Should they have told me they were trans?

[DuckDuckDiva]

Or is it the same as not telling someone you have kids until after a week or so of messaging? I've been messaging a guy I met online last week. It's been 6 days of messaging. Was due to meet up tomorrow, but they've chosen to tell me now that they're trans but haven't had reassignment surgery yet. I haven't messaged back yet, and am unsure if my annoyance is justified or if I should just let it go? You'd never know by looking at them, facial hair, sounded male on the phone, big build etc (I know women can also have big builds). I'm not attracted to women, and the idea of being with someone with a vagina is not something I would consider. I'm not sure how to word my next message to them. AIBU to think they should have been clear on their profile, or told me off the bat?

For anyone who thinks I'm not genuine, I absolutely am, have been on mn for a while, but have name changed this evening. Am not here to cause a trans debate, just feel a bit duped.

@MiniEggsz
suggest adding to your profile that you're looking for a lesbian relationship, that way you aren't wasting anyone else's or your own time.

No, not on...As a Lesbian I can tell you MiniEggsz, Lesbians aren't attracted to people with beards who want to be men.
Kindly don't speak for us.

Generalising here somewhat, but if you're on a dating site, I'm assuming you're looking for a physical relationship and possibly one that has long term potential?

It's already a minefield, but to throw into conversation that you are trans and expecting the other person to happily accept this is not acceptable.

If you're trans, own it. Don't hide the fact. You can't expect others to accept it if you can't be open about it.

I couldn't care less what someone's orientation is, or how they identify, but I do care when there is a lack of honesty.

That post is so many layers of concerning. I cannot articulate it all and I don’t want to be deleted.

Same.

'Why don't you see if the person will have life changing and risky surgery with an ineffective outcome, followed statistically by more surgery and a potential lifetime of medication and side effects and then see if you can have sex with them.'

It's just catfishing.
I don't care whether its for an hour, a day, or a week, DON'T DO IT.

Trans ideology might preach something different, but it's based on a lies. It's damaging and destructive.

If you've put heterosexual on your account this is a gross overstep of your boundaries.

datun

It comes across as a predatory in some aspects, coercive from other aspects, and at all times beholden on anyone who even interacts with someone to have to carefully review their boundaries for that other person.

That is just the start!

And sadly, I suspect the poster will dismiss any feedback as prejudice and even hate rather than accept that it is just plain wrong.

Yep. It's not the gender identity that's the issue here, so much as the dishonesty.

It's not the gender identity that's the issue here, so much as the dishonesty.

How have we got here.

It is quite normal for a person to keep something private, like the fact they have a stoma, to themselves until they trust the person enough to share it. It is understandable.

Somehow, queer theorists and gender ideologues have managed to frame it that a person’s sex is a similarly private thing - there’s the privacy clause in the GRA- that our biological sex is something insignificant - a medical issue. A TA mother refers to her son’s sex organs as a ‘small birth defect’, that can be ‘fixed’ by surgeons.

The woman who lied about her sex in the OP is probably so steeped in that world that she doesn’t realise that this is a very niche perspective. It is disturbing for the OP to experience a close brush with a believer.

If it was me I'd be tempted to say, as diplomatically as I could, that reassignment surgery would make no difference.

The way it's worded "haven't had reassignment surgery yet" would make me worried that this person thinks that phalloplasty will make it more likely that people like women like the OP will be interested.

But phalloplasty has a massive failure rate and even "successful" phalloplasty doesn't end up with an organ that functions anything like an actual penis.

On a personal level, as a bisexual woman, I'd happily have sex with someone I fancied with a vagina or a penis, but not a neo-penis. I know too much about phalloplasty. It would feel like having sex with someone's self harm scar.

I wouldn't want to be in anyway responsible for giving a transman the impression that they'd be more datable after such drastic, risky surgery.

So I'd be as kind and as diplomatic as possible, but make it clear that the issue was that they weren't a biological man, and phalloplasty wouldn't change that.

Not sure why the OP can't just say "thank you for telling me, you're not my type, all the best for the future" and just move on.

Why should the reply contain all details like "you're just a woman; I'm not a lesbian; the failure rate of the operation is 80%; etc"?

