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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Why give child man' s surname

191 replies

DeedledeDee · 23/03/2021 17:06

Just that. Woman I know not married, strong feminist, determined to keep her own name, then gives children his surname.
Why not give her own surname ? In some cultures they do ,they follow the maternal line.
Also, I know it would be less complicated if there are several children to different father's.
Men come and go, but children usually stay with the mum. Would be sensible then if they all have her family name.
What do you think?

OP posts:
Hensintheskirting · 23/03/2021 17:14

I think this is really hard. I've got 2 children and am not married to their father although we've been together 20 years. They have his surname - I just did it without thinking. I would have loved to give them my surname as a middle name, but just didn't think of it to be honest. It didn't seem important at the time. I've told him that if we marry I will not change my name - but he's welcome to change his to mine. He scoffed at that idea. It IS horribly sexist and unfair but I'm not sure what the solution is, because it's equally unfair if they take the mothers' surname surely.

Echobelly · 23/03/2021 17:17

The kids have his surname because I have a boring anglicised surname and he has a cool, unusual one! We are married but I kept my surname because, although it's boring, it works well with my first name and I just didn't fancy changing it.

DH has taken my surname as a middle name as of a few years ago and the kids would like that too - this reminds me, must do it for son, as he has a passport renewal coming up so we should get it done before then.

Scout2016 · 23/03/2021 17:18

I can't speak for others but I'm married, kept my own surname but when we had a child she got his surname because mine is bloody awful and I wouldn't have her suffer it. It's as simple as that really. I didn't feel as strongly about that as about keeping my name because she is descended from his family, I am not.
Don't know if, had I had a less awful surname, I might have felt differently.
Ironically, I have this surname because of my mum's feminist stance - they weren't married so she went double barrelled for me rather than give up her name.

Deadringer · 23/03/2021 17:19

I think that all women should keep their name on marriage, children should have their mother's name, and the term 'maiden name' should be abolished. That's just my opinion though, people will do whatever they want.

picklemewalnuts · 23/03/2021 17:21

It's too late for me! My sons have my family name as a middle name. I changed because at the time it was the norm and I didn't think hard about the implications.

BrandineDelRoy · 23/03/2021 17:22

I think boys should get dad's name and girls get mom's. I didn't do this because my "maiden" name is horrid, but I always thought it could be a way to go.

Chimeraforce · 23/03/2021 17:22

I'm not married to my child's father. Been together since 1996.
I put his name as her surname and my surname as a middle name.
I found it hard at first at the doctors. They'd call her name and I'd ignore them ☺️as I didn't associate it with me.

Scout2016 · 23/03/2021 17:24

I have a friend who invented a new surname, half hers and half his. That avoids double barreling but only works if the names sound ok bodged together.

Original poster
DeedledeDee · 23/03/2021 17:25

It's a patriarchal society and women when they marry become the man's property.
A woman just tells her bank and job etc if her name change with no need for deed poll.
However, if a man changes his surname it has to be by deed poll.
I know one couple who married and " merged" their surnames, which can work .
I also read that a couple,married or not, can give any surname they choose to the children.
Apparently it doesn't even have to be a family name !!
If I had a dreadful surname like Smellie or Ramsbottom however,I would jump at the chance of changing to husband's, and if he had a dreadful name, he should be able to change to mine in same easy manner as I to his. That's treating both sexes equally

OP posts:
Usagi12 · 23/03/2021 17:28

I would describe myself as a strong feminist but I took my husband name. He did offer to take mine bless him but tbh I really hated it and couldn't wait to be rid. My married name is so much nicer 🤣🤣

drspouse · 23/03/2021 17:32

I don't really like my surname but kept it after marriage (mainly for work reasons). We have a DS first and my surname is a bit weird for a boy (DB married into a country where children always get both so his DDs can choose which one to have; my DU wanted to change his to his DW on marriage but caved in to my DGF; no other fathers in the family in the last 40 years; one Dcousin won't have children due to a medical condition, so there's just one Dcousin left to decide whether to pass it on or not). I should have pushed harder with DD though.

MildredPuppy · 23/03/2021 17:32

I think we need to scrap surnames and have QR codes instead.
Most people are known by their given name and the surname just helps a bit with differentation on legal document and records.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 23/03/2021 17:33

My DD had her fathers surname (we married when she was 4 years old), as mine looks like a cat has walked across the keyboard. No way on Earth, was I inflicting that on my child.

