DD declaring she is transgender

[SystemOverloaded]

To start, please can I ask you to be gentle. I'm not in a good place; this is not due in whole to this situation, but life has been hard and I've been struggling to carry on.
DD (now 16) told me she was a lesbian at 14. Obviously this was not remotely an issue, she was told it was completely normal and she could love whoever she wanted. About 6 months later she sent me a text message (which I could tell straight away was copied and pasted in part from the Internet) declaring she was non binary and wanted us to call her by another name and use she/they. Again, fine. We didn't make it a big deal, said its fine to be whoever you want to be and we would try and remember the name they wanted. I must admit DH does slip up with this but tries not to. In all honesty I think she wanted more of a "shocked" reaction and a scene. She is part of a computer gaming group online (since 14) who I have since learned are mostly non binary/trans and have a massive influence on her. She also goes to college and I would say 80% of the class are non binary or trans -I am not over exaggerating. I have this morning found a note to me and DH in her room saying she thinks she is a trans man. I just don't know where to go with this from here. In all honesty I genuinely don't think she is trans at all. Before I get jumped on this is NOT because I don't want a trans child at all. This is because I believe she is confused, easily led and unsure about her body and is desperate to fit in with a group and be accepted. She struggled at school to find a group of friends and was lonely a lot and she does tend to mould herself around people's identity/hobbies to fit in with them. Where do I go from here? I want to be supportive but I don't believe this is what she really feels. Please help, I'm so lost and terrified if I question anything with her I will lose her and she will hate me.
I suffer with depression and OCD and diagnosed severe anxiety, I run a business and have a son with SEN. Life is a uphill struggle at the moment even with a wonderful husband and kids and I don't know how much longer I can cope. It seems easier not to be here.

No judgement here, you've been very supportive of your child's sexuality, but naturally are worried about irreversible medical implications of identity crisis.
Someone will be along with practical advice here but hope a handhold will help for now.

'It seems easier not to be here'. Please, please SystemOverloaded, talk to someone now. Samaritans, whoever.

I have no suggestions for your problems at the moment, just sending you love and

Hi OP,

There's a LGBT children board here and lots of parents are having this discussion with their children/young people. You may find that board more helpful at the moment.
All best to you and yours.

RESOURCES for PARENTS

Our Dutyis an active group of parents in the US, UK, Canada and Australia holding global meetings. They welcome all parents of dysphoric children. Our Duty is an international support network for parents who wish to protect their children from gender ideology. Join them by registering as an affected parent. ourduty.group/

One of the directors of Safe School Alliance, daughter is lesbian
safeschoolsallianceuk.net/

Resources For Parents
www.transgendertrend.com/resources-for-parents/

This article by a mother and her detrans daughter (especially the last story by the daughter herself) will give you loads of idea on what to say and do.4thwavenow.com/2016/12/17/a-mums-voyage-through-transtopia-helps-her-daughter-desist/

segm.org/
genspect.org/

PARENT’s ADVICE
Thread by Hannah Berrelli @HannahBerrelli
twitter.com/HannahBerrelli/status/1460399160558030852

Just nod and smile OP

What should be preoccupying you is the cause of her unhappiness. Lack of friends sounds key.

Encourage a part time job
A hobby
A sport

Basically - to fill her life as much as possible and open up opportunities to meet new people who perhaps aren’t all endlessly talking about their sexuality and gender

She sounds like she’s stuck in the thick of a group where this is the be all and end all

Your focus I think should be on gently easing up her involvement in this and spreading her wings in to other social settings, such as perhaps work or a hobby

This is because I believe she is confused, easily led and unsure about her body and is desperate to fit in with a group and be accepted.

I think this applies to most teenagers. The rush to affirm gender choice issues does not always help with the confusion that young people feel. I do think that gender dysmorphia has become a bit of a peg to hang all their natural questions troubles on at this difficult phase of life.

You can only reiterate that you love her/him whatever they might be (or choose to be) and that you will be beside them. If you can keep her on board then she might be more willing to discuss things with you as time goes by and hopefully listen to your mature advice.

I am so sorry that this is making you feel so low. I would second the idea of ringing the Samaritans when things get bad for you - I have done so in the past and they really are the best.

I am sue that there must be help lines regarding transgender issues and children and I hope someone on this thread or another will be able to steer you in their direction.

OP 💐sending you all the love in the world and thank you so much for starting this thread. You are not alone, you will get support here and with the other groups. the links I posted above include those by women and girls. there's so much wisdom on here.

@rogdmum fyi

First, the person who is having a really hard time is you, please be kind to yourself, this is more a final straw than a problem in itself.

