago with him getting in touch with relatives he hadn't previously had any direct contact with to explain the new him. Now they have already been dropped and conditions put on who can be invited to wider family events despite everyone basically responding 'you do you'

It's been a proper shit show for those hosting. Luckily, I and a sibling just remind our selves that he's always been a nasty piece of work in quite selfish ways so this is just a new variant. It was amazing what we excused in years gone by, as work or a partner or finding their way. It just becomes a bit clearer with decades to draw on.

You do a lot of reflecting with hindsight I found @Dadhouse . Unfortunately this becomes entirely Project Me, with families expected to fall in line without challenge. Glad you have a like-minded sibling to support you. I think it rather shows the fragility of this true authentic identity if any challenge, slip-up or different way of viewing it is so threatening. This sounds very controlling behaviour for you all to manage. But as I found, an awful lot of people will see it your way even if they don't say anything...

I still have new realisations about lies, over 10 years on.

Just butting in to say that @TinselAngel is correct in saying that 'Many children of transitioners see their father’s nonsense for what it is.'
However it can take time- when you are young, you so want to support your father in being happy, and nowadays kids get everything 'trans' shoved down their throats all the time at school, so it may take a few years before children can face up to it. And when you are young you don't have the words to explain the impact his behaviour has, (eg if he is ignoring normal parent/ child boundaries), and also you don't want to criticise him or upset anyone.

One of the major mistakes I think my mum made is that she was so determined to hide the truth and not to badmouth him to me, that she forgot that (initially) he had access and the coercion was off the scale.

When my children get to know, I am not going to hide my opinions and feelings towards this weird behaviour. I cannot lie to them and say I am ok with it. Hope thats the right thing to do. They are so little I worry about putting too much on them mentally. Why couldn't he let them be children and grow up in at the normal pace.

I think not having to go along with our exes beliefs about their identity and not having to reinforce them to our children are the benefit we get for leaving them.