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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Should they have told me they were trans?

178 replies

DuckDuckDiva · 18/02/2023 19:06

Or is it the same as not telling someone you have kids until after a week or so of messaging? I've been messaging a guy I met online last week. It's been 6 days of messaging. Was due to meet up tomorrow, but they've chosen to tell me now that they're trans but haven't had reassignment surgery yet. I haven't messaged back yet, and am unsure if my annoyance is justified or if I should just let it go? You'd never know by looking at them, facial hair, sounded male on the phone, big build etc (I know women can also have big builds). I'm not attracted to women, and the idea of being with someone with a vagina is not something I would consider. I'm not sure how to word my next message to them. AIBU to think they should have been clear on their profile, or told me off the bat?

For anyone who thinks I'm not genuine, I absolutely am, have been on mn for a while, but have name changed this evening. Am not here to cause a trans debate, just feel a bit duped.

OP posts:
fairypeasant · 18/02/2023 19:08

Perfectly acceptable to say "thank you for telling me, I'm not interested in vaginas sexually. I hope you find what you're looking for."

Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 18/02/2023 19:10

fairypeasant · 18/02/2023 19:08

Perfectly acceptable to say "thank you for telling me, I'm not interested in vaginas sexually. I hope you find what you're looking for."

Just feels off that I've technically been chatting to a woman all week when I'm not attracted to women. That doesn't feel OK.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 18/02/2023 19:10

You can decline a date with anyone for any reason you want or no reason at all. I'd word it politely though and wish them all the best.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 18/02/2023 19:11

He has told you? Putting it in his profile would obviously leave him vulnerable. If you're no longer interested just say so and move on.

HaPPy8 · 18/02/2023 19:11

Just say you aren’t intrested. It’s a week. Nothing lost!

countvoncount · 18/02/2023 19:11

"Wish you all the best, but this isn't what I was looking for"

BigglyBee · 18/02/2023 19:12

I don't think it's okay to do this to you, but I think it's wiser to focus on getting out of the situation with minimal drama. Does this person have your address, or know where you work?

MinnieMountain · 18/02/2023 19:12

It’s definitely off. It like they pretended to be straight.

I’ve never done OLD but presumably gay/straight is always on profiles?

Sux2buthen · 18/02/2023 19:12

No thanks, I'm straight. I wish you well

TheSnowyOwl · 18/02/2023 19:12

I can understand why they haven’t said anything and really, they haven't kept quiet for very long.

Ghostbuster2639 · 18/02/2023 19:12

I'm not attracted to women, and the idea of being with someone with a vagina is not something I would consider.

He doesn’t have a vagina.

id block personally.

Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 18/02/2023 19:12

Fair enough. Maybe me being overly sensitive. Very true that it's only a week and I hadn't met them yet.

OP posts:
TribeD · 18/02/2023 19:12

countvoncount · 18/02/2023 19:11

"Wish you all the best, but this isn't what I was looking for"

This is perfect. Say this

Shbg · 18/02/2023 19:13

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 18/02/2023 19:11

He has told you? Putting it in his profile would obviously leave him vulnerable. If you're no longer interested just say so and move on.

Vulnerable to what? The truth? What about the women she is stringing along? Are they not the vulnerable ones in this situation, they're being catfishes.

Tell her you're not a lesbian and you're not interested.

PonyPatter44 · 18/02/2023 19:13

countvoncount · 18/02/2023 19:11

"Wish you all the best, but this isn't what I was looking for"

Exactly this. No need to be unkind, but you're NOT the person they're looking for and vice versa, so its better to cut your losses now.

I do think they should have put that in their dating profile, tbh. Its a pretty big thing.

Comedycook · 18/02/2023 19:14

I don't think they've done anything wrong in all honesty. You haven't been talking for very long and they have told you. They haven't kept it secret. Like a pp said, they may not have wanted to put it on their profile. I wouldn't be too upset.

soboredtonight · 18/02/2023 19:14

I think they have told you before meeting so they are obv open to being upfront.

In my opinion they should of said straight off to avoid this type of situation. It's worth being honest with them why you don't want to meet.

MySugarBabyLove · 18/02/2023 19:14

I think telling you prior to meeting up is fair enough.

If he hadn’t told you until you’d met up then you would have reason to be annoyed.

But it’s like having children or a disability. The instant you put that on your profile you open yourself up for all kinds of abuse.

It’s perfectly understandable that he hasn’t told you from the outset. And he will absolutely know that it doesn’t work for everyone, hence why he’s told you.

MsVestibule · 18/02/2023 19:14

Really, she should have it in her profile that she's trans, or mention it in the first message. It's kind of a big deal for most people and I wouldn't want to waste my time chatting to somebody I know I won't be attracted to in person. (I also think somebody who had children should mention it in their first message - I understand that some people don't want to put that in their profile for safety reasons, though.)

Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 18/02/2023 19:14

PonyPatter44 · 18/02/2023 19:13

Exactly this. No need to be unkind, but you're NOT the person they're looking for and vice versa, so its better to cut your losses now.

I do think they should have put that in their dating profile, tbh. Its a pretty big thing.

Show quote history

Sure, thank you. I was never planning on being unkind or reacting aggressively.

OP posts:
Mardyface · 18/02/2023 19:14

It's just a really obvious version of what everyone does online i.e. hide things about themselves until they know you better. I don't think it's bad behaviour and I can see why someone would do it too. Of course I can see why you are disappointed and even feel duped but it isn't like they met you or you were just about to have sex. And of course you can leave it there for any reason you want.

Kranke · 18/02/2023 19:15

You don’t need an excuse. It doesn’t matter if they had children and didn’t tell you, weren’t a natural blonde and didn’t tell you, were impotent and didn’t tell you. If you don’t find them attractive and don’t want to see them anymore you don’t have to. A lot of people say don’t talk about some things on a first date (children/exes/etc), some people won’t mind not being told everything right away and some people will. Some people may not want to date someone with children, or someone who has a vagina, or any reason at all. Some people don’t put on their profile they’re a racist, but turn out to be when you’re on a date with them!!

UrsulaPandress · 18/02/2023 19:15

Isn’t there a dating app specially for Transfolk?

Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 18/02/2023 19:16

UrsulaPandress · 18/02/2023 19:15

Isn’t there a dating app specially for Transfolk?

Probably but I guess that would limit trans folk to meeting only other trans folk.

OP posts:
Fakecrazy · 18/02/2023 19:17

Just say you're heterosexual and you resent them wasting your time.

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