@tinselangel
I babysit for a close friend and this year, in January his kids started disclosing emotional abuse experienced at the hands of their mother (my friend and his ex have not been together for 11 years). He tried to protect them but the family court forced them to return to her and we've had to deal with family court stuff this year. This started to trigger suppressed memories of my upbringing. I experienced emotional childhood neglect by my parents, both of whom were abused as children physically and emotionally. I was to blame for many things that happened including y sister not doing her chores, I was blamed for fights that we had, when she was beating me, it was my problem to solve, not theirs. Beating continued until she ran away from home when I was 19. (she was 17).
Then in March 2019, Cardinal Pell was convicted of child sex abuse. During the sentencing, the defence said it was only one instance, and on the lower end of the scale. I was raped as a 4 yr old, only one time, by a teenager living next door to my parents. So, I guess one time is OK right?
Then in August, my friend with the abused kids declared his love for me, I was drunk and reacted badly and told him in public, no. He took this badly and in September, told me where to go, started a new relationship with an old sweetheart and said that it was my fault that he had to leave Uni and I put his children in danger and that their lives depended on my statement.
Also in September, we were studying oppression at Uni, domestic violence was used as an example of oppression and the gaslighting was discussed in detail. I felt like my lecturer had cut me open and was showing everyone my life. Then memories of the abuse I experienced by my ex started to surface.
Also in September, my husband crossed the only not negotiable in our relationship around drinking, so I walked out on him and took my child to a friends house where we lived for 2 weeks. In that 2 week period, I started to find my emotional self control disappear and my "friend" told me not to leave my marriage for him, or we'd never speak again and then he told me to find other friends to talk to and left for his hometown. All of this triggered abandonment fears and issues, which stem from my shitty childhood.
October started with me having flashbacks about my ex and what he did to me, the sexual assaults, being used as a masturbation tool, being groomed (also something happening to my friend's teenage daughter atm).
Husband and I managed to talk and he stopped the behaviour (drinking) that was my not negotiable. I went to Uni and told them I was falling apart and needed help, so I started intensive counseling. I started marriage counselling and then finally trauma counselling. I have lost count of the counseling sessions I've had since late October. I have had a complete mental breakdown, I have been disabled, for many weeks I have been unable to do normal things like drive, go to the shops, exist without having panic attacks. The counseling is helping me manage my thoughts.
Due to my upbringing, I had no idea what I was getting into with my ex. My parents taught me to accept being spoken to badly so I thought it was normal. I thought it was normal to be subservient. I thought it was normal to submit to angry people. I didn't tell anyone I was being abused because I was taught not to tell anyone about anything that happened in my family. I had no idea that I was in an abnormal relationship.
The only reason I came out of the fog was because I watched gran die, and realised if I didn't leave my ex, I would be dead within 5 years. I then went to a friend's wedding 2 weeks later, was alone for the first time in 9 years and realised that I could survive without my ex.
When I left him, I had to learn how to pay the bills, how to negotiate with creditors. My credit rating was black marked because of his actions. So, 2019 was my epiphany year because I finally had the breakdown I probably should have had 15 years ago and didn't because I had to survive leaving my ex and learning how to function as an adult with literally no support. Now I am doing everything the hard way.
I have to learn how not to dissociate, how to ask for help, not self harm, to let myself experience emotional pain for the first time ever. Even when I was having my baby, or when I've had pancreatitus, the physical pain is nothing in comparison to what I have had to endure over the years and now I'm no longer using food, or pain to deal with my emotions.
I'm not as bad as I was a month ago. I know it's improving but it's hell and I hope to god, I never go through this again.