When dealing with trans individuals just keep responses to a minimum, otherwise saying anything inferred as transphobic will lead to a lot of trouble (no doubt banned from the app etc), they might even start stalking you on social media, find out where you work (pressurize the employer to sack you). It's just not worth it.

Give a nice reply, move on and forget about it.

I wouldn't want to be in anyway responsible for giving a transman the impression that they'd be more datable after such drastic, risky surgery.

Yep.

Okay let’s cut the crap.

Why on Earth are you trying to be diplomatic or nice? This person lied to you about a fundamental thing, in the hope that you would change your mind after talking to them.

Their trans status is not your problem. They violated your boundaries by messaging you in the first place.

I would be messaging them back being very blunt: I am not attracted to trans men or liars. I will no longer be messaging you.

Job done.

On an unrelated note, the bisexual stuff is annoying me. I’m bisexual. I like my women to be women and my men to be men. I’m not interested in gender bullshit or delusional people. As is my right. Bisexuality isn’t a catch-all category. (This paragraph is not aimed at OP).

Boom 🤣

Right on my Bisexual sister!

I never said all lesbians are. My guess would be it is probably a minority of lesbians that would be interested. But only a lesbian or bisexual woman would be interested. No heterosexual woman would be because they're not same sex attracted.
Not speaking on behalf of lesbians. But this individual is seeking a lesbian relationship. I can understand why lesbians would not be attracted to a female with beards who want to be men, and nobody owes this individual anything. And even if I didn't- not my business. However, should this transman find a woman, it would be a lesbian relationship. That is what this individual is seeking. Will they get it? Who knows. But that wasn't my point.

@MiniEggsz
read @DinosaurBaby baby's post and pay attention Bisexuals and Lesbians aren't interested in trans partners. This is a very important point.
Realistically trans people's dating pools are extremely small and pretty much each other.
Young people need to know this.

I agree as a bisexual woman I’m just not interested in trans people. I like women because they are women and I like men because they are men. When things start getting all weird and mixed up I lose interest. They both feel very different. Women have softer skin, they have a different natural smell, and their bone structure is entirely different. Don’t get me started on the fact that trans people have a very strong tendency to be know it alls and tend to lean towards very incompatible thought processes.

In my bisexual world women having a vagina even if unseen is a fundamental part of my attraction towards her. I like them because they are soft gentle and feminine even if they don’t necessarily dress feminine. A man having a penis is a fundamental part of my attraction to him. I like them because they are rough, protective and masculine.

Trans people will say it’s a ‘genital fetish’. Maybe it is? But who cares what they think? It’s a VERY VERY universal fetish if that is the case. 😂

It’s not anyone’s job to assuage their frustration with the extremely tiny dating pool that they themselves chose to fling themselves into.

Jesus a phalloplasty is in no way anything like a real penis. I would not be in any way interested in anyone who thought that such surgery was in any way desirable.

Trans people will say it’s a ‘genital fetish’. Maybe it is?

The thing is, that a ‘fetish’ is a dysfunction where someone has a compulsive attraction to a symbolic substitute of the thing itself, even at the expense of the actual thing.

The thing itself - the sex organs, the organs of sex, are not a replacement, they are the thing.

You could always say you have a confession to make too, that you're also trans and see how she feels about a shenis.

These are the same people that would pull people up for "kink shaming" any other fetish. Such hypocrisy.

Apologies @DinosaurBaby I said something about bi without thinking it through. I used it as a lazy way of saying what I wanted to say, but it wasn’t right. Sorry.

No, she's lied to you and she knows it.
If it were me, even if I was bisexual and interested in other women's vaginas, I am not interested in liars, and I'd say that.

Feel privileged that he's trusted you with his secret.

It's hardly going to be a secret the minute they meet up, though, is it? It's not like keeping certain things about your body private, or not mentioning disabilities or whatever, which could plausibly remain private until the point that you want to disclose them. It's not a secret that certain people are trusted with! It's a lie that will be blatantly obvious as soon as they meet. So it's not so much 'trusting her with his secret' as telling her before they meet so that it's not a surprise on the day. But it's hardly a secret.

It's not a secret, it's a lie

This thread is baffling. Especially the 'wait and see if he gets a penis'

SHE will never have a penis.

And I wouldn't want a rolled up, stitched up piece of peeled off arm skin with a mechanical pump inside it anywhere near my vagina 🤢