So practical steps: take some time off work/hire someone else to take on the brunt of it just now - you are clearly running on empty. Then make an appointment to see your GP to make sure you have everything you can to tackle to worst of your anxiety. Can you ask friends or family to provide some respite or childcare? Does your DH know how overwhelmed you feel? You need to outsource as much as you can and get yourself into a better place.

Now onto the least important issue, your DDs identity. I would give very little oxygen to the idea of being a trans man and I would instead recognise that she is lonely, struggling to fit in and crying out for attention. Online groups are hard in that, if she was to just disappear they wouldn't really notice, the onus is on her to put herself forward to be part of things, she just wants to feel like someone cares. Can you start to sit and watch movies together, maybe work through a "100 must see" list? Just having you to herself, in a way you can handle, might help both of you and get her off the computer in the evenings.

Can you and DH also try to make her feel "seen" in ways that aren't dramatic coming outs? Does she have any other hobbies or talents that you can praise to the rafters? Widen her social circle to include genuinely diverse people and start to wean her away from the on-line group. If she brings it up, you can breezily say that she has two years before she needs to give that any more thought, then move her on to how great the cake she baked was, how wonderful her artwork is, how much of a natural she was at paddle boarding and you'll have to find her a club to join...

Best to you and your family, take care.

Ah - I see someone has posted sources of advice. Brilliant.

My DGD is in this situation so I do understand the challenges for you.

@SystemOverloaded I would like to add:

Genspect - the link here takes you to a recent webinar but explore the site:
genspect.org/conferences/

Bayswater Support Group, in the UK: bayswatersupport.org.uk/

My 12yr old is in a similar place. I have refused to use different pronouns or name, restricted SM, and taken school to task over a lgbgt+ 'club' at school that she's been drawn into without my or her tutor's knowledge. She is much calmer and happier and is reconnecting to her life.

I will continue to practice 'watchful waiting' and try to ensure a neutral space for her. She knows I will not countenance any steps that will potentially cause her any harm. I am supporting her with love and encouragement of her own self-esteem. She is responding well. Her comments and notes about herself emerged once and have not been repeated.

I recognise the 'script' type communications, the body dysphoria, the social contagion. the wanting to fit in.

Difficult to know what else to say if she's surrounded by it - it does seem to be a new pandemic. A great deal of what she is going through (without thinking she's a transman) is really normal adolescence and she must have space to go through that.

Love to you and your daughter x

@crosshatching

Hi OP,

There's a LGBT children board here and lots of parents are having this discussion with their children/young people. You may find that board more helpful at the moment.
All best to you and yours.

Yep, I think this is the wrong forum for a deeply worried parent of a trans identifying child to get reassurance and support.

OP for you and your daughter and all your family.

You are in the right part of the forum. Quite a number of posters on this part have similar experiences. And many more who have children where their lives are directly impacted by gender identity in their daily life.

You are not alone. And those links posted above are good .

@Redlake Why would she not find support and understanding here?

Why is this the wrong place? There has been some excellent support and links to organisations that can help.

I'm so sorry to hear all the pressure you're under, OP.

Please take some time to look out for yourself, make an appointment with your GP and/or self refer if you're in England for support.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/nhs-voluntary-charity-services/nhs-services/how-to-access-mental-health-services/

There is a separate board on MN that may be able to offer support and comradeship: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lgbt_children

Meanwhile you've had some good suggestions above for organisations who can support you with these issues. Take good care.

@socialistcat How can you say that? What evidence do you possibly have to say that?

@socialistcat

Wrong board. People here are very anti trans and will tell you it's your fault or some other rubbish. Please seek support somewhere else

What a daft response

Ploughed in without reading responses

If anything I’d going to put you OFF going to those threads, it’s fact there will likely be many posters like this

Doubletween It was what I was told, I had a different user name. I was told that I should be looking at how my parenting might have contributed to my child declaring they were non binary.

When I was a teen, we all “had eating disorders” or “thought we might be pregnant” because the magazines were full of those stories and we all wanted to be seen. We were big on star-signs because we were desperately looking for our identities. Some of us were “Witches” because we watched The Craft.

I feel like this is that.

@socialistcat

Doubletween It was what I was told, I had a different user name. I was told that I should be looking at how my parenting might have contributed to my child declaring they were non binary.

Yiu were told that by every single poster on this board?

I think you've had some excellent advice here. I'd like to second the idea to encourage her to get a part time job, one that gets her out and about and talking to people. I used to work as a waitress in a pub on Sundays and it was a massive boost for my self confidence. The money was a bonus, not the main motivation.
A hobby can be hugely beneficial as well, drama groups for example are great for building friendships and improving self confidence.