DD declaring she is transgender

[SystemOverloaded]

To start, please can I ask you to be gentle. I'm not in a good place; this is not due in whole to this situation, but life has been hard and I've been struggling to carry on.
DD (now 16) told me she was a lesbian at 14. Obviously this was not remotely an issue, she was told it was completely normal and she could love whoever she wanted. About 6 months later she sent me a text message (which I could tell straight away was copied and pasted in part from the Internet) declaring she was non binary and wanted us to call her by another name and use she/they. Again, fine. We didn't make it a big deal, said its fine to be whoever you want to be and we would try and remember the name they wanted. I must admit DH does slip up with this but tries not to. In all honesty I think she wanted more of a "shocked" reaction and a scene. She is part of a computer gaming group online (since 14) who I have since learned are mostly non binary/trans and have a massive influence on her. She also goes to college and I would say 80% of the class are non binary or trans -I am not over exaggerating. I have this morning found a note to me and DH in her room saying she thinks she is a trans man. I just don't know where to go with this from here. In all honesty I genuinely don't think she is trans at all. Before I get jumped on this is NOT because I don't want a trans child at all. This is because I believe she is confused, easily led and unsure about her body and is desperate to fit in with a group and be accepted. She struggled at school to find a group of friends and was lonely a lot and she does tend to mould herself around people's identity/hobbies to fit in with them. Where do I go from here? I want to be supportive but I don't believe this is what she really feels. Please help, I'm so lost and terrified if I question anything with her I will lose her and she will hate me.
I suffer with depression and OCD and diagnosed severe anxiety, I run a business and have a son with SEN. Life is a uphill struggle at the moment even with a wonderful husband and kids and I don't know how much longer I can cope. It seems easier not to be here.

As regards physical or pharmacological issues, please ensure that whatever advice you heed comes from a source which references peer reviewed research in a reputable scientific journal. Some of the links earlier eg 4th wave now and transgender trend can be relied upon in this respect. Avoid sociological works, which often promote Queer theory which is not evidence based.

There are some excellent suggestions on this thread. Mainly, I think, there are three themes: 1. Change the company she keeps whether real or virtual.

@socialistcat

I find it strange how many people say, 'take them on holiday and they'll fee differently' lol. Exactly the kind of thing they used to say to the parents of gay kids.

People? One person mentioned a holiday. The poster recommended an extended period of time offline and activities to take up that time.

I don't recall going on holiday being what people used to say about being gay.

Stop misrepresenting what is being said here.

Op, good advice from many here. I've had similar issues with my somewhat younger daughter, which she seems to be coming through. We restricted social media and also did school at home for a time, spending a lot of time with her doing various things. It's seemed to help.

I've seen the same progression in so many kids lately. They first decide they are gay or bisexual, then non-binary, then transmen. The ones who come out the other end don't seem to necessarily be any of these things.

One thing I have thought in some of these instances is that the kids are looking, right from the beginning, for some kind of feedback they aren't getting. The tendency is for parents to reassure them that they accept whatever the child is saying, even if the parent has real doubts. But it almost seems like some kids are desperate for some sort of boundaries.

I'm not sure what that should look like, but something about the messaging these kids are getting is really confusing them.

I would have the same non alarmist approach, sounds like she wants a reaction. The wait lists for the nhs are ridiculously long so, if as I presume she doesn't have access to funds, she can't actually do anything. My DD's friend was a bit like your dd but once she went to university she met a lovely girlfriend and they are now happy and gay

@Redlake There are loads of people here who are lesbians deeply invested in feminism, not in any way 'anti' trans, but just interested in how to balance everyone's needs and wishes, and how to safeguard young lesbians in a confusing time. I was an incredibly troubled and unhappy young girl, it took me years to realise my sexuality - and it wasn't anything to do with gender or 'gender ideology', just who I was. I am here because I care so much about women and girls, especially other lesbians. Not from any motive of hate whatsoever.

