Should they have told me they were trans?

[DuckDuckDiva]

Or is it the same as not telling someone you have kids until after a week or so of messaging? I've been messaging a guy I met online last week. It's been 6 days of messaging. Was due to meet up tomorrow, but they've chosen to tell me now that they're trans but haven't had reassignment surgery yet. I haven't messaged back yet, and am unsure if my annoyance is justified or if I should just let it go? You'd never know by looking at them, facial hair, sounded male on the phone, big build etc (I know women can also have big builds). I'm not attracted to women, and the idea of being with someone with a vagina is not something I would consider. I'm not sure how to word my next message to them. AIBU to think they should have been clear on their profile, or told me off the bat?

For anyone who thinks I'm not genuine, I absolutely am, have been on mn for a while, but have name changed this evening. Am not here to cause a trans debate, just feel a bit duped.

This is absolutely terrible.

Thank goodness you had the sense to ask him to tell his bosses first

Ah. I think screenshot working now for those who don't want to click twitter.

Yes, sage advice from mum!

well done
@Arthurflecksfacepaint and fingers crossed by following directions from his boss your DS has avoided any work
place repercussions.
Sad that he is still dealing with abusive messages tho - perhaps the message-writer needs a visit from one of DS’s colleagues?

Awful situation for your son @Arthurflecksfacepaint
Thank goodness he felt able to approach you for advice and that you were so savvy.

Ds worked so hard to get into the police, it’s all he ever wanted to do.

So there was no way we were going to let anything like this have the potential to mess it up for him. He knows from work how easy it is to have allegations thrown against you so he was just at a loss of what to say or do for the best.

It’s all logged with his work. He never replied to any of the messages so from his end, he’s done nothing wrong. There’s no law against blocking someone. In fact, they said ds should think about reporting them for the vile massages they sent after ds blocked them, but he just wanted it over.

I just wanted to make sure it was all above board with work as they new he was an officer and the force he’s with just incase. People can be vindictive.

Arthurflecksfacepaint

Stroke of genius to run it past his bosses first, though. Well done for the advice.

Because no matter what nonsense this other person constructs, his bosses know it's fake.

It removes all the power. Well done.

And aside from sexual attraction a very high proportion went to have biological children with their partner. TRAs always like to gloss over that part.

A friend of mine thought it was overkill telling him to speak to work, as all that had happened at first was that they had told ds over text that they were trans.

He just didn’t know how to respond and given
his job, you never know the repercussions of how you word things.

He said he felt a bit daft approaching his boss at first, but he said he was put at ease immediately and told that it’s really common for officers to take advice on how to respond to personal situations which they felt uncomfortable with.

Anyway, when they found him again and started sending abusive messages, he was so glad he had taken my advice and work knew about it all from the offset.

He said he felt a bit daft approaching his boss at first, but he said he was put at ease immediately and told that it’s really common for officers to take advice on how to respond to personal situations which they felt uncomfortable with.

yeah, I guess if you're public facing, you've got to make sure you're dotting the I's and crossing the T's.

😱 Yikes! Check out the deletion message. I think these guidelines need revising post WORIADS

hmmm
I'm wondering if the transwoman who suggested that op might consider hanging around for the 'post-surgery penis' would be willing to accept a woman who has had phalloplasty surgery in their dating pool?

I'm gender critical ; men cannot become women. It's a protected belief under British law.
I was tricked into arranging a coffee date with another Lesbian from an online dating site. A 6ft man showed up.
I being only 5"2 and 45kg felt unable to publically vent my anger.
I warned my Lesbian social group about this and from then on put "I'm a bio woman and only seeking bio women" in my profile.

I'd reply "Not interested. Absolute integrity is a prime requirement, you failed."

I've had posts deleted because of this but I've seen other posts, apparently, stay. So, I'd found it a bit confusing. I thought it was due to context or it was okay if it wasn't addressed at a particular individual, though I'm unlikely to target someone. We'll, nice to have some clarification

No. Winter was correctly gendering. You can talk as you please, but don’t try to force others to do the same.

A friend of mine thought it was overkill telling him to speak to work, as all that had happened at first was that they had told ds over text that they were trans.
*
He just didn’t know how to respond and given
his job, you never know the repercussions of how you word things.

He said he felt a bit daft approaching his boss at first, but he said he was put at ease immediately and told that it’s really common for officers to take advice on how to respond to personal situations which they felt uncomfortable with.

Anyway, when they found him again and started sending abusive messages, he was so glad he had taken my advice and work knew about it all from the offset.*
*
*
Interesting considering how totally captured by Stonewall many police forces are, with their rainbow squad cars and dancing along at pride marches.
Perhaps they are TWAW in the streets but not in the sheets as they say 🤔

A 'workaround' is something you might figure when one of you wants a curry and the other a pizza.

That woman will always be a woman. She'll never have a penis. And, as such, I wouldn't be interested either. Ever. At all.

I had no idea until the above why my posts kept being deleted. It's a protected philosophy under UK law. Haven't the mods read about Maya's case....

Agree this is covered by EA but as mumsnet is neither your employer nor providing goods/ services to you I don't think this falls within the scope of the act

Ah very true, but they have advertisers who are very keen to sell me their goods and services.
So Mumsnet don't piss off the women who have Massive Buying Power,!

Some years back I was online dating and met a man I'd been getting on with via messaging. He turned out to be in a wheelchair. Now I can understand why he'd been reluctant to mention this, but it didn't feel quite in the spirit somehow. I ended up having a nice evening but he was way too posh for me.

At a similar time a friend met up with a disabled guy who told her before they first met that he would always be in a wheelchair and he totally understood if she didn't want to pursue it. They are now happily married with two kids.

Interesting to compare the two approaches.

I agree with those who say the vastly reduced dating pool just isn't made clear enough to young people. Mammals reproduce sexually. Sexual attraction is blunt, primal and not at all subtle. Hence why I think all school children should visit farms to see just how gender fluid cattle are (and where their dinner comes from).

I'd assume the men are just after a shag. Not classy, but I'm not sure exactly how the women ('trans men') are being wronged: if for them 'gay men' means men who fancy someone who identifies as a man, then that's what they're getting. Works out for everyone - except perhaps the gay men whose clubs get filled up with straight people.

She certainly does. It's a pre-op transman.

The good ones generally aren't those forcing or deceiving their way into places they're not wanted.