DD declaring she is transgender

[SystemOverloaded]

To start, please can I ask you to be gentle. I'm not in a good place; this is not due in whole to this situation, but life has been hard and I've been struggling to carry on.
DD (now 16) told me she was a lesbian at 14. Obviously this was not remotely an issue, she was told it was completely normal and she could love whoever she wanted. About 6 months later she sent me a text message (which I could tell straight away was copied and pasted in part from the Internet) declaring she was non binary and wanted us to call her by another name and use she/they. Again, fine. We didn't make it a big deal, said its fine to be whoever you want to be and we would try and remember the name they wanted. I must admit DH does slip up with this but tries not to. In all honesty I think she wanted more of a "shocked" reaction and a scene. She is part of a computer gaming group online (since 14) who I have since learned are mostly non binary/trans and have a massive influence on her. She also goes to college and I would say 80% of the class are non binary or trans -I am not over exaggerating. I have this morning found a note to me and DH in her room saying she thinks she is a trans man. I just don't know where to go with this from here. In all honesty I genuinely don't think she is trans at all. Before I get jumped on this is NOT because I don't want a trans child at all. This is because I believe she is confused, easily led and unsure about her body and is desperate to fit in with a group and be accepted. She struggled at school to find a group of friends and was lonely a lot and she does tend to mould herself around people's identity/hobbies to fit in with them. Where do I go from here? I want to be supportive but I don't believe this is what she really feels. Please help, I'm so lost and terrified if I question anything with her I will lose her and she will hate me.
I suffer with depression and OCD and diagnosed severe anxiety, I run a business and have a son with SEN. Life is a uphill struggle at the moment even with a wonderful husband and kids and I don't know how much longer I can cope. It seems easier not to be here.

I have no expertise in this specific area.

But I think that your daughter is crying out for you.

How about regular walks together. You can find lots of reasons not to. Just walk together, from your door, for 30 mins in the evening two or 3 times per week. It will help you both immensely. Good talking, without direct eye contact, exercise and fresh air. If there are barriers to you doing this, see what you can do to overcome them. Frame it as your daughter helping you - tell her you are tired, and stressed, and would love to spend more time with her - no need to mention her difficulties - and ask her to accompany you.

Encourage her to get a p/t job.

Try a couple of real adult-to-adult conversations with her when trans issues come up. "So, in my position, where you're a parent and your child comes out as trans, what would you do?" This may help her to self-counsel, to see things from your point of view, and for you to get insight into what it is she is really after (and I bet it's not really wanting to be a man.)

Just adding my support for the OP, you have received some really good advice here.

@DoubleTweenQueen I hope you have support for both your daughters.

Just wanted to add Anorexia is a horrid illness (I have some experience) but if it is treated within three years the prognosis is actually much better that many fear.

Sending lots of to OP, DoubleTween and anyone else who is struggling and doing their best to support their children.

OP you've had some great advice so far. I echo others who have urged you to find support for yourself first (do you know the aeroplane analogy? Adults need to fit their own oxygen masks before they fit their child's. The adult is no help to the child if they run out of oxygen). I also agree with PP about active time together and "noticing" your child for all the great, non identity based things they can do. Parents are still the most influential people in teen's lives, even if it doesn't always feel that way! I know how hard all this can be when life already feels overwhelming though.

Friends have found Sasha Ayed - a US therapist - helpful on this subject. inspiredteentherapy.com/

The chances are your DD is not a transman. I can guess this because a) the vast majority of young females who don't take puberty blockers desist. (Embarking on a medical pathway can be very hard for a young person to get off) and b) if you read the life stories of non-desisting trans adults, the overwhelming majority were subjected to deeply homophobic, sexist and sometimes even abusive upbringings. Your DD has obviously not experienced this as you detail how much of a non issue her being a lesbian is. Of course, I do question how accepting wider teen culture is of young lesbians at the moment.

Some books/resources that may be helpful:

drgabormate.com/book/hold-on-to-your-kids/

www.ahaparenting.com/guide/teenagers

www.goodreads.com/book/show/606084.Staying_Connected_To_Your_Teenager

All of those books/sites use active listening, and have great suggestions for ways to stay connected and supportive of your children/teens.

@SystemOverloaded you're not the only parent going through this (on this board or in real life).

I second the many responses already for joining Bayswater support, it has been an invaluable source of support for me, as the parent of a 19yr old trans identifying daughter.

