Why give child man' s surname

[DeedledeDee]

Just that. Woman I know not married, strong feminist, determined to keep her own name, then gives children his surname.
Why not give her own surname ? In some cultures they do ,they follow the maternal line.
Also, I know it would be less complicated if there are several children to different father's.
Men come and go, but children usually stay with the mum. Would be sensible then if they all have her family name.
What do you think?

My kids have my surname, and I know a handful of couples who have done this too. I also know two married couples where the man has taken the woman's name. Obviously these are exceptions, but I wonder if it's becoming more common (or at least less unthinkable).

I have my husbands surname and so do kids. If I wasn't married kids would definitely have my surname though.

It wasn’t until I read a thread on here that I realised it is not even ‘tradition’ to give a child the father’s name. It’s always been the case that traditionally the child takes the mother’s name - it’s just that ‘traditionally’ the mother and father are married and the mother has already taken the father’s name. But the child is given it because it’s the mother’s name.

40/50/60/ however many years ago, if a child was born out of wedlock then that child would have been very unlikely to take the father’s name - because it would have been a source of shame to the father’s family.

It is a reasonably recent phenomenon that children born out of wedlock are no longer ‘shameful’. Likewise that there are married parents where the mother hasn’t taken the father’s name.

I took DH’s name when we married. With hindsight, or if I was marrying now, I wouldn’t have done. And any children would definitely have taken my name! I think partly this is driven by the fact that, having seen a few friends divorce, it’s become clear that their ex-dh’s never really ‘gave them’ their name. A few comments like “she’s still got my name” that type of thing. They clearly view the surname as something they ‘own’ and which she has no right to use going forward. I’ve found that a really depressing realisation.

@SwearyMaclary

It’s funny how many women say that they gave their child the father’s surname because they hate their own, but you almost never hear of the reverse happening.

So true lol. Just admit that you did it because of convenience or to avoid a fight with the OH 😂

I think that a child almost always knows who their mother is, so giving them the father's name is OK. I'm married but kept my own surname, as women from my family's country of origin do. I would have kept my own name anyway. Our son has a version of my first name and his father's surname as middle names. We would have double-barrelled it but it was a right mouthful!

I have thought about this a lot, although it does not apply to me personally, it did apply to someone I know, and again they took the man's lastname.
I personally think if not married (or possibly if you are married), then I would give both father and mother lastnames.
The Spanish Tradition, they have 2 lastnames, the first from the father and the second from the mother.
However, quite often in British tradition, the children will have the mother's lastname as a middle name, then the father's lastname.
This could be converted to a double lastname, etc. Or in the case the family split up, then it may be easier to just use one of them.
So, although I think both lastnames are the best, the british tradition would mother, father lastnames, the Spanish tradition would be Father, Mother lastnames

I will never understand why it is the norm for unmarried parents to give the children the dad's name. No way on earth would my kids not have my surname. (Seperate but related, I will also never understand why so many women change their name on marriage, but at least I can see the motivation of the whole family sharing a 'family name').

DH had an awful surname which caused loads of bullying in primary school. He now has his Step Father's name as his mum renamed them after marrying again when he was a teen.
Our DC have a mix of my surname and his step dad's double barrel.
And his step Dad originally added his mother's name to make that as plain old "Smith" wasn't cool. So there are name changing men out there.

I kept my name but gave them DHs surname because

1. We live in denmark, and getting an apprenticeship or job if you have a forrin name is tricky to say the least. I think having a danish surname shows more danishness if that makes sense.
2. I dont like Danish first names and thought it was a good compromise.

I felt much more strongly about my name than dcs.

My children are double barrelled. I had a double barrelled surname before marriage, picked one half and joined it with DH’s, he changed his too.

I like the fact that if we get divorced my kids still have my name and I can drop his but still be connected with my children.

Sorry- MY surname as a middle name!

I gave my kids their dad’s surname but really wish I hadn’t. I didn’t think about it at the time.

DD has my surname, we're not married. There was never any question of it being other than this, although I did get a grilling from DP's family, which I obviously ignored.

It is amazing how children seem to both get their father's surname because their mother's is seen as too difficult and also because their mother's is too boring. Never the other way round though.

