Why give child man' s surname

[DeedledeDee]

Just that. Woman I know not married, strong feminist, determined to keep her own name, then gives children his surname.
Why not give her own surname ? In some cultures they do ,they follow the maternal line.
Also, I know it would be less complicated if there are several children to different father's.
Men come and go, but children usually stay with the mum. Would be sensible then if they all have her family name.
What do you think?

I'm astonished at how many PPs have such awful surnames that they couldn't burden their children with them! My surname is not only boring but my parents changed it before I was born, so it's not a "family name". My DD's father has a lovely, distinguished Indian name. However, we weren't married so she has my name and, as we are no longer together 23 years later and he hasn't had contact with her for many years (his choice), I think it was the right decision.

DD came along before we married. After much discussion we agreed she should have the same surname as her (half) siblings to make them feel more of a family. I think it was the right choice. It did pain me though.
I'm still sitting on the fence about my name. For some things I use my name, for simplicity I use my husband's surname on some others. I only use my name at work.

@cheeseismydownfall

I took DHs name without thinking when we married. I'm a bit cross about that now, although I don't know what the alternative would be, they are all a bit crap - for me personally it was important for us all to have the same name, and double barrelling isn't ideal and only solves the problem for one generation. DH taking my name would have meant him losing his family link. Making up a new name is an option I guess, although it feels a bit like children cutting the last fragment of cake in half because neither can bear to let the other one have it.

I guess in some ways I'm relieved I didn't think harder at the time because if I had have done there is no way I would have quietly gone along with taking his name, but at the same time I don't know what would be better. I agree with the PPs who point out that if there is going to be a 'normal' approach then we've got it the wrong way round because in practice children are more likely to remain with their mother's in the event of a marriage breakdown.

One thing I've noticed in these threads though is how many women have terrible maiden names they can't wait to be shot of. Funny how these terrible names seem to always belong to the woman and not the man

Aha ! DH. losing his family link?!!

Carrying on the family name ?!

I've heard this many times by men who won't change.

What about carrying on women's family name?

What about women who lose their family link?

But that's not so important as they're just women, there to continue His name .,His heritage, His lineage.

It's so demeaning. And so out of date

So -. Unequal

@SwearyMaclary

It’s funny how many women say that they gave their child the father’s surname because they hate their own, but you almost never hear of the reverse happening.

My uncle was planning to do this, for just this reason, but caved in to society aka his dad. So I think when a few more people do this it will become more acceptable, like longer paternity leave.

My DDs were born before DH and I married, I knew we were getting married at some point and so decided we’d all have the same name, which happened to be his name. I feel I am getting more and more militantly feminist as I get older but, I have to confess, this isn’t something that bothered me before and it doesn’t bother me now. My name, his name? They’re all some other mans name. ‘My’ name isn’t mine, it’s my father’s. And, actually, it wasn’t even the name of the lovely man who I knew as Grandad and my DF knew as Dad, who chose him and my Nan as his ready made family when my DFs father left them when my DF was two years old. It was the name of the idiot who left them destitute. And my Mother’s ‘maiden’ name? Well, firstly she was abusive all throughout my childhood, and so was my Grandfather whose name she had. So, on balance, if I’m going to have any name, I’d rather have the name of my lovely husband than any of the abusive twats of men (and woman) that are in my family history. I suppose the only alternative would have been to make up a completely new name, but I didn’t think of that then

@malloo

I didn't change my name when we got married, but our kids have got DH's surname. I can't remember the exact reason, I think it was something a bit stupid along the lines of they were more obviously mine given I carried them and gave birth to them and I felt DH was a bit left out of the whole process? Didn't think it through that well I'm embarrassed to say! And I probably wouldn't have done the same now, but not sure what I would have done, would it really be better if they had my name? After all, it was, and still is, a joint project .

This is kind of me, I wanted my my DP to have a “bond” with his children as he didn’t have the bond of carrying the baby. I tried also to find a different way of making a surname that wasn’t double barrelling but couldn’t find anything. I wouldn’t change my name, even though I don’t like it, because it’s me, like my arm or leg!

I took my husband's name because it was the easiest option administratively. My old name was only mine because it was my dad's so there's no special significance to it, whereas taking my husband's name reflects an active choice I made in marrying him rather than just passively growing up with my dad's name. I am no less a part of my parents' family because I don't share their name.

