DD declaring she is transgender

[SystemOverloaded]

To start, please can I ask you to be gentle. I'm not in a good place; this is not due in whole to this situation, but life has been hard and I've been struggling to carry on.
DD (now 16) told me she was a lesbian at 14. Obviously this was not remotely an issue, she was told it was completely normal and she could love whoever she wanted. About 6 months later she sent me a text message (which I could tell straight away was copied and pasted in part from the Internet) declaring she was non binary and wanted us to call her by another name and use she/they. Again, fine. We didn't make it a big deal, said its fine to be whoever you want to be and we would try and remember the name they wanted. I must admit DH does slip up with this but tries not to. In all honesty I think she wanted more of a "shocked" reaction and a scene. She is part of a computer gaming group online (since 14) who I have since learned are mostly non binary/trans and have a massive influence on her. She also goes to college and I would say 80% of the class are non binary or trans -I am not over exaggerating. I have this morning found a note to me and DH in her room saying she thinks she is a trans man. I just don't know where to go with this from here. In all honesty I genuinely don't think she is trans at all. Before I get jumped on this is NOT because I don't want a trans child at all. This is because I believe she is confused, easily led and unsure about her body and is desperate to fit in with a group and be accepted. She struggled at school to find a group of friends and was lonely a lot and she does tend to mould herself around people's identity/hobbies to fit in with them. Where do I go from here? I want to be supportive but I don't believe this is what she really feels. Please help, I'm so lost and terrified if I question anything with her I will lose her and she will hate me.
I suffer with depression and OCD and diagnosed severe anxiety, I run a business and have a son with SEN. Life is a uphill struggle at the moment even with a wonderful husband and kids and I don't know how much longer I can cope. It seems easier not to be here.

@FabriqueBelgique

When I was a teen, we all “had eating disorders” or “thought we might be pregnant” because the magazines were full of those stories and we all wanted to be seen. We were big on star-signs because we were desperately looking for our identities. Some of us were “Witches” because we watched The Craft.

I feel like this is that.

We had the "trendies" who dressed in Kappa tracksuits and hung around on benches, and the "freaks" who wore combat trousers and Nirvana t-shirts. If you weren't one or the other, you didn't belong anywhere.

Teenagers have always tried to find their tribe, it's just that the latest tribes can have long lasting and potentially troubling effects. You've had some great advice on here OP, but do remember to think about how you can look after yourself as well as your DD.

Chat to transgender trend and also the LGB Alliance. I’m no expert, but it seems she’s been brainwashed by the gaming friends and probably also exposed to nonsense at school. Can you get her to real life lesbian support/social events so she can start to connect with lesbians who don’t feel they have to be a ‘man’ to fancy women? Is it possible to reduce the gaming friend contact? I realise she’s a bit old for this. Are their sports / drama / other clubs you can sign her up to? Community volunteering? A different sixth form?

As long as her friends are all in a group that’s 80% trans, she’ll want to be trans too. The only way out of this is new friends, a big challenge.

Personally I’d be careful hiw much you humour her. No way will I ever agree to refer to someone as ‘they’. It’s a plural. If they want a gender neutral pronoun then the correct one is ‘it’.

This is a thread to support the OP. Can we resist the temptation to engage with posters who've joined the thread to cause a fight?

I believe this organisation might be helpful bayswatersupport.org.uk/

We offer parents somewhere private to talk, share and be understood. We also educate public bodies about adolescent gender dysphoria. Our members come from all walks of life, including teaching, the NHS, law and the media, and from all regions of the UK.
Adolescence can be challenging for our young: let’s help them explore their personalities and find peace with their changing bodies. The challenges of adolescence can provoke difficult feelings, which deserve careful therapeutic exploration. Prematurely adopting identity labels and medical solutions may crystallise the situation before it’s been fully worked through.

This is a common trend and the way it starts and progresses is mirrored up and down the country - it seems to me that girls in particular are being manipulated and influenced by social media. I don't know about your daughter but the constant gender agenda seems to be pressurising teenagers in the way - normalising what is not normal for the vast majority of people. I use those words because accepting something does not mean it is the norm for the vast majority of people. I think young people are confused. On a practical note I think the best thing to ride the storm be noncommittal and accepting and like with most fads this will pass.

Sympathy from another parent SystemOverloaded I won't repeat the good advice and resources that you've already had. I'll just reiterate the point that teenagers are under such pressure these days, not only from peers but from (often) toxic online influences.
Anything you can do to enable her to take part in anything offline - from as simple as a "come on, let's go and get a coffee and cake - just the 2 of us" to taking part in all the activities that help children relate to real people helps a developing child to counter unreal online influences.
Trust your instincts - and hopefully you can find support for yourself on here.

Thank you all so much. It's really helped this morning to point me in the right directions and have an actual start point to work from. Depression has taken me so far from the person I was sometimes I can't see the wood for the trees.

@socialistcat That is an extremely lame reply.
And I haven't seen anyone here suggesting that to the OP.
Pro-child, pro-teen girl, pro-loving parent, anti-medicalisation and butchery of our teen girls without taking time to wait & see and be 100% certain - guilty!.

Hope that's cleared it up.

System

@socialistcat

Wrong board. People here are very anti trans and will tell you it's your fault or some other rubbish. Please seek support somewhere else

The OP is clearly in a difficult place, could you perhaps try to put aside your political stance/personal feelings for a bit and offer support and help, rather than derailing?

