Could you stay married to a TRA?

[SapphosRock]

She believes TWAW, their feelings are more important than women’s rights and some lesbians have penises. Get over it. She was on here once upon a time but got permanently banned.
Everything else about the relationship is wonderful. Can we get past this? It seems like a stupid reason to get divorced. Our values used to be fairly similar but she’s got heavily involved in trans activism and I have gone the other way. Sorry for the pity party, just feel quite down about it today. Has anyone else been through similar?

Oh god Sapphos. I'm sorry. I have no advice only my sympathies. I'll try to come up with something more helpful in a bit.

Nope. Mate not mate if you know what I mean.

If she's old enough to be married she's old enough not to be taken in by all that shit. I wouldn't want to censor my conversation with my own partner.

Not likely. Sorry

No, not been through similar. I'm sorry you feel this way

Personally I have married someone who has the same religious beliefs as I have, and I'm not sure I could have done that if they had different beliefs when we met.

But given that people change, either you change together or you grow apart... If it's possible for both of you to accept that you have different beliefs and still respect each other, perhaps the marriage can survive?

I honestly don't know the answer I'm very sorry to hear this Sapphos and I hope someone a bit more helpful than me will be along soon

That is a very hard aspect to tackle. Because it is so far reaching, isn't it?

I have no advice. I can sympathise though. There was a period of time at the start of last year when I broached the subject with my spouse and they told me they did not want to hear about it at all. That made it hard because they weren't willing to even discuss it reasonably.

They have since become more aware of how far ranging the impacts are and we are now able to discuss it. But the not being able to discuss it as two grown arsed adults was difficult.

I've seen your thoughts on the whole subject change over time and I'm sorry you're having problems at home now. Once the scales fall from the eyes it's very hard to stick them back in.

But I couldn't stay married to someone who thinks men are much more important than women, and who thinks it's ok for women's hard-won rights to be removed in favour of men and male-born people.

@HollowTalk

If she's old enough to be married she's old enough not to be taken in by all that shit. I wouldn't want to censor my conversation with my own partner.

She's older than me and I'm pretty old!

We try not to talk about it but sometimes we can't help it.

It’s really difficult. My husband is very much why can’t everyone just be kind 🙄

Interestingly he’s seeing it more and more from my point of view.

I try not to talk about it with him generally though.

I couldn't stay married to someone who thinks men are much more important than women, and who thinks it's ok for women's hard-won rights to be removed in favour of men and male-born people.

She honestly sees no difference at all between women and TW, well apart from she thinks TW are more oppressed.

No.

Oh Sappho , I'm so sorry .
For me this would constitute an irreconcilable difference and would be a deal-breaker .
No advice , just .

There is a point where it tips in to mens rights activism sadly. However many good people began by being very onside and believing in all the dogma until their eyes were opened wider by experience, and many posters here came via that route themselves. I did.

If it can be a subject that is closed and difference of opinion respected then yes, I could respect that we saw something differently at present and that's ok. My whole viewpoint is that different belief systems can operate fine side by side so long as one isn't trying to control and change the other (or remove their resources and language and realities and yada yada.) On the other hand if it was someone actively going out to work against women..... that's probably where my line would be.

I'm so sorry Sappho Really hope it works out.

I don't know. It would depend a lot on the details that I'd have to iron out, like other philosophical differences, and how willing my partner was to respect my right to an opinion.

For example, if you were incapacitated and needed intimate care in hospital, and had previously said you wanted female carers for that only, would she fight for your rights to be respected, even though she doesn't hold the same opinion herself?

If you were in an open plan shower area in a gym and someone who was recognisably not born female came in, would she respect your right to leave? Or would she think it was hateful for you to leave? Would it be your social obligations to stay in the shower area in order to appear welcoming?

This issue can feel all consuming at times and deeply personal, but in the context of your whole lives it is small. Humans are tribal and we feel mortally wounded when someone we love opposes our views.
Do you believe they're acting in good faith? I have some friends who are similar, and whilst I am disappointed and don't want to talk to them about it, I do understand they think they're doing right.

The achievements we've made have all been about lobbying and shifting the Overton window. Bringing court cases and supporting one another. There is no success to be gained from ending any kind of relationship - we need distraction and support from our networks. We are the side of the sensible, and we need to be waiting with open arms when the penny drops.

Many relationships cover political differences, but everyone has been under so much pressure over the last year. Once everyone is out and about with friends and hobbies you might feel differently.

Sounds rough sapphos

I cant really comment on your specific situation but my XP was very much a NAMALT and women are just as bad etc

Its exhausting having to start sentences with I know its not all men but..and putting disclaimers on, on here without having to do the same at home too.

If you cant vent and have conversations at a basic level with your spouse then who can you talk to? It gets lonely for sure. I know partners don't have to agree on everything but when they believe in something that you know to be untrue and/or offensive then I think that cab ve a real deal breaker.

Once seen you cant unsee, and I'm not sure it's something you can avoid talking about, and I dont think I could get past it myself.

But it's a big thing to end a relationship and only you know if it's something you can get past.

Sappho

No, I really couldn’t.

I’m sorry, it must be horrendously difficult for you to be facing this dilemma.

I couldn't. I have no patience for the TWAW believers and would start to resent them for their lack of critical thought.

I'm sorry you are going through this. You always seem very accepting on here and not phobic against anything in any way. I can not see why she doesn't have a proper think about why someone like you is questioning this ideology.

If you were to split up would she consider a sexual relationship with a transwoman, penis and all?

Hope you're ok

Thanks all for the advice.

She accuses me of being anti trans and even thought I would have a problem with her meeting up with a TW friend (I obviously wouldn't) and she looks at me like I've lost my mind a lot of the time.

She isn't happy about me being part of a local feminist organisation as she thinks she could lose her job if her work found out. The irony of women being bullied out of their jobs for supporting women's rights is completely lost on her.

If you were to split up would she consider a sexual relationship with a transwoman, penis and all?

Oh God probably. Penises can be very feminine apparently.

Hells teeth