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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Dad taking daughters into the ladies or disabled toilets

260 replies

MattDillonsEyebrows · 22/01/2022 14:32

If a dad was on his own with two daughters ages 4 & 5, would you have an issue with him going into the ladies toilets with them? He says he would call out, that he is a man, and coming in with his daughters and would stay in a cubicle, and also call out when leaving the cubicle. But obviously he would need to use the sinks to wash hands.

Or would you suggest he uses the disabled toilets instead?

The reason he doesn't want to use the mens, is a) them having to walk past urinals and strange men peeing, and b) due to the all too common state of men's toilets in general and even the sit down toilet usually has pee all over the seat and is generally disgusting and he doesn't want to subject his daughters to this.

I personally wouldn't have an issue with this because I agree with his reasons for not wanting to take his daughters in there, but obviously his presence would more than likely make some women feel uncomfortable which he would not want to do.

Disabled toilet is obviously another option, but having seen some of the disabled toilet threads on here, that would also cause an issue if a disabled person was waiting. Obviously a child, is unlikely to be able to wait.

Please nobody retort with 'well the fact that men's toilet's are filthy isn't the women's problem' or similar as, whilst I agree with this sentiment, unfortunately they do tend to be gross and changing that would take huge societal change which let's face it, is not likely to happen soon.

OP posts:
IndigoandCerulean · 22/01/2022 15:35

@Kriskristoffifee

Toilets for the disabled ffs not disabled Toilets .
I appreciate that you are probably trying to use the correct language or something, but I don't think it really matters. Do you say women's toilets or toilets for the women?

I'm disabled and I never use the disabled toilets unless it's absolutely necessary because usually I have the ability not to and some disabled people don't. I consider it extremely selfish and ablest when people who don't need to, use facilities designed and designated for disabled people.

DaftVader42 · 22/01/2022 15:35

I’ve been asked by dads to keep an eye out for their girls in the toilets as I’ve been walking in with mine. I always agree, never mind being asked, and invariably it doesn’t involve doing anything other than keeping an eye that they’re not locked in. (I also get asked to watch people’s luggage while they go to the airport toilets. (I pick up a family member so loitering at arrivals). I must look trustworthy , (or that I have nothing better to do 😁))

Men can’t go in women’s, but it’s okay to ask for help

gettingmylifetogether · 22/01/2022 15:39

@jay55

I've seen it happen once. It was at a casino in Las Vegas, he had three kids all probably under 8, the eldest didn't look old enough to help the youngest, who was probably too young to be able to hold it for long. It honestly didn't cross my mind to be upset. I fully understood he couldn't take them into the mens, which would likely be full of drunks.

Shopping centres that have decent family facility's are brilliant and we need more all in units with space for parent and multiple kids.

I think that's about the only situation in which it would be OK for a man to take his DDs into a female toilet - if the only other options were unsafe for the girls.

The feelings of the women using the ladies' toilets absolutely are important. But I can't see a single woman not prepared to put those feelings aside to keep a little girl safe from potentially aggressive and/or scary male drunks.

(Not entirely sure why there would be kids in a casino environment, but if they were there, I think you would potentially expect drunk men milling about, so like @jay55, you'd instantly get it and wouldn't be upset.)

AliceMcK · 22/01/2022 15:39

The biggest problem is the complete lack of parent friendly facilities in the uk. I had my oldest 2 children overseas where there were dedicated parent facilities everywhere you went, spaces to change babies, play areas to safely put older children while changing baby, seating areas to feed babies and parent and child toilets so there wasn’t any issues of taking girls into men’s toilets or men going into the ladies.

ldontWanna · 22/01/2022 15:46

OH mostly took DD into the mens. On the odd occasion they were really not appropriate, he used the disabled toilet. From around 7 she started going on her own in the ladies with him outside watching the door.

TeamBlondie · 22/01/2022 15:47

No. Men should not be in the womens toilets. Ever.

ladygindiva · 22/01/2022 15:51

We have 5 yo twin girls and dp does not feel right going into ladies toilets when he's out with them alone. He always uses the disabled toilets.

ladygindiva · 22/01/2022 15:53

@Kriskristoffifee

Toilets for the disabled ffs not disabled Toilets .
Well it's also toilets for males, not male toilets, or female toilets. But I don't think pointing that out actually adds anything to the debate tbh.
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 22/01/2022 15:54

At 4 and 5 can't they manage on their own. Presumably they do at school

I've never seen anyone do this. Men have their kids with them into the men's toilet

SavoyCabbage · 22/01/2022 15:56

This has already been posted three months ago. Except the op was pregnant. The calling out, the urinals, the filthy fears, it's all the same.

HardbackWriter · 22/01/2022 16:00

I don't really understand what difference it makes if the children are male or female? But in any case, no he can't use the women's toilets.