Poor you. Poor her. Hope you get the support that you need. She sounds very mixed up. It does seem to be all the rage atm. I don't have a problem with someone being trans, but I do have a problem with everyone doing it, it's as if it's uncool to be just heterosexual, gay or bi atm.

DD (now 16) told me she was a lesbian at 14. Obviously this was not remotely an issue, she was told it was completely normal and she could love whoever she wanted. About 6 months later she sent me a text message (which I could tell straight away was copied and pasted in part from the Internet) declaring she was non binary

OP lot's of love and support for you here. this story came to mind reading what you said ...

EXTRACT:

"The word lesbian didn’t seem right. I had agonised over how to tell one close friend about my sexuality. I trusted them, but by the next day, the news had reached the entire school"

"I desperately sought friendships with people who were like minded."

"I discovered the idea that I could be a boy born in the wrong body. It all made sense. This must be why I hate traditionally feminine things – this is why I can’t bond with the girls in my school."

"They started identifying as non binary, or as boys. We would watch ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ surgery reaction videos and YouTube channels dedicated to hiding our figure and appearing more masculine. The others in my group started taking hormones."

"I look back on those days and wish we had embraced rejecting traditional ideas of what it means to be a girl. What we hadn’t considered, and has become part of my core beliefs as a gender critical feminist, is that gender can be – and should be – completely abandoned"

safeschoolsallianceuk.net/our-stories/detransitioned-female-28-newcastle/

Can I apologise for my previous comment. I am also very depressed and finding it difficult as both DDS are suffering with body dysphoria and low self-esteem - one saying she's trans, after the other's been battling anorexia for over a year.
It's the worst time to be a pre-teen or teen girl, or a parent of one, in the current climate.
Sorry OP x

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@Redlake Why would she not find support and understanding here?[/quote]
Well I am pleased to see some useful links provided but I am concerned because this is primarily a GC forum and there are supporters of some pretty extreme anti trans bigotry lurking on here. Not a good place for someone who needs to support a gender dysphoric child.

Before I get jumped on this is NOT because I don't want a trans child at all.

Given the implications of a teen being 'trans', I absolutely don't want a trans child, just as I do not want an anorexic child or a child with body dysmorphic disorder. Why would anyone want a child who is likely to be led down a path towards such severe harm? A child who becomes a patient for life? I would love my children regardless but there is absolutely no way I would want that for them.

She is part of a computer gaming group online (since 14) who I have since learned are mostly non binary/trans and have a massive influence on her. She also goes to college and I would say 80% of the class are non binary or trans -I am not over exaggerating.

EXTRACT:

"I remember taking "are you trans?" quizzes online. I remember reading that "if you question if you’re trans or not, you probably are". I remember a hundred validations online that had me convinced."

"I came out to my parents when I was about 15 or 16"

"I simply never had the words to describe myself. I simply never had the community. There were no lesbians around to guide me, to speak to me. To help me unpack my past, to unpack my relationship to the world. The complex existence that comes with being a female homosexual"

"I am a woman, I am a lesbian. Not because of any particular feeling in my chest, not because it is a desire or a choice. It simply is the factual truth of my existence"

post-trans.com/Detransition-Andy-7

Your daughter isn't trans. You nod, smile and go about your day as normal. Perhaps encourage her to do something other than go online with the people who are influencing her. Reassure her than most children in her class are not trans/non binary either. They're just following current trends and it'll be something different in another couple of years.

Acknowledge her feelings but stick with it and don't pander to her. She'll realise how daft the whole thing is when she's more mature.

Redlake, if you find evidence of "anti-trans bigotry" on this thread or anywhere else, please report it. In the meantime what is your interest in driving the op away from a thread which has, so far, been 100% supportive?

OP, have you got help/support for your depression? You can't give your children your best if you're not looking after yourself.

Hi op, Genspect provide a list of all the many parent support groups that can offer you help.
However more importantly, Genspect provide a brief guidance for parents that you really should read as this will help you feel more sure about how to proceed from here genspect.org/guidance-for-parents/
Genspect also provide brief guidance for friends and relatives, for schools, for psychotherapists and more

I think this is the wrong forum for a deeply worried parent of a trans identifying child to get reassurance and support.

I think you are probably showing your own prejudice here.

If you have actual support to give, please do so.

Hugs OP. Sounds like you and your DD are fighting uphill battles at the moment.
I think this is all too common and happening to teenage lesbians. Being 'just' a lesbian is somehow less acceptable than being NB or trans.
Her online friends are no doubt similar and very kind and supportive of her too. But they're all being caught up in a way of thinking about themselves.
I think the advice you've had here to be loving and supportive, to ground her as far as you can in reality - with activities and hobbies in real life are good. Resist if you can any push for medicalisation, such as taking hormones, until she's had longer to really be sure about her choices. Testosterone is very much on this pathway but can wreak havoc long term on female bodies. But, I wouldn't try and talk about that with her now.
You need to look after yourself too.

@socialistcat

Wrong board. People here are very anti trans and will tell you it's your fault or some other rubbish. Please seek support somewhere else

No one has said it’s the mother’s fault. No one is being anti trans. People are being supportive. Your post is not helpful.

@SystemOverloaded I’m sorry for what you and your family are going through. It sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job of supporting your daughter through a very worrying time. Hope the resources given on here can support you. 💐