Why give child man' s surname

[DeedledeDee]

Just that. Woman I know not married, strong feminist, determined to keep her own name, then gives children his surname.
Why not give her own surname ? In some cultures they do ,they follow the maternal line.
Also, I know it would be less complicated if there are several children to different father's.
Men come and go, but children usually stay with the mum. Would be sensible then if they all have her family name.
What do you think?

the thought of having to have this discussion with every family member, every friend, every school, every doctor was too much for me

Why do you need to discuss this with every family member?

As for official persons- really? Beyond telling them your name?

Like other posters the reasons to justify the naming protocols are very flimsy.

And that's setting aside the alacrity of so many women to tell the whole world that they've bagged a man and are now "Mrs"

@MissBarbary

the thought of having to have this discussion with every family member, every friend, every school, every doctor was too much for me

Why do you need to discuss this with every family member?

As for official persons- really? Beyond telling them your name?

Like other posters the reasons to justify the naming protocols are very flimsy.

And that's setting aside the alacrity of so many women to tell the whole world that they've bagged a man and are now "Mrs"

Of course I shouldn't have to, and perhaps I wouldn't have had to at, say the doctor, but certainly in my area/friendship/family group, the decision not to take DH's surname was met with the oddest responses. I had people tell me to my face that they were going to be sending cards to "Mr and Mrs DHName just to make a point". I had a random bloke in a client's office ask me, "why wouldn't you change your name? that must really upset your husband". I had a woman on the helpdesk at my bank insist that I needed to change to Mrs DH Surname as it wasn't legal to keep my name because apparently "as soon as you marry, your name automatically changes."

I still get endless post addressed to Mr and Mrs DH Name. My own parents were outraged and accepted it eventually but with bad grace (in their defence, they find DH's name very difficult and had put a lot of effort into ensuring they could pronounce it! )

The school is respectful, theoretically, but of course I have to clarify who I am every single time I call/email as they are incapable of remembering that the DC and I have different names. (I'm not talking about random teacher calling me Mrs DCName as I walk past - there's no reason for her to know exactly what my name is but rather the admin staff with whom I engage regularly or my child's actual teacher). I have had things linked to the PTA, ALL of which I do in my own name eg emailing from MY email address, or logging on via MY facebook etc and yet on a formal PTA notification I will be down as Triffid DHName. That one never ceases to irritate me.

So to add having to justify and explain my children having different names was too much for me. I know that in the perfect world we'd all fight the good fight all the time. But I didn't have it in me.

@Mygardenisnotperfect Yes I imagine it is quite funny! I was talking about this with my DH and said if we ever split I’d probably change my name back - unless he acted like an arse about it in which case I’d keep it just to piss him off!

I haven't found that my kids having their father's surname has had any significant effect on their or my life. I occasionally think I should have changed my name, but it hasn't had much effect either.

I don't think, across cultures, that naming customs like this really reflect women's place in society much. So it's a bit much to judge other people's decisions around it.

'Then the next generation will work something out. Keep a name, drop a name, look at what siblings have done and choose to keep the 'other' name.
There are lots of options which don't involve ditching names purely on the basis that you are female.'

They have the option not to change it or to double barrel it but unless the husband is all changing his then really the female thing still stands doesnt it? The husband isn't changing his name yet the woman is adding a name in and to me it just complicates things even more for the next generation, i wouldn't bother. Each to their own.

also*

I actually proposed and really fought for this (daughters given my last name and sons given his) and my DH wouldn’t hear of it. He didn’t even care that I never bothered to change my name either.

@usedupusername it sounds like you have quite serious DH issues then which go well beyond names!

On their UK passports my DCs have their father's name, but they have both our names on their Southern European ones.

@yellowbluefish

I actually proposed and really fought for this (daughters given my last name and sons given his) and my DH wouldn’t hear of it. He didn’t even care that I never bothered to change my name either.

@usedupusername it sounds like you have quite serious DH issues then which go well beyond names!

We don’t, in fact. And I’d say I’m not alone as most children of married women who don’t change their names are given the male family name ...

@usedupusername I guess we have to agree to differ then but I wouldn't want that kind of power imbalance with my DH.

For us, DH has a DD from his 1st marriage. ExW took his surname and subsequently DD has their surname too.

I would prefer our family to all have the same surname so it made sense for me to take his surname when we married. We wouldn't be able to change DSD's surname to mine or a new surname so taking his was the only option to keep it all the same.

If he didn't already have a DD when we married, I'd have preferred us to come up with a new surname. He was actually open to this idea but like I said, I personally wanted us all to have the same.

The trouble with double-barrelling (which I understand ) - what happens for the next generation ? 2 people, both with double barrelled surnames have a child - double barrelling double barrelled names is a nightmare surely. At some point someone has to decide. You could argue double barrelling is just pushing that decision onto the next generation. Is that fair?

I think it's sad but is the norm. That's not to blame women who do it; change happens slowly.

My kids all have my surname but it's unusual even in people I know who are largely progressive and feminist.

Many have individual reasons: don't like own name, his name cooler etc, but like the reasons women end up doing all the housework / childcare, they are varied but ends up the same.

I remember my mum had lots of friends who were feminist and so had kept their name at marriage but the kids still got the dad's name and as a girl as I realised this i was incensed.

These women had taken a stand against patriarchy and ended up the odd one out in the family.

There was no way I was going to do that, but it did mean I'd been thinking about it for 20 years before I had kids!

We changed to a new surname to mark the new family starting. It was great.

@DPotter I just see it as not my decision to make, if DS wants to keep both parts and his future spouse wants to take his name, great, if he wants to drop half or take spouse's name also great, if they want to make up a whole new name good for them. They may have different attachments to their names, different feelings about sharing a name with a spouse or child, all their decision to make. I'm not bothered about a family line etc, I just wanted to share a name with my husband and my child while he was growing up, and so did DH. I didn't see why it should be only be to make the change.

I kept my own name and took DH's, but didn't hyphenate. We've been married 26yrs. DD has DH's name, but has been talking of wanting to use my name too, like I do. I probably should have done that at birth
I never questioned it at the time, but it doesn't bother me in any way. The only thing that bothers me is being addressed as Mrs DH's first name and surname, I have a first name of my own.