Page 4 | Should they have told me they were trans?

DuckDuckDiva · 2023-02-18T19:06:05+00:00

Or is it the same as not telling someone you have kids until after a week or so of messaging? I've been messaging a guy I met online last week. It's been 6 days of messaging. Was due to meet up tomorrow, but they've chosen to tell me now that they're trans but haven't had reassignment surgery yet. I haven't messaged back yet, and am unsure if my annoyance is justified or if I should just let it go? You'd never know by looking at them, facial hair, sounded male on the phone, big build etc (I know women can also have big builds). I'm not attracted to women, and the idea of being with someone with a vagina is not something I would consider. I'm not sure how to word my next message to them. AIBU to think they should have been clear on their profile, or told me off the bat? For anyone who thinks I'm not genuine, I absolutely am, have been on mn for a while, but have name changed this evening. Am not here to cause a trans debate, just feel a bit duped.

Datun · 19/02/2023 01:39

Of course it matters, it's nothing like I only eat tofu, or I have a disability. Those things relate to sexual preference. The sex of a person relates to sexual orientation.

And it's an immediate exclusion.

If you are heterosexual, you're not going to give a flying fuck about the characteristics of the other person if they are the same sex as you. They could be absolutely perfect - none of it matters in terms of a romantic relationship.

And what on earth is the point of them not being upfront? They're never going to attract a person of the wrong sexual orientation, so why bother. Just to be validated in their gender identity? How self-serving can you get?

OneMorePlant · 19/02/2023 04:49

NixieRose · 18/02/2023 20:29

As a trans woman, I feel I need to speak up. I don't advertise that I'm trans to just everyone. IF I find someone I'm comfortable with and think the relationship might go somewhere, then I would tell them, as it's only fair that they know. He obviously feels that there might be some chemistry starting to develop, so he's chosen to tell you. Feel privileged that he's trusted you with his secret. I get that you're not comfortable with him having the body of a woman, even if only part of it. And that's okay too. If you were comfortable with him before finding out, then maybe you might be able to work around that, but maybe not. It's not easy being trans. If you think that you would be okay if he had a penis, rather than a vagina, then ask if he's planning to make the change, and if he has a time frame for it. If the answers are ones you can accept, it might be worth waiting for.

Are you having a laugh? "Feel priviledged" for being misled and lied to?

No. It's not ok. I get being trans has it's issues, but if you're on a dating app you start with that instead of leading people on and wasting their time.

And she will never have a penis no matter how much you all try to pretend.

MeanCanadianLady · 19/02/2023 05:00

It’s a grey area I think. I think you’re entitled to your feelings. I would be mad too. I also understand why they kept it secret though. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to feel angry. It feels a little dishonest doesn’t it?

4plusthehound · 19/02/2023 05:04

DuckDuckDiva · 18/02/2023 19:12

Fair enough. Maybe me being overly sensitive. Very true that it's only a week and I hadn't met them yet.

This is not on.

All people should have freedom of choice.

You were lied to basically.

Not a good feeling made worse by the supposed vunerability on their side.

I would be annoyed.

4plusthehound · 19/02/2023 05:10

NixieRose · 18/02/2023 20:29

As a trans woman, I feel I need to speak up. I don't advertise that I'm trans to just everyone. IF I find someone I'm comfortable with and think the relationship might go somewhere, then I would tell them, as it's only fair that they know. He obviously feels that there might be some chemistry starting to develop, so he's chosen to tell you. Feel privileged that he's trusted you with his secret. I get that you're not comfortable with him having the body of a woman, even if only part of it. And that's okay too. If you were comfortable with him before finding out, then maybe you might be able to work around that, but maybe not. It's not easy being trans. If you think that you would be okay if he had a penis, rather than a vagina, then ask if he's planning to make the change, and if he has a time frame for it. If the answers are ones you can accept, it might be worth waiting for.

Feel privileged that he's trusted you with his secret.

This whole post is bonkers but this quote here is off the charts.

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 19/02/2023 05:12

Absolutely no acceptable OP.

It’s OK to have boundaries. It’s OK to say they haven’t been honest and it’s OK to say you are only attracted to adult, human, males.

That’s the truth isn’t it?

QueenHippolyta · 19/02/2023 06:58

My previous posts about being a Lesbian and some years ago lied to on a dating site and subsequently meeting a 6ft trans-identifying man were deleted.
Let's just say I was angry; my sexuality is female only and I was VERY intimidated to turn this person down. So I had coffee.

I am not attracted to men, whatsoever.
Perhaps it would be better to tell young would be trans the truth;
your dating pool is probably only each other.

EndlessTea · 19/02/2023 07:56

QueenHippolyta · 19/02/2023 06:58

My previous posts about being a Lesbian and some years ago lied to on a dating site and subsequently meeting a 6ft trans-identifying man were deleted.
Let's just say I was angry; my sexuality is female only and I was VERY intimidated to turn this person down. So I had coffee.