There was a dad who thought he could use the women's changing rooms at the swimming pool to change his daughters when I used to take DS1 to baby swimming. I had to complain.

Whatwouldscullydo · 22/01/2022 16:04

(Not entirely sure why there would be kids in a casino environment, but if they were there, I think you would potentially expect drunk men milling about, so like@jay55, you'd instantly get it and wouldn't be upset.)

Again though you do have to wonder why the dad's would be taking his kids, particularly girls as that's what presents the "problem " somewhere you thought they'd be drunks killing about. Go to a coffee shop buy a milkshake and a toasties to share and use their facilities or something.

What is it they think everyone else does?

MattDillonsEyebrows · 22/01/2022 16:04

At 4 and 5 can't they manage on their own. Presumably they do at school

A few people have said this, the conversation came about as we were discussion motorway service stations, which tend to be busy and you wouldn't want children that age going in by themselves.
But also I would also argue that in most cases a 4 & 5 year old can't manage on their own. My four yo couldn't wipe their bottom properly after a poo as their arms aren't long enough. At school, on the rare occasion they poo there, they tend to come home with messy pants.
Also I have rarely been to places in public, where there are sinks, taps and soap in easy reach of a five year old. I have to lift both my children to the sinks and they are not small for their ages.

OP posts:
MattDillonsEyebrows · 22/01/2022 16:05

@SavoyCabbage

This has already been posted three months ago. Except the op was pregnant. The calling out, the urinals, the filthy fears, it's all the same.
That wasn't me, sorry @SavoyCabbage. I never actually thought to check if there was already a thread. Blush
OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 22/01/2022 16:08

I don't know anyone who would send a 4&5yo alone into busy public toilets. I thought my younger DD was a little young at 7 but that 7&9yos were better together than the 9yo by herself. The actual using the toilet is the easy bit, its the locks, flushes, sinks etc. And dealing with people who shouldn't be there.

TidyDancer · 22/01/2022 16:09

@ladygindiva

We have 5 yo twin girls and dp does not feel right going into ladies toilets when he's out with them alone. He always uses the disabled toilets.
Why isn't he using the men's toilets?

This is the crux of the problem, while men think there is an alternative (even when it's actually not an acceptable alternative to the majority of people), the facilities available to them will neither expand not get any better.

In the instance in the above post, the accessible toilet is no more appropriate than the women's.

VelvetChairGirl · 22/01/2022 16:10

I wouldnt bat an eyelid he has a valid reason to be there.

I take my son into the ladies with me, he is now 11, no one has moaned if they do I will tell thm he is SEN and gets frightened in the mens and there is no way on earth I would go in the mens with him.

MiniatureHotdog · 22/01/2022 16:12

No, he must use the mens. My primary and tween age DDs sometimes use the women's toilets alone, absolutely not OK for them to be faced with a man in there. I only allow them to use the toilets alone if they're single sex.

Barbarantia · 22/01/2022 16:13

Hein ?

Dear women, budge up. Men have figured out that your toilets are convenient in multiple scenarios so you need to make way.

What am I reading?

SavoyCabbage · 22/01/2022 16:13

I can summarise it for you if you like.

The general consensus was that no, of course a man can't come into the woman's toilets. They are for women.

Lots of men look after their children and don't need to access the women's toilets to do so. Men looking after their own children is not a new concept.

Men should campaign for parents toilets if that's something they want.

Most women agreed that they would ask him to leave if they encountered him in the ladies and that the experience of such confrontation might be more traumatic for the OP's dd than the glimpse of a urinal. Or indeed a good old stare at a urinal.

The OP said she didn't care and neither did her husband and he would be doing it anyway.

It's strange that she asked really.

bluebird3 · 22/01/2022 16:13

I wouldn't have a problem with it at all.

MajesticElephant · 22/01/2022 16:14

Like a PP I am surprised people think it’s ok to send a 4-5 year old into the toilets alone. It is nothing like school, it’s a public space and there could be anyone, including males who shouldn’t be, there.

Barbarantia · 22/01/2022 16:14

Men need to honestly advocate for better toileting facilities for themselves. And for better behaviour when in private.

TooWicked · 22/01/2022 16:15

@jay55

I've seen it happen once. It was at a casino in Las Vegas, he had three kids all probably under 8, the eldest didn't look old enough to help the youngest, who was probably too young to be able to hold it for long. It honestly didn't cross my mind to be upset. I fully understood he couldn't take them into the mens, which would likely be full of drunks.

Shopping centres that have decent family facility's are brilliant and we need more all in units with space for parent and multiple kids.

Again, if a man is taking his three daughters all under the age of 8 to a casino which would be likely full of drunks Hmm he should be making better parenting choices a plan beforehand about what he’s going to do if they need to loo, that doesn’t involve him invading women’s spaces.
clarrylove · 22/01/2022 16:17

They could go into the ladies by themselves and he could wait just outside.