Why give child man' s surname

[DeedledeDee]

Just that. Woman I know not married, strong feminist, determined to keep her own name, then gives children his surname.
Why not give her own surname ? In some cultures they do ,they follow the maternal line.
Also, I know it would be less complicated if there are several children to different father's.
Men come and go, but children usually stay with the mum. Would be sensible then if they all have her family name.
What do you think?

I don't really understand what all the sneery posts about pp who say their name is boring or difficult are getting at.

Are you trying to say they (we - although mine was the other reason - don't really care and don't feel need to give my kids my surname for a sense of connection) are deluded victims of the patriachy?

Because we do also recognise its the easy choice because thats the way society has been set up for last 50 years for parents with different surnames. It is a relevantly recent change - my surname is in fact a 'bastard line' in which a 16th century ancestor sole female heir deliberately gave birth before marriage to preserve family name on property before father with cash was married in. Its the legality of marriage contract which gave husband ownership of wife and kids not the surname. It is all really fascinating- and a bit horrifying. Women used to lose all rights on marriage.

For record I know 2 men who changed name on marriage so tiny sample. One because he had unloved step father's surname, other because he was a Pratt.

I don't really get the argument that the woman's last name came from their father.
Well yes but times have changed and as generations go on, surely it'll eventually be the woman's name?

Or is it just another reason to carry on with appealing to men.

I don't really understand what all the sneery posts about pp who say their name is boring or difficult are getting at

Just wish they’d be honest with themselves and the rest of us. You (not you specifically but the general you) did it for convention and convenience. End of.

Are you trying to say they (we - although mine was the other reason - don't really care and don't feel need to give my kids my surname for a sense of connection) are deluded victims of the patriachy?

I don’t think anyone is saying that.

I mean, change your last name or not. I don’t care. But stop suggesting it’s for personal reasons when for the majority, it’s just cultural.

Thing is, neither party needs to drop their last name upon marriage but if they both db they can both have the same should they so wish.
My OH is happy to add my last name to his and I'm happy to do the same.
Our daughter has both of our names too so we will all be the same.
To us it is really simple.

These threads come up so often 😂

I would never have had children with a different name to me. I remember my mum remarrying when I was 16 and that last year in school with her having a different name was horrible.

That said, I would never have been in that position as marriage and children were both things I felt strongly for me, went hand in hand.

So when I got married I knew I wanted the same name as my husband and I was happy to change. I have a lot of brothers so knew my family name would live on plus my name, while not different could be spelt two ways so I wanted to be able to give that up (except on the phone people can't seem to hear the end of my one syllable married name so I'm still spelling it 🤷🏽‍♀️). Final reason was DH was the only boy (his dad has brothers with boys so its not like the name would end as such but I wanted to continue it for them).

One of my brothers took our step dads name and despite that marriage to our mum being short lived he kept the name and him and his family still use it now.

Everyone should be free to decide what name they want for their own family.

I don't really understand what all the sneery posts about pp who say their name is boring or difficult are getting at.

It’s quite simple. These threads are always full of people saying their surname is boring, whereas DH/P’s surname is lovely, hence the change. Or variations on that theme.

Strangely - men don’t seem to have boring surnames that they rush to change to their female partner’s much more appealing name.

Every thread is the same.

We are not married so any kids coming out of me were always going to have my name. My DP hates his surname. So we gave them both a middle name that is connected to where DP grew up. They are young and haven't started asking why we don't all have the same name.

We did consider creating a new surname, but any mash up of ours was just comedy gold.

Thanks for replying UsedUpUsername but i still don"t get it. Most 'personal' choices are based on a mix of cultural, personal history, unconcious bias etc. Most decisions and actions are unconscious and then subject to post-hoc justification.

I just don't get why this one bugs you so much. Majority of women follow current cultural norm in naming children is not a suprise.

If this is meant to be feminist consciousness raising then I think we need a better strategy on why its important that woman realise and challenge this.

There is a story here. Which is the last 60 year blip of 'respectable marriages' 2.4 children, one wage earner, one SAHM - with his surname. Some bits of it are breaking down faster than others - children out of wedlock, both work, she keeps her name... it is interesting that naming of children not changing at same speed. I do think - based on my choices - its just doesn't seem as personal as the other bits so didn't really occur to me to fight the cultural norm. I have all the other bits, this is not the hill I would die on.

@23PissOffAvenueWF

Yeah, yeah, all these women with dull / boring / horrible / plain surnames that they just can’t wait to be rid of. While their DH / DP has a fabulous / exotic / interesting / no-baggage-at-all surname.

Right.

My ExH's surname is very boring but is sure beats not having to spell it out over and over and over again, plus people don't ask me to repeat it and then mangle it as they try to pronounce it. Twenty years after I divorced him I still have the same surname because I want to. Freedom of choice and all that.

I changed mine and the kids have their dads, mainly because my dad was very abusive and I could wait to get rid of it.