Not only is it easier for the wife to change her name than for the husband as a PP said, admin at schools, airports and loads of other places is just easier when parents and child share a name.

Yes it's true that the woman's name cones from her father but we have to start somewhere, and also a totally new name could be used as a fresh start.

I guess it's one of the remaining issues regarding feminism. Men do feel emasculated if they were asked to lose their "identity" They are brought up never having to doubt it.
Women are brought up to always acknowledge they will change (or have the option not to nowadays).
I think there will come a time when there will be no raised eyebrows if a family including the man all live with the woman's name ,
It will I hope be as common as same sex marriages

@LadyChappers

My children have my surname. It was never something heavily debated - I grew them, I named them.

Yep, nine months inside me tipped the balance.

Boys were going to have his name, girls mine. We had two boys. If I'd known in advance I might have tried to find a different compromise.

Both have middle names that have links to my family.

I have children by diffeent dads, they have their dads surnames. Never complicated for me.

I can see the benefits of picking the ‘nicer’ surname, and the whole family using that.

Personally, there’s no way I would agree to having a different surname to my kids, so they have mine.

@BingPot99

Not only is it easier for the wife to change her name than for the husband as a PP said, admin at schools, airports and loads of other places is just easier when parents and child share a name.

I wasn’t aware of the passports thing when I chose my children’s surnames, I would probably have given them mine if I had but I’ve never had any problems with them having a different surname from me. I wouldn’t have wanted children with different surnames to each though, so thankfully that didn’t happen

My son has my surname. Not married, and even before I met my partner (many years ago) I swore my child would have my name and I would never change my name on marriage.

My name is unusual, pretty and has an interesting history.

@Lotsofpots

Boys were going to have his name, girls mine. We had two boys. If I'd known in advance I might have tried to find a different compromise.

Both have middle names that have links to my family.

You practiced what I preached.

I am married to my children's father and kept my surname. But after much debating I decided to give DH's name to them, with mine as a middle name. DH would have been happy to hyphenate but I thought it was too much and didn't work with the long first names we chose. Also it is just sort of the norm in my social circle to do this- keep name but kids have father's name. I am very aware of the patriarchal conditioning involved in my decision, but ultimately I just didn't care very much.

Same as a couple of pps. We weren't married when we had DCs, in some atavistic throw back way I wanted DP to have clear link to DC. I didn't care, I know they are mine!

My surname (& my family) are better. My now teen DC want that name too so we'll ensure they have it as middle or double barrel next passport.

I can't really think of a good solution. Maybe the Spanish way?
From a genealogy point of view, it makes things easier to trace with a "family" name, but from a biological one it would make sense to be the female name, because you can never be 100% sure a child's father is the biological one.
Millions of men have probably lived and died believing their children were theirs, when it wasn't the case at all.

Because he gets nasty about using the mums name or double barrelling it. I wasn't really able to argue my case 7 days post birth.

@supersonicginandtonic

I have children by diffeent dads, they have their dads surnames. Never complicated for me.

They would question the kids surnames in an airport as they are different to yours. Things like this make the penny drop for me..

I’m with OP. I think if your married you cannot relate for obvious reasons. But marriage is a sign of commitment as many seem to find out on here!

I gave DS his dads surname and the reason was I didn’t know any better at the time I wish someone had given me a different perspective at the time like OP is saying.

It’s often seen as traditional that kids have their dads surname which I wouldn’t mind but in reality it’s often follows a sense of entitlement from the man and a sheer lack of responsibility.

Women are often left with the children and I had an issue in the airport with DS and a police officer asked him (only 4 at the time) who is this? It was a bit embarrassing tbh.

If I could turn the clock back DS would have my surname no questions asked.

We're not married, I gave my son's their dad's surname, 20 years ago , it was kind of a gift from me. We'll probably get married soon, I will keep my name.

You can give children any surname you want. Doesn't have to be your own or your partners. I gave my children my then partner's name as I didn't want them to be associated with my family name. I'm glad I did.

My children have DH’s name and I kept my surname. I wanted my children to have DH’s name. I am clearly their parent as I gave birth to them and by having DH’s surname they are clearly linked to him too. We are equal parents and have been together for over 20 years so far and I am not “dominated”. by my DH