SwearyMaclary · 23/03/2021 17:46

It’s funny how many women say that they gave their child the father’s surname because they hate their own, but you almost never hear of the reverse happening.

cheeseismydownfall · 23/03/2021 17:47

I took DHs name without thinking when we married. I'm a bit cross about that now, although I don't know what the alternative would be, they are all a bit crap - for me personally it was important for us all to have the same name, and double barrelling isn't ideal and only solves the problem for one generation. DH taking my name would have meant him losing his family link. Making up a new name is an option I guess, although it feels a bit like children cutting the last fragment of cake in half because neither can bear to let the other one have it.

I guess in some ways I'm relieved I didn't think harder at the time because if I had have done there is no way I would have quietly gone along with taking his name, but at the same time I don't know what would be better. I agree with the PPs who point out that if there is going to be a 'normal' approach then we've got it the wrong way round because in practice children are more likely to remain with their mother's in the event of a marriage breakdown.

One thing I've noticed in these threads though is how many women have terrible maiden names they can't wait to be shot of. Funny how these terrible names seem to always belong to the woman and not the man Hmm

Popcornbetty · 23/03/2021 17:50

Took my husbands name and gave it to the dc as well as i wanted us all to have the same name. I also felt like it was a fresh start for me!

Wishitsnows · 23/03/2021 17:54

It's odd how many women have terrible names they can't wait to change yet their fathers and brothers never do

BrandineDelRoy · 23/03/2021 18:01

I have a legitimately horrid name. If you Google it, you find it was one of the insulting surnames imposed on Ashkenazi Jews by the Hapsburgs. But my brother's kids are growing up with it, just like I did. I made it my middle name when I married.

I think many men would change last names if society didn't see it as emasculating.

malloo · 23/03/2021 18:04

I didn't change my name when we got married, but our kids have got DH's surname. I can't remember the exact reason, I think it was something a bit stupid along the lines of they were more obviously mine given I carried them and gave birth to them and I felt DH was a bit left out of the whole process? Didn't think it through that well I'm embarrassed to say! And I probably wouldn't have done the same now, but not sure what I would have done, would it really be better if they had my name? After all, it was, and still is, a joint project Smile.

Northernsoullover · 23/03/2021 18:05

I gave my children their fathers surname. Mine is awful and I'd change it if I didn't want to upset my dad. Its also distinctive. I have a job in which I'm not always viewed favourably. I've had to change all my social media accounts. My boys surnames are common and will blend in nicely.

LadyChappers · 23/03/2021 18:08

@DeedledeDee

Just that. Woman I know not married, strong feminist, determined to keep her own name, then gives children his surname. Why not give her own surname ? In some cultures they do ,they follow the maternal line. Also, I know it would be less complicated if there are several children to different father's. Men come and go, but children usually stay with the mum. Would be sensible then if they all have her family name. What do you think?
My children have my surname. It was never something heavily debated - I grew them, I named them. On the other hand - my husband was comfortable marrying a feminist, so I guess I would have been surprised had this ended up being more of an issue.
BraveBananaBadge · 23/03/2021 18:10

My situation is exactly the same as Hens' above. And I thought I would feel very strongly about DCs not having my name. As soon as I gave birth though I knew nothing could take that connection away from me and that was enough, I didn't mind.

Can't see myself ever changing my name now, but sometimes wonder if it would be easier to all be the same.

DoggyDoolittle · 23/03/2021 18:11

Completely agree. I don't get it either. Naming your child with your male partner's surname is giving in to centuries of women being dominated by men.
To be fair though, almost any woman's own pre-marriage surname (and yes, I changed mine) is a symbol of hundreds of years of female ancestors being the chattel of their husbands. For centuries, they have lost their own surname and taken a new one; that's how I ended up with the one I had.

LibertyMole · 23/03/2021 18:11

My children have my surname. Their father’s was not as good as mine.

Hoowhoowho · 23/03/2021 18:15

I have my father’s surname
DH has his mother’s

We both kept our surnames on marriage
DC1 had family middle name from my side and his surname (she died as an infant as we knew was likely)
DC2 ditto
DC3 has my surname (and same middle name as DC1)

So my two living children have different aurnamwa

My husband’s sister also has her mother’s surname which she kept on marriage and gave to her son.

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