DD declaring she is transgender

[SystemOverloaded]

To start, please can I ask you to be gentle. I'm not in a good place; this is not due in whole to this situation, but life has been hard and I've been struggling to carry on.
DD (now 16) told me she was a lesbian at 14. Obviously this was not remotely an issue, she was told it was completely normal and she could love whoever she wanted. About 6 months later she sent me a text message (which I could tell straight away was copied and pasted in part from the Internet) declaring she was non binary and wanted us to call her by another name and use she/they. Again, fine. We didn't make it a big deal, said its fine to be whoever you want to be and we would try and remember the name they wanted. I must admit DH does slip up with this but tries not to. In all honesty I think she wanted more of a "shocked" reaction and a scene. She is part of a computer gaming group online (since 14) who I have since learned are mostly non binary/trans and have a massive influence on her. She also goes to college and I would say 80% of the class are non binary or trans -I am not over exaggerating. I have this morning found a note to me and DH in her room saying she thinks she is a trans man. I just don't know where to go with this from here. In all honesty I genuinely don't think she is trans at all. Before I get jumped on this is NOT because I don't want a trans child at all. This is because I believe she is confused, easily led and unsure about her body and is desperate to fit in with a group and be accepted. She struggled at school to find a group of friends and was lonely a lot and she does tend to mould herself around people's identity/hobbies to fit in with them. Where do I go from here? I want to be supportive but I don't believe this is what she really feels. Please help, I'm so lost and terrified if I question anything with her I will lose her and she will hate me.
I suffer with depression and OCD and diagnosed severe anxiety, I run a business and have a son with SEN. Life is a uphill struggle at the moment even with a wonderful husband and kids and I don't know how much longer I can cope. It seems easier not to be here.

I have bread in the oven. I'll bring that and butter.

Oooh... hot bread and butter! And a nice warm brazier, and lots of company. These vigils are great. I will bring wine, but can probably rustle up a thermos of soup too.

Cheers.

I am quite sure that some of the regular posters who get asked to support their claims with evidence and don't come back to do so are noticed by the readers. The credibility of posters who rely on emotive hyperbole or manipulation (such as 'it is a GC myth') to try to hand wave, minimise, distract or dismiss claims will be certainly noticed across the threads that they leave unanswered.

So, I do encourage those posters to continue their pattern of posting as it becomes quite apparent after a while.

I mean, I would prefer to have proper discussions with some robust evidence presented ( I like to read as much of it as possible.).

Maybe blueberry will also have a look and tell us how the doctor and psychologists diagnosed this toddler.

twitter.com/EuanRL/status/1469027709426843658?s=20

And I also recommend the tweet below that links to the parent's video describing how puberty blockers are fully reversible and perpetuating the suicide myth.

Please blueberry can you link up how these medical clinicians have given this child the very best care?

@Theghostofchristmasarse wow your post was heartfelt and you can see how much you care about your child. It sounds like you are well on top of it, keeping her active, close, opening up communication, limiting social media. All really positive and mentally healthy.

It sounds like your parenting is great and she will come through.

Ooh, the vigil is looking rather festive and lovely tonight, wims, how cheering! I have mulled cider and a wheelbarrow full of mince pies. Also cheese, of course.

I have just taken off my earrings because they really irritate my ears, although I do like the sparkliness. I think this only goes to prove that I am non binary.

This always bloody happens doesn't it? You ask for evidence, for proof, for a study, for an answer and the poster just goes.... pffft! Never to be seen on the thread again (until the next thread by a distraught parent, then they're at it again with inflammatory and ill conceived opinions that do not help those of us in this type of situation). Don't they get bored?? Or is it just fun to plop and run? Hope people don't notice the inconsistencies in their stance?

Can I bring some chocolates for afters, at this vigil? Oooh and some baileys might go down nicely in front of the brazier?

No absolutely nothing to do with stereotypes and societal expectations whatsoever.

medium.com/gender-from-the-trenches/21-signs-that-i-was-trans-just-didnt-realize-it-abf2960b2fb5

This was just a first page Google search on 'how do I know I'm trans' so not exactly difficult to find.

@oxalisRed

This always bloody happens doesn't it? You ask for evidence, for proof, for a study, for an answer and the poster just goes.... pffft! Never to be seen on the thread again (until the next thread by a distraught parent, then they're at it again with inflammatory and ill conceived opinions that do not help those of us in this type of situation). Don't they get bored?? Or is it just fun to plop and run? Hope people don't notice the inconsistencies in their stance?

Can I bring some chocolates for afters, at this vigil? Oooh and some baileys might go down nicely in front of the brazier?

