Should they have told me they were trans?

[DuckDuckDiva]

Or is it the same as not telling someone you have kids until after a week or so of messaging? I've been messaging a guy I met online last week. It's been 6 days of messaging. Was due to meet up tomorrow, but they've chosen to tell me now that they're trans but haven't had reassignment surgery yet. I haven't messaged back yet, and am unsure if my annoyance is justified or if I should just let it go? You'd never know by looking at them, facial hair, sounded male on the phone, big build etc (I know women can also have big builds). I'm not attracted to women, and the idea of being with someone with a vagina is not something I would consider. I'm not sure how to word my next message to them. AIBU to think they should have been clear on their profile, or told me off the bat?

For anyone who thinks I'm not genuine, I absolutely am, have been on mn for a while, but have name changed this evening. Am not here to cause a trans debate, just feel a bit duped.

And the idea that anyone might 'work around' their sexuality and what sex of person they're attracted to really seems fucking egregiously offensive to me, tbh.

Sorry to answer your question, OP, yes this person should be upfront about their sex and trans identity.

Yes and this person clearly put 'male' so showed up when I was swiping...

Yep. Dishonest.

Misgendering

No, there's no compulsion on anyone to adopt gender ideology beliefs or practices. I'm a gender atheist and so are the majority of ordinary people.

The individual concerned has just explained to the OP that she's female, not the male she presented as, so she/ her is appropriate in my belief system which is based in biology and material reality.

You can hold your gender beliefs, your religious beliefs, your belief in astrology or whatever, but you can't compel me to believe them or to utter anything that would indicate that I believe in them. That's compelled speech and it's not a good look.

Maybe there should be dating apps where you have to categorically state things? What sort of things should people have to state? Should you have to state impotency, infertility, disability, whether you have children, etc., before you have even been on a date?

Should it be up to you on your profile to state what you don’t want? This might be a better way as then people know who to reply to.

For example:
I’m a transman who wants to meet a biological woman between 25-35yrs old, no children, no future children as I’m impotent. Must have long red hair, and weigh between 60-80kg, height between 155-170cms. Must like musicals and jigsaws

I’m a biological woman, I would like to meet a biological women of South American origin, who wants more than one child, must work in a professional job and earn over $120k a year. Must like red wine, tofu, and pop punk music. Optionally I’d prefer they disagreed with Brexit, but has a strong unionist view.

You're being disingenuous. The sex of your partner is literally the first and most important thing when most people are dating.

Not for everyone. There are a lot of things people don’t want as a partner and it’s not just sex.

This is what happens when dating apps to try make people behave honestly about their sex:

www.canberratimes.com.au/story/8034692/trans-woman-sues-female-social-media-site/

@Kranke those people would be bisexual. If you're gay or straight (homo or hetero sexual) then it's pretty much the first thing you'd need to know. Because it's about the orientation of your attraction. It's not a choice or a matter of a list of characteristics of a person who might be male or female.

No, you really are. You can't really compare someone not disclosing that they don't like tofu to someone who hasn't been honest about the fact that they are the opposite sex to the one they've presented as. You're being ridiculous.

Woman are allowed and encouraged to have hard boundaries.

awhile back I was chatting up a cute butch Lesbian, it was going swimmingly until she referred to herself as "he". Well that dried up any sense of attraction I felt. And was honest.
She protested she wasn't a trans-identifying woman ( trans man). But liked to refer to herself as male with her male buddies.
I was honest back; I love women and dated butch, androgynous and feminine lesbians. Identyfing as a male is a libido - killer for me.
And that's totally fine!
Ladies you are entitled to set your sexual boundaries. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Getting surgery doesn't turn you into a woman, you're just a man with surgery and hormones.
And Lesbians aren't interested. Full stop.

Tbh I think these people will struggle to date. Women looking for men want an actual man 99% of the time. And not one with fake breasts who wears dresses either. So trans of either sex are a no I'd say. For the majority of people.

Men are hardly difficult to find. Op doesn't need to accommodate a transman, pre or post surgery.

And while I'm here, I think trans people should be clear ASAP about who they are. I don't think waiting days is acceptable really.

Agree with all of this.

I agree with this. My sexual orientation is straight so that rules out transmen and my sexual preferences include masculine men so that rules out transwomen.
Sexual orientation is the thing that people need to be honest about the most. As PP have said, it's dishonest to let someone think you are the opposite sex to your actual sex.
Preferences come after.

Wasn’t this in AIBU or chat to start with? Why has it moved when it’s about meeting someone on a dating site, not a feminist discussion? Does everything involving a trans person get shoved over here?

OP I agree with you, they lied to you about the most important criteria of being a match for you. I’m not surprised you were upset.

As for the idea that because you liked talking to them online you should forget you like men and decide to like them, or should date them if they are having mutilating surgery in the future, how ridiculous can you get. OP is a straight female who wants to date a male, not another female.

OP it’s fair enough you are annoyed about this person lying to you.

’Dating’ is a euphemistic word for ‘having a sexual relationship with’ or ‘testing to have a sexual relationship with’ someone. Having a sexual relationship relates to our sex and our sex organs.

Its very different to other relationships, like friendships or working relationships.
Anyone who tries to suggest a person’s sex and your own sexual orientation is not central to your having a sexual relationship with them, is trying to gaslight you.

I would be really annoyed if someone told any lie on their dating profile and if I was in your position I would want to express my annoyance at being deliberately misled and having my time wasted.

If there is ONE category on a dating app that comes before all other categories and supersedes them, it's the sex of the people you're interested in.

Ladies you are entitled to set your sexual boundaries. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

This, all day long.

This is something the app can easily fix if everyone uses correct terminology.

I am a: man, woman, transman, transwoman. (select one)
Intersted in men, women, transmen, transwomen, (select all applicable).
It doesn't necessarily need to be declared publicly on the profile, just the app should offer candidates only when mutual interest is possible.

Yes, good point. Easy fix. All sorted.

It was in AIBU. Then mn hid it and deleted my account and said their system flagged me up as linking to several pbp (I've been here a while and never been banned until the one time I post about a trans person). Had to email them to reinstate me and my post and they moved it over here even though I would prefer it to remain in AIBU.