Your poor little one, OP. She's still so young, and have nothing but respect for her trying to tackle all this and figure this stuff out. You are an incredible mum, please please don't doubt yourself - God knows, I realise no one saying that on the internet can counterbalance depression, but above all else, she needs you. Whoever she turns out to be, whatever paths she takes. Please keep seeking help and support for yourself. And don't leave her

@socialistcat

I find it strange how many people say, 'take them on holiday and they'll fee differently' lol. Exactly the kind of thing they used to say to the parents of gay kids.

Please don't invoke homophobia to make a cheap rhetorical point.

She is part of a computer gaming group online (since 14) who I have since learned are mostly non binary/trans and have a massive influence on her.

I see this as a pattern SO SO much.

Encourage her to make more real life friends and not be online as much. Given she's 16, banning her from these groups outright is something thats probably not an option and challenging her about the group could be counter productive.

But getting her away from this influence as much as you can is important.

@WorriedMumsDontSleep

No judgement here, you've been very supportive of your child's sexuality, but naturally are worried about irreversible medical implications of identity crisis. Someone will be along with practical advice here but hope a handhold will help for now.

OP didn't say anything about medication or medial implications.

OP, look around for local support organisations for LGBT+ young people. You will get better advice there than on mumsnet.

@cookiemonster2468

OP, look around for local support organisations for LGBT+ young people. You will get better advice there than on mumsnet.

Advice from other parents with daughters struggling in a similar way and with a similar history/backstory are unable to give relevant and helpful advice?

What is this ‘better’ advice OP will get elsewhere?

The trouble with this issue, as is made clear from various posters jumping on to attack or deride other posters, is that it is embroiled in wider ideological debates.

OP, I hope you're able to take the useful support from this thread and ignore advice given thoughtlessly or for point-scoring.

General sensible advice when considering health issues of any kind would be to look for sound evidence-based research from peer reviewed, reputable sources. I would also look for different viewpoints to compare and contrast.

Check the bias of organisations presenting information. All will have some degree of bias one way or another; so long as you are clear on what that is, and everything is open, transparent and referenced then you can make up your own mind.

'GenderGP' founder Helen Webberly has been suspended since 2017, she is currently being investigated, there are threads on this on this board.

0PhthaloBlue0

So… you haven’t worn a binder for everyday life like you recommend. You are not trying to play sport in one, cope with studying, walking to and from school. And cope with growing breasts and body.

And are you telling us that the study of 1800 binder wearers we’re all lying?

Sounds like you have a brief use and seems like you also have a bias to push.

Is mumsnet now allowing advise about binding and accessing puberty blockers from a company who has been banned? Is this what this platform is? I'm assuming those posts have already been reported but mumsnet has decided to keep them up?

I feel incredibly uncomfortable as I had no idea that this is what mumsnet is about. Promoting the use of puberty blockers and breast binding for teenagers. This is disgusting.

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27300085/

'Health impact of chest binding among transgender adults: a community-engaged, cross-sectional study '

'Of participants, 51.5% reported daily binding. Over 97% reported at least one of 28 negative outcomes attributed to binding. Frequency (days/week) was consistently associated with negative outcomes (22/28 outcomes).'

@Franca123

I feel incredibly uncomfortable as I had no idea that this is what mumsnet is about. Promoting the use of puberty blockers and breast binding for teenagers. This is disgusting.

But if you actually read the thread, only one person suggested binders and hormones. Virtually everyone else provided evidence that these were Really Bad Ideas. So hardly "Mumsnet promoting " anything.

I have been very censored today for comments that harm no one. Why are others allowed to make comments which actively promote direct harm to children? That is a choice mumsnet has made.

I’ve also been deleted because I intimated a contributor was not your average Mumsnetter - accused of troll-hunting. Think they need to upgrade their talk guidelines.

thank you for posting that arabella. Maybe 0pathalo will read this and stop spreading misinformation.

