Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

Walked I guess you can set out your stall with your son as being a conversation that you want to have to explain what happened. I'm sure you can frame it without being seen as a terrible person; if he does in any way react against you it probably won't last. It's much easier to be angry with Mum than Dad who did this to your family.

Quinn it's great when you discover that they remain awful selfish idiots later on down the line. My ex remains in his communication as selfish and unempathic as he was when he dropped the bomb, and it's fascinating. If he was really so liberated and happy and true to himself, he wouldn't behave in the ways he does. And would certainly make an effort to re-engage with his children. But he doesn't. And you're right, it's really validating when you find that out, as I think we all harboured the idea that these men might become happy lovely people, but they don't, the self-absorption and lack of care for others just rumbles on. Glad you're doing well; time really helps.

@QuinnMovesOn
Your confirmation that your ex continues on as he was before comes at a necessary time for me.

I am occasionally tormented by the thought that my leaving freed my ex to become the person he always wanted to be and therefore he must be flourishing at a time, while I am struggling to imagine what the next phase of my life will be and where it will be lived after his trans bomb drop blew the life I thought I had and the retirement for which I'd been working for 25 years apart.

Yet I know that his actions and his decisions have left him ever more isolated, and that the more he indulges his fantasies in private, the more self-referential his world becomes.

threadreaderapp.com/thread/1208720110078365696.html

A twitter thread about trans widows at Christmas.

@WalkedAway, I think I had the reverse... "This person turned my world upside down and I've had to completely rebuild my life, but at least one of us is happy." And now I realize that this was also a lie, just as I feel like my life is finally starting to be back on track again. It's very freeing and there's definitely a sense of justice to it.

Because I did buy at least a little into his lie that my ex would become this wonderful person after transition and if I just stayed in the marriage, eventually he would be a decent spouse to me.

But it was all a lie. Because someone who acts selfishly and without any concern for others is going to transform after transition into... someone who acts selfishly and without concern for others.

@Quinn

I think it must not be uncommon for us to hope that once our spouses are able to "be themselves" that they will be freed to be the partner we'd always hoped for.  I know I thought this--a form of what you call "buying in" to "the lie." 

Also common that we discover exactly what both of us did: once selfish and self-centered and self-absorbed, always so.  

I remember a conversation that took place between us two years before he dropped his trans bomb, but one year, I discovered later, after he'd begun secretly "exploring whether he might be trans" (as he put it).
We were discussing divorce, and whether we could fix our marriage, and my now-ex said that he'd thought I I was unable to change, but he'd decided he was wrong, and that I could change and he couldn't. Turns out he was right: I was far more willing than he to change in order to remain married, and he was unwilling to change at all (unless it was clothes...those he could change.)

@TinselAngel
Thanks for posting that link. I identified with everything she listed, and so appreciated that someone has spoken our truth and supported us publicly.

Beautiful piece, made me cry. I am thinking a lot at the moment about all the women at Christmas who feel sad, alone, left, bereaved, abandoned, rejected, discarded, exhausted, overwhelmed, pretending, putting on a smile....
But we escape. We start again. We go it alone for a while or forever.
And life is so much better having done that.
It's like a road in my mind's eye; I have friends ahead of me who no longer care, and can even laugh about what happened to them, and no longer need or want to know about their ex.
Behind me are friends in great distress, divorce, betrayal; they ruminate and rage and their health is affected.
But we will all move through and escape from these men.

My ex is a miserly, petty, proud, vain, self-absorbed delusional individual. He may spend Xmas playing the victim with his family, suddenly being super-uncle to the nieces and nephews he had little interest in before, and spending long periods grooming, preening and dressing up in finery. He will spend time with his 'allies', half-brave victim, half entirely new person playing female.

Meanwhile I spend Christmas with his estranged children, who I've raised through all the misery and trauma, and all the friends who supported me. I know who I am and I don't every day have to turn myself into a woman. And I didn't leave my family, or lie for years, or treat others with contempt. Nobody thinks I treated my children with appalling disregard. Nobody thinks I'm a terrible parent. Nobody thinks I'm delusional or a pathetic human being.
These men are toxic. We are all better off without them.

I would no more tell my DC's about their dad that I would tell them about the details of the CSA I was put through. They know I had 'an unhappy childhood' and thats all they need to know.
Being forced to manage everyone else's expectations and their relationship is one way you get used as a beard, and another type of wife work.

Here's the text of the twitter thread for people who don't have Twitter:

As ever at this time of the year our thoughts turn to the women who still feel trapped in these relationships.
Unable to get out of the insidious drip, drip, drip cycle of compromise and boundary pushing.