I am not attracted to men, whatsoever.
Perhaps it would be better to tell young would be trans the truth;
your dating pool is probably only each other.

That sounds frightening. Especially knowing how much physical and social power he had over you. Even your posts about it on a female-centred website get deleted.

QueenHippolyta · 19/02/2023 08:10

That was exactly my situation @EndlessTea
I wanted to tell them it wasn't on and walk away...but I'm 157cm and 47k
Men are biologically bigger and intimidating.
It's a fact. How do I know who is a good male.
Do they wear signs?

Helleofabore · 19/02/2023 08:17

DuckDuckDiva

This person was not honest with you from the start.

While I am sure trans people feel they have a right to their privacy, going onto a dating app where there is an expectation of forming a relationship (of any duration) that will lead to sex and hiding their trans status is dishonest to the prospective partner.

Apps should have the ability to clearly state that you are not interested in a particular sex and a user should expect people to stick to that. Because here the sex category of a person is relevant and important.

Those who want to believe everyone should be ‘open to having their sexual boundaries ignored’ need to own that that is and abusive expectation. Just because some people are ‘pansexual’ doesn’t mean everyone else should be or made to feel that is aspirational.

You have every right to be angry OP. This was a boundary violation. Did the app allow you to state you were interested in males only? If so, it was a deliberate boundary violation.

FebName · 19/02/2023 08:18

Online dating is hard enough without people lying on it!

I'd be very angry if this happened to me. You've wasted time "talking" to a person you thought was a man.

You're not a lesbian, what a big waste of time for you.

There's no "being kind" here, she blatantly lied on her profile that she was a man. She's NOT.

I'd delete without even the courtesy of a reply. She'll know why you deleted.

It's exactly the same as a man pretending to be a woman trying to date a lesbian.

Original poster

DuckDuckDiva · 19/02/2023 08:21

Helleofabore · 19/02/2023 08:17

DuckDuckDiva

This person was not honest with you from the start.

While I am sure trans people feel they have a right to their privacy, going onto a dating app where there is an expectation of forming a relationship (of any duration) that will lead to sex and hiding their trans status is dishonest to the prospective partner.

Apps should have the ability to clearly state that you are not interested in a particular sex and a user should expect people to stick to that. Because here the sex category of a person is relevant and important.

Those who want to believe everyone should be ‘open to having their sexual boundaries ignored’ need to own that that is and abusive expectation. Just because some people are ‘pansexual’ doesn’t mean everyone else should be or made to feel that is aspirational.

You have every right to be angry OP. This was a boundary violation. Did the app allow you to state you were interested in males only? If so, it was a deliberate boundary violation.

This is the thing though. On this app there is an option to put whether you are male, female or trans male or trans female (I think there are also other options) so they obviously put 'male' and I haven't ticked that I want to see trans profiles. Just male.

OP posts:

DrDinosaur · 19/02/2023 08:24

I would tell them you’re not interested in females, and that she’s setting herself up for a lot of rejection by lying on her profile.

Helleofabore · 19/02/2023 08:26

NixieRose · 18/02/2023 20:29

As a trans woman, I feel I need to speak up. I don't advertise that I'm trans to just everyone. IF I find someone I'm comfortable with and think the relationship might go somewhere, then I would tell them, as it's only fair that they know. He obviously feels that there might be some chemistry starting to develop, so he's chosen to tell you. Feel privileged that he's trusted you with his secret. I get that you're not comfortable with him having the body of a woman, even if only part of it. And that's okay too. If you were comfortable with him before finding out, then maybe you might be able to work around that, but maybe not. It's not easy being trans. If you think that you would be okay if he had a penis, rather than a vagina, then ask if he's planning to make the change, and if he has a time frame for it. If the answers are ones you can accept, it might be worth waiting for.

No.

If you cannot be honest up front so that any prospective partner can make an informed choice, then a person is being deceptive when it comes to relationships where sex could be anticipated.

No amount of ‘giving it time’ should be ever advised unless a person has stated they are bisexual or happy to consider a same sex relationship.

I think Stonewall has done many people an incredibly grave disservice by even suggesting that trans people should have any kind of exemption from the sex by deception laws. To even entertain this as a concept prioritises one group needs above another.

What group of people on this planet have any right to have a higher right to sex than another group?

Stop trying to convince people to enter relationships that are clearly starting with deceit to continue. It is harmful to do so.

Helleofabore · 19/02/2023 08:29

DuckDuckDiva · 19/02/2023 08:21

This is the thing though. On this app there is an option to put whether you are male, female or trans male or trans female (I think there are also other options) so they obviously put 'male' and I haven't ticked that I want to see trans profiles. Just male.

Show quote history

So there is your answer.

