Dad taking daughters into the ladies or disabled toilets

[MattDillonsEyebrows]

If a dad was on his own with two daughters ages 4 & 5, would you have an issue with him going into the ladies toilets with them? He says he would call out, that he is a man, and coming in with his daughters and would stay in a cubicle, and also call out when leaving the cubicle. But obviously he would need to use the sinks to wash hands.

Or would you suggest he uses the disabled toilets instead?

The reason he doesn't want to use the mens, is a) them having to walk past urinals and strange men peeing, and b) due to the all too common state of men's toilets in general and even the sit down toilet usually has pee all over the seat and is generally disgusting and he doesn't want to subject his daughters to this.

I personally wouldn't have an issue with this because I agree with his reasons for not wanting to take his daughters in there, but obviously his presence would more than likely make some women feel uncomfortable which he would not want to do.

Disabled toilet is obviously another option, but having seen some of the disabled toilet threads on here, that would also cause an issue if a disabled person was waiting. Obviously a child, is unlikely to be able to wait.

Please nobody retort with 'well the fact that men's toilet's are filthy isn't the women's problem' or similar as, whilst I agree with this sentiment, unfortunately they do tend to be gross and changing that would take huge societal change which let's face it, is not likely to happen soon.

I actually think its an inappropriate lesson to his daughters that womens boundaries don't matter.
Additionally, there are likely to be unattended girls in there not much older who are unable to stand up for themselves, whose own fathers/male relatives are waiting outside. These are the most vulnerable in that situation.

The answer is for family toilets. (And for men to learn to keep their toilets clean).

He can absolutely NOT go into the women's toilets. Just because you are ok with this doesn't mean that other women will be.

What he needs to do is what women did in the past, and what disabled people did more recently. Campaign for additional toilets for families (or go to places where there are family toilets - M&S here do).

If there are no family toilets he takes wipes and cleaning products and cleans the cubicle that he is taking his daughters to - as we will all have to do once mixed sex toilets are the only option

When the DC were younger, DH used to take them into the men’s. He wouldn’t have dreamed of going into the ladies.

By the time DD was at school and so had a smidgen of independence he would send her into the ladies on her own and hover around outside - if she was a bit slow in coming out he would ask a woman going into/coming out to check up on her.

I can’t imagine this happening! My husband has brought my 2 daughters to the mens when he is out with them as they are still young. It doesn’t seem to have been a major issue for him or then?

And you might not like people saying it, but "'well the fact that men's toilet's are filthy isn't the women's problem" - it's not.

Absolutely no to him using womens or disabled toilets.
As a disabled woman how dare anyone think its ok to give away access to my hard fought for toilets to anyone that doesn't fancy taking their kid to the mens. My daughter used mens toilets when with her dad until she was 6 and isn't traumatised by it. Dad can clean off the loo before daughter uses it. It's not that big a deal.

I don't think currently there's an acceptable solution until more businesses have family toilets. I don't think using the disabled loos or the women's loos is ok, no, for lots of reasons. But - would I personally be upset if he came into the ladies as you described, no probably not. Would I be upset if a male identifying as female came in - yes without a doubt.

I personally wouldn't mind if I was in the ladies and a man came in with his daughters. Also think it would be ok to use disabled.. probably the option I would go for if I was him.

I think he has to take them to the mens. Or send them to the women's on their own (together but without him).

I don't think men's toilets are as bad as you describe in places where they're cleaned regularly, like theatres/museums/restaurants etc. They're like you describe in pubs and similar, but is he regularly taking two young girls to the pub/a club? It seems unlikely!

The dad needs to get into the habit of carrying a pack of anti-bac wipes when he's out with his daughters.

The women's toilets aren't there for males who happen to find them more convenient than using the men's.

My DH took my daughter’s into the men’s.
He would never have gone in the ladies.

If this is a problem at a specific place, then he needs to speak to whoever manages it or source other toilets.

To add to my post above, we were happy sending 5-year-old DD into the ladies loos on her own on the basis that everyone in there would be female. Random men (including your DH, whatever his reasons for being there, and whether or not he has your DDs with him) wandering in would have made us rethink whether to send our young girl in there on her own.

DH makes a point of asking where he can change our baby's nappies. We think it's important for people to realise that men are equal caregivers too, so even if there's an obvious changing station in the women's we try to use the facilities set up for fathers as this shows the need for them. He obviously never goes into the women's and we've never had a place that wouldn't accommodate him, apart from peak covid where all nappy stations were closed.

If we have a daughter he will be showing her how to respect other women's boundaries. Starting with modelling a grown man respecting their privacy. He will model wiping down the sea in the men's etc neatly to both male and female children. He will encourage independence whilst waiting outside and asking passing adult women to check up if need be.

He's a good role model. If he barged into the ladies what kind of model is he setting?

No. He takes them into the men's.

No adult male should be in the women's toilets.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves
That's a really good point about women's boundaries.

I feel the same as @PurplePeculiar, in that situation, I'd be ok with it but not if a man was 'identifying' as a woman. I also realise many women wouldn't be ok with it, despite the children, (which is fine), so wanted to get a general consensus.

He needs to use the mens. Amd do what women do in that when taking our children out and about and planning our day, the age and toilet needs of the children factor in on that. We just wouldn't go somewhere where the toilets were filthy and unsuitable for children.

A man's not special..he don't get to forgo this extra layer of responsibility we get when we are parents amd place it onto everyone else.

No I wouldn’t be happy.
DH always took DC into the mens.

He needs to take them to the mens and, if he thinks the male toilets are too repulsive to subject his daughters to, do something about that.

He should be finding places where the men's toilets are clean, or where there are family toilets/baby change with a toilet.

If there aren't enough family toilets then he can add his weight to campaigns to create them. Just like the Changing Places campaign did/do to get larger toilets with hoists and other accessibility aids for adults/children with severe disabilities.

Think of it the other way - would it be ok for a mum to take her son into the men's toilet? Not really.

I've just had another thought, by the way.

If the hypothetical man can't take his toddler daughter into the men's because the cubicles are too dirty, how can he take his toddler son? After all, boys have to sit until they are tall enough to stand to use the loo. Are people suggesting it's ok for men with children of any sex to come into the women's?

For those of you who don't mind, it's incredibly selfish to think you can give permission to take away the rights of the many women who do.

We have twin girls and dh took them into me toilets and change rooms until around age 7. He never raised this as an issue and wouldn’t have been comfortable going into women only spaces.

What will he do when he needs the toilet while out with them? Will he take them in to the men's with him then? And if so, why is that different to him taking them with him while they go? Or will he decide its OK for him to use the women's toilets for himself as well?

Men do not belong in women's toilets.

That's all.