I've currently got an excess of mulled wine and mince pies I'll bring them along!

I've got a glass of red, I'm here. Actually will have an actual blazing fire soon, although I could do it myself, (as I'm also feeling very 'transy' today, in my jeans, plus my bra is uncomfortable so I might take that off, not sure if that counts), I'll probably get the boyfriend to do it when he gets here. He's got long hair so he's probably trans too. Not sure though,, if I let him light the fire, which is a man's job, then is he just non binary?

Just found a certificate DD got from school for excellent work. It said 'her' on it, she had crossed it out and put 'his'.
I managed to hold it together, I said oh wow, you got a certificate, well done, that's amazing.. her face. Not pleased. I even showed it to her dad when he turned up to collect them, we both made a huge fuss. Didn't say a word about the crossing out
She swiftly disappeared with it upstairs, along with the cards from her friends, addressed to 'Leo'. I said oh, you should put those up somewhere.

She looked distinctly moody about our lack of reaction.

However I am now crying into my glass of red.
Why can't life just be bloody easy. I'm so fed up of this shit.

“@Helleofabore
Diane Ehrensaft, Ph.D. is a developmental and clinical psychologist in the San Francisco Bay Area and the Director of Mental Health and founding member of the Child and Adolescent Gender Center, a partnership between the University of California San Francisco and community agencies to provide comprehensive interdisciplinary services and advocacy to gender nonconforming/ transgender children and youth and their families. She is an associate professor of pediatrics at the University of California San Francisco and the chief psychological at the UCSF Benioff Children’s Hospital Child and Adolescent Gender Center Clinic “

If she is supposed to be an expert, it makes one wonder how it is ever really possible.to trust any experts necessarily.

Trust common sense. Biological males and females, however they dress or present themselves ( which will be according to their society or era,) are the sine qua non of our existence as the human race. It seems unlikely that trying to alter yourself with puberty blockers, cross hormones, or surgical changes is an important part of ensuring it continues.

Trans sexuality should never have precedence over the functioning and safety (mental and physical ) of women and girls’ lives. It should not be promoted either.

She also goes to college and I would say 80% of the class are non binary or trans -I am not over exaggerating. I have this morning found a note to me and DH in her room saying she thinks she is a trans man. I just don't know where to go with this from here. In all honesty I genuinely don't think she is trans at all. Before I get jumped on this is NOT because I don't want a trans child at all. This is because I believe she is confused, easily led and unsure about her body and is desperate to fit in with a group and be accepted. She struggled at school to find a group of friends and was lonely a lot and she does tend to mould herself around people's identity/hobbies to fit in with them. Where do I go from here?

@SystemOverloaded you might like to look at this video, and particularly the advice & experience of Dr Az Hakeem, who's a leading psychiatrist in gender dysphoria.

His main speech starts at about 1:02 in. He sees the current ROGD (Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria) as Goth Mark 5.

THe problem is, of course, that while Goths & emo children just wear lots of eyeliner & dye their hair, the social contagion of trans can lead to life-long medication, unnecessary & serious surgery, and very confused young people.

Good luck

Got a call from DS college today to ask if I'm aware of the many, many cuts up and down his arms. Yes, I am the most aware person in the world. And also feel like the most exhausted person in the world.

The nagging about binders continues. And he called me cishet today 🙄🙄

@Theghostofchristmasarse My DD and her friends are exactly the same - yes to being put out about being assessed and data collated by sex, and absolutely to signing birthday and Christmas cards by their nicknames.
We're not focussing on or affirming either. Focussing on how amazing she is and fab school report and spoiling a bit yes, and that has brought her back to us to an extent.

Sadly being completely mucked around by school - clearly completely captured by gender woo b**x, and zero interaction with parents, although they keep stating how they consider it very important to work together with parents. And this is a private school.

Yes to outward breeziness and inner emotional turmoil and tears into alcohol. I even bumped someone's car yesterday :(

Can I come to the vigil a bit later? Can offer a large bag of chestnuts to roast and a good bottle of brandy, plus have a few knee blankets - I think they're NT even. Also much warm love and camaraderie.

Can't believe we are having to fight for the safety of our children.

