Why give child man' s surname

[DeedledeDee]

Just that. Woman I know not married, strong feminist, determined to keep her own name, then gives children his surname.
Why not give her own surname ? In some cultures they do ,they follow the maternal line.
Also, I know it would be less complicated if there are several children to different father's.
Men come and go, but children usually stay with the mum. Would be sensible then if they all have her family name.
What do you think?

@WaverleyOwl

I had slightly different reasoning and thought long and hard about this. When I got married, I didn't change my name. When we had our two DSs I gave them my surname as a middle name, and DHs as surname.

My thinking was that I had the link to my children as I gave birth to them. My husband didn't have that, so I let them have his surname to give them that tie.

I don't know if that's a good enough reason, but it seemed to make sense at the time.

This was actually at the core of my DH’s reasoning, tbh

I don’t consider my surname to be “my father’s”, it’s mine. Even though my dad was a shit dad, it’s my surname. Even though I don’t like my surname, it’s mine. Even if I had considered getting married, I’d have kept MY surname. My dad wouldn’t have been “giving me away” either, my mum would have “walked me down the aisle”. If my partner had said “if you loved me, you’d take my name, on marriage” I’d be saying it right back and that would probably have been the end of the relationship (if I hadn’t already spotted the warning signs!) I’m neither passing nor not passing my father’s name down, it’s nothing to do with him, in my view. I chose to give my children the same surname (NOT “passing down”) as their father, so he had that palpable connection.
No convention, no convenience, no nice/horrible name and definitely no lying (to myself or otherwise)!
On another note though, I do send Christmas cards to “The Family Opening” to my brother for ease, (I use her own surname when I’m sending something just to his partner though) so I hope she’s not offended/thinks it’s a sleight!

On another note though, I do send Christmas cards to “The Family Opening” to my brother for ease, (I use her own surname when I’m sending something just to his partner though)

I send cards to the ‘her name - his name family’ if I know they don’t have the same surname.

BeingATwatItsABingThing No I didn't read your comment, I was responding to the OP

I double barrelled my surname originally, but the DCs took ex's surname. I did insist that I wouldn't do so unless we were married, but apparently that was less of a security than I thought it was
I'm now remarried (double-barrelled again), so now I have no names in common with my DCs. I regret that.

My 'maiden' name is just a name inherited from my father (who I love) but still a name given to me by a man.

With taking my husband's name that was a choice I made. DH didn't assume I'd be taking it we discussed it before getting married and I made the choice to have the same name as him, he didn't want to change to mine (he's the last in his family with that surname) but was happy for me to keep it if I wanted too.

I think as long as it is a choice you have made rather than just an assumption from society then it really doesn't matter.

I am not married, DCs have DH surname. I do regret it in many ways however as others have said by having his name that is his tie to them. I wish there was a better solution, I like the boy his name, girl my name thing. I never use '2021 Vision' family I use my surname/his surname family or a nickname we have.

One thing I really don't get on these threads is the number of women who don't like their so change it. I have never never ever heard a man say that he doesn't like his name and want to change it. It really does sound a rather pathetic reason. How many of you have brothers who changed their name as they didn't like it?!

Lastly and each to their own, why do people who get married again then change their name again. To me doing this and thus having a different name to your DCs is putting your 'man' above your children, just why would you do this!

I think boys should get dad's name and girls get mom's.

WTF?! Did I not carry my son for as long as my daughter? Do I not love my son as much? Am I not as attached to him as to my daughter?

Children should have their mothers’ names because they come from our bodies. The father’s surname should be a middle name.

@wusbanker

BeingATwatItsABingThing No I didn't read your comment, I was responding to the OP

Ah ok! It just seemed to fit with what I’d said.

@Lessthanaballpark

I think boys should get dad's name and girls get mom's.

WTF?! Did I not carry my son for as long as my daughter? Do I not love my son as much? Am I not as attached to him as to my daughter?

Children should have their mothers’ names because they come from our bodies. The father’s surname should be a middle name.

This is probably the better choice for women who did not change their names upon marriage though, otherwise they’ll have no names in common with their children.