Couldn’t even

My ExH's surname is very boring but is sure beats not having to spell it out over and over and over again, plus people don't ask me to repeat it and then mangle it as they try to pronounce it. Twenty years after I divorced him I still have the same surname because I want to. Freedom of choice and all that.

No-one’s saying people shouldn’t have freedom choice. Just fun observing the rationale people give to same-old-same-old take the man’s name.

I've been married twice and have always kept my name and my dc (from my first marriage) have both our names.
My dh wanted to take my name when we married, so that he would share the same name as me and his step children - his own dad hit the roof about this, threatened to never talk to him again

Oh yes. All the people I know who 'just happen to prefer' their spouse's surname are always women.

Their spouse's name is simpler and easier to spell. Alternatively, their partner's name is way more unusual and interesting and they've always wanted a more unusual name.

On the rare occasion I that a man has taken his wife's surname (not double-barrelled), it's usually because he dislikes his father and doesn't want to continue the family name.

I have never met a man who 'just happened to prefer' his wife's name. I've never met a man who said 'well I've got a brother whose wife has taken his name and my fiancée is an only child so it makes sense to take her name.'

I did once read an article by a journalist called Alice Roberts (Robertson?) whose husband told her that if she loved him she would take his surname. She now writes under her married name of Alice Smellie.

I guess she 'just happened' to prefer it.

i was married to my sons father and didn't ask his "permission" I simply went and registered DS with my surname. I was the one who wanted a son, he wanted a daughter so why not. I also kept my own surname through two marriages. This was in the 1980s and people non stop asked questions about it.
Neither of my marriages lasted, they didn't like my free spirited ways.

For me the issue is that they wouldn’t be getting my name, they’d be getting my father (or stepfather’s name). We all seem to forget that our surnames are usually our father’s surnames, they all usually come from men

I was abused by my father. My stepfather was also abusive and horrible but I grew up with his surname so just changed it to that when I was 18 as it was on so much stuff already.

I had absolutely no issue taking my DH’s name when we got married - I’d rather share his surname than either of those two. Other option would be picking a random name out of a book - my mother’s maiden name was her father’s surname, also an abusive bastard. Why would I want it?

So giving our own names doesn’t equate to some feminist act to me, when it’s usually just giving them the name of our fathers.

I don’t think it’s anyone’s business. Unless the woman is being coerced, then the real focus shouldn’t be on the child’s surname but supporting the mother from getting out of an abusive situation.

I’m sure in the past names were a lot more fluid. But then so were cases of bigamy etc.

The child grows up and can decide for themselves their own names. Your name belongs to you not your parents, they give you one you’re not obliged to keep it.

I changed my name on marriage, i wasnt going to and at one point we were both going to change but in the end it was me and my name was probably better than his. I definitely did it (in the end) for convenience and convention

What’s infuriating though is the small amount of posters who get criticised when they say that they didnt like their original surname. I appreciate that its a class based discussion but I don’t think telling name changing posters that you know why they really did it and that they are lying stupid or mistaken is fair (not necessarily on this thread)

And like little dh dad went off the rails at the mere suggestion sh change his surname, so there are probably men out there who hate their name but due to convenience and convention can’t change it

I think im most irritated by this as im on a thread about porn and every poster who says their dh doesn’t look at porn is being told how very very wrong they are about their own relationships

Actually after all I've said I do know someone who had a genuinely awful surname so took her the husbands and gave it to her Dd.
She remarried a couple of years back and they both took his name as husband 1 was awful as a husband and father, and no way was she going back to the terrible maiden name.
Her Dd was around 20 by this point though so totally her choice.

I know someone whose new partner said he wouldn’t marry her unless she took his surname (and therefore be different from her children)

Personally, I wouldn’t have got married

We all seem to forget that our surnames are usually our father’s surnames, they all usually come from men

What are you talking about - no-one forgets that?! It’s patently obvious.

But change has to start somewhere. I have a friend who’s surname is her Mum’s, which is her Mum’s. Before that, it was a man’s. But it’s been a woman’s for three generations now.

As I say, change has to start somewhere.

@SinkGirl

For me the issue is that they wouldn’t be getting my name, they’d be getting my father (or stepfather’s name). We all seem to forget that our surnames are usually our father’s surnames, they all usually come from men

I was abused by my father. My stepfather was also abusive and horrible but I grew up with his surname so just changed it to that when I was 18 as it was on so much stuff already.

I had absolutely no issue taking my DH’s name when we got married - I’d rather share his surname than either of those two. Other option would be picking a random name out of a book - my mother’s maiden name was her father’s surname, also an abusive bastard. Why would I want it?

So giving our own names doesn’t equate to some feminist act to me, when it’s usually just giving them the name of our fathers.

So then your children wouldn't be getting your husband's name either.

And you wouldn't be getting your husband's name, just a random name from one of his ancestors.

I understand why you wouldn't want to continue to share the name of someone who abused you. Usually such a situation accounts for the rare occasions when men change their surnames on marriage too.