DD declaring she is transgender

[SystemOverloaded]

To start, please can I ask you to be gentle. I'm not in a good place; this is not due in whole to this situation, but life has been hard and I've been struggling to carry on.
DD (now 16) told me she was a lesbian at 14. Obviously this was not remotely an issue, she was told it was completely normal and she could love whoever she wanted. About 6 months later she sent me a text message (which I could tell straight away was copied and pasted in part from the Internet) declaring she was non binary and wanted us to call her by another name and use she/they. Again, fine. We didn't make it a big deal, said its fine to be whoever you want to be and we would try and remember the name they wanted. I must admit DH does slip up with this but tries not to. In all honesty I think she wanted more of a "shocked" reaction and a scene. She is part of a computer gaming group online (since 14) who I have since learned are mostly non binary/trans and have a massive influence on her. She also goes to college and I would say 80% of the class are non binary or trans -I am not over exaggerating. I have this morning found a note to me and DH in her room saying she thinks she is a trans man. I just don't know where to go with this from here. In all honesty I genuinely don't think she is trans at all. Before I get jumped on this is NOT because I don't want a trans child at all. This is because I believe she is confused, easily led and unsure about her body and is desperate to fit in with a group and be accepted. She struggled at school to find a group of friends and was lonely a lot and she does tend to mould herself around people's identity/hobbies to fit in with them. Where do I go from here? I want to be supportive but I don't believe this is what she really feels. Please help, I'm so lost and terrified if I question anything with her I will lose her and she will hate me.
I suffer with depression and OCD and diagnosed severe anxiety, I run a business and have a son with SEN. Life is a uphill struggle at the moment even with a wonderful husband and kids and I don't know how much longer I can cope. It seems easier not to be here.

Sorry. I should have been more specific. It was 0pathalo's post which I think is grossly irresponsible.

Redlake

“crosshatching
Hi OP,
There's a LGBT children board here and lots of parents are having this discussion with their children/young people. You may find that board more helpful at the moment.
All best to you and yours.”

@Redlake
I take it you were being sarcastic when you answered with the following response?:

“Yep, I think this is the wrong forum for a deeply worried parent of a trans identifying child to get reassurance and support.“

Just in case, OP.
This is the right place

Solas I was really confused when I first read C19. I thought you meant the 19th century.

I would suggest you take soundings from more than one source.

I heartily agree. Although in the first instance, I think it sounds like the OP herself needs support and compassion, as much as advice.

@thedancingbear

I don’t think it’s controversial to say that one view of your situation is likely to be preferred to others on this site, OP.

I’m not suggesting that posters are transphobic, and there’s lots of helpful stuff here. I would suggest you take soundings from more than one source.

The predominant view, likely to be found here, and increasingly backed up by scientific data, is to love, support, and wait&see. Allow other life-stresses to be tackled and the young person to explore who they are without unhelpful influences pushing them in one direction. To allow puberty to happen and adolescence to happen. Life-changing decisions can wait.

The overall view here would not be to jump to affirmation and enable a systematic transition. That doesn't have scientific credibility.

First do no harm. A great deal of what these hids are experiencing are perfectly standard in adolescence. It can be painful. It's worth it to wait & see; to be categorically certain.

What alternative approach would be as kind?

@thedancingbear

I don’t think it’s controversial to say that one view of your situation is likely to be preferred to others on this site, OP.

I’m not suggesting that posters are transphobic, and there’s lots of helpful stuff here. I would suggest you take soundings from more than one source.

Maybe you don’t hang out on this board all that much. Posters regularly strive to advise seeking advice from a multitude of sources. And as much as possible from original sources. We try to not recommend information that is a regurgitation of those original sources.

And you might have noticed that it is only some posters with alternative agendas that are posting in any way negatively. They are the ones trying to persuade the OP that advice and support that they get here is poor or lacking in some way.

Once you see the tactic, it is hard to miss it.

I agree that this book which @ArabellaScott mentioned is a wonderful book. It is not specifically about this very issue but imo it is one of the most important books any parent could read and the advice could apply to all sorts of problems.
drgabormate.com/book/hold-on-to-your-kids/

@thedancingbear you're not suggesting posters are transphobic, but there are also MN anti-trans boards?

You've been asked whether for a better alternative to a wait-and-see approach, could you suggest such? So that all the transphobes here can learn from you.

@thedancingbear
This is not an anti trans board.
It is pro the safety of women and girls, pro science, pro critical thinking.

@thedancingbear

Posters arguing that the OP should not take soundings from a range of sources, and should only listen to posters on the MN anti-trans board are just proving my point for me.

Who is telling OP to not seek information from a range of sources? Who is saying to only listen to posters on FWR?