We went through a similar journey, our daughter declared that she was a lesbian many years ago and subsequently trans.

Your daughter still has time on her side, to grow up and mature in her thinking, before any medicalisation can happen. If you're willing, support her in whatever you can, whatever way you feel comfortable in, whilst keeping that "you're not 'done', you're still growing up" option. For many issues, my daughter also had therapy which she found useful, is there any way that you could do this for your daughter? But make sure it is a practioner who doesn't automatically affirm, it should be an exploration and discussion rather than blind affirmation of these issues.

Whilst supporting your children, what support do you have in place for yourself? I have had therapy and am taking anti depressants (chronic depression, exacerbated in recent years by raising my teens). If you can find someone sympathetic to talk to for yourself, that might help a lot. You are not alone, you don't have to go through this alone.

This is happening in my family too. I think young people are in a difficult place these days with few clear career pathways, yet pressure to perform in exams and qualifications. That is before all the peer pressure to have their sexuality sorted out and their 'gender identities', whatever they may be, from a very young age, whilst being sassy and streetwise.

The best thing I have seen is to treat it as the 'cry for help' it is, as other posters have described. The worst thing it does is disable the parent from being able to act. However, you are a parent with many years of experience and you know your child better than anyone. You are the best port of call for your child.

I have come to the conclusion that for many young people, it is a solution that is looking for a problem.

Solidarity and

My thoughts are with you OP and you are not alone.

I too have felt myself at a tipping point having an SEN child does feel like you are constantly fighting for support.

I find getting things done and off my plate so to speak has helped. Years ago I had CBT and whenever I notice myself slipping I put into practice what I learnt.

Apologies if practical advice wasn't what you wanted. I can also offer copious amounts of swearing

I am in the same situation with my 13 year old DD. I can't blame school because she is home educated. TikTok etc is full of this stuff and it's a really toxic trend. The sheer numbers of teenage girls who are suddenly declaring themselves as trans men are too vast to be because of genuine gender dysphoria.

It's a trend.

@SystemOverloaded my DD is 12. This has been an ongoing issue for us too. In. In the few months of starting secondary school she was lesbian, then non binary then bisexual, it was so intense and so many different terms thrown up. I just let her tell me and supported. Then she told me she was transgender. It was all so quick for us, just relentless changes and her friendship group are, I believe part of the problem. Several of them self harm and are not in a great place and show her stuff on TikTok which I don’t allow her to have. I’ve been put on antidepressants because everything just got too much. We have tried to encourage her to join some school clubs which have gradually introduced her to some different friendships. She hasn’t mentioned transgender recently and picked out some dresses for Christmas so I’m going to assume she isn’t sure, I’m leaving her to work through it, but it is so hard. X

@Redlake

Well I am pleased to see some useful links provided but I am concerned because this is primarily a GC forum and there are supporters of some pretty extreme anti trans bigotry lurking on here. Not a good place for someone who needs to support a gender dysphoric child.

You've even contradicted yourself here. How can it be 'not a good place' when 'useful links have been provided'?

Nobody [on here] wants 16 year old girls having their breasts removed or to taken life changing drugs that will leave them sterilised. NOBODY.

If that is 'anti-trans' then there is nothing anyone can really do to help you.

My DD was the same, a lesbian who identified as NB and hung out with a group of friends at college who were also either NB or trans identifying.

I am so glad that myDD stopped at cutting her hair and wearing traditionally male clothes and once she left that college group of friends she grew out of that phase and is happy to just be a plain old lesbian. She still has a masculine aesthetic which is fine and is happy in her skin.

The college stance of allowing the kids to change names and change the sex markers on their ids didn't help.

I agree with the other posters about trying to limit exposure to the trans groups of friends which I know is easier said than done.

I'd like to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for your fantastic advice and support. It has helped more than you can imagine and got me through the day so far. It is nice to not feel alone and when I get home from work I am going to have another full read through the entire thread and look at links and message those who have said I can who are in similar positions. Unfortunately taking any time off work at the moment would be impossible...we are fully booked with clients for a year in advance and I have nobody else to do my job and manage the staff here. To be honest sometimes it's good to have work as a massive distraction and to keep me focused on something else other than my issues. If I was at home I would sit and overthink as usual. I will speak to the Samaritans and try and get a doctors appointment (seemingly impossible around here at the moment).