The women who feel pressured into accepting the unacceptable for fear of what society will think of them if they leave.

The women who stay to keep a lid on the secret which will blow their family apart. Worn down by being the secret keeper.

The women spending Christmas Day pretending everything is OK whilst with every fibre of their being wishing they were somewhere else.

The women continuing to do all the wife work, and more, while their “other half” escapes into feminine stereotypes and appropriates their oppression.

The women forced into sexual practices that they are not comfortable with, by a partner who claims to want to be submissive but is still calling all the shots. (Really this is shockingly common).

The women desperate to keep their children innocent and their lives stable and to protect them from bullying.

The women trying to make the best of Christmas for their children with hardly any money to spend, because it’s been spent by somebody else on clothes, wigs, make up, nights out.

The women who have made the decision to leave and who know that this is the last Christmas they will spend with the man who they married in good faith and who fathered their children.

The women who fear being called bitter and transphobic and being shunned by their friends and family because they find themselves unable to tolerate the intolerable.

So to people who criticise #transwidows for leaving and to others who criticise them for not leaving sooner- have a think about how you would feel in their place.

And to women who feel trapped in these relationships. There is hope. There is a life on the other side free from being a bit part player in somebody else’s fantasy
Solidarity sisters ✊🏽

And finally, spare a thought for those women in the most insidious position- those whose husbands have become well known transexual feminist “allies” lauded as stunning and brave by the very women who should be centring the wife.

Alone .....I read your harrowing account and delurked straight away.
I have nothing new to add to what these wonderful supportive women have said to you but , golly , I'm glad you made it to here xxx

Hi all you wonderful women. I am not a trans widow but I lurk and occasionally de-lurk to say anything that pops into my mind because I find you all very inspiring.

We've got a trans person in the family which means I do understand some of the issues.

Anyway, I've caught up on your stories and I just wanted to wish you power and strength and peace for Christmas.

[fthanks]
[fthanks]

[fthanks] [fthanks]

[fthanks]

oh festive thanks is not a thing!!

I'm still here.

It's very hard to say how I feel or what is going on. I feel like it changes daily. DH's therapist has raised the possibility that he is autistic. We've talked about it and tbh it does make a lot of sense and an awful lot of of his behaviours fit that profile to the point that both of us are almost wondering why we didn't see it before. I think he is going to request a formal diagnosis in new year.

Cross dressing and general 'trans-ness' does seem to be a lot more common amongst those people who are autistic (My apologies in advance if I phrase something clumsily to do with autism, it's a very new area for me and I wouldn't want to offend anyone. If I have/do please correct me). He himself though has said that a diagnosis wouldn't excuse his behaviour.

He has had a lot of other mental health issues to deal with and although it will still be a while before he stops seeing his therapist he is much, much better than he was. To my knowledge he hasn't cd since February and has been in many ways a better husband and father than he has ever been. Less selfish and self centered, more helpful around the home and more interactive with the children. It all sounds like it's going wonderfully and all can be right with the world again.....only it can't. I can't forgive him. I worry that we are just in an extended purge part of the cycle and that the perfect dh and father role is just another identity he's trying on before he returns to being 'stunning and brave'.

This Christmas will be a strange one but it's a real one. I'm trying to be positive that it's not another one that I'm kept in the dark. At least now I can plan my own future.

Thank you all for your support. I hope you all get some joy from Christmas.

Welp, my ex wanted to breastfeed our baby so I guess he wanted to assume the female duties. While we were married and I was pregnant he used the whole pregnancy belly simulation thing to cross-dress then he would clean the house like mad all in a ruse to convince me henwas trying to relate to me. Reality was he was just cross-dressing and making me nauseous.

Good to hear from you Tears. I'm glad you have some respite but yes, your realism is probably wise. Sounds like you're biding your time. I hope you can get some good bits out of Christmas and 'right now'. It's hard not to think too far ahead.
Welcome racy. Sounds like you're out the other side with a CD ex. Hope life has got better for you since those disturbing times

There's a pregnancy belly simulation thing? 😱

Too, I wonder if a diagnosis of autism makes him even less likely to be able to change?

I have wondered that too tinsel He's in his 40's and no one (including me) has picked up on his behaviour before so I don't think he autistic as severely as some people. He is making a lot of other changes to his behaviour successfully. I'm not going to explain them as they are not relevant and possibly outing. So he is capable of change in some areas. I think the possible autism diagnosis is relevant as it may help explain why he started in the first place (love of textures & then creating new identity as not 'fitting in' as a boy). The question is whether he can now become a 'detransistioner' or whether the autism will keep him cross dressing.

As social said, I'm just enjoying the respite while it lasts.