Every situation is different so it’s pointless trying to justify it either way. Surely naming a child is a joint decision and both families have equal “claim” on the new life. Couples have to work it out accordingly/fairly, women who go with the man’s surname often insist on their choice of first/middle name as a nod to their side of the family. Or vice versa. Many people wouldn’t like the idea of a first name that they didn’t chose/love/was linked to another family..

Or are you suggesting the woman should have claim on all the names chosen for the child as they are the ones giving birth? It’s a very personal and complex decision for many. Not to be trivialised as just a silly mistake.

I’m married with children and we all have my husband’s name. I hated my surname growing up (was made fun of for it and did not have the best relationship with My dad). My husband asked before we married if I wanted to keep my name, double barrel or even make something new but I liked his surname. I’m very much a feminist too - gave myself away at wedding - female speeches and we’re very much 50/50 partnership in all aspects of life.

I kept my surname and my children have a double barrelled surname, mine then husbands.

'I kept my surname and my children have a double barrelled surname, mine then husbands.'

The only thing with that is what will the next generation do? It works for one generation only.

@Popcornbetty

'I kept my surname and my children have a double barrelled surname, mine then husbands.'

The only thing with that is what will the next generation do? It works for one generation only.

Then the next generation will work something out. Keep a name, drop a name, look at what siblings have done and choose to keep the 'other' name.

There are lots of options which don't involve ditching names purely on the basis that you are female.

It's the other way around with me - my OH would marry me tomorrow but I'm far more cautious.
Our daughter is db'd with both of our last names.

@SwearyMaclary

It’s funny how many women say that they gave their child the father’s surname because they hate their own, but you almost never hear of the reverse happening.

Indeed, men never seem to worry about burdening their children with awful surnames.

I kept my name, and DDs have my surname with DH’s as a second middle name. Would have been the reverse if we’d had boys (that’s what we agreed). Double barrelling wouldn’t have worked, and only kicks the can down the road anyway.

Neither of us have common surnames, and I feel a bit guilty that his now may end with him, but that’s partly because his two sisters (5 DCs between them) changed their surnames.

I gave DC their first name. DH gave their surname. That seems fair. If I’d haggled on the surname I probably wouldn’t have got my choice of first name.

DS (dads surname) has just informed me that he wishes to triple-barrel with my double barrelled surname

Try having a conversation about giving your children the mother’s last name instead of the father’s and you’ll know why this happens. It goes nowhere.

I actually proposed and really fought for this (daughters given my last name and sons given his) and my DH wouldn’t hear of it. He didn’t even care that I never bothered to change my name either.

Yes, this. And even when your DH is up for it (as mine was) having already faced a barrage of passive aggressive, sarcastic comments and eye rolls for keeping my name, the thought of having to have this discussion with every family member, every friend, every school, every doctor was too much for me.

One thing I really don't get on these threads is the number of women who don't like their so change it. I have never never ever heard a man say that he doesn't like his name and want to change it. It really does sound a rather pathetic reason. How many of you have brothers who changed their name as they didn't like it?!

This! I have a friend who genuinely had a terrible name and claims that's why she changed. Every time her brother and his wife pop up on my facebook feed with the wife having taken the terrible name, I have a little private chuckle.

I gave my daughter her Fathers surname. It was a big mistake as he is absent from her life. I paid £200 and went to court where a Judge allowed me to change it without his consent. She now has my surname

@Marble2302 Well done for getting it changed.

One of the many many signs of the emotional control and manipulation "BIL" has over SIL is that they're not married and she wanted to give their DC her name but he pulled his sad, puppy dog little routine about how all he wanted in life was to feel like his children were really his and that he had never had any family so having family with his name was soooo important to him. And she, as always, gave into him. When they eventually split up (I live in hope) I have no doubt she will regret that because while he'll be present, she will be stuck with 95% of all child related stuff and a child with a different name to her. Sigh.

It's a patriarchal society and women when they marry become the man's property

I am not my husbands property and never signed anything to say such a thing, or was asked to.
DH wouldn't want to "own" me anyway!

I have friends, she had a very cool name, he had a boring name, so he took hers, and their child has hers.
She's not particularly feminist either, they both just preferred her name.