Much love and strength to you, OP .

I echo the advice to make sure you’re getting help for your depression and anxiety; you can’t pour from an empty jug.

An encouraging stat is that when supported by watchful waiting, 80-85% of gender-confused children and teens reconcile with their birth sex.

None of the regulars on this board are “anti-trans”. We’re pro women, which includes wanting young girls to grow up at peace in their own bodies rather than becoming medical patients for life unnecessarily.

@socialistcat

Doubletween It was what I was told, I had a different user name. I was told that I should be looking at how my parenting might have contributed to my child declaring they were non binary.

If I remember rightly, one person said this and was pulled up on it by many other posters, so not the board as a whole.

Hi OP! I think it would be a good idea to try using masculine terms for him and see how he feels later on. From my experience, people in the LGBTQ community are generally quite accepting and friendly people, so most likely it's not an attempt to fit in, but an attempt at self-discovery after finding a group of people he feels comfortable around. And if it turns out that after using masculine language, she finds that she was a girl, then there was no harm done, and she would probably think highly of you for letting her experiment with her identity! :D

[quote Shedmistress]@Redlake

Well I am pleased to see some useful links provided but I am concerned because this is primarily a GC forum and there are supporters of some pretty extreme anti trans bigotry lurking on here. Not a good place for someone who needs to support a gender dysphoric child.

You've even contradicted yourself here. How can it be 'not a good place' when 'useful links have been provided'?

Nobody [on here] wants 16 year old girls having their breasts removed or to taken life changing drugs that will leave them sterilised. NOBODY.

If that is 'anti-trans' then there is nothing anyone can really do to help you.[/quote]
Actually, the gender reassignment surgery available at 16 years old are hormone blockers, which only put a pause on the regular changes, and if taken off of them, puberty will resume as normal.

And about the breast removal, this is only available post-18, after a consultation with a doctor and/or GP, and there's usually a months - maybe even years - long waiting list. They could use a binder, however, that works like a bra and when used correctly, safely compresses the boobs into the chest to give the impression of having a flat/flatter chest, and the breasts go right back to normal when you take the binder off! Hope this was helpful :>

"the breasts go right back to normal when you take the binder off" - have you got some links to show this is true?

You really shouldn't be posting about "reversible hormones" and "safe binders" without doing your research.

0PhthaloBlue0
Where did you get your medical degree?
What you have posted is dangerous and completely wrong.

Puberty changes the brain significantly. There have been so studies to show that long term 'pauses' of puberty do not effect cognitive development. Any 'puberty blocker' data will be based on very short term used in treating precocious puberty and so are not applicable to the extended use you reference.

No studies not so studies.

That's tough OP. Sounds like you're doing the best you can. 💐

Hi OP! I think it would be a good idea to try using masculine terms for him and see how he feels later on.

The OP isn't referring to her teenage daughter as "he", so please have some respect, this isn't your family.

OP, I feel for you, I really do. I have a young adult (19m) in my life struggling with this and his mom is struggling too. I also have several friends go through this with their children.

PP have given great resources, so I'll share an anecdote.

One friend helped her DD (who sounded a lot like your DD) by taking her on several extended non-relaxing holidays in places without Internet. One involved helping a town clean up after a flood. This sounds like it might be tough for you due to your DS, so maybe you could encourage your DD to join some kind of study abroad or foreign service work (pandemic is tricky but some countries are allowing these programs). What my friend learned was that getting her DD physically enmeshed in a different experience OUTSIDE social media allowed her DD to focus less on her internal thoughts and more on the physical world around her. When you are so busy helping others (service work), you don't have the headspace to worry about identity.

@endofthelinefinally

0PhthaloBlue0 Where did you get your medical degree? What you have posted is dangerous and completely wrong.

What I have posted is based off of personal experience! I myself have used a binder before for costume purposes, and I have friends who wear them for all sorts of reasons - they're not only used by trans people. None of us have had any problems due to using them, physically or otherwise. Admittedly, I do not have a medical degree, but I wouldn't recommend something to someone that I wouldn't feel safe using myself. Please do not say that I am "completely wrong" when I know more about the matter than you do.

It seems however that many people do experience problems with binding such as permanent damage to breathing problems

There is also no evidence that the "affirmative " route leads to better outcomes than alternative approaches