GenderCriticalTrumpets

@SystemOverloaded Hope you're ok x

@SystemOverloaded

To start, please can I ask you to be gentle. I'm not in a good place; this is not due in whole to this situation, but life has been hard and I've been struggling to carry on. DD (now 16) told me she was a lesbian at 14. Obviously this was not remotely an issue, she was told it was completely normal and she could love whoever she wanted. About 6 months later she sent me a text message (which I could tell straight away was copied and pasted in part from the Internet) declaring she was non binary and wanted us to call her by another name and use she/they. Again, fine. We didn't make it a big deal, said its fine to be whoever you want to be and we would try and remember the name they wanted. I must admit DH does slip up with this but tries not to. In all honesty I think she wanted more of a "shocked" reaction and a scene. She is part of a computer gaming group online (since 14) who I have since learned are mostly non binary/trans and have a massive influence on her. She also goes to college and I would say 80% of the class are non binary or trans -I am not over exaggerating. I have this morning found a note to me and DH in her room saying she thinks she is a trans man. I just don't know where to go with this from here. In all honesty I genuinely don't think she is trans at all. Before I get jumped on this is NOT because I don't want a trans child at all. This is because I believe she is confused, easily led and unsure about her body and is desperate to fit in with a group and be accepted. She struggled at school to find a group of friends and was lonely a lot and she does tend to mould herself around people's identity/hobbies to fit in with them. Where do I go from here? I want to be supportive but I don't believe this is what she really feels. Please help, I'm so lost and terrified if I question anything with her I will lose her and she will hate me. I suffer with depression and OCD and diagnosed severe anxiety, I run a business and have a son with SEN. Life is a uphill struggle at the moment even with a wonderful husband and kids and I don't know how much longer I can cope. It seems easier not to be here.

Hi OP,

mermaidsuk.org.uk/parents/

I don’t have children myself yet but would just like to say that I think you are taking the correct approach just now. Gender dysphoria or any kind of confusion so to speak is difficult. However other answerers are right you need to look after yourself also to be there for your children as you can.

The above link is from Mermaids, the UK’s leading gender identity charity for young people- I have tried to link to the section for parents - it’s in a bit of a crazy colour format so if it isn’t accessible for you please let me know

You are a caring parent who just wants to understand, that’s all children can ask for

Love to you and family x

If you value your child don't go anywhere near Mermaids. They are toxic and believe in tha affirmation only model. They will not investigate co-morbidities that might be causing your daughters dysphoria and accuse anyone of doing so of bigotry. They also don't believe in watchful waiting and as you know 80%+ of children left alone, desist.

@Apollo441

If you value your child don't go anywhere near Mermaids. They are toxic and believe in tha affirmation only model. They will not investigate co-morbidities that might be causing your daughters dysphoria and accuse anyone of doing so of bigotry. They also don't believe in watchful waiting and as you know 80%+ of children left alone, desist.

Thanks for sharing the info

Sorry OP the link I provided in particular I just thought the parents section was quite helpful but was not aware of this knowledge

The NHS and other links provided by others are great though

@Apollo441

If you value your child don't go anywhere near Mermaids. They are toxic and believe in tha affirmation only model. They will not investigate co-morbidities that might be causing your daughters dysphoria and accuse anyone of doing so of bigotry. They also don't believe in watchful waiting and as you know 80%+ of children left alone, desist.

Hello, OP. I'm afraid I haven't read the full thread, but I'd like to double underline this post. I'm sure someone upthread has already suggested them, but in case no-one did (really don't think so but better to be safe than sorry), Transgender Trend are a much better, evidence based source of help.

And I just looked at the timestamps on this.. I'm sure getting through the extra stress of Xmas whilst coping with this was nightmarish. I hope you're ok.

Avoid Mermaids like the plague. They peddle some very dangerous misinformation.

Mermaids also got fined for a serious data breach recently, they're not exactly good at keeping personal data personal.

SystemOverloaded I tried to personal message you but not sure it worked.

Hope you stay strong.

@GeorgiaPass

Not sure if you realise but while Mermaids is considered by trans activists as being the ultimate resource, they have quite a few issues.

In addition to many you will read here, I have had two friends read their information for their female children who are trans identifying. Neither recommend them and both expressed concern about what they read.

In fact, one parent told me that the information all seemed to be written from the male perspective and felt really inappropriate for the needs of teenaged females.

Just because a group is supported by trans people, doesn’t actually make it a balanced resource. Or even a good one. It could just mean it supports limited treatment paths that are advocated for by activists. that may increase the risk of person choosing the wrong treatment path for them.

@GeorgiaPass please don’t post links to Mermaids. It’s an absolute shit show of an organisation. Most of us are actively trying to make sure our kids schools use decent resources & Mermaids isn’t one of them.

I know that TRA think Mermaids is the business but it’s a load of old shite.

@SystemOverloaded I tried to PM you. Doesn't seem to work.

I think it is such a big topic. Especially with teenagers.

It is really hard but just keep your calm.

Support your child and try and get your information etc and support away from your child.