I also hate the argument that somehow this isn't a feminist issue because a woman's name is really her father's. Well no, my name is the one I've had my whole life, it's mine. Understandable for women who have difficult relationships with their fathers to want to change it/ not give it to their kids, but you rarely hear about men not wanting to give their surname to their children because they didn't get on with their fathers do you.

@SwearyMaclary

It’s funny how many women say that they gave their child the father’s surname because they hate their own, but you almost never hear of the reverse happening.

I was thinking the same.

Men/Father's don't seem to worry for a second about passing on names like Cock or Nutter or long unusual names!

My maiden name was my dads surname. He fucked off when I was 3 so I didn't really give a shit about keeping it. I happily changed my name to my husbands when we got married. It was my choice and I liked it! It was a no brainier to give our son his dads surname - I'd never have given him MY dads surname, he's never even met him!

We gave our children my surname. DH's parents disowned him and wouldn't see their first grandchild for a year... people are funny about surnames! They still think we're not a real family without a shared surname but we've told them DH wants to keep his own surname!

It's a very good point re divorce or being left with children from absent fathers that the children all have mother's name.

Since most of the time she will remain their carer whether divorced, single , or whatever.

The scenario at the airport is a case in point. Since children no longer are on the mother's passport and all have their own passports,it makes security issues much less complicated to all have sane name as the mother. There have been cases when a father has tried to abduct children to country abroad if he is foreign. It would be more difficult for him to take the children out if the country if his name wasn't theirs.

I double barreled my surname before kids, and hated it. I have a stepson who has my husbands last name, and I wanted any additional kids we might have to have his surname, to blend the family. So I gave them his surname, with mine as a middle name.

We have custody of DSS, and creating a happy blended family was more important to me than anything. It worked for us, as all the children very much feel like siblings, and I think the shared family surname has played a part.

Under different circumstances I’d have used my surname.

Not married. DC have my surname and if married I would now keep my maiden name (gone are the teenage "dreams" of practicing writing "Mrs Jam Boy I Fancy". OH's surname is their 2nd middle name.

OH's family when sending cards or presents to DC always address them as, "name, middle name, his sirnname, my surnamename" or their full birth certificate name. Doesn't bother me.

At school and at the Drs etc they are "name mysurname."

It's a patriarchal society and women when they marry become the man's property

Stop exaggerating. What good do you think it does?

A woman just tells her bank and job etc if her name change with no need for deed poll
However, if a man changes his surname it has to be by deed poll

It isn't strictly true that a deed poll is required for either but if a woman were changing her name for a reason other than marriage she may find it more convenient, as would a man, to use a deed poll. Deed polls are not required in Scotland.

I also read that a couple,married or not, can give any surname they choose to the children
Apparently it doesn't even have to be a family name !!

Yes - that's always been the case. There is no law which requires a child to take either of its parents surnames.

If I had a dreadful surname like Smellie or Ramsbottom however,I would jump at the chance of changing to husband's, and if he had a dreadful name, he should be able to change to mine in same easy manner as I to his. That's treating both sexes equally

I would imagine a man who wanted to change his name on marriage could do so in exactly the same administrative way as a woman does by exhibiting his marriage certificate.

This conversation has happened so often on MN. It always ends up with Argy bargy.

In the end women make their choices in the context of patriarchal society and with lots of norms and expectations around this type of topic.

And then it all gets a bit personal.

A better question might be, what would be a better alternative at societal level?

Bearing in mind a lot of women like the traditional stuff eg see what happened with 'ms'

I didn't, my son has my surname, I insisted on it.

I also hate the argument that somehow this isn't a feminist issue because a woman's name is really her father's

It's beyond daft isn't it. As you say it's my name and in my case is my mother's and my maternal grandfather's surname. My mother married twice and didn't take either husband's surname and neither of her children have their father's surnames.

This type of argument is always personal and divisive.

I'm not sure what raising it hopes to achieve really. (Apart from maybe some posters getting upset and feeling that certain boards/ types of women are horrible...)

I think loads of women just do it as its the norm then make up loads of reasons to justify it because they're embarrassed.

It's funny how people on the feminism boards endlessly talk about how pronouns matter. That the slightest change in language has significant meaning to how women are viewed in the world. Yet seem to have a blind spot when it comes to upholding the patriarchy with the naming choices they make.