Or maybe those who are reading along will read this and realise that some posters are well entrenched in advocating for binder and puberty blockers with absolutely no medical knowledge (as they have acknowledged) and very little knowledge. I too know people who wear binders, 0pathalo, and they DO have issues at school.

And puberty blockers? Are you fucking serious? A class action is building in the US for one of those drugs for female children who are now adults who can certainly testify to the harms that these drugs cause.

It is only one group who is persisting in spreading another lie that they are ‘reversible’ and ‘harmless’. Educate yourself and do better. 0pthalo

@Franca123

I feel incredibly uncomfortable as I had no idea that this is what mumsnet is about. Promoting the use of puberty blockers and breast binding for teenagers. This is disgusting.

You've misunderstood the replies, posibly because you aren't as familiar with regular posters here. They are the ones shouting down the idea that binders and drugs are safe, who are pointing out that the websitse referred to are also unsafe - one is/was run by a woman who is still struck off from the medical register because of the views and practices in that link.

Puberty blockers are in no way a 'pause button' - as seen in a couple of court cases in the last 18 months, UK, alone!

Posters here will, as you have seen, be the ones challenging such blind stupidity - even the makers of binders have a lot of information on teh dangers of wearing them to often, too young, too small, for too long etc.

Trust me, we, regualr posters here in no way promote the bloody things.

We also don't generally reprot them to have them deleted either - we prefer to explain, debunk, repeat safe information to silencing dissenting voices.

Not that we are accorded the same courtesy, as you seem to have found out. That is a choice mumsnet has made. there seems to have a been quite a lot of this today. Can I just remind everyone that we, gender critical women here in the Gulag that is the part of the site we are coralled into, forced to stay in, are regularly monitored by people who don't like what we state, what we believe, the science basically - things like sex is immutable, women are adult human females, puberty blockers are dangerous, there is no pause button.

They do not have to be registered users, they do not have to engage woth us. They just press the report button and have our posts removed.

That is also why so many of use use really weird terminology, we try to avoid being reported. I have made major errors in that today and have also had a couple of posts reported and deleted!

I want JUST ONE of those who monitor to ask me directly what I do for transwomen... I dare any who are watching to do so. because my answer will not be what you take to Twitter and accuse me of. Just because I am not registered on Twitter doesn't mean I can't read what you say about me and other GC posters here

So, as it is obvious you are still monitoring us, ask me! Dare you.

SystemOverloaded, please take a breath and hold still and slowly let it out again.

While it may sound trite you will cope and don't be afraid to seek help, for both your daughter and yourself.

NB don't feel you have to reply to any of the questions I include.

You found a note, and I am sure it a surprise. Was it that your daughter left it so you could find it or was it accidental? The answer may influence how you approach the topic. If it was accidental would discussing it push your daughter to be more defensive?

Accidental or not you do not have to rush into any discussion. Take the time to read the links and think about it. Having multiple demands and worries will build up and sometimes being caught in a cycle of worry makes everything seem overwhelming all at once. This is just another stage of your daughter figuring out where she "fits" as the adult she is growing into.

I would agree that your daughter is dealing with a variety of social influence and C19 has made SM as important as socialising in real life.
However I am going to suggest that your husband take the lead in this. Of the 3 of you only he knows what it is like cope with puberty as a 16 year old boy.
She is at the age where she will be trying meet a girl and have "grown-up" relationships. You and your husband's relationship will be one she has seen work in good times and bad. I am guessing that she has not seen a F/F relationship within your family?
It may be that her personality better matches that of your husband?
There may be a number of reasons other than her having gender dysphoria. So let her father lead with what is was like to go through male puberty, developing sexual feelings and physical reactions to stimuli. What changes have happened from a male perspective (topics like toxic masculinity, me too etc) and being a "man" in 2022.

🌻

I don’t think it’s controversial to say that one view of your situation is likely to be preferred to others on this site, OP.

I’m not suggesting that posters are transphobic, and there’s lots of helpful stuff here. I would suggest you take soundings from more than one source.