Me ex always said he thought he was autistic. I remain sceptical, but the textures thing you mention definitely applies.

Thinking of all you lovely women on this thread this Christmas-time. I hope it's at least peaceful for you all.

As a regular on the Stately Homes thread, I would also like to offer all of you my sincere hope that tomorrow will be a peaceful day for you, and to send you my very best wishes for the year to come.

Peace is very under rated!

My ex dusted his house with a leaf blower once bc it was so nasty and the children's lawyer was dropping in for a home study. The kids were there and they said dust was flying up everywhere. He isnt a neat person. He did take up baking and cooking as a hobby. But as for raising the kids....no, he doesnt bear that responsibility.

My ex also had an odd thing with textures and may have been slightly autistic but that doesn't really explain the god complex or selfish narcissistic personality.

Wishing a happy and peaceful Christmas to you all.

I found this post from Facebook I made almost 3 yrs ago when one of my kids was admitted to a psych hospital due to issues he experienced bc of his father transitioning. I am shocked it survived facebook that long.

I need to say something, maybe some people won't like it. Then block me, unfollow. Whatever. Honestly, don't care.

The destruction of the father becoming a woman doesn't ever seem to end. It is exhausting. Just when one wave is over another comes. Dealing with children who are influenced by a parent who lacks moral authority, who makes an idol of himself, and whose feelings are first above all else is a recipe for confusion and disaster. Never mind the children lost their birthright to a father and a mother. A child does not have the means to process this nor the vocabulary to express the grief and confusion it causes. They cannot express the betrayal or pain without feeling they betray the person they still love and who they feel is still a part of them. Confusion and self-loathing and anger is what sets in. The resulting depression and anger is enough to engulf an entire family in one child's rage, but two or three? Add to that the narcissistic attempts at triangulation against the parent trying to save the anguishing children. Transparents hurt their children. I am so sick and tired of the reckless indifference in our society and the lack of common sense.

Think it through, what would school be like if your dad was trans and wanted to come up to the school to your activities. What would a simple hug be like when your dad's breasts rub against your chest? What activities would you no longer be able to enjoy with your dad? Golfing from the men's tees? None of it is the same when you can't even call your dad "dad" and they have changed their appearance.

All of the indifferent people who say "at least he is happy now" or "it happens" or any of these careless and insensitive thoughtless platitudes can shove it up their thoughtless anal orifices as far as it will go. Typically, I am nice about this, but I cannot be anymore. Just shove it. All media pushing this transgender narrative can shove it. Bruce Jenner can shove it up his old wrinkled and botoxed butt for making transgender and transition household words!!! All the people pushing the lie on kids and families can shove it up theirs. "It happens"? At least they are happy? I am the one holding a kid at night sobbing. I am the one dealing with a second child with suicidal ideation. I am the one dealing with rage when a child cannot process grief from the loss of a father who essentially murdered himself in front of his children by transitioning. How much sleep have any of these idiots who utter "at least their happy now" ever lost? How many times have you held a child sobbing because their dad would rather wear a dress than be dad?

I am so effing tired of the sympathy for the trans, they made a choice, a series of them. And while some compassion is warranted for anyone who has dysphoria, the narrative is all wrong and leaves no room for dissent and compassion for the families hurt by this...the children are forgotten and the parents and step-parents cleaning up the mess left are waging a major war against the narrative and against a machine of lgbt activists, lawyers and an indoctrinated body of psychologists, doctors, and other professionals when it comes to getting help for our children. Every step of the way it is a battle and if you don't have the cash to fight this machine then be prepared to just lay down.

One thing I have not done is lie down. I will not lie down. I will continue the fight for my children. Please pray for my children and my family as we wage this battle for their mental and emotional well-being and pray for their future that it will be in line with God's will.

Your pain is so acute in that post racy. I think the detail is really important in the impact on children. My badly-affected teen was referred to mental health services and talked about the clothing, seeing a glimpse of the same Angel bra she wore, the embroidered detail on the jeans that denoted them as 'ladies', the bad eyebrows, the 'creepy' and unsafe way she felt around him. Kids really notice this stuff and the trauma and pain of a parent yes, basically destroying themselves and rewriting everyone's history is entirely dismissed and ignored by TRAs. We mop.up the mess and see the pain of our children and for several years all my family's lives were paused, stunted, frozen. I hope your kid/s are doing okay. You clearly have a faith so I'd hope that helped you. I don't, but it was people in my life, friends family and coworkers who got me through. This space is protected and welcoming in exactly the dismissive and dogmatic world you describe and the women here understand your anger and pain.
To all of you, Happy Christmas, or as good as possible in the cirrcumstances