That is a most deliberate boundary violation. This person has ignored your boundaries.

Of course you have a right to be angry. What other boundaries would this person ignore in any relationship you formed (even friendship)?

ArabellaScott · 19/02/2023 08:29

Yes Helleofabore. Its also arguably putting trans people at risk by encouraging attempts to deceive. Which we have heard can result in violence when uncovered.

Sex by deception is, as you note, against the law.

TWETMIRF · 19/02/2023 08:34

She's probably broken the rules of the app by lying about her sex, especially as they have a trans option. She knows she's a woman but decided to lie anyway, I wouldn't trust her with anything else. Can you block her so that she can't contact you again?

BluebellBlueballs · 19/02/2023 08:36

4plusthehound · 19/02/2023 05:10

Feel privileged that he's trusted you with his secret.

This whole post is bonkers but this quote here is off the charts.

Show quote history

Transplaining at is finest

Helleofabore · 19/02/2023 08:36

”If you were comfortable with him before finding out, then maybe you might be able to work around that, but maybe not. It's not easy being trans. If you think that you would be okay if he had a penis, rather than a vagina, then ask if he's planning to make the change, and if he has a time frame for it. If the answers are ones you can accept, it might be worth waiting for.”

Is this what groups supporting trans people are telling them is an acceptable approach?

This sounds like it has come directly from one of those seminars on how to ‘score’. Under the ‘wear down the boundaries’ section.

I am sure the poster must not realise this, but this is coercive in its nature, in my opinion.

Helleofabore · 19/02/2023 08:41

ArabellaScott · 19/02/2023 08:29

Yes Helleofabore. Its also arguably putting trans people at risk by encouraging attempts to deceive. Which we have heard can result in violence when uncovered.

Sex by deception is, as you note, against the law.

Yes. It is .

But when you have people like Tatchell involved in Stonewall. I suspect boundaries are to be explored and overcome rather than respected. Didn’t he also famously say everyone was bisexual or something? Am I remembering it wrong.

MiniEggsz · 19/02/2023 08:41

Hi... Bit surprised by your message. As it says in my profile, I'm heterosexual. I'm just not same-sex attracted. It is a bit deceptive, I suggest adding to your profile that you're looking for a lesbian relationship, that way you aren't wasting anyone else's or your own time.
Byeeeeee.

Somanyquestionstoaskaboutthis · 19/02/2023 08:47

Is there a way of reporting them on the site @DuckDuckDiva ? Apart from them being dishonest to everyone I really can’t see how they will achieve dates with any straight woman so they’re wasting their own time too.

As Hellofabore says the trans woman who posted does sound to be quoting from some weird script that people will change their boundaries and magically become bi so they will date you. Bizarre and frightening.

Helleofabore · 19/02/2023 09:07

I keep coming back to this post.

”If you think that you would be okay if he had a penis, rather than a vagina, then ask if he's planning to make the change, and if he has a time frame for it. If the answers are ones you can accept, it might be worth waiting for.”

Do some people honestly believe that this is in anyway acceptable behaviour?

That a person start a relationship based on the expectation that sometime in the future that person will have replica penis or a replica vagina and that people will wait around for that to happen??

Fuck this is a shocking read.

Firstly, is there also an expectation that the relationship continue in this time in some capacity considering a person has been up front in being heterosexual? Or have some people been led to believe it is all about gender really. That sexual orientation is gender orientation and that everyone is actually fluid in their sexual orientation?

Secondly, is there an expectation that these replicated phalluses and vaginas are ‘just like the real versions’ and should be acceptable in that a prospective partner should wait around for that miraculous surgery? Is this honestly what trans people are told by surgeons and some other trans people?

That post is so many layers of concerning. I cannot articulate it all and I don’t want to be deleted.

BluebellBlueballs · 19/02/2023 09:20

Helleofabore · 19/02/2023 08:36

”If you were comfortable with him before finding out, then maybe you might be able to work around that, but maybe not. It's not easy being trans. If you think that you would be okay if he had a penis, rather than a vagina, then ask if he's planning to make the change, and if he has a time frame for it. If the answers are ones you can accept, it might be worth waiting for.”

Is this what groups supporting trans people are telling them is an acceptable approach?

This sounds like it has come directly from one of those seminars on how to ‘score’. Under the ‘wear down the boundaries’ section.

I am sure the poster must not realise this, but this is coercive in its nature, in my opinion.

'It's not easy being trans'

So the transpersons needs should be prioritised above those of whoever they are potentially dating?

Its the implied ' so those in the potential dating pool must make it easier ' that jumps out at me

EndlessTea · 19/02/2023 09:29

It’s shocking @Helleofabore .

Is this because people spend so much time online that they think that the way things look (in pictures) is all that matters? Is it because they are so brainwashed that they have no proper connection with the primal nature of their own sexuality and their own drives?