But you have resorted again, as you have done before, to calling posters anti-trans. Please stop progressing your own prejudiced agenda on a support thread. It is not the place.

Yes, posters have been called out for recommending sources from a Doctor that is currently suspended and a service that has been proven to not follow the medical guidelines for this country. And for providing misinformation about binding and hormone treatments. Why on earth would you support that type of misinformation being given ?

@thedancingbear

Posters arguing that the OP should not take soundings from a range of sources, and should only listen to posters on the MN anti-trans board are just proving my point for me.

Who is not advocating the OP takes information from a number of reputable sources? Plenty of links to reputable sources have been shared?

If there is something lacking, then share it rather than attempting to dismiss people here?

@socialistcat

Wrong board. People here are very anti trans and will tell you it's your fault or some other rubbish. Please seek support somewhere else

Not one post has said anything remotely like you’ve written. Shame on you. This is a mother looking for support who’s daughter is struggling to fit into the world that she’s living in.

Fucking hell, this thread has gone downhill.

I would say I can't believe MNHQ are allowing factually inaccurate and dangerous advice from unbelievably ignorant people, but sadly I believe it as it's an everyday occurrence these days.

As is the derailing of a support thread to push a dangerous ideology.

@socialistcat

Wrong board. People here are very anti trans and will tell you it's your fault or some other rubbish. Please seek support somewhere else

But this just isn't the case at all. Have you even bothered to read the thread?

@thedancingbear

Posters arguing that the OP should not take soundings from a range of sources, and should only listen to posters on the MN anti-trans board are just proving my point for me.

Where? Identify that post, name trhat poster.

But if you refer to any explaining the specific issues with some of gthe threads listed, give up! Providing information ano the veracity of information, the relevance, the safety of it is not and kind of phobic and is just plain common sense.

If you are objecting to having Helen Weberlyss medical misdemeanours pointed out you need to explain why you think a woman whose entire defence against being struck off was "I thought that was best" is to be believed over anyone else.

I would suggest you take soundings from more than one source.

Probably not ones which make dubious medical claims.

@TurquoiseBaubles

Fucking hell, this thread has gone downhill.

I would say I can't believe MNHQ are allowing factually inaccurate and dangerous advice from unbelievably ignorant people, but sadly I believe it as it's an everyday occurrence these days.

As is the derailing of a support thread to push a dangerous ideology.

MNHQ are too busy deleting threads that point out 3 of the people on what is meant to be a list of women are men. So posts breaching the 'Blue Book" that govern the promotion of medications....

I'm sorry to see that my post has caused some disagreements here, it was genuinely never my intention. I know it is a subject with strong feelings on all sides and I apologise if I have upset anyone with the topic. I do feel I been given some fantastic advice, support and links by the very kind posters and that I posted on the right board as it has helped me speak to my DH and be open this evening about how much I am struggling with suicidal thoughts and to make some time to ring the Samaritans tomorrow morning when I'm alone. Thank you for making me realise I need to be in the right place myself to support my DD properly. Mumsnet at its best. I've started going through the links which are really helpful. Lots of love to all those in similar situations

I would smile and nod. I would probably also say that she has plenty of time to decide who she is and what she believes, values and wants in life. Don't pander to any more changes in how you address or treat her. If necessary, just call her by her name and avoid pronouns altogether.

You're no need to apologise System. I'm glad you found so many helpful posts. Sadly some view this board negatively and can't resist piling in, even when someone's asked for support, not realising that many of us are parents and most are women with compassion, insight and experiences of the challenges of parenting teenagers - especially through this minefield.

OP

@SystemOverloaded

I'm sorry to see that my post has caused some disagreements here, it was genuinely never my intention. I know it is a subject with strong feelings on all sides and I apologise if I have upset anyone with the topic. I do feel I been given some fantastic advice, support and links by the very kind posters and that I posted on the right board as it has helped me speak to my DH and be open this evening about how much I am struggling with suicidal thoughts and to make some time to ring the Samaritans tomorrow morning when I'm alone. Thank you for making me realise I need to be in the right place myself to support my DD properly. Mumsnet at its best. I've started going through the links which are really helpful. Lots of love to all those in similar situations

Don't even start to apologise @SystemOverloaded

You need to get information from anywhere and everywhere that makes sense to you, just as your DD does.

I hope the Samaritans can give you the head space you need to start processing this.

Keep posting for as long as it helps.

as it has helped me speak to my DH and be open this evening about how much I am struggling with suicidal thoughts and to make some time to ring the Samaritans tomorrow morning when I'm alone

So glad it has helped. I hope your DH is supporting you and you have a decent support system.
Please take care of yourself, I think one of the reason it's good you posted on this board is it gets fairly heavy traffic and someone will always be there for a handhold.

Take care yourself OP.