Should they have told me they were trans?

[DuckDuckDiva]

Or is it the same as not telling someone you have kids until after a week or so of messaging? I've been messaging a guy I met online last week. It's been 6 days of messaging. Was due to meet up tomorrow, but they've chosen to tell me now that they're trans but haven't had reassignment surgery yet. I haven't messaged back yet, and am unsure if my annoyance is justified or if I should just let it go? You'd never know by looking at them, facial hair, sounded male on the phone, big build etc (I know women can also have big builds). I'm not attracted to women, and the idea of being with someone with a vagina is not something I would consider. I'm not sure how to word my next message to them. AIBU to think they should have been clear on their profile, or told me off the bat?

For anyone who thinks I'm not genuine, I absolutely am, have been on mn for a while, but have name changed this evening. Am not here to cause a trans debate, just feel a bit duped.

You’re not being overly sensitive OP.

Exactly!

Exchanging a few messages back and forth with someone is not signing a contract.

He told you a few days in. You’re not interested. Job done!

Try not to get overinvested in people you don’t know!

I'd be very upset if someone wasn't forthcoming about this.

I think the OP is saying 'should I say something about being duped?' rather than 'how can I avoid hurting the feelings of the person who duped me?'

OP, I think you should say something but I'm not sure what. I am gender critical and a feminist and for those reasons generally consider FTM to be as much victims as perps. It's really hard - if you say 'I don't like female bodies' you might feel that you are tacitly saying 'so get surgery' which, if you feel as I do about the whole issue, would be awful.

But it IS crap that you've been pulled in and she does need to know that her body dysmorphia does not trump everyone else's feelings.

How about 'I am not attracted to women's bodies and if I'm honest I wish you'd mentioned this before. I know that some women don't feel as I do but I think everyone will appreciate have the full picture sooner rather than later. Wishing you all the best, sure you'll find someone lovely soon' or something like that?

Thanks for this. I just don't know how to reply but equally think not replying at all is pretty shitty!

FYI my post was hidden for some reason and my account Banned after I posted this but it is all cleared now. Never been banned from mn before so no idea why that happened!

I would say - it has been lovely messaging with you, but that changes things for me. Wishing you all the very best and take care. Good luck - something like that.

Yes, I think they should have had this on their profile. Your feelings of having been lied to are entirely valid. Its not the same as someone not mentioning they have children - it's a fundamental part of human sexual attraction.

They may consider themselves male, but they don't get to dictate how everyone else perceives them.

Is the person a woman?

As a trans woman, I feel I need to speak up. I don't advertise that I'm trans to just everyone. IF I find someone I'm comfortable with and think the relationship might go somewhere, then I would tell them, as it's only fair that they know. He obviously feels that there might be some chemistry starting to develop, so he's chosen to tell you. Feel privileged that he's trusted you with his secret. I get that you're not comfortable with him having the body of a woman, even if only part of it. And that's okay too. If you were comfortable with him before finding out, then maybe you might be able to work around that, but maybe not. It's not easy being trans. If you think that you would be okay if he had a penis, rather than a vagina, then ask if he's planning to make the change, and if he has a time frame for it. If the answers are ones you can accept, it might be worth waiting for.

Sounds like you've got some good advice OP. As an older lesbian I feel so sorry for younger people having to navigate all this with the fear of being piled on / criticised if they say no to someone who they just don't fancy as they're the wrong sex.

I think she should have told you as soon as you started messaging. For most straight women this is not what they're looking for, so it's wasting your time and feels really icky tbh.

I'd tell her personally that you wish she had been honest from the outset.

@NixieRose all of this persons body is female. The OP isn't going to change her sexuality and "work around" that fact.

If you think that you would be okay if he had a penis, rather than a vagina, then ask if he's planning to make the change, and if he has a time frame for it. If the answers are ones you can accept, it might be worth waiting for

She could. Or she could find a man instead, as that's what she was looking for.

@NixieRose it doesn't work! Straight people are attracted to the opposite sex. And very specific attractions within that, all sorts of things make it work for people, but not sexual orientation. If you are gay you attracted to same sex, if you are bi then you are attracted to both. But straight people don't usually change orientation to fancy same sex people. You can't make a change from not having a penis to having one. The surgery is not that sophisticated. Even then, hormones, pheromones, so many things make the difference.

The person is being fairly upfront about it (pretty much giving you the opportunity to back out), I would go back and say that you appreciate their honesty and consideration but you're just not into that type.

Pressuring someone, even unintentionally, into getting a hugely invasive, complex cosmetic surgery feels unconscionable to me!
What if they went through all that and you still found you didn’t want to interact with what they’ve had surgically constructed?

So I agree with ActiveDiscus, healthier for all just to be honest and pursue what we actually want, which for straight women, is going to be male-man with a working penis.

Misgendering

Phalloplasties leave the recipient with a roll of flesh that looks nothing like a penis and behaves even less like one. Your would-be lover is very unlikely to ever have this op, nor should she as the complication rate is around 80% for something which is effectively useless.

Helen Staniland said something in passing on The Mess a while ago about all the young trans kids actually having no idea what a normal penis is like because they've never met one. We know young people are having very little sex these days, so it does seem possible. Likely, even. So, anyone who knows what a cock is and likes them will not be wanting to get close & personal with a surgically created one. I sure as hell wouldn't.

I'd get out of this situation politely, as I would whoever the other person was

"Thanks for clarifying however I don't want to take things further as I'm looking for a relationship with a biological man."

They don't want to date other trans folk, they want the validation of dating biological women and biological men.

If someone is doing online dating, isn't the very first thing they put in their sex and what sex they are interested in dating? So presumably you'd put in that you're looking for males, OP?

My post was deleted. Apparently giving an honest assessment of the surgery is not acceptable.

But encouraging someone to undertake mutilating surgery is.